Mom...

SeptemberFall2011

is drivin me nuts!  I have been gone for school for many years and just recently came home.  When I came home I learned about the stuff my younger siblings had to deal with.  I as a bit ticked off that they didn't say anything but moving on...

Growing up, Mom and Dad were very involved and healthy.  Then in the last 2 years they started drinking.  According to my siblings, the alcohol and cigarettes would magically disappear when the parents knew I was coming home because I am the kind of person that would give them an earful and my parents didn't want me going after them.  Especially, when I don't take bullshit and have no problem saying what I think.   My sibs would do it but apparently the parents think I wield more power or something.

When I came home-the alcohol was gone and the siblings thought it was okay.  And it was, for a month.  Then I started noticing the telltale signs and have been getting after them.  At first they'd do it when I was at work or they thought I was asleep but soon their addictions came back at full-force.

We have tried interventions. Asking them to stop. And even-as low as it may be-keeping their first grandchild who is due any day now away from them.  Dad can handle his alcohol as he comes from an alcoholic family.  22 years after going through rehab he relapsed thanks to Mom but then again it IS his choice to go with her to keep her happy.

Recently, I showed her an outfit I thought she would like that would go with the wedding flow and she asked if my mom-in-law had an idea for what she wanted to wear.  I told the truth that I thought she would like this outfit and MIL had her own ideas but she'll wear whatever I want her to. Mom flipped out about how MIL is prettier and skinnier and she would look better than her.

I simply said, Well you can either quit your drinking and smoking and you won't have to worry about it or pick something else.  She literally walked away crying because "you don't understand what it's like!"  Well, duh I don't because I don't need alcohol or cigarettes to make myself feel better.

Needless to say, we have not spoken about the wedding or my unborn niece since.  Do any of you ladies have to deal or dealt with someone like this?  I know that Mom needs to admit she's got a problem but the family feels she won't unless she loses her job or kills someone with her drunk driving.

I am considering telling them if they don't get sober by the birth of my niece (who is due in late Dec-early Jan I won't want them there which sucks because family is very important to me. 

SeptemberFall2011

is drivin me nuts!  I have been gone for school for many years and just recently came home.  When I came home I learned about the stuff my younger siblings had to deal with.  I as a bit ticked off that they didn't say anything but moving on...

Growing up, Mom and Dad were very involved and healthy.  Then in the last 2 years they started drinking.  According to my siblings, the alcohol and cigarettes would magically disappear when the parents knew I was coming home because I am the kind of person that would give them an earful and my parents didn't want me going after them.  Especially, when I don't take bullshit and have no problem saying what I think.   My sibs would do it but apparently the parents think I wield more power or something.

When I came home-the alcohol was gone and the siblings thought it was okay.  And it was, for a month.  Then I started noticing the telltale signs and have been getting after them.  At first they'd do it when I was at work or they thought I was asleep but soon their addictions came back at full-force.

We have tried interventions. Asking them to stop. And even-as low as it may be-keeping their first grandchild who is due any day now away from them.  Dad can handle his alcohol as he comes from an alcoholic family.  22 years after going through rehab he relapsed thanks to Mom but then again it IS his choice to go with her to keep her happy.

Recently, I showed her an outfit I thought she would like that would go with the wedding flow and she asked if my mom-in-law had an idea for what she wanted to wear.  I told the truth that I thought she would like this outfit and MIL had her own ideas but she'll wear whatever I want her to. Mom flipped out about how MIL is prettier and skinnier and she would look better than her.

I simply said, Well you can either quit your drinking and smoking and you won't have to worry about it or pick something else.  She literally walked away crying because "you don't understand what it's like!"  Well, duh I don't because I don't need alcohol or cigarettes to make myself feel better.

Needless to say, we have not spoken about the wedding or my unborn niece since.  Do any of you ladies have to deal or dealt with someone like this?  I know that Mom needs to admit she's got a problem but the family feels she won't unless she loses her job or kills someone with her drunk driving.

I am considering telling them if they don't get sober by the birth of my niece (who is due in late Dec-early Jan I won't want them there which sucks because family is very important to me. 

