Moms and Maids
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FMIL picked her dress...

Here's a couple of background points - my bridesmaids are in dark purple cocktail/knee length dresses and our wedding has an outdoor ceremony and indoor reception in October in Northern Michigan. We're expecting somewhere around 50 people, and while it will be nice, it is by no means a big formal affair.

My mom asked me if it was okay if she wore a cocktail length dress, since she says tea length isn't flattering and she feels too young to wear the full length dresses. I told her she can wear whatever she wants, in whatever color she wants, but to tell me when she does pick only because FMIL wants to know.

FMIL has asked me maybe 5 times what my mom is wearing, and every time my response is the same dark green, knee length. She also knows what the bridesmaid dresses are since her daughter is one.

She emails FI and tells him she picked a full length sapphire blue dress and thought that would be good since the bridesmaids are in tea length and my mom is in a full length too.

I really couldn't care less what she wears, as long as she's comfortable and is at the wedding. I just don't know how she was so off in the descriptions of the bridesmaids and my mom's dress when she went with bridesmaid daughter to try on and pick up the dress, and I've told her, FI has told her and bridesmaid daughter have told her what my mom's dress is.

Again, its not that I care what she wears, I just don't want her to feel uncomfortable on the day of the wedding when she's the only one in a full length dress. To say anything to her or not?

Re: FMIL picked her dress...

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    edited December 2011
    Well, if in conversation she says something to you about your mom's dress being full length, just remind her that it's knee length.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn't mention it.


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    edited December 2011
    I agree with Frogurt. If anyone thinks anything of it, it won't reflect on you in any way.

    On another note: how freakin' cute is your siggy pic!!!
    Anniversary
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    edited December 2011
    I don't see anything wrong with correcting her.
    panther
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    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't worry about it. She is not part of the WP, so it doesn't really matter that the Mom's match.
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    edited December 2011
    Totally doesn't matter...let it go.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What will you accomplish by making her second guess or feel bad about the dress she bought?  IMO:  let this go. 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Who cares if she's the only one in floor length?  Formality is dictated by more than just length, and the mothers are very, very rarely in any pictures together.  (I don't have a single one with both mothers.)

    I didn't give my bridesmaids a length guideline when picking dresses, so one of them ended up with a floor length gown while everyone else chose shorter dresses.  This was the conversation that followed once I realized that:
    Me: So you were the only one that ended up with a long dress, huh.
    Her: Yeah, [our other sister] said I shouldn't say anything about it if you didn't.
    Me: Well, would you consider shortening it?
    Her: I guess I could, but I really like it the way it is.
    Me: Okay then.  Just don't get all butt-hurt if I stick you on the end for pictures.
    And ultimately, it wasn't a big deal, and the pictures looked fine.  And that's with bridesmaids, who ARE a group and in a ton of pictures together.  My mother wore a short dress and DH's stepmother wore floor-length, and it was never brought up as an issue before, during, or after the wedding.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone for your advice, I was leaning towards not saying anything.

    To MissySue, MuffinsMom, Trix, and Aerin: I just want to point out that I don't care if she's in a floor length dress. In fact I directly stated "I really couldn't care less what she wears, as long as she's comfortable and is at the wedding."

    I was just asking because FMIL misunderstood, or forgot, what I told her about the other dresses when she asked (otherwise I wouldn't have even thought to tell her what my mom is wearing) and didn't want HER to feel like she didn't "match", not that I care if she didn't "match."

