Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!

easton87

I need advice. I got engaged in July and we're getting married NEXT July. As soon as we got engaged, my fiancés mother started to plan HER perfect wedding (even though she's been married for 26 years). I've been really annoyed because I feel like I can't plan my own wedding and she's always telling me that what I do is wrong or ugly or cheap. My fiancé makes me mad because he just says "oh she's just trying to help".

My sister, who is my maid of honor, generously offered her house for a Saturday in January to have an engagement party from 1-4 pm. Its just going to be a drop in and congratulate thing, nothing big. My MIL is so upset that we didn't rent a venue for it! First of all, we looked and everything is booked for holiday parties and second of all, she is the only one who wants a venue but she wants my sister to pay for it. We told her it was going to be at my sisters house and that's that, but my sister called me crying last night because my MIL emailed her saying "she doesn't understand her thinking" and that she is being "very immature"!

This has pushed me over the limit. I told her many times to just forget about the party, my sister has it under control, but now she's gone behind my back and done this. She is never going to stop destroying my wedding and I feel so defeated and stressed to the max. Any advice would be great.

I just also wanted to add that she always has theses big expensive ideas, but she has never offered to help pay for anything.  She just thinks that my FI and I and my family are made of money, and we certainly are not.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:950c5fca-daca-41bf-8cda-6832c26bfd90">Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE]I need advice. I got engaged in July and we're getting married NEXT July. As soon as we got engaged, my fiancés mother started to plan HER perfect wedding (even though she's been married for 26 years). I've been really annoyed because I feel like I can't plan my own wedding and she's always telling me that what I do is wrong or ugly or cheap. <strong>My fiancé makes me mad because he just says "oh she's just trying to help".</strong> My sister, who is my maid of honor, generously offered her house for a Saturday in January to have an engagement party from 1-4 pm. Its just going to be a drop in and congratulate thing, nothing big. My MIL is so upset that we didn't rent a venue for it! First of all, we looked and everything is booked for holiday parties and second of all, she is the only one who wants a venue but she wants my sister to pay for it. We told her it was going to be at my sisters house and that's that, but my sister called me crying last night because <strong>my MIL emailed her saying "she doesn't understand her thinking" and that she is being "very immature"!</strong> This has pushed me over the limit. I told her many times to just forget about the party, my sister has it under control, but now she's gone behind my back and done this. She is never going to stop destroying my wedding and I feel so defeated and stressed to the max. Any advice would be great.
Posted by easton87[/QUOTE]


First of all, is FMIL contributing to the costs of the wedding?  If she is, she gets a say in how it is planned.

Second, this isn't so much a FMIL problem as it is a FI problem.  Instead of telling his mother to butt out and standing up for you (and presumably your sister) he is taking her side and telling you to relax because dear old mom is just trying to help.  This is unacceptable.  How would he feel if you let your dad start taking over things that FI will want a say in like purchasing a house.  How would he feel if you looked him in the eye, dismissed his complaints and said, "But dad has done this before and we haven't.  He's only trying to help."

You need to deal with your FI first because if this is how he is going to treat you during your marriage, you have much, much bigger problems than just the wedding planning.

easton87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:950c5fca-daca-41bf-8cda-6832c26bfd90">Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE] I just also wanted to add that she always has theses big expensive ideas, but she has never offered to help pay for anything.  She just thinks that my FI and I and my family are made of money, and we certainly are not.
Posted by easton87[/QUOTE]

tldh

I just also wanted to add that she always has theses big expensive ideas, but she has never offered to help pay for anything.  She just thinks that my FI and I and my family are made of money, and we certainly are not.
Posted by easton87

Then she gets no say since she's not paying for any of it.  Keep your sanity and keep it this way. Your FI is the one who needs to handle her.  His mother = his problem.  If he doesn't, it's a huge red flag for you.

MairePoppy

Your FMIL was clearly out of line. She should not be trying to control a party that she is not hosting. And that was very, very rude to insult your sister's generous offer.

The only way you are going to get this woman in line, is to get your fi on board with you. If he isn't willing to stand up to his mom, you have a big problem that won't end with the wedding planning.  I hope you have a copy of that email so you can show it to your fi. There is no way that could be construed as being 'helpful.' I know she is excited about the wedding and getting carried away with planning her dream wedding, but that is no excuse for her rude behavior.

lynnmfrank

I'm sorry to admit that my sister was once a mother-in-lawzilla, much like your future one.

