Premature decision on MOH??

Champ2011

So I don't have any real close chick friends. I based my MOH choice on the fact that she is a friend of mine and is married to the Best Man.
But she isn't taking the initiative on anything and I don't have the time or energy to micro-manage.
One of my other friends took the reins and has planned nearly all of the bachelorette party and keeps on me about where I'm at.
I feel guilty for the girl that's done all this work and is essentially going to get nothing for it while my MOH isn't really doing much.
What should I do? I don't want to be a B*@%& and be like 'you're not cutting it' but she isn't. When I asked her I didn't realize the type of person I need as my MOH, and now I'm realizing she just isn't that kind of person.
HELP PLEASE!!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_premature-decision-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:19c04ed4-5550-4890-8341-ae44dd0109c0Post:ea781637-e3f5-4209-abd5-f6c598548e1e">Premature decision on MOH??</a>:
[QUOTE]So I don't have any real close chick friends. I based my MOH choice on the fact that she is a friend of mine and is married to the Best Man. But she isn't taking the initiative on anything and I don't have the time or energy to micro-manage. One of my other friends took the reins and has planned nearly all of the bachelorette party and keeps on me about where I'm at. I feel guilty for the girl that's done all this work and is essentially going to get nothing for it while my MOH isn't really doing much. What should I do? I don't want to be a B*@%& and be like 'you're not cutting it' but she isn't. When I asked her I didn't realize the type of person I need as my MOH, and now I'm realizing she just isn't that kind of person. HELP PLEASE!!
Posted by Champ2011[/QUOTE]
MOH isn't a reward for best helper.  Yes, you were wrong to choose someone who wasn't very close to you as your MOH.  Now you need to accept the consequences of that.  Your MOH has no obligations except to get the dress and smile for pictures.  Anything she does beyond that should be because she genuinely wants to, not because you're badgering her into doing her "job" or because she wants a promotion.

Leave things as they are, and be sure to take your helpful friend out to lunch or get her a nice gift to let her know how much you appreciate her efforts.  If your plans are really beyond what you and your FI can handle, either scale them back or hire a planner, whose job actually would be to keep track of all the details and help plan your wedding since she's being compensated for it.

sprtychick10

Diito, ditto, ditto. Just because you asked her to be your MOH doesn't mean she has to do anything for you besides buy the dress, stand beside you on your wedding day and smile for pictures. If you expected her to do all these things then you should have explained this to her from the get to.

immaeetu

So you asked someone you really weren't friends with to be your MOH and you're surprised that she's not falling all over herself to do things for you?  Well, I for one am SHOCKED!

You'd be a total bridezilla if you kicked her out over that.  This is your fault, so you have to live with the consequences.

Why didn't you ask this other friend originally?

MairePoppy

Your MOH has to buy the dress, show up on time for the wedding and have a good will toward you and fi. That's it. She is not responsible for planning parties for you or keeping you on track.
If you can't handle your own wedding planning, then you need to scale back to something more manageable or pay a wedding planner.

ichellemay1

In Response to Re: Premature decision on MOH??:
[QUOTE]Diito, ditto, ditto. Just because you asked her to be your MOH doesn't mean she has to do anything for you besides buy the dress, stand beside you on your wedding day and smile for pictures. If you expected her to do all these things then you should have explained this to her from the get to.
Posted by sprtychick10[/QUOTE]

Ditto again!

jcamm11

Being your MOH isn't some big reward.  It's fine if the other maids plan parties for you and she does not.  Many brides don't get any showers or bachelorette party at all.  Why?  Because it's not a requirement for anyone to spend their money throwing a party for you - not even your MOH.

seasidebride24

Bachelorette parties and wedding showers are gifts, not required duties of BMs.  Planning is the responsibility of the bride and groom, and a wedding planner if they hire one.  The wedding party is required to show up in the appropriate attire at the correct time, they perform their duties during the ceremony and then pose for pictures.  After that, they become just another guest at the reception.  You can ask them to give a toast/speech on your behalf but they can decline. 
If one of your BMs is helping you out then that is amazingly helpful and you should make sure to thank them.  My MOH is extremely busy with work and hasn't helped me with any wedding planning, but she listens to me vent about frustrations over a glass of wine.  On the other hand, one of my BMs has done nothing but cause my frustrations and the other one has stayed on top of every deadline and detail.  Each person views their responsibilities to the wedding differently and it isn't right to hold it against them unless you expressed your expectations from day one.

graysquirrel

What do you do? I'd say nothing. Your MOH isn't doing anything wrong. She isn't obligated to plan parties or keep you on track-- those things are extras that good friends do because they love you. I agree with pp that a show of appreciation to your BM would be kind, like a gift card or special thank you, but it wouldn't be wise to change people's roles now that they've been accepted. 

Mattie Lynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_premature-decision-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:19c04ed4-5550-4890-8341-ae44dd0109c0Post:ea781637-e3f5-4209-abd5-f6c598548e1e">Premature decision on MOH??</a>:
[QUOTE]So I don't have any real close chick friends. I based my MOH choice on the fact that she is a friend of mine and is married to the Best Man. But she isn't taking the initiative on anything and I don't have the time or energy to micro-manage. One of my other friends took the reins and has planned nearly all of the bachelorette party and keeps on me about where I'm at.<strong> I feel guilty for the girl that's done all this work and is essentially going to get nothing for it</strong> while my MOH isn't really doing much. What should I do? I don't want to be a B*@%& and be like 'you're not cutting it' but she isn't. When I asked her I didn't realize the type of person I need as my MOH, and now I'm realizing she just isn't that kind of person. HELP PLEASE!!
Posted by Champ2011[/QUOTE]

First, its too late to change your mind.  Also, as far as I know people do not stand up and applaude the MOH/Best Man (thats your job) and if your MOH is not taking the lead, then make sure you show double appreciation for your friend who has.  The only way she wont "get anything for it" is if you neglect her, and it sounds as if she is being the friend you need.

erollis

It is ok if the MOH isn't doing squat and the BM is doing everything. It is there choice if they want to do certain things. I am sorry you feel bad for your BM. Just thank her and after it is all said and done maybe you give her a small gift card in a thank you note for everything she has done. If you really do feel horrible.Just let things stay the way they are. Don't demote/ promote anyone. It isn't a nice thing to do.