Moms and Maids

Question: Wedding just for Bride?

Hi,Since this a board of MOB and MOG I'd like to know if you ladies think weddings are just for and about the bride?I think weddings are about both the bride and the groom and each should have input into the wedding arrangements.Is it just our culture (American) that makes it all about the bride? I will be a MOG one day and I would hope that whoever he decides to marry understands that his wedding day is special and it's as much about his as it is about her. Just curious as to what mothers think.Thanks.

Re: Question: Wedding just for Bride?

  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Well, I'm a recent MOB, and I remarried 18 months ago.  I think this probably stems from when it was not as common for women to have careers, and her family paid for the wedding and reception, pretty much exclusively. She who has the checkbook gets to decide.  On top of that, I'm not sure many grooms dream about their wedding day their entire lives, but I think a fair amount of brides come to the relationship knowing what they want for a wedding and reception if it comes to that.  I know that for my daughter's wedding, we tried to take into account the Groom's likes and dislikes. However, his mom kept trying to get them to do everything her way.  The kids wanted a simple, outdoor ceremony with immediate family to come to a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant.  Soon, due to the MOG, the wedding was being held in the Baptist church, with the reception being held in the Fellowship Hall, which meant no music  (my degree is in music), no dancing, and no liquor.  And she'd offer to pay for something, then go back on her word.  Long story short, the kids ended up running to city hall, and I had a reception for them in my home last Saturday.  With liquor and music.  :-)  For my recent wedding, DH didn't really care what we did, as long as it was just the two of us on a  beach.  Everything else, he just did not care about.  I hear a lot of stories from women on these boards who ask their FIs opinions, but they just don't care, or don't express an opinion.  So it BECOMES about the bride. So, yes, it is about the couple, but due to circumstances beyond the bride's control, sometimes things get out of control.  Do you really want input into what color napkins?  Are you willing to cough up half the money (or more) to do that?  Are you going to be the MOG who wants everything HER way, or are you really, truly, going to let the couple decide what THEY want? 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Dang, that was a book!  Sorry!  But also wanted to add that maybe the couple really does want the bride to decide, so you'll have to let them decide what they want, whether it's both of them deciding, or he deferring to her decision and good taste. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I have 4 grown daughters and a teenage son.  3 of the girls are married so I've been thru the wedding thing from the bride's perspective more than once. Our last DD to get married had always dreamed of something elegant and tasteful.  Her FI was cool with it and wanted something along the same lines.  What he DID want was to walk into the reception when they were introduced to the Star Wars Imperial March.  DD was horrified.  I had a chat with her and reminded her that everything was elegant and lovely.....but exactly where was the place where HIS personality was showing thru?  She thought about that and relented pretty quickly. I think the wedding should reflect both of them, should be tasteful and beyond gracious to their guests.  I hope if my son ever marries his future wife will take his adoration of Star Wars into account!
  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think it's sad that some brides view their wedding day as a time to pretend they are a special princess instead of the real significance: they are starting a marriage with the man they love.  In our overly commercial country, wedding marketers know they need to hook the bride if they want more money spent on weddings.  This has been a much stronger trend now than I was married 30 years ago when the cost of weddings was much lower and today's "must-haves" were unheard of.Of course, the wedding is primarily about both the bride and groom, but it's also a joining of two families.  It's a wise bride that sees her wedding as more than just about her. 
  • edited December 2011
    Handfast got it absolutely right. Most grooms don't care about most of the wedding details as long as their bride is happy. Note I did not say their parents are happy. Yes, most groom's care what their parents want or think a wedding should be but only as a second place to their bride - which is the way it is supposed to be. Remember, it is about them starting a new life together. This goes for the the bride's parents too. However, Handfast got it right again. If the parents are paying, they do get right of refusal. Again, I did not say they get to decide on wedding plans, but they do get to refuse to pay for something they are not comfortable with. And if you are not contributing, then you are a guest - yes, a very important guest - but a guest of the host all the same. And just as the guest has an obligation to be respectful of the hosts, the host has an obligation to see that their guests are comfortable (which does not mean catering to all of the guests' wants). I think if all families followed the above guidelines, then all of the family drama you hear about surrounding weddings would be eliminated.
  • edited December 2011
    I don't think it should be about any one person at all, and respect should be shown from everyone to everyone. I'm the MOB and the bride and groom decided food, music, colors, etc between themselves. There were a couple things they each insisted on but then they respected each others opinions. If it was something truly insane to the other one, they'd compromise somehow. We've had issues with the bride and groom treating ME terribly, and I'm the one with the bucks. Ten days away and I'm finally putting my foot down because they finally went too far. I do agree that she who has the checkbook wins, but I see that in terms of just the $$. So I'm seeing it from the perspective of someone just taking over to the point that no one else matters...and it's actually both of them. Anyhow, if all the people involved are decent then it's fine. But if any one person tries to take over, it has to be reined in, even if it is the bride.
  • edited December 2011
    I think that both should definetly have say so in the wedding. Everything I do for the wedding I talk to my FI about it and ask for his opinion. Now he is always say, "do whatever you want babe its your wedding!" But I always correct him and say, "no its our wedding!" and it always makes him smile. He likes to be apart of the wedding. And even tho there are times where I think something would look better then he what he thinks looks good, I still ask him. And go with what I want. lol .. But in any case, I ask him and I make him a part of the wedding, and do things we can both agree on together. We arent getting married to ourselves, we are getting married to another person. That person deserves to have a say so in his special day too!