    Because I know my FMIL, I could see her feeling bad that she didn't match my mom, and asking other people if I was mad about it. (obviously I'm not)

    Just wanted to make it clear that I don't care what she wears. Don't want to be seen as one of those brides thats trying to dictate what anyone wears.
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    edited December 2011
    AJ, I am picking up what you are throwing down. my FMIL threw a hissy fit when she found out she was the only one NOT in a floor length dress, all BMs and MOB were in floorlength.  (This was at FBIL's wedding a year ago) and she has made it very clear to me that she wants to match what my mom is doing for my FI's and mines upcoming wedding. so I could see why you might want to say something, but if you already did she is an adult and can handle it..
    perhaps I will learn from this and send my FMIL pics in an email so mine doesn't get confused and then upset later.  (once we pick out dresses)
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your FMIL has asked you FIVE times, and now she's bought the wrong dress, because your mother didn't call FMIL early on and talk to FMIL about all of this.  Why not?  Why did you tell your mother to tell YOU about her dress choice so YOU could tell FMIL?  Traditionally, this is a conversation between MOB and MOG - see below, which might help other brides who are just starting the planning process:

    Q. As the MOG, is there some sort of dress code I need to be following?

    A. Per general etiquette, the MOB is to buy her wedding-day frock first, and then notify the MOG in a friendly, non-threatening format. The phone call is meant to subtly clue in the MOG to color, length, and overall formality.
    That's from:
    http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/mother-of-the-bride/articles/mother-of-the-groom-etiquette.aspx

    -------------------------------

    Q. What's the dress-buying protocol for moms?

    A. It's customary for the mother of the bride to purchase her dress first. Her choice is meant to subtly dictate what the mother of the groom will wear.

    Most would advise the MOB to avoid dresses in the white, ivory, and champagne color family.

    Q. When the mother of the bride buys her dress, is it her duty to then politely "inform" the groom's mother? What happens?

    A. Wedding etiquette says "yes." She is expected to notify the mother of the groom (presumably to prevent overdressing, clashing colors, and other fashion faux pas.) Give her a call youself. Try to sound as friendly and non-territorial as possible: "I finally found a dress that fits! Do you know what you're wearing yet?" Chances are the mother of the groom will want to know more.
    That's from:
    http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/mother-of-the-bride/articles/mother-of-the-bride-attire.aspx

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    edited December 2011
    Kristin - my FMIL didn't buy the "wrong" dress. She bought a dress she obviously likes and feels comfortable in. It just happens to be different in style than my mom's dress.

    Just because it may be traditional etiquette for my mom to have called her, that does not mean it is the only way to do it.

    My question wasn't how I should tell her to change her dress, or how to communicate the dress styles in the first place. It was should I say anything to FMIL about her misinterpretation of the dress styles so that she wouldn't risk feeling uncomfortable on the wedding day. Obviously, the consensus is no, and if she does question it on the wedding day, to assure her that she looks beautiful in the dress she is wearing.
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    edited December 2011
    Kristin those rules are from the land that time forgot. Please note the use of the word 'FROCK.' When was the last time you saw a frock shop?

    I am the MOB. I do not expect the MOG to follow my lead. She may purchase whatever dress she thinks is beautiful. If she finds something she loves, she should just buy it.  Who knows? I may not even find the right dress until a week or two before the wedding. If one of us chooses a full length and the other a knee length dress, what difference does it make? I do not expect her to wait for me and I'm not going to rush just to follow some antiquated rule.

                       
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have you talked this over with your FI?  How does he think she'd react?  I think it's great that you want to preserve your FMIL's feelings, so you'll have to decide whether in the long run she'll be happier with the dress she already has, or in a short dress like everyone else.  Maybe even your FI could have the conversation with her: "Mom, AJ's really concerned about making sure that you're comfortable at the wedding, and she's afraid you might feel weird being the only one in a long dress.  She doesn't have a problem with it, she just wants to make sure that you don't either."  That way she doesn't feel like you're hinting that she get another dress.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And Kristin, seriously?  I don't think my mother and FMIL even know each other's NAMES, yet alone each other's phone numbers.  These days, it's highly unlikely that the parents of the couple will have any social contact with each other, or even be in a position to do so.  That advice is highly, highly impractical for about 95% of brides.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    edited December 2011
    Aerin - great advice. Thanks!
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