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:c1b37031-dbfe-460a-a40f-768f42f1b60e">Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]is drivin me nuts!  I have been gone for school for many years and just recently came home.  When I came home I learned about the stuff my younger siblings had to deal with.  I as a bit ticked off that they didn't say anything but moving on... Growing up, Mom and Dad were very involved and healthy.  Then in the last 2 years they started drinking.  According to my siblings, the alcohol and cigarettes would magically disappear when the parents knew I was coming home because I am the kind of person that would give them an earful and my parents didn't want me going after them.  Especially, when I don't take bullshit and have no problem saying what I think.   My sibs would do it but apparently the parents think I wield more power or something. When I came home-the alcohol was gone and the siblings thought it was okay.  And it was, for a month.  Then I started noticing the telltale signs and have been getting after them.  At first they'd do it when I was at work or they thought I was asleep but soon their addictions came back at full-force. We have tried interventions. Asking them to stop. And even-as low as it may be-keeping their first grandchild who is due any day now away from them.  Dad can handle his alcohol as he comes from an alcoholic family.  22 years after going through rehab he relapsed thanks to Mom but then again it IS his choice to go with her to keep her happy. Recently, I showed her an outfit I thought she would like that would go with the wedding flow and she asked if my mom-in-law had an idea for what she wanted to wear.  I told the truth that I thought she would like this outfit and MIL had her own ideas but she'll wear whatever I want her to. Mom flipped out about how MIL is prettier and skinnier and she would look better than her. I simply said, Well you can either quit your drinking and smoking and you won't have to worry about it or pick something else.  She literally walked away crying because "you don't understand what it's like!"  Well, duh I don't because I don't need alcohol or cigarettes to make myself feel better. Needless to say, we have not spoken about the wedding or my unborn niece since.  Do any of you ladies have to deal or dealt with someone like this?  I know that Mom needs to admit she's got a problem but the family feels she won't unless she loses her job or kills someone with her drunk driving. I am considering telling them if they don't get sober by the birth of my niece (who is due in late Dec-early Jan I won't want them there which sucks because family is very important to me. 
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

Reading this I really wonder if you know what is going on in your parents' life?  What happened that they started dinking over the last two years after living healthy lives.  The last thing they need is your judgment; they may actually need your help.

vixey

You are the child, they are the parents.  Honestly, if they want to smoke, it's their choice.  If they want to drink alcohol, it's their choice.  Why do you get to move back into their home and boss them around?  It's their home.  If you don't like it, move out on your own.  It sounds like they are doing you a favor by letting you live with them, so why not be a little more grateful and a little less "holier than thou"?

Also, why do you get to control their relationship with their granddaughter.  You aren't the baby's mom, maybe let the parents of the baby decide this and stay out of it.

trix1223

I like you vixey.  Well said.....very well said.

OP:  your halo is just a little tarnished.  You might want to polish it up a little.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:672d4b56-664a-49c3-81da-1aefa5cc9a07">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]You are the child, they are the parents.  Honestly, if they want to smoke, it's their choice.  If they want to drink alcohol, it's their choice. <strong> Why do you get to move back into their home and boss them around?  It's their home.  If you don't like it, move out on your own.</strong>  It sounds like they are doing you a favor by letting you live with them, so why not be a little more grateful and a little less "holier than thou"? Also, why do you get to control their relationship with their granddaughter.  You aren't the baby's mom, maybe let the parents of the baby decide this and stay out of it.
Posted by vixey[/QUOTE]
Ditto all of this.  Especially the bolded portion.<div>
</div><div>OP, your holier-than-thou attitude will run you into lots of trouble.  Stop telling other people how to live their lives.</div>

8daysaweek

I have to agree that you're giving a very mixed impression about their "addiction." You mention drunk driving which is a very, very serious issue but then you are lumping drinking in with smoking.
Did something happen two years ago to make them open to what you are saying is a huge lifestyle change? It's unusual for people to just completely shift their beliefs and lifestyle with no trigger whatsoever.
Unfortunately, they are grown-ups and that means they get to make their own choices about smoking and drinking. They are legally allowed to do those things. Drunk driving = illegal. I would be furious with my parents if I knew they were drinking and driving but they both drink and smoke and one of them smokes pot and I have no control over that and have let it go.
Take a step back, take off your holier-than-thou crown and critically evaluate the situation. If you can't do that, ask your FI or someone else what they think. Or post more about why you think they have an addiction here. I'm sure TK girls will be happy to give you an unbiased take.
If you believe after that your mother and father have legitimate addictions, you are in for a long road but there is very little you can do to force them to get better. You can move out on your own to get away from it, attend Al-Anon meetings, and continue telling them that you love them but they need help and hoping for the best.
Also, you are an aunt. The only decisions you get to make about your niece are if you get her the "I Love My Aunt" onesie or the "If You Think I'm Cute You Should See My Aunt" bib or both.

