Help....Tough BM situation

maddox2181

I am having a DW in May. I ask three of my BF to be my BM. They all agreed. They wanted to throw my a couples shower together. Which was very nice but my MOH is now having problems getting the other two to help out with everything. One of the BM said she doesn't have the money and thought it would be ok to ask everyone to bring a dish. ( I thought that was very tacky and have never heard of such.)All three have already purchased their dresses. I don't know how to handle this. I know their is an extra expense for my wedding due to it being a DW but EVERYONE knew that going in. I have been in MANY wedding before and always was VERY aware that when you agreed to being a BM their was more to it than just showing up for the wedding in your dress. I don't want everything to be left up to my MOH. What do I do?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_helptough-bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:10521301-a58a-4480-80e6-e921f30943f0Post:f031320b-d424-4d87-bbf7-0b5b2b1622f4">Help....Tough BM situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I am having a DW in May. I ask three of my BF to be my BM. They all agreed. They wanted to throw my a couples shower together. Which was very nice but my MOH is now having problems getting the other two to help out with everything. One of the BM said she doesn't have the money and thought it would be ok to ask everyone to bring a dish. ( I thought that was very tacky and have never heard of such.)All three have already purchased their dresses. I don't know how to handle this. I know their is an extra expense for my wedding due to it being a DW but EVERYONE knew that going in. I have been in MANY wedding before and always was VERY aware that<strong> when you agreed to being a BM their was more to it than just showing up for the wedding in your dress</strong>. I don't want everything to be left up to my MOH. What do I do?
Posted by maddox2181[/QUOTE]

You're wrong. That's exactly the extent of a bridesmaid's responsibilities. Anything else is voluntary. If the BM doesn't have the extra cash to spend, she doesn't have the extra cash to spend.

I'll agree on the potluck shower -- that's tacky.

McKenna2012

They truly don't have to do anything other than show up in a dress. Maybe the shower sounded like a good idea in the beginning and now she can't afford it. If so, the shower may have to be dropped.

jagore08

You shouldn't be involved in any of this.  Your other two BM shouldn't be discussing anything with you except for the date of the event because this is a gift to you.  They're adults (I'm assuming), and should be able to work this out on their own.

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, I didn't get a shower at all, it's not required.  If your MOH really wants you to have a shower and the other two aren't willing or able to help out, then MOH needs to figure out how to make it happen.  The other bridesmaids are absolutely under no obligation to spend their money to throw you parties.  And if the shower doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.  Such is life.

banana468

All that IS required of being a BM is to buy the dress.

And traditionally bridesmaids opted to throw showers as a GIFT.  However that was and still is a voluntary thing.

Traditionally brides didn't have destination weddings either so they weren't asking their maids to buy dresses AND to pay for travel and hotel arrangements. 

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_helptough-bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10521301-a58a-4480-80e6-e921f30943f0Post:ce755006-735c-423b-b720-571c52047fc9">Re: Help....Tough BM situation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help....Tough BM situation : You're wrong. That's exactly the extent of a bridesmaid's responsibilities. Anything else is voluntary. If the BM doesn't have the extra cash to spend, she doesn't have the extra cash to spend. I'll agree on the potluck shower -- that's tacky.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

^This^

If MOH is still willing to host a shower, she should scale back to a smaller shower that she can afford. It can be something as simple as cake and punch. You are right that it is not appropriate to ask the guests to bring a dish to the party. But since the bms suggested it, they would probably be willing to help the MOH by bringing a dish themselves.

And as an MOB, I would call the hostess and ask if I could contribute, as well. I'm not suggesting that your mom is obligated to do so, but it is very common in my circle for the moms to chip in.

jcamm11

Actually, showing up to the wedding in the dress you pick out is a bridemaid's only responsibility.  It's not mandatory for them or anyone else to throw you a shower.  Some brides never have a bridal shower because nobody can afford to give them one.  If they are able to do this for you, it is a gift, not a requirement.

