Moms and Maids

Advice for the almost daughter in law

Dear Mothers, Please send me your advice! My soon-to-be mother-in-law does not talk to me! The day after our engagement, my future husband went to tell his parents, and they said we could not be engaged until after his younger brother. His brother got engaged that night- we all celebrated with champagne and hugs. Two weeks later, we announced our engagement and nothing. His mother went from calling and emailing me every week to only going though her son to talk to me about anything. We have been engaged for over 3 months and have less than 3 months until the wedding, and no one from his immediate family has acknowledged the engagement or mentioned the wedding to me. I am expected to bake for his brother's wedding (3 months after ours), but have no desire since his family has not welcomed me. She told my fiance to have me in town early enough to bake; I was sitting nest to him when she said this. I want to be a part of his family, not just the woman in the kitchen married to her son. How do I approach the situation since my fiance does not want to upset his mother? Thank you!

Re: Advice for the almost daughter in law

  • mob2006mob2006 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What does your FI say about this?  Is he upset that his mother ignores you or doesn't he care?  Since your FMIL is not speaking to you, I think your FI needs to talk to her and ask why.  Then, he needs to tell her this is unacceptable behavior and that she needs to treat his future wife with more respect.  He also needs to tell his mother that since (apparently) no one asked you directly to bake for his brother's wedding, you won't be doing it.  He needs to stress that he is not speaking for or to you on her behalf and she needs to talk to you directly.If your FI doesn't want to speak to his mother, then he obviously prefers that you be upset rather than his mother.  I would hate to be married to a man whose priority is always his mother over his wife.  Think about it!
  • edited December 2011
    There are things here that are not clear.  Why did you have to wait til AFTER his younger brother to announce?  There was something going on before you even got engaged.  I'm also concerned that your fiance appears to be accepting of this behavior.  One thing is for sure...there is NO way I would bake for a wedding when no one is speaking to me.  Nor would I attend. You are going to be related to these people for the rest of your life.  That is a really long time to be treated like you do not exist.  Please consider carefully what you are setting yourself up for.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    ditto muffin'smom:  there has to be some more backstory here that you're not telling us.  And ditto MOB:  this is not your fight.  It's your FI's fight.  He needs to stand up to his mama and tell her that her behavior is demeaning and insulting and she needs to stop it now.  If he's not standing up for you, then you don't have a FMIL problem, your have a FI problem.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    We need the rest of your story (backstory) before we can really help you here. Because right now, it looks like your FI had a choice to make, and he didn't choose you... and now you have a choice to make.
  • sushimonasushimona member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Dear tnrb, I am a newlywed and I agree with all the comments posted 1. Your FI needs to support you. How can he allow his mother to treat you with such disrespect and in your presence? It's unnacceptably rude. I had problems with my future MIL, but my husband (an only child!) made it very clear to her that I was the women he had chosen to be with, and she needed to accept and respect that. And she changed her attitude (at least in front of me) very quickly. To be honest I feel bad for you, it looks like your FI is a little bit of a mommie's boy. You need to make him understand how unhappy you are with this bullying behaviour towards you and how would he feel if this was the other way around? 2. What do you have to do with the engagement of his younger brother? Does your FI's mother think that only she has a family? What about you? 3. If you actually go ahead and bake those cakes, that entire family will treat you like a personal maid for the rest of your marriage and nobody, not even your husband, will respect you. Be strong, don't give into bullying, psychological gameplaying or cowardness. Good Luck!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm not a mother but I really think your FI needs to handle this and back you up.
  • KooKoo4QuincyKooKoo4Quincy member
    edited December 2011

