FM(I)L and adult only wedding

MrsCoopDawg3467

So......we are having an adult only (no children under 12) ceremony/reception because I do NOT want crying babies at the ceremony plus we are having alcohol at the reception.  HOWEVER, my future brother-n-law is about to have a baby.  

This past weekend, my FMIL informed my fiance there WILL BE babies at wedding because SHE will have a grandbaby.   (FMIL is peeved because we are allowing a flower girl to be there)

I'm getting ready to send out save-the-dates and I just made my wedding website.  Is it inappropriate to put on the STDs or website something to the fact of    "We are having an adult only wedding, please make prior arrangements for your children, thank you and sorry for the inconvenience"

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:cd105e58-4122-4019-9bd7-09ab9246c209">FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So......we are having an adult only (no children under 12) ceremony/reception because I do NOT want crying babies at the ceremony plus we are having alcohol at the reception.  HOWEVER, my future brother-n-law is about to have a baby.   This past weekend, my FMIL informed my fiance there WILL BE babies at wedding because SHE will have a grandbaby.   (FMIL is peeved because we are allowing a flower girl to be there) I'm getting ready to send out save-the-dates and I just made my wedding website.  Is it inappropriate to put on the STDs or website something to the fact of    <strong>"We are having an adult only wedding, please make prior arrangements for your children, thank you and sorry for the inconvenience"</strong>
Posted by MrsCoopDawg3467[/QUOTE]
You should not put anything like this on your STD or wedding invite.  Address the invitation to those who are invited.  If they don't get the hint then spread the word by word of mouth.<div>
</div><div>Also, "adults only" is usually 18 (sometimes 16) and up.  12 year olds are still kids.  And saying that you're serving alcohol as an excuse for your "adults only" doesn't really hold up as the legal drinking age is 21, not 12.</div>

MrsCoopDawg3467

Good point!  And if that is the case, then 18 and up will be the solution.

Don't put on the wedding website either?  Just spread word of mouth?

KatyRoseM

You shouldn't put it on the std's or website, talk to her in person.  Most people here will tell you that nursing children are an exception to the no child rule, which is unfortunate for you, but seems to be the rule. 

AutumnFair

Sorry, but there is an exception to the adults only rule and that is infants, if this child is only under a year then yes, it needs to be invited. I'm sure is your FBIL's wife will take the child out if it becomes fussy during the ceremony.

And ditto to jagore, you do NOT put what you wrote on the save the dates, it is mega rude. You list the people's names, if they add people when invites go out then call them and explain the situation.

mgietler76

Nursing infants are the exception to the "Adults Only" rule. In general, babies this young will sleep right through the ceremony, and I am sure if the baby becomes fussy your FSIL will take him/her out the ceremony room.

I have also heard from a few brides that they were so wrapped up in the ceremony that they didn't even notice a baby crying.

orangecrush32

Address the invites to those that are invited. Don't put the bolded statement anywhere your guests can see it. It is extremely rude. And nursing/newborn babies are the exception to the adults only rule, so you aren't going to get out of your future neice/nephew coming to the wedding. (Unless your wedding is a few years from now and they're not new anymore..but if that were the case you wouldn't be sending save the dates.)

trix1223

You can ban the tiny infant from your ceremony, but you'll need to be prepared for the backlash you may get for it.  I say "may" aothough it's pretty clear that you've already p!ssed off your FMIL with your stance.

Some family members (like the baby's parents) may choose to decline the invitation.  You may well also get "feedback" up to your wedding day, on your wedding day, and at every Thanksgiving dinner and 4th of July barbecue for the next several years.

You may be cast, whether it's fair or not, as "that" bride who wouldn't let a nursing infant at her wedding.

Where does your FI fall in this decision.  Your post was filled with "I don't want" statements.  It's his family~what are his thoughts?

Don't use the silly excuse that alcohol is being served.  I assume your nieces and nephews and the other children who are not being invited are at family gatherings where wine, beer or other drinks are imbibed. 

Finally, why does everyone assume that babies will automatically scream and cry during weddings?  It's not a given after all.

bablingbrooke

Just address the invites to the people invited--that's how you let people know.  One or two might not get the hint, but short of having armed guards at the reception (ceremony is open to the public) you can't really do much about it.

Everyone generally agrees that nursing infants are an exception to the no kids rule, and it would be wrong of you to force them to keep the baby at home.  We apparently had a baby cry during our ceremony; I hardly noticed it, and the parents took the kid out immediately.  To get this bent out of shape at the very idea of a crying infant is, IMHO, an overreaction.  People may also have coughing fits--will you also ban them?  What if a cell phone rings?  Just trust that you will have a wonderful wedding no matter what happens (you will) and stop trying to prevent every tiny "disaster" that may befall you--you won't be successful, and you also won't have fun.

