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Am I out of line?

My wedding is early in the day in June and when it came to my mother, she asked me what I wanted her to wear.  I told her it didn't matter, but I did request complimentary colors.  (My wedding is white and celery green, so my request was more along the lines of not anything extremely dark.)

My MIL to be did not ask me for any suggestions, and following what she has done in the past, my mother contacted her and shared what she purchased (after my MIL to be inquired with my mother). 

Since she did not come to me, I didn't really worry thinking she would use my moms dress as an idea (why else would she ask my mom).  I did hear her mention something about wearing black, so I mustered up the courage to request she not wear black.  (I personally think she hates me, so the whole black thing was a fear of mine since it is commonly associated with mourning). 

Anyway, she went and bought a black dress.  I asked my fiance to say something (such as "mom, we asked you not to wear black"), and he did, but I guess she won that argument. 

 I am really upset, mostly because I feel she disrespected my one request.  If she even called me and said "do you mind..." and explained her reasoning, I would have understood, but it was a dress she saw while we were out shopping and said "only if it weren't black" and then went back without me and bought it.

Am I wrong to be upset?

Re: Am I out of line?

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    edited December 2011
    You know what?  You don't get to dictate the attire of the mothers of the bride or the groom.  If your FMIL wants to wear black, so be it.  Smile and nod.  In terms of your relationship with your FMIL, incidents like this definitely won't endear you to her.

    I can understand how you might feel, but don't assume it was an intentional slight on the part of your FMIL.
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    edited December 2011
    Honestly? Black is very classy...hardly anybody will think of black as a color of "mourning" Anything goes now. So yes you are completely outta line in this case. Maybe black slims her down or she feels comfortable in it.
    Wedding Planning Bio/Blog Here Updated as of 2/1/11 Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto Jackie.  I absolutely feel for you but you can't tell her what she can or can't wear.  If you could, believe me, "No black attire for the ladies" would be printed on my invitations.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:19592290-c3bb-4853-84b0-8cb874fdde1fPost:c32072d0-4e08-4c1c-a039-d745bc4a94aa">Am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is early in the day in June and when it came to my mother, she asked me what I wanted her to wear.  I told her it didn't matter, but I did request complimentary colors.  (My wedding is white and celery green, so my request was more along the lines of not anything extremely dark.) My MIL to be did not ask me for any suggestions, and following what she has done in the past, my mother contacted her and shared what she purchased (after my MIL to be inquired with my mother).  Since she did not come to me, I didn't really worry thinking she would use my moms dress as an idea (why else would she ask my mom).  I did hear her mention something about wearing black, so I mustered up the courage to request she not wear black.  (I personally think she hates me, so the whole black thing was a fear of mine since it is commonly associated with mourning).  Anyway, she went and bought a black dress.  I asked my fiance to say something (such as "mom, we asked you not to wear black"), and he did, but I guess she won that argument.   I am really upset, mostly because I feel she disrespected my one request.  If she even called me and said "do you mind..." and explained her reasoning, I would have understood, but it was a dress she saw while we were out shopping and said "only if it weren't black" and then went back without me and bought it. Am I wrong to be upset?
    Posted by ASerbu[/QUOTE]

    JIC
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unless she's also wearing a black veil and weeping, I don't think anyone is going to presume that she's in mourning.  And honestly, if your relationship with her wasn't that great to begin with, telling her what she was and wasn't allowed for the wedding wasn't the best of ideas.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Nowadays it is perfectly normal for people to wear black to weddings. I can't say that she didn't do it out of spite since I don't know her from Adam, but I would say that this is one of those battles to leave behind. It wont ruin any of your pictures-- how many pictures would she be in with your WP anyway? My mom is wearing black and will look stunning. 
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    jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unless it stops you and your FI from saying "I do", then it's not worth the stress.  You should just let it go.
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    twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Black will be fine. I was recently at a wedding where both mothers wore black, and it was beautiful.

    The idea that you shouldn't wear black to weddings is completely outdated at this point. It's often a lovely, flattering color, and perhaps your FMIL will feel most comfortable in it.