Simply Fated

For most people, smoking doesn't make them gain weight. Quitting does.

I don't because I don't need alcohol or cigarettes to make myself feel better.
Most people also don't smoke to make themselves feel better about themselves. That was a very obnoxious comment and I'm sure in retrospect you know that, so all is forgiven.

When people quit smoking, they have to do it for themselves. People can only quit because they want to and not because someone else told them to. I have yet to hear a successful "I Quit" story that begins with "I was given an ultimatum..."

Your little rant there tells me you know absolutely nothing about nicotine addiction.
I suggest you speak with a family counselor or a trained physician to learn more about the facts before you drive your family crazy.
Have you heard of the group Al-Anon? I suggest you check it out, it might help you.

SeptemberFall2011

Nice job ladies on jumping to conclusions!! Congrats!! 

1. I drink as well. I just don't drink and drive.  I also don't lie about how much I drink and can control myself.

2. My sister has told them this and she means it.  She's already not allowing them to come see the baby after it is born if they are not sober by the birth.  At this point my brother and I are the only ones allowed to see the baby.

3. I am only here so I can contribute more to my wedding.  In April, after my new condo is done being built I will be moving out. 

4.  We know that they have to do it for themselves.  It took until I was born for my dad to quit drinking and go to rehab.  We would like to think the grandchild will wake them up but we don't have high hopes.

5. Where my mom gets the weight and looks issues is beyond me.  Shes a size 6 in jeans which is smaller than she was in high school.

6. We know what triggered it.  And even then it is dumb because it made the situation worse-not better. 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:eea33484-2017-468c-8891-bbbdf4168988">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE] 4.  We know that they have to do it for themselves. 
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]
Then why are you giving them ultimatums, using Tough Love and saying rude comments to them? For someone who wants their mother to feel good about herself, you sure aren't helping her by making her feel worse than she already might feel.

The methods you have used are very serious and shouldn't be taken lightly. I understand that you love them and want them to be happy and healthy, but do you really think being nasty to them is the right way to go about it?

I strongly suggest talking to a trained professional about this and since your sisters are involved they can go with you.
And definitely check out Al-Anon. :)

bablingbrooke

That's all very well, but you don't move into someone else's house and tell them how to live their lives.  It doesn't work that way.  If you don't like what they're doing to themselves, you don't stay there and lecture them and threaten them with no role in the wedding.  You move out and keep yourself open so they will come to you for help.  But you aren't going to force them, and you have no right to say anything as long as you live in their house.  

A holier-than-thou attitude doesn't help a damn thing here.

8daysaweek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:eea33484-2017-468c-8891-bbbdf4168988">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Nice job ladies on jumping to conclusions!! Congrats!!</strong>  1. I drink as well. I just don't drink and drive.  I also don't lie about how much I drink and can control myself. 2. My sister has told them this and she means it.  She's already not allowing them to come see the baby after it is born if they are not sober by the birth.  At this point my brother and I are the only ones allowed to see the baby. 3. I am only here so I can contribute more to my wedding.  In April, after my new condo is done being built I will be moving out.  4.  We know that they have to do it for themselves.  It took until I was born for my dad to quit drinking and go to rehab.  We would like to think the grandchild will wake them up but we don't have high hopes. 5. Where my mom gets the weight and looks issues is beyond me.  Shes a size 6 in jeans which is smaller than she was in high school. 6. We know what triggered it.  And even then it is dumb because it made the situation worse-not better. 
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

It will never cease to amaze me how people write these diatribes and then are offended that people gave advice based on the information they were given.

I don't get how you think the fact that you moved in with them to save money for the wedding changes that you moved in with them and are now judging them and insisting they should change their lifestyle. You are benefiting from their hospitality. If you don't like it, you should cut your wedding budget and move into your own apartment.

