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Moms and Maids

ex-bridesmaid drama (long one -sorry)

I'm sorry this is long, but in order to get real responces, I can not hold back any details. it would not be whole truth if I did.

My FI's sister in law was not getting along with my mom. At the last minute, my mom found out about a conflicting batismal in the family that was for the same date as my shower. When she brought it up to my FI SIL (who was making the shower invites) that she'd have to change the date, my SIL got very up set. So upset that she felt she needed to back out of the planning of the shower. I found out later that she went as far as to delete the created files from her computer, and gave my mom nothing to work with. I was upset when I found this out, but I urged both women that they needed to talk, they need to resolve their issues.

Unfortunetly, (fiance's SIL) she's been having a difficult pregnancy, and was unsure if she would even be able to attend the wedding. The doctors keep telling her she could possible be put in bed rest. While me and my FI new this, we never thought of not haveing her in the WP, until she emailed me at work and told me I should replace her based on her health issues. We made a date for the four of us to meet and disscuss this, and when all was said and done, she seem okay with steping back and us replacing her. I was upset by all this bc it was only 3 months to my wedding. There was no way I could order another BM dress in time, and I felt the way things came out that she had been feeling this way for some time, but didn't want to speak up.

Only days go by and I start to hear through the grape-vine that "we kicked her out of the wedding, and then replace her out of no-where". Making me and my FI sound like the bad guys. That same weekend, my FI grandmother dedicated a chruch ceremony to her late husband. Not only were we ignored and snubbed during church, but she and my fi's brother left early to avoid us. When we confronted them that day, they said they didn't understand our decision. We reminded them that this all started with her email, and it was for the best for her & the baby's health. Theses were her words and she took her self out, not the other way around. Long story short, she end up not coming to my shower and we haven't talked since. Now I have to attend her baby shower this weekend and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this drama.

It's almost one month away from my wedding, and from my understanding, her health condition hasn't got any better. She is still a high-risk pregnancy and still might miss my wedding. I feel bad that we replaced her, but I don't think I did anything wrong. She came to us, what was I suppose to do? What hurts the most after all of this is that we used to be very close, and i missed her at my shower. I fear that this whole drama will change how close my FI is to his brother, and that upsets me as well.

Re: ex-bridesmaid drama (long one -sorry)

  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to ex-bridesmaid drama (long one -sorry):
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry this is long, but in order to get real responces, I can not hold back any details. it would not be whole truth if I did. My FI's sister in law was not getting along with my mom. At the last minute, my mom found out about a conflicting batismal in the family that was for the same date as my shower. When she brought it up to my FI SIL (who was making the shower invites) that she'd have to change the date, my SIL got very up set. So upset that she felt she needed to back out of the planning of the shower. I found out later that she went as far as to delete the created files from her computer, and gave my mom nothing to work with. I was upset when I found this out, but I urged both women that they needed to talk, they need to resolve their issues. Unfortunetly, (fiance's SIL) she's been having a difficult pregnancy, and was unsure if she would even be able to attend the wedding. The doctors keep telling her she could possible be put in bed rest. While me and my FI new this, we never thought of not haveing her in the WP, until she emailed me at work and told me I should replace her based on her health issues. We made a date for the four of us to meet and disscuss this, and when all was said and done, she seem okay with steping back and us replacing her. I was upset by all this bc it was only 3 months to my wedding. There was no way I could order another BM dress in time, and I felt the way things came out that she had been feeling this way for some time, but didn't want to speak up. Only days go by and I start to hear through the grape-vine that "we kicked her out of the wedding, and then replace her out of no-where". Making me and my FI sound like the bad guys. That same weekend, my FI grandmother dedicated a chruch ceremony to her late husband. Not only were we ignored and snubbed during church, but she and my fi's brother left early to avoid us. When we confronted them that day, they said they didn't understand our decision. We reminded them that this all started with her email, and it was for the best for her & the baby's health. Theses were her words and she took her self out, not the other way around. Long story short, she end up not coming to my shower and we haven't talked since. Now I have to attend her baby shower this weekend and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this drama. It's almost one month away from my wedding, and from my understanding, her health condition hasn't got any better. She is still a high-risk pregnancy and still might miss my wedding. I feel bad that we replaced her, but I don't think I did anything wrong. She came to us, what was I suppose to do? What hurts the most after all of this is that we used to be very close, and i missed her at my shower. I fear that this whole drama will change how close my FI is to his brother, and that upsets me as well.
    Posted by jmcandrew[/QUOTE]