    As PP said, you only get to dictate the attire of the WP, not your other guests (including family). Just let this go, everything will be fine. No one will even give a second thought to the color of your FMIL's dress.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Getting married does not give you the right to tell anyone but the WP to wear. You gave a request and she found something else that she feels beautiful in. Let it go. Don't think that her ignoring your request is disrespecting you because it's not, like the others said you can suggest something but trying to force your "vision" onto anyone besides the WP is going into controlling Bridezilla territory. Once again, let it go.
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    edited December 2011
    I completely understand how you feel.  I am uber old fashioned when it comes to wearing black as a MOB or MOG.  Fo me, it just wouldn't work.  That being said, I don't get to decide how the rest of the world feels...and sadly you don't either.  It's not a fight you can come out of without hurting feelings and straining relationships.  She will be in very few photos, and none with the bridal party, so it really isn't an issue.  Don't give her a reason to start out with a chip on her shoulder.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    edited December 2011
    I understand how you feel, but wearing black at weddings is no longer taboo like it used to be. Also, unfortunately, you don't really get to tell MOB or MOG what they can or can't wear. You can make a request, which you did, but you can't dictate. I'm sure you'll be too busy on your wedding day to notice or care what she is wearing. And I think it will be easier on you and your relationship with FMIL if you let her wear what she likes and feels comfortable in rather than trying to get her to wear something else.
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom is wearing black to my wedding.  She's not in mourning, she's pretty excited for the wedding.
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    LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Personally I think it's kind of messed up that she went and bought it behind your back, after having seen it while you guys were out shopping and even saying "If only it weren't black"... so it's not like she didn't know or thought that maybe you would approve if you saw it. I would probably feel like that was some kind of passive aggressive bullshit on her part....

    but on the other hand, it's really not worth getting upset over either. If she WAS trying to say something passive aggressively... oh well, that's her problem, I wouldn't think on it because if someone's not going to say something right out then it doesn't really deserve to get noticed. Your FI already said something to her. that's about the most you can do. The best thing, I think, to do would be to ignore it, because that way whatever she was trying to do with such a behind-the-back move is moot.

    Let her wear what she wants, if she did it purposefuly to disrespect and upset you, then it's just one in her face that you don't bother to care. Just ignore the b.s. and enjoy your wedding =)
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_am-out-of-line?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:19592290-c3bb-4853-84b0-8cb874fdde1fPost:bbcf0723-6454-4bcb-9714-14294e8dfa4a">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly? <strong>Black is very classy...hardly anybody will think of black as a color of "mourning"</strong> Anything goes now. So yes you are completely outta line in this case. Maybe black slims her down or she feels comfortable in it.
    Posted by Noellesmama[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. I doubt you only wear black when you are mourning. Black looks good on everyone and is easy to accessorize. No one is going to think she is in mourning because her son is getting married to you. It's just a color and you are way over thinking this.

    You said that you think she hates you, well since you've made that assumption you probably are reading way more into things then you need to be. Your MIL is going to be a part of your life for a long time and you are going to need to figure out how to get along with her. Learn to let stuff like this go and you are going to have a much happier life.


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    edited December 2011
    As much as we'd like to dress everyone attending the wedding, we can't. She is grown and can wear what she wants. I wore a black dress to a mid-day summer wedding and it was totally fine. However, I can imagine that a mother type dress in black would look like funeral attire, but that's her problem.


    "I don't know guys, that's a really nice thing to have in your house. I have one similar saying written on the walls all over my quiet, neat, non-childproofed home. I have it in my brand new car as a decal on the window. I even wear it on a t-shirt for when I go out to dinner or hang out at a trendy bar or go on a relaxing vacation. "All because I use birth control." It still brings a tear to my eye..." SnarkyMcSnarkerson
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    AmandaGarretAmandaGarret member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would be mad. But guess what, the jokes on her. Most people will think "oh my gosh I can't believe she wore black to a wedding and she's even the mother of the groom!" Then they'll look at how beautiful you are and totally forget about her. I'm dreading what my FMIL will wear. Go look beautiful and have fun at your wedding. 
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