Also--many kids attend weddings with alcohol.  This is not 1925, there is no prohibition, and unless you're expecting a rip-roaring, pants-on-the-ground, orgy-on-the-dance-floor affair as the result of your open bar, that's a really stupid reason to exclude kids.  Exclude them if you want, but let the breastfeeding infant come, especially since it's your FBIL's kid.

banana468

I'm going to echo Trix and others.

1) You're not having an adults only wedding if you have a FG there.

2) It's not appropriate to indicate that it's adults only on the STD or the invitation.

3) Infants are generally the exception to the adults only rule.  Now you can go ahead and keep the rule that infants are allowed but as Trix said:
  A-Is your FI on the same page as you here??
  B-Are you prepared that FBIL and FSIL may decline as a result?
  C-Are you prepared that this can lead to family issues in the future?  It's one thing if you're not allowing the infant of a coworker.  This is your FI's niece or nephew here.


Oh, and please never use the 'there will be alcohol there' as a reason.  There was booze at every family event I attended from birth.  I was taught what was appropriate for adults vs kids.

aerinpegadrak

We were married in Vegas, and the only children that were invited were the two infants in the family.  It was never really a question that they would be invited; when my sister told me she was pregnant and got on the subject of my wedding (we were under the assumption that her husband would be DJing and she wanted to warn me that he wouldn't be able to haul his equipment), I even said, "We weren't really planning on having kids there, but of course you'll be able to bring yours."  Without any hesitation.  Sorry, them's the breaks.  And my niece DID cry during the ceremony, and my stepdad took her out of the room when it became clear that she wasn't going to calm down.  I think I made a quip about her objecting because the timing was pretty funny, and we went on with things.  No big deal.

MrsCoopDawg3467

The baby will be 7 months old by the time we are married.  Maybe I'm outa line.  I just don't want a screaming baby on the front row of the church.  

And I only brought up the alcohol because my FSIL mentioned that this would be the first time she would get to drink.  And I didn't think her drinking + baby = a good choice.  I guess that is HER decision and I need to butt out.  

Xtine22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:27cb4d1a-882a-47b2-9aa3-f1c0c2568f86">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Nursing infants are the exception to the "Adults Only" rule. In general, babies this young will sleep right through the ceremony, and I am sure if the baby becomes fussy your FSIL will take him/her out the ceremony room.<strong> I have also heard from a few brides that they were so wrapped up in the ceremony that they didn't even notice a baby crying.
</strong>Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

This I could NOT tell you anything that was happening during the ceremony besides what was going on between H and I. I think bombs could have gone off and I wouldn't have notice.

banana468

It's fine to drink around an infant and by 7 mos babies are often eating some kind of food in addition to the milk they drink. I'm nit sure why that's a place for your concern though. Do you worry if she drinks near you? What difference does the baby make??

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:a4fb06de-1ea8-4cb8-9a29-acc81c089a31">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The baby will be 7 months old by the time we are married.  Maybe I'm outa line.  I just don't want a screaming baby on the front row of the church.   And I only brought up the alcohol because my FSIL mentioned that this would be the first time she would get to drink. <strong> And I didn't think her drinking + baby = a good choice.  </strong>I guess that is HER decision and I need to butt out.  
Posted by MrsCoopDawg3467[/QUOTE]
Don't be sanctimonious about alcohol.  As long as mom isn't BFing the baby, she can drink.  Drinking doesn't always equal getting drunk.  You know that.<div>
</div><div>You need to let them bring the baby.  You will look like "that" bride if you don't, and it's a title and insult that will stick with you loooong after the wedding, especially over something that you won't even notice.  I promise you that.  I only know about the crying baby at our wedding because my BIL's wife (his mom) apologized afterward.  I didn't hear it.  I was too wrapped up in getting married.  You will be too.  Please don't risk offending family over something so minor.</div>

banana468

BB, even a BFing mom can drink. She just needs to space it appropriately between feedings and she can't drink too much.

bablingbrooke

You're right, I remember BIL's wife doing it a couple times w/ caffeine when she was BFing our nephew (obvi you're the expert and not me!).  Either way OP here is way out of bounds to say she can't bring the baby because there will be alcohol on the premises.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:a4fb06de-1ea8-4cb8-9a29-acc81c089a31">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]The baby will be 7 months old by the time we are married.  Maybe I'm outa line. <strong> I just don't want a screaming baby on the front row of the church</strong>.   And I only brought up the alcohol because my FSIL mentioned that this would be the first time she would get to drink.  And I didn't think her drinking + baby = a good choice.  I guess that is HER decision and I need to butt out.  
Posted by MrsCoopDawg3467[/QUOTE]

I know it is irritating as heck when a baby is crying during the ceremony, but I can tell you that every wedding I've been to when that has happened the parent immediately takes the child outside within 30 seconds. So think about it, less than <span style="font-weight:bold;">30 seconds</span> of a baby (<span style="font-weight:bold;">POSSIBLY</span>) crying or <span style="font-weight:bold;">YEARS </span>of animosity/hurt feelings with you future ILs. Seriously, not a hard choice, suck it up and let the baby (your nephew for crying out loud) come.

