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Dress Drama

LoveIsOwlYouNeedLoveIsOwlYouNeed member
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in Moms and Maids

I have three bridesmaids and two MOHs (5 total) and two months ago I sent out dress ideas to everyone and no one really got back to me, except one girl who basically said “I’ll wear whatever you want me to.”  Last week I contacted everyone again to ask if anyone had problems with my top pick.  Still nothing. The bridal store said we should order by Jan 31.  With the holidays coming up, I wanted to give everyone time to order and not feel rushed so today I emailed to say I was calling the store to tell them the dress/color and they should contact the store to place their orders.

One of my MOHs is pregnant, due mid January.  My mother and I also talked to the store about the pregnant MOH and they told us how they would handle it (and I think they see this plenty nowadays).  Despite the fact that she never said anything about the dress, today when I said “this is the dress” I got pushback—that Jan. 31 is just not going to work for her and there a lot of bridesmaid dresses out there and she thinks we could order later etc.  Not only am I upset about this last-minute pushback, I am now really stressing out about the dress situation. Which is just not helpful, and making me angry.

I guess what I want to know is—am I being totally unreasonable?  Did I make a huge mistake in the dress ordering process?  And what do I do now?

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Re: Dress Drama

  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16116fbb-d234-458a-a186-6a4cc86bcb94Post:d0dea092-ae36-4697-9b06-16ea959ac420">Dress Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have three bridesmaids and two MOHs (5 total) and two months ago I sent out dress ideas to everyone and no one really got back to me, except one girl who basically said “I’ll wear whatever you want me to.”   Last week I contacted everyone again to ask if anyone had problems with my top pick.   Still nothing. The bridal store said we should order by Jan 31.   With the holidays coming up, I wanted to give everyone time to order and not feel rushed so today I emailed to say I was calling the store to tell them the dress/color and they should contact the store to place their orders. One of my MOHs is pregnant, due mid January.   My mother and I also talked to the store about the pregnant MOH and they told us how they would handle it (and I think they see this plenty nowadays).   Despite the fact that she never said anything about the dress, today when I said “this is the dress” I got pushback—that Jan. 31 is just not going to work for her and there a lot of bridesmaid dresses out there and she thinks we could order later etc.   Not only am I upset about this last-minute pushback, I am now really stressing out about the dress situation. Which is just not helpful, and making me angry. I guess what I want to know is—am I being totally unreasonable?   Did I make a huge mistake in the dress ordering process?   And what do I do now?
    Posted by CherylAnn789[/QUOTE]
    Wait, are you having them buy a dress they've never even tried on?  Yeah, that's an issue.  Also, you're not getting married until August, so you should have more time, and I can definitely understand your MOH wanting more time to see how her body changes after delivery.
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You should have gotten a dollar limit from each BM as to what she was willing to spend. 

    Also, don't believe the stores about needing to purchase NOW.  These sales women work on commission and their goal is to get you to buy now so they can make their monthly quota.  Money is tight for everyone this time of year so don't push them and don't believe a sales person who says the dress is about to be discontinued.

    Your wedding is August 27, 2011.  You still have several more months before dresses have to be ordered. 
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Before you showed them dress choices, the first rule is to always ask for a budget.  Even now you should ask everyone what they are comfortable spending on a dress.

    After that, you look within that price range.  Nothing higher... ever.

    Then, remember that people at bridal salons are often pushy salespeople, just like a car salesman.  Their goal is to close the deal.  One of the best tricks of sales people?  Create a false sense of urgency.  I have yet to hear of a BM that took longer than maybe 2 months to come in.  

    I would personally recommend you go back, ask for budgets and when they might be able to place their orders.  After they give you a budget, I would also highly recommend going to look at places that are not bridal stores.  I see you're in Chicago - check out the Macy's on State Street.  They have a fabulous selection of formal dresses, a great number of which are around $100-$150.  


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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16116fbb-d234-458a-a186-6a4cc86bcb94Post:d0dea092-ae36-4697-9b06-16ea959ac420">Dress Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have three bridesmaids and two MOHs (5 total) and two months ago I sent out dress ideas to everyone and no one really got back to me, except one girl who basically said “I’ll wear whatever you want me to.”   Last week I contacted everyone again to ask if anyone had problems with my top pick.   Still nothing. The bridal store said we should order by Jan 31.   With the holidays coming up, I wanted to give everyone time to order and not feel rushed so today I emailed to say I was calling the store to tell them the dress/color and they should contact the store to place their orders. One of my MOHs is pregnant, due mid January.   My mother and I also talked to the store about the pregnant MOH and they told us how they would handle it (and I think they see this plenty nowadays).   Despite the fact that she never said anything about the dress, today when I said “this is the dress” I got pushback—that Jan. 31 is just not going to work for her and there a lot of bridesmaid dresses out there and she thinks we could order later etc.   Not only am I upset about this last-minute pushback, I am now really stressing out about the dress situation. Which is just not helpful, and making me angry. I guess what I want to know is—am I being totally unreasonable?   <strong>Did I make a huge mistake in the dress ordering process?</strong>   And what do I do now?
    Posted by CherylAnn789[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, pretty much.  "Here's the dress, pay up" is exactly the wrong way to go about this.  The proper way:

    1) Ask each girl individually what she's comfortable spending.  Not, "Is $X okay?", let them name the number.

    2) Go shopping around for a few different options under the lowest number, either in person with any interested girls or online.

    3) Give each girl the chance to try on each dress and vote on her favorite.

    Or, you could just give them each a few basic guidelines (length, color, fabric, etc.) and ask them to choose their own.  A lot of brides are going this route, because it saves a lot of stress and drama and still looks cohesive.

    But really, if the last day to order is January 31st (that being the actual drop-dead last date without paying rush fees, not just the date that they recommend), you should have just passed the information along and left it at that.  Your logic is backwards: the holidays are a terrible time to throw an extra expense at people, they'll likely be in a much better position to be able to order in January.

    ETA: I didn't see the August date.  Yeah, a more sane timeline has you just starting to think about looking for dresses now, not placing orders.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Get the budget first, then have them try it on.  The dress that looks great on the photoshopped model online may look terrible on your BMs.  

    This shouldn't remotely cause you stress.  That's ridiculous.  Plus, your wedding isn't until August.  Your BM is right--it is too early to order now, there is no reason to do it, and it doesn't take that long to come in.  A month for alterations is plenty of time.

    So in answer to your question, yes, I think you are being unreasonable.  Now I don't want you coming back in three hours complaining that you just wanted "advice and support."  You got advice (take a chill pill) and you flat-out asked if you were being unreasonable.  I'm telling you based on what YOU wrote that yes, you are being unreasonable and need to go back to the drawing board:

    1.  Ask each BM individually for her budget.
    2.  Look for dresses WITH them if feasible.
    3.  Don't pick anything unless they like it (they have to pay for it and wear it, and trust me unhappy BMs will ruin your photos and your mood).
    4.  Let them order at their own pace.

    The good news for you is that you have 8 months to do this when you only need 4-6.  After the holidays, start the process again.
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  • LoveIsOwlYouNeedLoveIsOwlYouNeed member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand what everyone is saying and thanks for the insights.

    Let me ask people's advice on one more thing then.  I live in Chicago.  Three of the maids live in Minnesota, one is in DC and only one is here.  When I sent things out like  dress ideas--for general styles etc.--or ask people what they want, budgets etc. no one responds.  How do I coordinate people that are so spread out from each other and from me?
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Pick a store like David's Bridal that has locations nationwide.  I'm in a wedding in NY next year and we were given a color and a length and told to get any dress from there in that color and length.  If you are okay with the BMs not being in all the same dresses, that would be the easiest way to go.

    If you want them in the same dress, pick a color and a length and ask them to go try some one.  You can go with a local BM to try on a few different styles and give them those specific styles to try on and have them give you your opnions on them. 
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Have you tried actually calling people?  It's really easy to ignore a text/email/Facebook message, or to mean to respond and forget.  Get them on the phone, on Skype, on some form of direct, synchronous communication and start the conversation over. 
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Cheryl, have you also considered maybe just letting them pick their own dresses?  Depending on the color, you can just specific a color and fabric and they could be responsible for picking their own.  I had black dresses, so I know that's easy for me to say, but even if your color is Tiffany blue or something specific, you could find a line by a certain designer that offers that color and then let them pick from that line of dresses.
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  • LoveIsOwlYouNeedLoveIsOwlYouNeed member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone.  I botched up on the maids dresses.  Appreciate your help.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16116fbb-d234-458a-a186-6a4cc86bcb94Post:b9f9c240-db1a-4d24-bec8-92df5fa3d1c0">Re: Dress Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone.  I botched up on the maids dresses.  Appreciate your help.
    Posted by CherylAnn789[/QUOTE]
    Hey, it happens.  The good news is, you've got plenty of time to do it the right way.  Stick around, we like people who listen to reason.  :D
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Best of luck!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    That's nice that you are taking everyone's advice into consideration. But I am curious about something.
    How is the bridal shop going to handle the sizing for the pregnant MOH? If she is nearly full term and your wedding is 8 months post pregnancy, her size is probably going to change considerably.
                       