The point is so far your judging and threats and ultimatum and tough love aren't working. It's time to try a new tactic. In your original post, you came off as extremely judgmental and holier-than-thou and very cold. Maybe you should focus more on how the unselfish reasons you want your parents to change: their health, their well-being, the legal ramifications, etc.
Maybe your parents need counseling for whatever the "trigger" was. You apparently know but even then you are judging, saying drinking didn't help. Well duh. Turning to drinking when something bad happens rarely helps. People don't do it to help. They do it to escape, to cope, and for hundreds of really bad reasons. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:eea33484-2017-468c-8891-bbbdf4168988">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice job ladies on jumping to conclusions!! Congrats!!  1. I drink as well. I just don't drink and drive.  I also don't lie about how much I drink and can control myself. 2. My sister has told them this and she means it.  She's already not allowing them to come see the baby after it is born if they are not sober by the birth.  At this point my brother and I are the only ones allowed to see the baby. 3. I am only here so I can contribute more to my wedding.  In April, after my new condo is done being built I will be moving out.  4.  We know that they have to do it for themselves.  It took until I was born for my dad to quit drinking and go to rehab.  We would like to think the grandchild will wake them up but we don't have high hopes. 5. Where my mom gets the weight and looks issues is beyond me.  Shes a size 6 in jeans which is smaller than she was in high school. 6. We know what triggered it.  And even then it is dumb because it made the situation worse-not better. 
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

You sound absolutely delightful.

mkrupar

If there's one thing I've learned it's that addicts will not quit just because someone tells them to or takes away their toys. You're pretty judging of your parents. I wonder if you're like this with everyone in your life. YOU moved into THEIR house. You do not get to dictate how they live their lives. The only thing you can do at this point is move out and let them know that you're there for them if they ever need help.

 I think your sister is being very selfish by not allowing them to see their first grandchild. I can understand not letting them babysit or leave them alone with the kid. But to not even be allowed to visit their grandchild? That's a little harsh.

I'm curious to know what led them to start drinking this much. You say its a ridiculous reason, but it might not be in their eyes. If your father was a recovering alcoholic (which they are for life, my grandpa was one, I know), then it doesn't take much for them to fall back off the wagon.

ETA: Well said 8days. People drink and do drugs to escape, I know I did when my mom passed away. I was lucky enough to realize the road I was headed down and stop, but I didn't do it because it would bring her back, it was a means to forget everything that had happen.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:c7e08a58-2a6b-4b35-b0b8-0e94c0f71a98">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom... : It will never cease to amaze me how people write these diatribes and then are offended that people gave advice based on the information they were given. 
Posted by 8daysaweek[/QUOTE]
Ditto.  I'm tired of being yelled at for not being a mind-reader.

megk8oz

There's a reason that real "interventions" are lead by trained professionals: because people that clearly have no actual understanding of addiction also clearly have no actual understanding of how to help those who suffer from it.

ootmother2

I would laugh my ass off if my daughter thought I should hide the booze and cigarettes when she came home!

Your parents are adults and you sound like a bit of a brat

vixey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:eea33484-2017-468c-8891-bbbdf4168988">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice job ladies on jumping to conclusions!! Congrats!! 
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]
Nice job being defensive and ridiculous when nobody validated your feelings.  How unique.

Manwaithiel

*eyeroll*

That's right, throw a tantrum because no one's listening to your whinings about trying to boss your parents around.

"They'll wear what I want them to wear."

Do you not even detect an amount of brattiness in that attitude?

Muffin'sMom

I think everyone has covered it.  They are right.  You should at least consider the advice you've been given.

redheadtmk

while most of the PP's have some valid points, I am sorry that they were worded so harshly. Its so easy to be a self rightoues know it all telling you how to behave when they are not in the situation. a little tact, and consideration would have been more appropriate.
as the child of alcoholics I get that you want them to behave the way they used to. I imagine you are doing any/everything you think may work. The PP's  were right when they said you cant change your parents behavior. they have to want to change for themselves.  i would talk to a professional about getting them some help. the idea that you live in thier house so you have no say in thier lifestyle is crap. family is family and infinitely complicated and intertwined. you are obviously going to be affected by it and want to stop destructive behavior. you do need to find a better way to handle it but i dont  blame you for acting out to try to stop thier behaviour.   al-anon is a great resource. while i dont think guilting them with not getting to see thier granddaughter is the best way to handle the situatio, i do think distancing yourself from them until they get help is beneficial. make sure you take care of yourself. good luck

lolomilly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:eea33484-2017-468c-8891-bbbdf4168988">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice job ladies on jumping to conclusions!! Congrats!!  1. I drink as well. I just don't drink and drive.  I also don't lie about how much I drink and can control myself. 2. My sister has told them this and she means it.  She's already not allowing them to come see the baby after it is born if they are not sober by the birth.  At this point my brother and I are the only ones allowed to see the baby. 3. I am only here so I can contribute more to my wedding.  In April, after my new condo is done being built I will be moving out.  4.  We know that they have to do it for themselves.  It took until I was born for my dad to quit drinking and go to rehab.  We would like to think the grandchild will wake them up but we don't have high hopes. 5. Where my mom gets the weight and looks issues is beyond me.  Shes a size 6 in jeans which is smaller than she was in high school. 6. We know what triggered it.  And even then it is dumb because it made the situation worse-not better. 
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

I did not read through every single post thoroughly so forgive me if I repeat/jump to conclusions, but your posts both frustrate me.