    I think the best thing to do is apologize for replacing her, if possible I would still leave an open invitation as a BM to maybe make up for it (all she would have to do is find an off rack dress in the color of your BMs). She might have said initially that it was alright and she might have even suggested to be replace but I think with her emotions and hormones being crazy for you to replace her was wrong and it really hurt her feelings (hence, why we ALWAYS tell Brides to NEVER replace a person because people should never BE replaceable). 
  • sytomsytom member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you could maybe let it go for a while.  If her pregnancy is as difficult as it seems, she probably has her head more than full right now.  I would attend the baby shower and put on a big smile.  If you feel the opportunity presents itself, you maybe could talk to her.  But, I would wait.
    I honestly think that both of you did the right thing given both situations (except for deleting the files!).  Maybe it would be a good idea that your FI and his brother have a good talk.

    Good luck!
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    1.  You need to learn more about pregnancy.  It's really not like you see on TV.  Pregnancy is a time of wild changes and fluctuations, and hormones are going crazy, and you feel awful 80% of the time, etc.  My best friend told me that she didn't vomit with morning sickness very often - though she felt like it and would spend over an hour in the bathroom each morning just in case, but when she DID vomit, she had a standing order at her chiropractor's office, so she could get up, brush her teeth, and go directly to the chiropractor's office to have her neck re-aligned.  No kidding.  Most women cover it up, keep it secret, brush it aside - but it's a truly awful 9 months.  Your FI's SIL isn't in her right mind and you need to get some compassion and empathy.

    2.  Your FI's relationship with his family, and with his brother's wife, is HIS business.  He decides how to deal with all of this.  Not you.  If you go sticking your fingers into his business, you will be perceived as a passive aggressive b!tch.  You don't want to start out your marriage like that.

    3.  Your wedding is in a month.  You should be clearly and exclusively focused on the spiritual and religious preparation for your own wedding and building a solid foundation for your marriage.  Not fretting about whether your FI's brother's wife likes you or not.
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The thing that you did wrong was replacing your FSIL, even if it was her idea.  As PP said, you never replace people because you don't want to indicate that they are replaceable.  People aren't props to be traded in or out as your aesthetic demands for the wedding.  You can have uneven sides you know.

    Apologize to your FSIL for replacing her and re-extend the offer for her to be in the WP.  If you think it would help, you could kindly remind her that she had said she wanted to step down and show her the email she sent you.  Tell her "I'm really sorry, FSIL, I thought that you wanted to step down because your pregnancy has been so hard, but I hope you know that I do want you up there.  I realize I might have suggested otherwise when I asked so-and-so to be in the wedding instead, and I'm really sorry for that.  But if I misunderstood and you do want to be in the wedding still, I would love to have you."
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
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    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
  • jmcandrewjmcandrew member
    Fifth Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    so I've slept on this and woke up with some clearer thoughts:

    1. I know I need to be more understanding of her and her pregnancy. It's hard when i've never been through it to judge her, and I know it's not fair. That being said, I still don't completely believe she gets off free just because she's having a rough time being pregnant. I can't read her mind. I wanted her to be in WP bc I though she would be supportive and would be there for me, and when I got her email that said I should replace her, it stung. How could she come at me 3 months before, and tell me she no long wanted to be in the WP. Something like that should of been brought up in person or by phone, not an email to my work email address, she might as well have just texted me.

    2. I have apologized to her. I still have her second dress that I bought her when we learned that the first was no longer going to fit her. (we didn't know she was pregnant when we orderd the first time, only later we relised she will be 8 1/2 mths pregnant by my wedding date.) I will again present her with the dress and tell her how it is important to us, and how much we really do still want her there. I have purchased a BM gift for her that I plan on giving her at the rehearsal dinner. I am not trying to win/buy her back, and it's not that I need "her to like me", I just feel strongly that as family we need to be there for each other (even though she has already shown me me twice (once with the shower, and then again with the email) that she rather back out of being involved.)