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  • LoveIsOwlYouNeedLoveIsOwlYouNeed member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    They said they would base it off her non pregnant bra and street clothing size and make adjustments if she'll still be breastfeeding.  I'm not sure if that sounds reasonable or not.  I guess I was just trusting that they knew what they were talking about...but now I am not so sure.
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Since the MOH is due in mid-Jan and the dress isn't to be worn until Aug, it makes all the sense in the world to wait until March or April to order, when she's her actual post-pregnancy size.  Then you won't have to guess and she won't be out for lots of money for alterations when she gets closer to the wedding (hint hint, bridal shop smells blood in the water!).  The bridal shop may be able to do a pretty good job of guessing, but why do it if you don't have to?  Bear it mind it's the end of the year and they have every reason for wanting you to buy now (commissions, sales tallies, etc.).
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  • marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Cheryl - what bridal store have you been to?  I learned in my experience that they will kind of tell you whatever you want to hear.  

    I also want to tell you that your attitude is a breath of fresh air!  So many brides come on here and don't take advice well when they aren't just told what they want to hear.  I'm glad you are open to the advice and hope you find dresses your bridesmaids will love.  I would even suggest putting it on them to give you suggestions - which takes the legwork out of it for you. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Cheryl, thanks for answering. I was really just curious.

    I think Brooke is right, the sales person will tell you whatever it takes to insure her commission.

    Anyway, I'm glad you are being reasonable. I'm sure your wedding party will appreciate it : )
                       
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  • LoveIsOwlYouNeedLoveIsOwlYouNeed member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You know, it's a bridal store i wasn't all the impressed with.  i actually found my dress at another place here in chicago and knew I loved it.  I only ordered my dress through that shop because there isno sales tax in Minnesota and I was only there for one day so didn't have time to shop around there.... Me buying my dress from them had nothing to do with them or their service and I think that tells me to take what they tell me with a grain of salt.

    Of course I appreciate all the advice.  This is my first time doing anything like this (and I sincerely plan on it being my last!).  I need all the help I can get!
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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It's not something you think about when you shop.  I only know about it because I fell for it.  When I bought my wedding dress the shop told me it was "about to be discontinued."  Guess what dress I saw brides trying on six months later?  Even though I would have bought the same dress and bought it when I did, I feel pissed that I fell for it.

    I told this story on another thread on WP today: DH was a car salesman (I know, right?  He gets hell from me for it.) briefly between college and grad school and he never once sold a car because he would have had to lie through his teeth to do so.  Sales seems to involve that, particularly when commission is involved.  Bridal shops are counting on you being focused on having the perfect wedding that you decide to buy now and maybe even spend more than you'd planned.  
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  • marinabreezemarinabreeze
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm glad the PPs helped :-).  I know that lurking and participating has helped me keep a lot of the wedding worries away. 

    FWIW, my wedding is also in August 2011 (a couple of weeks earlier than yours), and I have yet to finalize with my BMs what kind of dress I want them to get.  I do have their budgets though, which they gave me individually, so that helps a lot.  All of my BMs are OOT.  I'm in Cincinnati, one of my BMs is in Columbus, OH, then I have another BM in NYC and my MOH is in Philadelphia, so I understand the distance factor totally.  To keep everything sane for all, I plan to just give them a color, a length (tea or cocktail), and a fabric, and then allow them to choose a dress within those parameters, probably at David's since physical stores are in each of their cities and they can try on themselves to see what they feel comfortable with.  Beyond that, I will leave it up to them, and trust that they are adults.  From what I have heard on TK and IRL, the turnaround time there is only a few weeks/couple of months, and so I know I have at least some time to figure it all out. 

    As for the pregnant BM, waiting until after the pregnancy is best, because post-pregnancy her body may not be the same as it was beforehand.  She'll have some time still, because for most bridal shops, the timeline (March/April for an August wedding) will still more than allow for her to get the dress in time.
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  • Jessica BassJessica Bass
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I think you should ask for your bridesmaid and mother's idea first, inside give the your choose directly.

    According to the first time they are not reply your email, you should call all of them to your home or the wedding dress store, let the storer tell them what is the best choice, generally,  under this situation, they are more willing to listen to the opinion of the bridal store.