I am not the child of an alcoholic, but my fiance is a recovering alcoholic, so I feel I can relate somewhat.  I'll start by saying that it took him falling asleep at the wheel while drunk, crossing over the center lane of the freeway, hitting a tree at 60 mph, and totalling his truck (thankfully, he was OK) to seek help.  I pray that this is not what has to happen for others to do the same, but your actions against your parents, I can tell your right now, will get you absolutely nowhere.  As others have said, ultimatums do NOT work.  And you shouldn't be connecting this to the wedding, anyways (in reference to your "can't come to the wedding" ultimatum) - that's just unfair.

You need to be there for your parents.  That doesn't mean you remain in their presence while they drink (if this is a true addiction in this particular situation) or support their decisions, but they need a daughter.  Have you been a daughter to them lately?  Or have you been a bridezilla/lecturer?  My fiance is in the middle of a reverse situation to yours currently - his parents and brother are very hard on him.  I have heard very little praise from them for his having stopped drinking - they just find other things that he needs to improve on, i.e. financial situations, me and him living together.  Don't get me wrong, I believe they have good intentions at the  core, but they go about things completely and I wish sometimes they would just tell him that they love him and are proud of him.  Having a solid support system is so vital for anyone struggling with an addiction/health problem, and if you are acting towards your parents in the way you come across in your posts, that vital piece of the puzzle is missing.

Help your parents.  Stop judging them.  And stop telling them what to wear to the wedding, too.  By the way, on that note, your mother's body image issues are not to be judged either.  I suffered through eating disorders through middle and high school and it didn't matter how thin I was - I was always, and sometimes still am, preoccupied with every detail.  When she says "you don't understand what it's like," you probably don't.  Stop being so hard on them.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:90d9a756-ec7f-440f-ae96-afab275294ac">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]while most of the PP's have some valid points, I am sorry that they were worded so harshly.<strong> Its so easy to be a self rightoues know it all telling you how to behave when they are not in the situation.</strong> a little tact, and consideration would have been more appropriate. as the child of alcoholics I get that you want them to behave the way they used to. I imagine you are doing any/everything you think may work. The PP's  were right when they said you cant change your parents behavior. they have to want to change for themselves.  i would talk to a professional about getting them some help. the idea that you live in thier house so you have no say in thier lifestyle is crap. family is family and infinitely complicated and intertwined. you are obviously going to be affected by it and want to stop destructive behavior. you do need to find a better way to handle it but i dont  blame you for acting out to try to stop thier behaviour.   al-anon is a great resource. while i dont think guilting them with not getting to see thier granddaughter is the best way to handle the situatio, i do think distancing yourself from them until they get help is beneficial. make sure you take care of yourself. good luck
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

Except that many of us have explained that we've been in that situation. Read a few posts above yours. Both saying they are children of alcoholics. I think they have everyright to call OP out on her childishness in dealing with her parents addictions.

kayakrunhike

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:90d9a756-ec7f-440f-ae96-afab275294ac">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]while most of the PP's have some valid points, I am sorry that they were worded so harshly. Its so easy to be a self rightoues know it all telling you how to behave when they are not in the situation. a little tact, and consideration would have been more appropriate. Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

No one here was harsh to the OP.  PP's responded to her post with the info they were given, and the OP got defensive bc she didn't like their responses.   

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:eea33484-2017-468c-8891-bbbdf4168988">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]3. I am only here so I can contribute more to my wedding.  In April, after my new condo is done being built I will be moving out.
Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, did you want a cookie for this? You're living in their house in order to save money, which implies you're living their for free or paying rent below market rates, and you're saving money for your own wedding. Nothing about that is particularly admirable, and it doesn't in any way negate the fact that you're abusing their hospitality by showing up and telling them how to act.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:51cefc6a-a850-4d3f-8050-f2f0c178cd2d">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom... : No one here was harsh to the OP.  PP's responded to her post with the info they were given, and the OP got defensive bc she didn't like their responses.   
Posted by kayakrunhike[/QUOTE]

Don't mind redheadtmk. She doesn't actually read, she just mindlessly spouts validation.

jerseydevil

OP - You have been given some very good advice.

