Moms and Maids

How can I fix this????

Okay, all you mothers out there...My FI and I have been together for 5 years, and a few months ago we told his parents that we're getting married. They said, "okay, good" but that's about it. His mother and I have always had our ups and downs, but lately things have gotten terrible.She didn't like our location. My FI tried to calm her worries about it but also firmly told her that we deserve the wedding we want. (note - she's not paying for it)She didn't talk to him for weeks. When she finally did answer the phone she said I control everything that he does, I write speeches for him before he gets on the phone with her, I ruin his life, etc. She said if he was going to keep behaving this way she wouldn't come to the wedding - in fact, she said he'd have to choose me or her. FI says it's not that big a deal because she won't follow through on these things. To me, it's a big deal because all of these things really hurt him. Of course he wants her to be there, and be happy for us. He thinks maybe it's because she doesn't know me "as a person". Is there anything I can do here?

Re: How can I fix this????

  • edited December 2011
    Sometimes the official engagement announcement brings on panic...I'm losing my baby!!!!  I'd stay calm, let your fiance handle his family, and give her time to calm down.  You should not try to engage her on a discussion of this right this moment.  Give her time to settle...may just be mom panic.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • Kristin789Kristin789
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    >>She didn't talk to him for weeks. When she finally did answer the phone she said... But how did YOU find out what she said to him on the phone? If your FI isn't handling his family business - and instead he's telling you every single word that she said to him, then that's a problem. Your FI needs to handle his business and move on. There is absolutely no need to upset his wife-to-be, unless he's NOW going to talk to his mother and then tell his wife-to-be with great fanfare: "I HAVE NOW FIXED EVERYTHING WITH MY MOTHER! Aren't I terrific!" Red flag either way.
  • dianenjnjdianenjnj
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    wow...not good.  after 5 years i would think she would know you as a person by now.the only way to handle her is to keep your distance and have fi communicate with her as necessary...for example the list of her family's addresses, etc.i hope you are not planning to live near the fil's...
  • handfast4mehandfast4me
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    member
    edited December 2011
    I think that you don't fix it.  The woman needs to fix herself. And as others have pointed out, please make sure that your FI holds his alliance to you, his future wife.  If not, that could spell disaster for you two for the future.  I hope that you FMIL is just making idle threats, and gets over her issues.  She apparently will need reminding that this is not her wedding, but her sons and his future wife's.  Best wishes to you.
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • trix1223trix1223
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    ditto the wise handfast.  The problem isn't yours, it's your FMIL's.  And by extension, it's your FIs.  He needs to have a serious talk with his mom and tell her that her behavior is hurting you.And if it really does come down to a "you either choose me or her" from his mom, his answer should be "Mom, I'm sorry that you're putting me in this position.  If you make me choose, I'm choosing my future.  You can be a part of our lives, but if you won't, I'll miss you."  And then HE needs to walk away.This isn't going to get better as long as people keep humoring her.  I shudder to think of where this is going to go if you and your FI have children.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • mob2006mob2006
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Ditto handfast and trix!  They gave you good advice!
  • sushimonasushimona
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    My FI's mother became hysterical when she realized that she had very little say in our wedding (due to her appalling taste) - on the other hand even the things we asked her to help us with, were left undone or done half-heartedly!! She also threatened my FI with not coming to the wedding, and you know what he said? "Ok then that's your choice!" and hung up the phone. She called back the next morning and purred like a kitten. I guess sometimes mothers just turn into hysterical nutjobs - you ignore it if it's not your mother and nod along to threats if it is. They'll hopefully realize... Good Luck
  • NukkeNukke
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    It's very normal for FMIL to freak out about losing their babies, but this is definitely overboard.  I would let FI worry about it--never deal with FMIL personally, until she gets over this (if she ever does).

    Either way, you need FI to stand his ground and let his mother know that it's completely unacceptable for her to speak in such a negative way about his future wife. 

    best of luck. 
    Our Wedding Website
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  • welshpixie322welshpixie322
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP.  Let FI handle it or just don't bother and ignore her for a while.  It sounds passive-aggresive, I know, but that's how I have been handling my FMIL. She's totally nuts too--she completely ignored me when I asked what was happening for the rehearsal dinner (Note: we're paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my parents have managed to give me something toward the wedding and they make significantly less than FI's parents do).  She literally looked in the other direction and did not acknowledge my existence.  I found out a couple weeks later from FSIL that FI's parents plan on paying for our alcohol bill (even though we don't have one because we got a special package deal at our venue with limited alcohol) because they want alcohol.  I've chosen to just tell them the amount for the rehearsal dinner and tell them it is going toward alcohol anyway. Innocent  Note: his dad is totally cool with anything, but his mom is the crazy one and SHE'S in charge of the finances.  I don't know why...
  • edited December 2011
    ugh...mine started out the same way...its pretty much the worst case scenario now.  they keep calling him and attack me and he keeps telling them they cant be in his life til they stop. hopefully yours will come around!
  • edited December 2011
    I'd ignore it as best you can and let your FI handle it.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow sounds like emotional blackmail at it's best. I'm quite sure this isn't the first time in your FI life he's had to deal with her guilt trip. I agree with Trix on this, her advice was spot on, and it keeps you out of the drama. I'm so glad I got lucky and my FMIl said it was about time I was to be her daughter-in-law. She'd been waiting for awhile!
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  • KikiTopazKikiTopaz
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011

    My MIL is a witch. My husband is the first born. She's hated me from day one, said I ruined his life. We've been happily married (to spite her) for over thirty years. She's pleasant now, but once in a while I still hear an edge in her voice. She knows that he chose me, over her wishes, and always will. No revenge or spite towards her. I won. Laughing

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