You aren't entitled to a shower, and you need to butt-out of the planning.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_helptough-bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10521301-a58a-4480-80e6-e921f30943f0Post:fe6d2a90-85fa-41aa-9de7-19469bc0ed3f">Re: Help....Tough BM situation</a>:
[QUOTE]What everyone says is true, and<strong> the MOH is out of line. She has no right to plan a party and demand that other people give her their money to pay for it.</strong> About the shower: I'm assuming that everyone invited is also a wedding guest? It's also a faux pas to invite anyone who is not invited to the wedding to ANY prewedding function.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I 2nd this

heinz11msw

Bridesmaids aren't actually maids. My BM didn't do anything and I didn't do anything for them. We each handle our own wedding stuff. All they have to do is come to the wedding.

FutureMrsPaulson

OP: I agree with you on the part where when a friend accepts to be a BM they should understand the costs/expenses of dress, shoes, etc....
I also agree that you can't really expect a bridal shower or whatever, but I'm sure that's not what you were trying to get at with your concerns.

My advice is if it was your MOH's idea to throw the party, let her hash out the dirty work with the other BMs...I completely understand your concerns about not wanting your MOH to foot the entire bill, but I think she can probably find a mutual compromise with the other girls that'll make everything work out perfectly!

Good luck! Don't stress about it!

sweetcanadian1979

I know on the boards here most areas the bms just show up, where i am from that is NOT even close to the case, they have a lot of responsibilities and it is expected and accepted.

 I am anal and am doing everything myself, with opinions from others and am getting crap where ever i turn from my bms, friends, family etc. I am getting it most about the bachelor/ette party that i am fully planning with my fiance so that it is how we want it and no one else so i had no choice but to let my bm do the shower, they were insulted i am planning my party.

I don't know what it is like where you live and if it is like where i am from maybe others can help pitch in for her. Your MOH should have asked your bridesmaids what they can afford BEFORE planning a shower and expecting it. Where i am from, having a "potluck" is perfectly acceptable in today's economy as well.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_helptough-bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10521301-a58a-4480-80e6-e921f30943f0Post:69fece4a-fec1-45e7-9121-42b6a29720f4">Re: Help....Tough BM situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I know on the boards here most areas the bms just show up, where i am from that is NOT even close to the case, they have a lot of responsibilities and it is expected and accepted.  I am anal and am doing everything myself, with opinions from others and am getting crap where ever i turn from my bms, friends, family etc. I am getting it most about the bachelor/ette party that i am fully planning with my fiance so that it is how we want it and no one else so i had no choice but to let my bm do the shower,<strong> they were insulted i am planning my party</strong>. I don't know what it is like where you live and if it is like where i am from maybe others can help pitch in for her. Your MOH should have asked your bridesmaids what they can afford BEFORE planning a shower and expecting it. Where i am from, having a "potluck" is perfectly achceptable in today's economy as well.
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]
You're not supposed to plan your own bachelorette or shower.  Your friends are probably mad at you because you didn't trust them to be able to plan the parties themselves.

sweetcanadian1979

for me it's not a matter of trust, i like to do the work, i get imput from the all before i do anything, i am not planning the shower, just a combined bachelor/ette party. Normally the wedding party plans these and pay for them but we are planning it ourselves and the wedding party won't have to pay for it either, they do have some say, my one girl keeps picking up things every time we go shopping (sashes, buttons etc) but i planned where we go, based on our likes. We do not go out, we haven't gone out in 3 years and I do not want to be miserable in places i hate.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_helptough-bm-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10521301-a58a-4480-80e6-e921f30943f0Post:63af2936-9b2e-4b2a-a1e7-de1dd187ca1c">Re: Help....Tough BM situation</a>:
[QUOTE]for me it's not a matter of trust, i like to do the work, i get imput from the all before i do anything, i am not planning the shower, just a combined bachelor/ette party. Normally the wedding party plans these and pay for them but we are planning it ourselves and the wedding party won't have to pay for it either, they do have some say, my one girl keeps picking up things every time we go shopping (sashes, buttons etc) but i planned where we go, based on our likes. We do not go out, we haven't gone out in 3 years and I do not want to be miserable in places i hate.
Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]
But they're going to see it as you not trusting them, it doesn't matter what you intend.  If no one plans you a bachelorette party, you just don't get one.  It's not required, but you're not supposed to plan it yourself.