    I can relate somewhat to what your post. I had a FMIL problem that in my "O" is dealt with.
    My FMIL didn't care fro me when we met because my FI didn't introduce us (he was at work when I came over). FMIL resides in New Orleans and she came to Memphis to visit FI (I guess), anyway my FI knew I was coming over but he didn't know what time his mother was arriving. Long story short, we arrived at his house at the same time. FMIL ask me who I am, I tell her who I am and that I am his girlfriend. Apparently that upset her. I wasn't aware of that at the time but after my children & I left my daughter told me that his mother came in the room where they were and introduced herself as "the mean grandma." I immediately called my FI and explained to him that I Don't Play That! his mother was out of line, and I don't give a dayum about her being a police officer! Needless to say she told him that she felt like he should've introduced us. This happened 2 1/2 years ago and when we go to N.O. (his mother house) she doesn't speak, nor acknowledge me. I told FI that from now on I will not go to N.O. with him if we have to stop by or sleep over at his mother house. My FI have talked with his mother about this issue and he explained to her that I complete him and make him happy! That he wasn't going to side with her and she basically has to deal with it.
    I think our problem is FMIL is defensive by profession and I am not going to let anyone dictate nor manipulate me, therefore our personalities CLASH!
    I apologize for the long post! but I think you should stand your ground and nevr compromise who you are and what you believe for anyone Ring or no dayum Hold out-put on a chastity belt-throw away the and believe he will get the picture!

  • KooKoo4QuincyKooKoo4Quincy member
    edited December 2011

    that should've read...Ring or no dayum Ring! You can always give your FI what his mother can't (*wink*)!!!

  • edited December 2011
    My FMIL has always been polite to me...for the most part...but there has always been a LOT of tension. In my opinion no one was ever going to be good enough for her baby. I was pretty much ok with this until my Fiance (then boyfriend) sided with her on some pretty major issues. It actually wasn't even siding with her, it just wasn't siding with me. This obviously caused a lot of problems, and we eventually had to sit down and have a few very candid conversations. Since this was early on in our relationship I still had a chance to back out, and would have if he hadn't changed his tune. He didn't see how his mother was treating me. The longer we've dated and been engaged, the better he has gotten about the leaving and cleaving part. Whenever his mom starts up again with the diva mom behavior I just go talk with her and see what is really bothering her. I don't think you should go through your fiance, as this puts him in an extremely uncomfortable position (not your fault, his moms). The best way to handle this is to go to your FMIL and tell her how hurt you are by her actions. If this doesn't work, and your Fiance agrees with you, I would stand together as one front and deal with it that way. Good luck, and keep us posted!
  • wednesday51wednesday51 member
    edited December 2011
    I don't think the main problem is that she isn't talking to you. If my FI's family acted like that toward me I wouldn't want to talk to them at all. Why do they get to say when your FI proposes to you? Why do you have to bake? If you don't want to do it then DON'T! And why isn't your FI saying a damn thing? Why would he wait to propose to you just because mommy said so?
  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry to hear you're having a difficult time with your FMIL!

    The biggest thing here is that your FI needs to talk to his mom. He needs to set a time aside with her and have a serious conversation with her- she needs to realize that her little boy is a man and is getting married. She also needs to realize that you are a person and deserve to be respected! My FMIL has always been sweet as pie to me but she was a little tense when my FI mentioned we were talking about getting engaged. She quickly got over that, though. I am not a mother, but I know that it's probably hard to go from being your son's #1 lady to taking second place to his spouse.

    If your FI talks to her and things stay the same or get worse, you need to think about how life will be when you marry into the family. Things will only get worse, especially if you two have kids. In this case, I would have another serious talk with your FI and tell him you will not stand to be disrespected and ignored your entire life. Life will not be so happy if his family continues to be like this.

    Just FYI- you said you had to wait until his little brother got married.. my FI and I got engaged in December and his parents were happy for us. They didn't freak out and scream or anything, but smiled and gave us hugs and said how happy they were. He told his older brother over the phone since he lives 2,800 miles away and his brother just said "Looks like I need to get engaged so I can beat my baby brother to the altar". I laughed and we both thought it was a joke. The following summer, his brother proposed to his girlfriend of a few months and they got married in less than a year. We had to postpone our wedding plans so his brother could "beat his baby brother to the altar".. oh, and also- his mom should win an award for the biggest freakout of the year because when she found out they were engaged she made the biggest scene in a public place I have ever seen. It kinda made me feel like crap since she just smiled and gave me a hug when she found out my FI and myself were engaged. Especially since she had known me for 2 years before we got engaged and had never met the girl her older son was engaged to.