She was not able to contribute any money to my niece's wedding, so the groom's father graciously paid for everything--including a beautiful dress for my niece.

However, my sister behaved very badly throughout the planning AND on the wedding day.  She fought every decision, only accepting her own ideas of what the wedding should be, so my niece, her fiance and her finace's dad planned the entire thing behind her back.  It was the only way they could get anything done with a relative amount of peace.  This was tricky and I believe that they may have kept even the wedding invitations away from her; I can't give you specifics on how to accomplish this.

On the wedding day, my sister was shocked to learn that the reception would NOT be at the church, as she had wanted, but at a nearby hotel where alcohol would be allowed.  She stormed around the sanctuary and confronted the groom's father about it (I watched); he literally ignored her and walked away.  I then came up to her and said, "You need to settle down, be greatful that your daughter has a father-in-law that cares so much about her, and let her have her day."  At that point, she shut up and played along--realizing the battle was lost.

In short, everyone understood who the problem was and my sister just made a fool out of herself infront of lots of relatives and guests.  No one blamed the bride, the groom or the groom's father.  We knew my sister well enough to see what was happening.

Do what you need to do to have the wedding YOU want and know that others in your life support and understand that.

Good luck.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:195c431a-6da6-435c-948f-5edfb902ba12">Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE]Where is your fiance in all this?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Tugging on his mommy's skirts, asking to be picked up.

marinabreeze

I agree with PPs.  Your FI is marrying you, therefore you will be his new "family" and you should be his primary concern.  If you're having an issue with FMIL meddling, then FI should have the cajones to stand up for you.  If he is making excuses for his mother and not standing up for you, then he is your biggest problem, not your FMIL, and IMO you really should think long and hard before marrying him.  Don't think he'll change after the wedding; if he doesn't get the picture and stand up for you at this point, it will not get any better from here on out.

easton87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:87a0558f-3249-467c-a077-912e362e8166">Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far! : Tugging on his mommy's skirts, asking to be picked up.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Thanks for all your advice, but as for you, you are kind of taking it a bit far.  I do realize that I need to sit down and talk with him, its just that this is a busy time for him with his job and he is travelling a lot.  He is not here when she calls so he doesn't really know the extent of it.  When he comes home tonight, I will talk to him.  Please, don't be so rude.  Simple advice was all I was asking for.

ichellemay1

OP I can speak from personal experience on the FMIL subject.  I was married for 14 years to a man who wouldn't defend me or us to his family.  It was awful and, thankfully, I am no longer in that relationship.  I am by no means saying this is your situation, but be very clear about the boundaries before you move forward.

Good luck.

SeptemberFall2011

I disagree with alot of the PPs...I think you should tell her straight up how you feel and it she whines about you to the fiance just say "You didn't stand up for me or my sister so I had to do it." 

She may not like hearing what you have to say but someone has to say it.  You may also get alot of respect from her because she will know that you are not the kind of person to push around and face it-whether we humans want to admit it or not-we have more respect for people that do not allow us to push them around.

Muffin'sMom

She behaves this way because people...like your FI...allow her to get awy with it.  Find boundaries now, or you will be dealing with this for a really long time.  And while you're at it...deal with your FI too.

Kristin789

>>He is not here when she calls

My FMIL has never called the home phone.  She calls his cell phone, when she knows he is not at home.  He calls her on his cell phone when I am not here at home, or when he is not at home.

I don't think I have called his mom more than three times in 10 years.  She's only called my cell phone once, when DH did not have his with him and she got lost on the way to Busch Gardens.

There is no reason that your FMIL should be calling your home phone, esp when she knows full well that her son is NOT there.

mysticl

Kristen,
Why shouldn't her FMIL call their house?  I get that in this situation the FMIL is being a real PITA and is downright mean to the OP but you make it sound like a woman should have no contact with her MIL or FMIL.  My husband is active duty military and was often gone for days or weeks at a time for our entire engagement.  His mother would call me to see how was doing, find out if I needed any help with the wedding, and confirm details with me.  His sister and I would talk via e-mail or FB chat.  It really sounds like you have some major issues with your FMIL that need worked out and your FI is the one caught in the middle.  That is ridiculous that he can't call his mother in front of you. 