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think weddings are only about the bride at all.  Almost every wedding I've been to, there were certain things that the groom wanted and they were incorporated.  My husband wanted a band not a dj, we had it.  He wanted oberon beer, we had it. he wanted black suits with white shirts, he got it.  he wanted it in a church vs outside, he got it.  It's the flowers and color schemes that jumps at everyone, and typically that is probably planned by the bride, mainly because the guy could careless.  Look, most men could less about all the little details that go into a wedding such as place cards, linens, flowers, etc, etc, etc.  In addition, as tradition has it, in the past, the bride and her family threw the wedding for the couple hence why majority of the decisions are made by the bride. Plus, you see men every day in suits anywhere you go.  How often do you see a female in a wedding dress??  Only on her wedding day, hence why the focus is on her as far as looks are concerned.  The focus of the day still remains on the couple though and their happy union.
  • edited December 2011
    MOB here...wedding in 10 days.  YIKES!!!!! This day is about both of them, but also about the families.  My daughter and FSIL have had equal say.  When there were things important to me, I spoke up and they agreed without question.  We have had no problems.  FMIL has stayed in the background, although she has been heard to say that she thinks the wedding is to big a "do" and that it should be smaller and simpler.  I don't take the comments the wrong way.  FSIL was married right out of college and divorced 5 years ago, and her daughter's marriage is falling apart as we speak, so her opinion of weddings at this time is a tad jaded :) The only law I laid down to my own daughter is that the FIRST time I heard her say "but this is MY day" was the day that the checkbook was withdrawn.  No bridezillas would be tolerated.  She has been reasonable and moderate.  We are dividing costs.  FSIL paid for venues, daughter paid for photos, flowers and we paid for all the catering/food/liquor and her dress and assorted attire.  I also ended up paying for the bridesmaids alterations cause I was having a good day!  FIL's are only paying for the rehearsal dinner...so that is their gig and I am going to joyfully attend and love it all.We should all be able to get along and come to a consensus.  What I hate is the "if it is not my way then I won't come" that you get from some parents.  At that point, my response would be...we'll miss you! 
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    The wedding should be for both the bride and groom. Usually the groom just doesn't care as much about the details, in my opinion. I think a lot of modern brides are very independent though and many feel they can make the decisions on their own. It's hard to take in a lot of people's decisions. I am planning my wedding on my own and really enjoy it. Neither of our parents are contributing towards the actually wedding although his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and mine are paying for the honeymoon. We let them have free reign over both.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm a little late answering this. I am a MOB and have actually done most of the work for my daughter since she was finishing law school an d studying for the bar. I do think it is about the couple, but most grooms really don't care about all of the details. I called and booked our chuch. DD and FSIL did go with DH and I to look at venues. DD chose then I booked and deposited. DH is a serious amatuer photographer so DD trusted her dad to pick that.. he researched and chose. I have narrowed down florists to a handful and DD and I will go visit them. DH researched bands then DD, FSIL and us went listened to them play. DH then booked and deposited and so on. My mom bought the bride's dress with DD and I. We had a great few days of looking. DD chose colors and dresses for BM on her own. FSIL is a classical musician and most of his friends own tuxedos. They are wearing those. FSIL is planning all of the ceremony music with DD giving a couple of requests. That is his major contribution. FSIL is from Costa Rica, so his parents will be coming for the wedding, but not contributing financially or to the planning. We love them though, so it isn't a problem We will even be planning the rehearsal party/dinner. Actually, DD and I are buying a dress for the MOG here and sending it to her when FSIL visits in December. It would be much more expensive for her to buy there. Anyway, this wedding will have touches of each of us including some Salsa! It is a blending of families.
  • becks17becks17 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ok, so TECHNICALLY I'm not supposed to reply to these because I'm a bride, not a MOB or MOG. I'm getting married January 2010. My honest opinion about this whole issue is this day is about two lives coming together as one. Inasmuch as it's usually the bride who has been dreaming about this day for years and years, this is a chance for the groom and his family to share in the fun and romance and special day and memories. I think what has made this day all about the bride is when the groom really doesn't have much of an input! My fiance is very relaxed and wants whatever will make me happy. I love this but at the same time, I do want his input. So I ask his parents' opinion on things and my man's opinion and I make sure that I let them know I appreciate their input. And I make a huge effort to incorporate everything they suggest. My future in-laws have one other son who got married a few years ago but his wife left his parents out of pretty much everything. When I asked my future MIL if she wanted to come with when I went dress shopping, she was so excited! She has no daughters and I love that they view me as a daughter already! Really, I'd love to have everything my way on our wedding day, but I'd love more to know that everyone enjoyed the whole process of planning and everything. It's not just my day as a bride, it's the first day that I become lawfully part of his family and I hope that is just as special to them as it is to me!
  • edited December 2011

    Future bride answering-
    I am not one of those brides who think the wedding day is all about me.  I never understood those who do.  To me it is a celebration of the union of the bride and groom. I think of it as party time! (For the couple, their family, & their guests.)

  • LarissaAnnLarissaAnn member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm a (fairly) recent bride, but I'm opinionated, so I'm piping up anyway.  My mother tried to make my wedding about me (and her) and exclude my H from things like initial venue visits.  My H wanted to be involved, and I wanted him involved, as it should be.  So we refused my parents' money and did it ourselves, and it was what WE wanted.  We had equal say in everything.  The only things he had no say in because he couldn't care less were BM dresses and flowers.  He and I together chose the venue, invitations, DJ, song playlist, officiant, ceremony text, etc.
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