Mother and Step-Mother...

Mindy2577

My parents have been divorced for almost 13 years now. My mom has never met my step mom and this is partly beacuse of my dad. My mom has always invited her to events, but only my dad would show up.

Now that I am engaged...I am a little nervous.
I know that both will be there, and Im sure they will get along with no drama, but when it comes to the planning part, my mother seems to think that my stepmom is helping me do all of this stuff. (Might help to tell you that I live 3 hours away from my mom, and 15 minutes away from my Dad/Stepmom)

I have already tried to tell her that I never speak to my stepmom unless we are out doing something (which is never) but she seems to still be upset about it. For instance...

My sisters told my mom that stepmother will be with us when I go dress shopping. I never said that..nor did I say that I want her there. I am partly upset with my sisters for saying that and I have tried telling my mom that she will not be there, but she just can't seem to get past it.

She is also upset because she feels like she isn't contributing enough towards our wedding and that my father is paying more. In my opinion, for someone who hasn't been in my life for the past 13 years...he can pay for it. (I know that sounds rude...its just how I feel.)

So question is...How can I comfort my mom through all of this? I don't want her to feel like she is being cast-aside when she clearly is not.

AutumnFair

Sounds like she is just insecure with the whole situation (probably due to the distance). Really, the best thing you can do is just keep reassuring her that you do not talk to your SM and that you really aren't interested in her being at certain bridal planning functions. I think once you go out and start doing some of the things like shopping for your dress, that she will see personally that she's not there/being involve. Another way to maybe help her is keep her in the loop with Wedding stuff you decided on. Also tell your sisters that you do not appreciate the lying to your mom and that their lying is hurting your mom's feelings.

Muffin'sMom

I think Autumn is fight...get into the planning and she will see that stepmom is not there.  And tell your sisters to grow up.  What they are doing is cruel to your mom and they need to stop it now.  If they want to be included, they will quit.

My grandparents divorced when my mom was maybe 10 or 12.  Grandpa stayed in Germany, Grandma moved to the US and married and divorced a couple of times.  Fast forward 30 years, and I am getting married.  They were both invited, both showed up, and had not SEEN each other since the day she left.  Not only that, they BOTH stayed at my folks house.  To put it mildly, I was scared.  But, my grandpa was a standup guy and was really nice to my grandma all weekend, though quite frankly, she didn't deserve it 

If people are grown, and act like it, and remember that they are there for someone else...it can be good!

Simply Fated

It sounds like your mom is insecure...

I hate to ask this, but is it keeping you from maybe starting a relationship with your step-mom? I mean, your dad has been pretty absent, but it's not this woman's fault.

If your mom feels left out, let her contribute, if you want her to. Otherwise, tell your mom to calm down and that she isn't, like, being replaced or anything.

Beachy730

I also think your mom is acting a little childish.  Just confirm that your step mom isn't there and forget it.  I would also have a talk with your sisters and ask them why they would tell your mom lies.  They need to get on the same page with you if your mom is going to act this childish for the entire wedding planning.  And your sisters' lying is only going to make the situation worse.

deepcovejackie

You're not responsible for your Mom's feelings, and I don't necessarily think you have to go about fixing it.  This is her problem to own, and it's a shame that it's affecting you.  Have a happy time planning your wedding, and involve your Mom when you can..

LiaAli

Its not your responsibility to fix your mom's feelings but I don't think you should just ignore how she feels. Your her daughter and this is the biggest day of your life and she wants to be a part of it. You can't fault her for that. But if you are telling her and reassuring her that your stepmom isn't involved in certain things then she needs to understand that and let it go. I have a stepmom too and my mom is very secure in the fact that SHE is my mom and nothing or no one can ever take that away.

tenofcups4me

It sounds like your mom just feels really bad that she can't be there to help you and can't give you as much money as she'd like to. Jealous and a little insecure? Yeah, probably that too, but I can't really blame her. I'd continue to reassure her that she's an important part of the wedding and your life and that in no way is step-mom taking her place.

Can you go to your mom's area for your first dress shopping trip? Or can she come to yours? For other things, I'd just be sure to really keep her in the loop. Depending on your relationship, bounce ideas off of her or if you don't want her that involved, email her pictures of things like invitations and flowers as you decide on them.

And tell your sisters to STFU.

Mindy2577

Thanks for the advice everyone!

We had a nice heart-to-heart talk last night and I think we both feel better about it. I told her that stepmom has her own 2 daughters, so when the time comes for them to go look for dresses, she can go with them. That made her laugh...so I knew we were good!!

I also spoke with my sisters and put them in their place. Hopefully no more drama for me!

marissa_claire

I think odds are your mom has been insecure about this for a while, but that it's really just now coming out because of the wedding.  

What she probably wants to hear?  "Mom, you are my only mother and no one could ever replace you."  Even adults get insecure.  It's no different than needing to hear from FI that he loves you.