Mom vent

debdebdol

I understand this board may primarily be for mothers and BM's but I have to vent about my mother and felt that I could do so here.

So, here goes.  My mother and I have never been close.  As a child she always pawned me off on my aunt (her sister).  I spent most of my youth with this aunt, and I consider her to be more of a mother to me than my own mother.  It is 6 days until my big day and my mother has yet to show any excitement.  During the entire planning process she was never there to lend moral support or even bothered asking how the planning process was going.  It was as though her only daughter was not even getting married.  To be honest, I don't even know if she will attend the wedding.  She has not been there for graduations, or any other important moments so I won't be surprised if she does not come.

It just saddens me that she would not express any happiness or excitement on my big day.  I'm afraid that I will miss out on the moment with the mother of the bride will help her daughter get dressed on such an important day.  But, I will not dwell on it.  I will not let that dampen my big day.  After all, it is about FI and myself getting married and celebrating our marriage.

I just had to get that off my chest.  I've tried being strong and not showing my emotions or sadness over this.  TIA for listening to me.

MairePoppy

I'm sorry your mother is not the kind of mom that you long for. Who knows why some women just seem to be missing that maternal instinct?

It sounds like you have a loving aunt who is willing to fill in for your mother. She would probably be very touched if you asked her to do the honor of helping you dress for your wedding. Try to focus on the women in your life that have stayed close to you.

And I'm sending you a mom hug and lots of warm wishes. Be happy on your wedding day : )

[Deleted User]

I can totally relate to your situation. And you are right, it does feel good to get it off of your chest. My own Mom and I are not close either. She is very manipulative and controlling. I also suffered emotional and physical abuse by her as a child (that is a whole another story) which my Dad never did anything about.

My Mom went dress shopping with me once and that was it. Granted, I moved to be with my FI shortly after getting engaged (but it was no surprise or anything) and she did not lift a finger for the wedding, which was in our home state. She did not go to any of the tastings, ask what she could do, etc. Heck, they did not even see the reception venue or church until a few weeks before the wedding when they went there on a weekend and peeked inside.

Sometimes you just have to have a good cry. In my own situation, I have come to the conclusion that my Mom is not worth it. She needs serious help and refuses to get it. I don't want you to take this in a bad way, but while she is still my Mom and I love her, it will always be this way. During our pre-marital counseling, we talked with our priest about this and he gave us a lot of good advice on how to deal with her esp in the future when kids come into the picture. We now have firm rules on what we do in her being allowed to see our future kids, etc.

Good Luck and Congrats on your upcoming marriage!

CaseyandSalley

I can relate, My mom has SEVERE depression and just refuses to answer my calls and emails ect ect. We dont get along much at all. When I do bring up the wedding she doesnt hesitate to remind me "do you forget where your family comes from? Im cheap, not giving you a dime for your wedding"
Ya thanks mom. Your awsome mom
So I just stop talking about it with her (then she gets offended I dont talk about it with her)
Its never ending but all you can do is surround yourself with people who DO CARE and just deal with the ones who dont. I myself will not let my mother minimize my day just cause of how she is, you shouldnt either.
Best of luck!

suz62984

I'm sorry...that really sucks. I'm curious though; you said that your aunt is more of a mother than your bio mom. Why can't you have the mother/daughter moment with her? Bio mom may be...well...biological but from your post it sounds like she isn't your "mom."

Weddings don't tend to change relationships for the better. For some reason it only brings out the flaws and weaknesses in relationships. Maybe your mom isn't a "wedding person". It just sounds like your relationship has always been like this and you thought things would change just because you were getting married. Just have a good wedding day with your aunt and enjoy the time with her while getting ready!

AutumnFair

I agree with the other ladies, why not invite your aunt to help you get ready since she has been the mother figure in your life and have close bond with her?

debdebdol

Thanks ladies for your words of wisdom.  My aunt is actually my Matron of Honor   so she will be in the room when I get ready.  I'm afraid that if I do anything else to honor her, my mother will get angry and make a big scene at the wedding.  She has done this before but I want to avoid this happening on my wedding day.

I guess I just thought that she would be happy for me but it doesn't seem as though she is.  She is a very jealous, bitter person, and I have told her on several ocassions that she should appreciate what she does have because there are people who have less.  I hate to sound so negative and I'm not trying to make her out to be a horrible person.  She is my mother and no matter what I will always love her.

Bride2011be

I agree with all the others on this board ... I have a very similar situation in where I am not close to my mom at all and she isn't even attempting to take time off from her job to travel with my dad and I to Illinois, where we decided to hold the wedding (since a huge chunk of our family is there, both mine and my fiance's) and I try running things by her, she either passes it off as I don't care or whatever or plain and simple uh huh ... She even takes it to the extreme sometimes and says that my fiance and I aren't ever going to have a place of our own and if we do, we're both going to have to work 2 jobs and she even goes on about that we aren't going to be able to take the honeymoon we are talking about,heaven forbid I bring children into this world, I'm setting them up for failure ... 1) I have a very good job and so does my fiance and 2) we never said we were looking to start a family right away either ... I'm looking more towards my dad to help with the blunt of wedding planning and just letting my mom be.
 I'm sorry your mom is that way but in all honesty the way you described your relationship with your Aunt, I think she should be the one who gets to share in the "mother-of-the-bride" moment.

Kristin789

Your mom might feel like there wasn't any room for her in the planning / hosting of this wedding.  Your invitations look like your parents aren't at the top as the hosts, and your narrative on your website is all about how you are doing all the invitations and envelopes (traditionally done by the MOB as the host of the wedding) and you went to this vendor and that vendor and you did the tastings and you made this decision and that decision.  Traditionally, the MOB is at least included, even if she doesn't have an enthusiastic attitude.  You could meet with your mom and your aunt, and talk about how you ARE making space for her to be involved in the rehearsal, the RD, the wedding ceremony, and the reception.

She might think that you have given everything to your FI already.  Your bio says you met your FI when you were 16, and except for a brief time, you have been with him exclusively for over 10 years.  Maybe she thought that you should have kept him at arm's length instead of waiting around for 10 years.  Maybe she thinks that your FI is a user, or a manipulator - on your website you say that FI really wanted your venue, and he pushed for it, but you weren't sure, but then later you finally agreed.  That could look like you are being swallowed up by your FI, and maybe your mother had a similar experience and doesn't want that to be your reality in marriage.  You could meet with your mother and talk to her about getting married and being married, and reassure her that you are a strong woman who won't be run over by FI.

Muffin'sMom

People are who they are.  The hardest thing thing to accept is that just because they are your parents, doesn't make them good at it...or even good people.  I know exactly how you feel, I have the same situation with my own mother.

If nothing else, when you have your own children...remember how this feels.  Make it your life's goal not to be that way.

Have a beautiful day surrounded by people who love you!