    3. There was definitely a misunderstanding. She should not of emailed me if that's not how she felt, and I should not of replaced her. Unfortunately, what done is now done and I can't change it no matter how much I wish I could. Most importantly there is a baby on the way & I would like to be part of her life. and I'd like to move forward. I just hope she feels the same way. I will talk to her again this weekend.

    I guess what I was posting this for was to partly vent, but also get some outsiders perspective on what I should do moving forward. Thank you!
  • sytomsytom member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hope everything turns out well!!!
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt168af9.aspx[/img][/url]
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I like your new perspective.  It's not ideal that she emailed you and I understand that you'd be hurt, but you can't control her actions, only your own.  I'm glad that you're focusing on your relationship with FSIL rather than your wedding or wedding party.  I think things will work out much better for you this way.  Also, I think giving her her WP gift regardless is a great idea, very sweet.
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
    image Wedding Countdown Ticker
    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I liked #2 in your last post. It's great that you've decided to take the high road. I'm sure your fsil will appreciate your thoughtfulness, whether or not she is able to participate in your wedding.
    I hope this turns out well for both of you. Best wishes.

                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: ex-bridesmaid drama (long one -sorry):
    [QUOTE]1.  You need to learn more about pregnancy.  It's really not like you see on TV.  Pregnancy is a time of wild changes and fluctuations, and hormones are going crazy, and you feel awful 80% of the time, etc.  My best friend told me that she didn't vomit with morning sickness very often - though she felt like it and would spend over an hour in the bathroom each morning just in case, but when she DID vomit, she had a standing order at her chiropractor's office, so she could get up, brush her teeth, and go directly to the chiropractor's office to have her neck re-aligned.  No kidding.  Most women cover it up, keep it secret, brush it aside - but it's a truly awful 9 months.  Your FI's SIL isn't in her right mind and you need to get some compassion and empathy. 2.  Your FI's relationship with his family, and with his brother's wife, is HIS business.  He decides how to deal with all of this.  Not you.  If you go sticking your fingers into his business, you will be perceived as a passive aggressive b!tch.  You don't want to start out your marriage like that. 3.  Your wedding is in a month.  You should be clearly and exclusively focused on the spiritual and religious preparation for your own wedding and building a solid foundation for your marriage.  Not fretting about whether your FI's brother's wife likes you or not.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with the majority of this. For one thing, yes OP needs to be senstitive to her FSIL's pregnancy and health issues but not every woman has a miserable pregnancy. Some women really enjoy being pregnant. It's pretty unreasonable to suggest that every woman has an awful 9 months.

    Second, yes it is important for her FI to handle situations with his family but soon they will be her family too. She isn't meddling in their business as they are clearly placing her in the middle. If she steps back and lets FI handle every situation with his family she will be left out of many situations during their marriage and she will be expected to not have a voice.

    Finally, during the month before our wedding there were quite a few things that I was focused on besides "building a solid foundation" for our marriage. If my FSIL had a huge problem with me, you bet I'd be trying to work it out. Especially since OP said her and FSIL were once very close.

    OP - I hope you get things worked out, even if it has to wait until after the baby is born. Let us know if anything new develops!
  • jmcandrewjmcandrew member
    Fifth Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just an update:

    So FSIL's baby shower was this past weekend. I went and was very cordial. BIL gave me a hug so I think he might be seeing things differently. FSIL however did avoid me (and it was very apparent she was doing so. others around me where picking up on it), and at the end I did get a reluctant hug from her. Not much was said, I didn't feel it was appropriate, being as it was her shower and all. I didn't get a vibe that she was over what happened, i know she's still mad. This was the first time we spoke in two months (since the email/ decision was made). As PPs said, it might take till after the baby is born for her to see things differently. I'm going to have to get in touch with her this week, I don't want to drag out these feeling for the next month and I still want to apologies to her again. I'm running out of steam on the "high road". I have a feeling I may never get an apology from her for actions and the stress she put me though, I just might have to suck this up and deal with it... :(

    Thank you Jenna, I think your post is exactly how I feel about the situation. Especially about me getting involved with his family and dealing with the situation for myself. I've been with my fiance for over six years, so there is not a doubt in my mind that his family isn't already my family, it's just not official yet. And it's not that he's to chicken to deal with it himself, in fact it's quite the opposite. His italian side is very quick to confront people and problems head on. I however think that there will always be unresolved issues if I don't speak for myself. 

    Thank you ladies for your advice and insight on my situation!
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