    Not every reaction to an engagement or every family is picture perfect, hang in there. I am sure things will start looking up!
  • kaynix21kaynix21 member
    edited December 2011
    It doesn't sound like the family dictated their engagement...I think it was more they were saying, don't announce it because her FI's brother was getting engaged the same day they announced it...but I could be wrong.

    Like all the PPs said, you do need to talk to FI and he does need to talk to him mom. And if he doesn't you know this is going to be a problem and that sucks.

    When I read posts like this, there are at least several posters who say you should leave him. I am sure there are extreme cases of men being their "momma's boy."

    Guys don't want to hurt their mom's, it's how it is. FI is a bit of a momma's boy, but it's not out of control. You did say, however, no one in his immediate family, which would include his brother, has welcomed maybe it's better you talk to them and then back out.

    But you're not going to just leave him because he's timid and his family sucks.

    Just talk to him. Have him talk to her. You might need to confront her.

    And about the cakes...if you have been asked, and accepted, maybe you should still do it. Talk to your futre brother and sister in laws, see what their deal is.

    If the mom is being an ass, that's one thing, but if you promised to do a cake for the nicer part of the family, don't ruin their day because of their mom.
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  • tnrbtnrb member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your thoughts!  As an update, his mother his -kind of- started to talk to me again.  She has offered to throw me a shower.  Things may be looking up.  

    I have not been asked nor accepted the request to make desserts for my FI's brother's rehearsal dinner.  I told my FI that I will no longer fill requests that go through him.  He has not spoken to his mother about her attitude or actions.  He likes to keep the peace, but also supports my decision to keep some distance.  

    Still, no one in his immediate family has welcomed me to the family or congratulated me on the engagement.  I know that we are months out now... and less than 2 months from the wedding, but it still hurts.  I want to be a part of his family, but then again, I don't feel like they want me.  I will never leave him, no matter what his mother does, but I will not always be nice.  I just pray things change before I am not nice anymore.  

    Again, thank you for your thoughts.  I hope things change.  
  • edited December 2011
    It sounds to me like you decided to announce your engagement on a day when his brother had already made it known HE was getting engaged. This likely caused tension and hard feelings and made you look like a bridezilla (true or not) trying to beat them to the punch or steal their thunder or at least share it. Which probably made things awkward for everyone.

    Obviously there was more to the story than you posted here, otherwise it makes no sense.

    Best of luck with your wedding. I hope it all works out.
  • edited December 2011

    I dont understand why it hurts. Your FI wants to keep "peace"-i.e he doesnt want to confront mom and dad. Somethings not clear here but it isnt new news, its not like they went from loving you to ignoring you. Maybe they are being unreasonable but its obviously not a surprise, so just continue your planning do your thing and if they show up great if not, then thats fine too.

  • edited December 2011
    Bottom line: no one's perfect and not everyone is going to like you. you can't let that ruin your big day. i know you're concerned about what to do about the desserts for your future brother in law's wedding- but hey- you have a pretty big day coming up too. my FI's family and i get along just fine, but there are always situations that will cause tension, and they aren't fun. it sounds like your future in-laws can be real jerks, but just because you're becoming a part of their family doesn't mean you have to become just like them too. if they don't acknowlege you or your special day, you can't make them. neither can your FI. but don't bend over backwards to make theirs any more significant than your own. yeah it might sound a little selfish, but you deserve your own time in the spotlight. who knows- maybe your FMIL didn't want you to announce your engagement because she didn't want to ruin her other son's surprise, or if she was just being evil. it doesn't change the fact that the man you love gave you a ring a you accepted. i will agree with a few posters though: he needs to stick up for you. it's not about "keeping the peace." it's about respect. he doesn't have to be hateful or mean about it- he just needs to say "uh, hey guys i don't know what your problem is but we're getting married and if you'd like to be invited to the wedding than i suggest you grow up. i love you, but this is the girl i want to spend the rest of my life with, and you're kinda treating her like sh*t, so if you could not do that, it'd be great..." paraphrasing of course ;) but you have to stand your ground now or everyone, not just your in-laws, won't see anything wrong with walking all over you. you don't have to stoop to their level- just be above it all and don't be afraid to remember that you're special too... hang in there...
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Just keep in mind that if he's not standing up for you now, that will not change after you get married.  If you're not okay with the status quo, that needs to be addressed now.  Good luck.
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  • Lolo85Lolo85 member
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everyones post...
    1. Maybe there is some tension b/c you and your FI decided to announce your engagement or get engaged on the same night his younger brother was announcing his. What I am wondering is that you guys just get engaged THAT day or were you engaged prior and deciding to announce your engagement THAT day. Either way, If i was looking on it would look to me like ya'll were trying to upstage younger bro.