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  • winter0412winter0412 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I got married in August, bridesmaids ordered their dresses 1st week of Feb.  Mine actually did take about 4 months to come in.  Which i realize is not the norm.  Davids Bridal- never had a dress take more than 3 weeks to come in.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16116fbb-d234-458a-a186-6a4cc86bcb94Post:fccf0c22-95d1-4947-a4e7-dc7dfc338ddf">Re: Dress Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should ask for your bridesmaid and mother's idea first, inside give the your choose directly. According to the first time they are not reply your email, you should call all of them to your home or the wedding dress store, let the storer tell them what is the best choice, generally,  under this situation, they are more willing to listen to the opinion of the bridal store.
    Posted by Jessica Bass[/QUOTE]
    Except, as many people have said previously in the thread, the bridal stores have absolutely no qualms about lying to you to get your money rightthissecond.  It's not a good idea to take their advice.
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  • herecomesthebride1986herecomesthebride1986
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree on the lady being a pushy sales person.. Mine is too, but I'm waiting..

    But.. I'm in a wedding in April 2011, and I ordered my BM dress in September, and they said it won't be bac until February March-ish.. some do take a while to make!
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  • sarahbourkesarahbourke
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    My bridesmaids are picking their own dresses and we picked black as the color.  I've sent two emails asking them to start looking, but no real replies.  I trust they'll get it done and I am not going to stress about it because they are adults and know they need to wear a dress.  My wedding is in 99 days.
    So no worries, you have more than enough time.  Also, you shou0ld all go on a shopping trip together and try on a handful of dresses so they feel involved, have a chance to find a dress that suits them, etc.
    Good luck, but stop stressing.

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  • Monica622Monica622 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi Cheryl,

    Have you checked out this site called WeddingtonWay.com?  It caters to brides who live far away from their bridesmaids.  I recently had my bridesmaids purchase their dresses from here, and it was a complete pleasure working with their team.  I was able to facilitate everything online (even have my bridesmaids rank their favorite styles within my selected dresses).  My bm's were able to complete the purchasing process all online.  Before commiting to any dresses, they sent me fabric swatches in the colors/fabrics options i wanted to see.  They have a really cute selection of dresses offered at reasonable prices, and they do carry maternity dresses as well.   I think your wedding is in July?  So you still have a bit of time.  Worth checking out if you're interested :)
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  • AmusingBrideAmusingBride member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16116fbb-d234-458a-a186-6a4cc86bcb94Post:d4b9bfe6-6d8d-4814-9e35-ba3977bbd7e9">Re: Dress Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi Cheryl, Have you checked out this site called WeddingtonWay.com?  It caters to brides who live far away from their bridesmaids.  I recently had my bridesmaids purchase their dresses from here, and it was a complete pleasure working with their team.  I was able to facilitate everything online (even have my bridesmaids rank their favorite styles within my selected dresses).  My bm's were able to complete the purchasing process all online.  Before commiting to any dresses, they sent me fabric swatches in the colors/fabrics options i wanted to see.  They have a really cute selection of dresses offered at reasonable prices, and they do carry maternity dresses as well.   I think your wedding is in July?  So you still have a bit of time.  Worth checking out if you're interested :)
    Posted by Monica622[/QUOTE]

    reported spammy mcspams alot.
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  • jyoung888jyoung888
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    David's Bridal pushes sales. My wedding is July 16th, 2011... my bridesmaids all have there dresses, except for one (she's ordering today). Their excuse was "wedding christmas"... they said that MANY women get engaged during the holidays, and then they want summer weddings, and this can lead to LONG waits on dress shipments, etc, etc.

    However I am a CONSTANT worrier, so it does make me feel better to know that all my girls, including my flowergirl and mom, are ready for my big day. It lets me sit back and worry about other things! lol.

    So in my opinion it depends on what kind of bride you are... im the stressed out bride. So this is one thing off my LONG to-do list!

    Good luck.

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  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dress-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:16116fbb-d234-458a-a186-6a4cc86bcb94Post:8008528e-03f9-4f8c-8f13-ba3d0064d136">Re: Dress Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]David's Bridal pushes sales. My wedding is July 16th, 2011... my bridesmaids all have there dresses, except for one (she's ordering today). Their excuse was "wedding christmas"... they said that MANY women get engaged during the holidays, and then they want summer weddings, and this can lead to LONG waits on dress shipments, etc, etc. However I am a CONSTANT worrier, so it does make me feel better to know that all my girls, including my flowergirl and mom, are ready for my big day. It lets me sit back and worry about other things! lol. <strong>So in my opinion it depends on what kind of bride you are... im the stressed out bride. So this is one thing off my LONG to-do list! Good luck.</strong>
    Posted by jyoung888[/QUOTE]
    <div>That's not something to be proud of, and it's only as stressful as you make it.  Forcing other people to spend money on your timetable is rude.  Trust your friends and you won't give them reason to spite you.</div>
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