Umm, yeah, you do know that people can drink and not get incoherent drunk.

aerinpegadrak

Unless she's a severe alcoholic, I'm sure she's capable of being around alcohol and not drinking.  SSIL brought her 5 week old daughter to Christmas.  There was plenty of alcohol around, Mom stuck to soda.  Give the woman a little credit.  I think you're just trying to find excuses to justify not inviting the child, and it's not really justifiable.

aerinpegadrak

Besides, I could be totally wrong about this, but aren't most children weaned around 6 months?  So perhaps FMIL is presuming that this will be the mom's first major social outing after she stops BFing.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:9f65b8bd-9c8d-47c0-85af-716d0cfff01d">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Besides, I could be totally wrong about this, but aren't most children weaned around 6 months?  So perhaps FMIL is presuming that this will be the mom's first major social outing after she stops BFing.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]


More and more moms are practicing extended BF with their children.  It's great if you can go at least 6 mos. In other countries that are just as advanced as the US, the norm is over a year to BF.  The issue is that once a baby reaches 6 mos or so, the child isn't exclusively feeding on milk.  By that point (sometimes before and sometimes a bit later) other food is introduced to the child and the baby eats fewer times per day.

Julia right now eats every 2-3 hours.  I let it go longer at night so I can sleep if she'll let me but during the day I'm pumping and feeding her every 2 hours.

However I can also have a Coke or a beer if I want.  I just need to know that the alcoholic drink needs to be spaced appropriately and portioned appropriately.  I can't drink a huge glass of wine and then feed her, nor can I drink some potent microbrew and do the same.  Then I'd need to move to formula for her feeding and wait until the alcohol is out of my system (a couple hours) before I can pump and feed her again.

And if someone said, "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be drinking around your 7 mo daughter," I'd want to step on the sanctimonious train of that bride. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:470fd9e4-9699-4c9c-976f-b12640c28d04">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding : More and more moms are practicing extended BF with their children.  It's great if you can go at least 6 mos. In other countries that are just as advanced as the US, the norm is over a year to BF.  The issue is that once a baby reaches 6 mos or so, the child isn't exclusively feeding on milk.  By that point (sometimes before and sometimes a bit later) other food is introduced to the child and the baby eats fewer times per day. Julia right now eats every 2-3 hours.  I let it go longer at night so I can sleep if she'll let me but during the day I'm pumping and feeding her every 2 hours. However I can also have a Coke or a beer if I want.  I just need to know that the alcoholic drink needs to be spaced appropriately and portioned appropriately.  I can't drink a huge glass of wine and then feed her, nor can I drink some potent microbrew and do the same.  Then I'd need to move to formula for her feeding and wait until the alcohol is out of my system (a couple hours) before I can pump and feed her again. And if someone said, "I don't think it's appropriate for you to be drinking around your 7 mo daughter," I'd want to step on the sanctimonious train of that bride. 
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
Thanks, banana!  That's good to know.  I think my sister might still be BFing her daughter who's just over a year old, because she mentioned that she would probably have enjoyed elecTRONica more if she could drink.  I'm kind of in the "gibbering terror at the thought of having children" phase, so I'm not exactly paying close attention.  ;)

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:88a96534-f0db-4cda-a9a3-296a993cff2b">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]BB, even a BFing mom can drink. She just needs to space it appropriately between feedings and she can't drink too much.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]


yeah, banana has that down pat!