Regardless of how you judge your parents behavior, you MUST invite them to your wedding.

If family is very important to you, then you would be able to put down your judgements and find ways to help them. I seriously wonder what happened for them to give up a healthy lifestyle and drink again. I would be more worried about getting to the bottom of that.

emilyinchile

Jersey, she doesn't have to invite them to her wedding. If she is truly at her wits' end with her parents and needs to cut them out of her life, then that's sad but fine. But then she also needs to stop issuing them ultimatums and move out of their house - you don't get to use your wedding as leverage while expecting to maintain the relationship.

calindi

September, I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's really tough, and there's no easy answer.  To be honest, there's no answer.

The best thing you can do is to start going to Al-Anon meetings.  They're meetings for family and friends of alcoholics (aka people with problems with drinking - there's no set diagnosis for someone who is an alcoholic.  They can be someone who needs a beer first thing in the morning, or someone who just can't stop when they start drinking, or someone who engages in bad behavior like driving when drunk).  These meetings are about YOU and learning how you can control your reaction to your parents.

You can't change your parents.  You can't make them stop.  Often, ultimatiums only end up really hurting the person making them.  You can only draw the line in your own life, not theirs.  Part of Al-Anon is teaching you to disengage from their problem - living your life for yourself and not letting their drinking have power over your emotions.

If you need to talk, PM me.

redheadtmk

i did actually read all the posts. and i should have been more specific that not all the PP's beforeme  were rude. only certain ones were harsh. however i didnt feel the need to call out specifically which ones i felt were inappropriate. calling out those people were not my intention, nor would it have been at all beneficial to the OP.  and if you read my post you would see that i did agree with many of the points that were made. just not how they were written.
 i read all the time on these posts how irritated the posters are when the OP doesnt feel validated by their responses and is therefore a whiner.  i am tired of people interpreting everythign so negatively, being self righteous and rude and passing it off as "good advice" like they are experts and how dare the OP not appreciate it.  its all how  you interpret things. glass half full or half empty.
as for validating her behavior, i guess you can intepret it that way. i dont agree. i am validating her emotions behind the actions. having alcoholic parents is not easy. behaving the right way is not easy even if you know you need to .  she needs someone to let her know they understand where she is coming from, not just rag at her for the way she is handling the situation.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:12594826-cd53-4fed-bc94-33d1879b8c3cPost:3a988c03-fddd-4393-8cc4-f0205413b1d5">Re: Mom...</a>:
[QUOTE]i did actually read all the posts. and i should have been more specific that not all the PP's beforeme  were rude. only certain ones were harsh. however i didnt feel the need to call out specifically which ones i felt were inappropriate. calling out those people were not my intention, nor would it have been at all beneficial to the OP.  and if you read my post you would see that i did agree with many of the points that were made. just not how they were written.  i read all the time on these posts how irritated the posters are when the OP doesnt feel validated by their responses and is therefore a whiner.  i am tired of people interpreting everythign so negatively, being self righteous and rude and passing it off as "good advice" like they are experts and how dare the OP not appreciate it.  its all how  you interpret things. glass half full or half empty. as for validating her behavior, i guess you can intepret it that way. i dont agree. i am validating her emotions behind the actions. having alcoholic parents is not easy. behaving the right way is not easy even if you know you need to .  she needs someone to let her know they understand where she is coming from, not just rag at her for the way she is handling the situation.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]
I'd be taking you a lot more seriously if you weren't typing like a 12 year old.  <div>
</div><div>It's not "in how you interpret it"--OP has moved into her parents' house free of charge so that she can pay for her PPD and she has the nerve to tell them how to live their lives.  Objectively speaking, that's wrong.  She doesn't have to like it or approve of it, but she does have to keep her mouth shut as long as she's living in their house.  You don't just move into someone else's house and demand they change the things you don't like--it doesn't work that way.</div><div>
</div><div>She can move out and try to help them, but giving them ultimatums related to the wedding is NOT the way to resolve deep, deep problems that some people never overcome.</div><div>
</div><div>The only thing she can control here is her response to her parents, and she's not approaching it very well, so yes, I will 'rag' on her for that because I can't 'rag' on her parents for their behaviour.</div>