    2. It's your fiance's responsibility to approach his mom about her attitude, in reality she is actually disrespecting you.

    3. She wants you to bake? I would bake when she treats me like the grown woman that I am and approaches as she would any other person and asks me or communicates with me on the subject. Unless you are used to having a mediator or your affairs she needs to cut that mess out.

    Have your FI talk to his mom, he should have already stepped up and done this especially if you have told him it is bothering you.
  • edited December 2011
    Sheri Ruth - her FI went to his parents and was then told that they had to wait for his younger brother; so I don't think she knew about the engagement.  Either way, unless FI and his brother are tight, he honestly could not have known his brother was going to pop the question. Regardless, both brothers got engaged and both of the ladies should be treated with respect.

    Definitely more here than meets the eye, but I feel that FMIL is playing favorites and maybe her younger son and his future wife succumb to the mother more than you do and hence, perhaps a bit of nastiness on your FMIL's part.

    Bottom line, keeping the peace is one thing but you will be his wife and if he can't step up to the plate to back you up, I'd seriously consider (with everything else) if this person and this family is one you want to marry into.  I also wouldn't allow myself to be bullied or for folks to make "suggestions" on what I will or will not do for someone else's wedding.  If someone wants something, he/she needs to ask and you don't and shouldn't feel compelled to accept.

    Perhaps you are a bit on the timid side, but frankly I'd have a little sit down with FMIL and ask what the deal is and get things out in the open.  I've had to make plenty of compromises for FI's family and in return, have made many demands of my own when appropriate to keep the balance.  While there has been no blow up, there is at least an understanding that we are all adults and respect is to be afforded all around. 

    Remember, you will be related but that doesn't mean you all need to be best friends.  GL.
  • edited December 2011

    If you send your FI to talk to the FMIL you're not acting any better than she is.  You're both grown women - if she isn't talking to you and you have a problem with it then YOU need to go speak with her to find out what's going on, not your FI.  I understand that what she's doing is hurtful, but putting your FI in the middle of this isn't the solution.

  • brilibby4brilibby4 member
    edited December 2011
    Yes, your FI should stand up for you.  However, have you tried to talk to her yourself?  It is possible that she has no idea how hurt you are by her lack of acknowledgement.  I would try having a talk with her.  Maybe sit down first and write out exactly what you say to make sure that you don't come across as attacking her.  Also, why did you not say something when she gave your FI instructions about your "baking duties" and you were sitting right there?  You should have spoken up right then.  Either way you should definitely say something so she will at least know how you feel after!
  • edited December 2011
    This sounds very similar to how my soon-to-be in-laws acted when they found out.  We went to his parents to show off the ring and tell them, and they were very stand-offish, His mother just walked around with her nose in the air, making barely snide remarks.  FI later told me when he told them he was going to ask me (finally after five years) they disapproved and are not supportive at all.  And FMIL wants almost nothing to do with the wedding, like she is trying to pretend it's not happening.  Luckily, my family was VERY excited for us, and has made all the difference.  I prefer not to think of it as marrying into his family, but rather he is being engulfed by my family (they are like that...)  Now, with only three months to go, FMIL acts just like she did before this all happened, as though I stole him and she is barely tolerating me.  Sometimes you just have to choose to live with it.  Or ignore it!
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