OP, I agree that you need to sit down with your FI and explain exactly what is going on and how it is making you and your sister feel.  You absolutely can keep her in the dark about your wedding plans but having no contact with her or always letting FI handle her is not going to work.  If you are going to marry this man then she is going to be your family.  So unless you expect him to completly cut her out of his life you need to find a way a to deal with her, especially if you plan to have kids. 

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:e274b5da-1ee0-49ea-b802-fc8f89cd9010">Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry to admit that my sister was once a mother-in-lawzilla, much like your future one. She was not able to contribute any money to my niece's wedding, so the groom's father graciously paid for everything--including a beautiful dress for my niece. However, my sister behaved very badly throughout the planning AND on the wedding day.  She fought every decision, only accepting her own ideas of what the wedding should be, so my niece, her fiance and her finace's dad planned the entire thing behind her back.  It was the only way they could get anything done with a relative amount of peace.  This was tricky and I believe that they may have kept even the wedding invitations away from her; I can't give you specifics on how to accomplish this. On the wedding day, my sister was shocked to learn that the reception would NOT be at the church, as she had wanted, but at a nearby hotel where alcohol would be allowed.  She stormed around the sanctuary and confronted the groom's father about it (I watched); he literally ignored her and walked away.  I then came up to her and said, "You need to settle down, be greatful that your daughter has a father-in-law that cares so much about her, and let her have her day."  At that point, she shut up and played along--realizing the battle was lost. In short, everyone understood who the problem was and my sister just made a fool out of herself infront of lots of relatives and guests.  No one blamed the bride, the groom or the groom's father.  We knew my sister well enough to see what was happening. Do what you need to do to have the wedding YOU want and know that others in your life support and understand that. Good luck.
Posted by lynnmfrank[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I dread happening on my wedding day.  My FMIL is like your sister, and while I know she'll be embarrassing herself and not my FI and me (or my family), it still sucks that everyone else has to deal with her.</div>

katheriner89

I have to agree with most ppl. Talk to your FI, about how it upsets you.

I have to tell you though, I've seen the ugly side of this. Once you guys have kids, she will be trying to tell you how to raise them, how to do this, how to do that.
I HOPE your FI talks to her.

lynnmfrank

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:8b1d18e1-93c2-43ee-a556-d90cf8dcff9e">Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far! : This is what I dread happening on my wedding day.  My FMIL is like your sister, and while I know she'll be embarrassing herself and not my FI and me (or my family), it still sucks that everyone else has to deal with her.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

SpecialK, I really sympathize.  It does suck. Good luck.

lynnmfrank

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_medling-future-mother-law-gone-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1625824a-ed73-4f9f-a117-8d4aa8f00b67Post:d9d6e534-ca14-4729-a5f7-548ea790fb31">Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Medling Future Mother-in-law Gone Too Far! : Thanks for all your advice, but as for you, you are kind of taking it a bit far.  I do realize that I need to sit down and talk with him, its just that this is a busy time for him with his job and he is travelling a lot.  He is not here when she calls so he doesn't really know the extent of it.  When he comes home tonight, I will talk to him.  Please, don't be so rude.  Simple advice was all I was asking for.
Posted by easton87[/QUOTE]
Easton,
I've learned that you have to take the advice on The Knot with a grain of salt.  I've gained some great insight from people regarding cake bakers, reception logistics, etc., but there are alot of unhappy people in the world who look upon venues like these boards to pass judgement on people's lives. 

I was told by several Knotties that I needed therapy and should consider breaking up with my fiance when I expressed fear over meeting his mom because they didn't get along.  That kind of blew my doors off until I remembered that any person on earth can read this stuff and vent their issues all over others on this website.

There is no way any of us can know what you're going through or what your sitatuion is. Not just because we've never met you, but because we aren't you! 

My advice is to take the suggestions that work for you and ponder them.  You will find the path that works for you and your finace.

I would just add that what you are going through isn't uncommon, you aren't  alone and people do find a way to have nice wedding despite not-so-nice relatives.  Hang in there.  I know you'll be fine.

Lynn