julichris

we chose not to do children under 12. the venue is too small to have children running around. my niece and newphew is the flower girl and ring bearer. My fiance has a nephew that will be 6 months old. We are providing a babysitter for all 3 children in the suite above our reception venue. My FMIL has tried walking around it saying he will be too small but if we let one child we have to let others.
I was raised that children should have little to no exposure to alcohol. if i had my way there would be no children period. even my niece and nephew that are in the wedding party will be leaving the reception with in 30 minutes.
Personally its our day and people should respect our wishes. if we are not comfortable with children under 12 being exposed to alcohol why should we have to watch it during our day?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:ee8f93f7-5f87-4c05-8d4b-ee6d3f51cdd4">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]we chose not to do children under 12. the venue is too small to have children running around. my niece and newphew is the flower girl and ring bearer. My fiance has a nephew that will be 6 months old. We are providing a babysitter for all 3 children in the suite above our reception venue. My FMIL has tried walking around it saying he will be too small but if we let one child we have to let others. I was raised that children should have little to no exposure to alcohol. if i had my way there would be no children period. even my niece and nephew that are in the wedding party will be leaving the reception with in 30 minutes. Personally its our day and people should respect our wishes.<strong> if we are not comfortable with children under 12 being exposed to alcohol why should we have to watch it during our day?</strong>
Posted by julichris[/QUOTE]
You do know that kids are far more likely to binge drink if they haven't been exposed to responsible drinking vs. kids who grew up watching mom and dad having some alcohol every once in awhile, right?  That's why American kids are much more irresponsible about it than their European brethren.<div>
</div><div>To answer your question, it's not right to impose your values on others, even if it is your wedding.  The reception is about making your guests happy and comfortable, not making a statement about how you feel about alcohol or their parenting skills.</div>

julichris

A good handful of our family members are not "responsible" drinkers so the parents can expose their children in their own home.
But I think its wrong to have children when there is alcohol. Its just a principle i was raised on and I choose to stick by it. If some do not like the rule they are more than welcome to decline the invitation. I am however providing a babysitter.

banana468

Does this mean that you think children don't belong in restaurants that serve alcohol at all?? What about grocery stores that sell it? Should children go to professional sporting events or concerts? I'm curious. Oh and please stop calling it your day.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:bfc435f7-5bf3-460c-95e1-bf9238f57696">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]A good handful of our family members are not "responsible" drinkers so the parents can expose their children in their own home. But I think its wrong to have children when there is alcohol. Its just a principle i was raised on and I choose to stick by it. If some do not like the rule they are more than welcome to decline the invitation. I am however providing a babysitter.
Posted by julichris[/QUOTE]
Enjoy your life being sanctimonious and judgmental of others, imposing your values and beliefs on people who don't agree with them.  That usually works out really well for people in the long run. /sarcasm

julichris

I disagree with children being in most resturants that serve alcohol or places where it is being consumed. Its illegal to consume the alcohol at places like walmart so children are not being exposed to the consumption.
Not saying you have to follow my beliefs. I am sticking to my principals and beliefs by asking that no child under 12 be at my wedding since alcohol is being consumed.
I think since my fiance and I are hosting it should be our choice. Would you bring alcohol for parents at a childs party just to be a good host?
They are more than welcome to go home and drink all they want in front of their children.
I also ask that they do not smoke. is that bad hosting? since its a party for the guests and the bride/grooms opinions shouldnt matter.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-adult-only-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:10c8ff9a-91e7-4034-818c-4b7bd415e068Post:801eae9c-2b0c-4c34-ae5d-43fe0444f215">Re: FM(I)L and adult only wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with children being in most resturants that serve alcohol or places where it is being consumed. I<strong>ts illegal to consume the alcohol at places like walmart so children are not being exposed to the consumption. </strong>Not saying you have to follow my beliefs. I am sticking to my principals and beliefs by asking that no child under 12 be at my wedding since alcohol is being consumed. I think since my fiance and I are hosting it should be our choice. Would you bring alcohol for parents at a childs party just to be a good host? They are more than welcome to go home and drink all they want in front of their children. I also ask that they do not smoke. is that bad hosting? since its a party for the guests and the bride/grooms opinions shouldnt matter.
Posted by julichris[/QUOTE]
No, it's illegal because they don't have liquor licenses that allow the consumption of alcohol on the premises (no stores do), but good try on that.<div>
</div><div>You're being ridiculous and sanctimonious.  Don't compromise your values, but this isn't a value.  This is a judgment of others and their parenting skills, and you ought to let the parents decide what they will and will not expose their children to.</div>

banana468

You still didn't answer my question about other locations. You wouldn't take a child to a baseball game even if he or she loved it because there is alcohol there? What about the ballet or a broadway musical? And at every child's birthday party in my family, there is alcohol for the parents to drink as long as it's a family event with several adults. When DH and I have our daughter baptized, we'll certainly offer alcohol. And I love that you brought it to smoking. The act of smoking isn't healthy for those doing it or for those around it. You can't make the same statement about alcohol when others partake in moderation. And a good venue ensures that those consuming are not over served. You're right that since you're hosting its your choice who to invite. I just happen to think that your method of justification leaves a lot to be desired.