Moms and Maids
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Cutting costs for BMs - unconventionally

I think it's outrageous how much bridesmaids must spend to take part in a wedding. In addition to travel and dress costs, they're invited to all of the parties, so then end up buying the couple a gift for the shower, the wedding, and sometimes spending money at a bachelorette party. All of this adds up, and I think it's over-kill.

I feel really strongly about this. I've picked relatively inexpensive dresses for the wedding, and they can choose their own shoes and jewelry. I also want to let my BMs know that I would really prefer that they do not buy me gifts for the shower/wedding, etc. I thought about sending them thank-you cards for being in my party, and in the cards asking them not to get gifts. 

Thoughts? 

Re: Cutting costs for BMs - unconventionally

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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I love that you are concerned about the cost and expenses. Few brides do these days.

    I wouldn't ask them not to give you gifts because, well, this is probably something they want to do, anyway.
    Is there a way to cut costs for one of the other things you mentioned, like the bachlorette party?
    image
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would NEVER not get a wedding gift for somebody I was close enough to that I would agree to be a BM in their wedding.  (Unless she was a bridezilla and I regretted agreeing to be in the wedding.)  My best friend keeps saying that she doesn't want gifts for her wedding and it's really annoying me, because I WANT to get her a gift.

    If you want to cut their costs, you should do so by paying for something they would otherwise be paying for.  I chose to pay for all of the BM dresses.
    Married 10/2/10
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    edited December 2011
    While I think it is very thoughtful of you and trying to save your BM money, but on the other hand, they know full well when they accept to be a BM that it is going to be a considerable cost. I did the same thing with my girls, I chose inexpensive dresses, nothing designer, and then gave them each a pair of earrings for the dress as part of the BM along with something else more personal.

    And like pp said, they are probably going to still want to get you a gift, but maybe you could tell them it doesn't have to be much or a very expensive one. And that way they will get the point without you telling them to not get you something.
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    edited December 2011
    Bridesmaids are not under contract to attend every single pre-wedding event. Let them know they will be receiving courtesy invites to all the parties, but they should pick and choose which ones (if any) they want to attend.

    Some brides are so demanding. They expect their bms to throw parties for them, attend every event and help with the planning. I'm sure your friends will be happy to know that you are not that type.
                       
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Personally, I just told my girls to wear black and didn't end up having a shower or bachelorette party, because it was a destination wedding and I knew that they were already paying for airfare and hotel.  Some got me gifts, some didn't, but it was their choice. 

    Personally, I'd be put off by seeing "no gifts" on any sort of card or invitation.  I'd never dream of going to a wedding without some sort of gift, even if it weren't as large as I'd like due to budget.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to go against "proper" etiquette and pps, and say it's OK to let the BMs know that you don't expect gifts, elaborate expensive parties, and you have no expectations other than them showing up for your rehearsal and wedding, and sharing the moment with you. 

    I would bring this up when discussing budget for the dresses, and let them know you don't want to overload them with expenses.  After all, these are theoretically your closest friends, you should be able to tell them how you feel.  That them being in your wedding and sharing the experience with them is the best gift you could ever ask for. 

    Then if they want to buy you presents, or throw you parties, you will know it's because they truly want to, not because they feel you expect it, or feel pressured.
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    edited December 2011

    If you really want to somehow mention to them you don't expect gifts, I would just mention it casually sometime when you're talking to them and not write out a card for it. Just my opinion though.


    To help cute costs for my bridesmaids, we ended up just doing my bridal shower at my parents' house. They just cooked the food themselves so they didn't have to pay for everyone to eat out somewhere. It worked out well and felt more personal because of it.

    image
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You could say something to them if you really want, but I have never gone to a wedding event that I didn't bring a gift too.  Even when I've been a BM and spent tons of money on things, this was one of my good friends or family members who I wanted to give a gift to.  If they think they are spending too much, they will just spend less on a gift. 

    I agree with PPs that you shoud maybe try and cut their costs somewhere else.  I bought each of my girls a nice jewelry pouch that I had made for their gifts.  I also paid for their shoes (matching shoes -gasp! - It was their idea though since they are short black dresses, but super cute black pink and white heels), I bought them jewelery that they can choose to wear at the wedding if they want, and I got each of them a giftcard toward their hair and makeup. 

    Your BMs will most likely want to give you a gift, so cutting costs for them somewhere else is another nice way to let them know you appreciate them.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
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    edited December 2011
    I think it's okay to let them know face-to-face or over the phone, but not written down.  For some reason, if it were written, it would feel to me like an order and rather rude.  However, these girls are your closest friends.  When you're speaking to them about various parties that will be coming up, you can let them know casually that you're so thrilled they're going to be a part of your day, but that you really would rather they not go spending lots of money on multiple gifts.  Let them know that whatever they choose to get you or not get you is fine, but that you'd be absolutely thrilled with a thoughtful card.

    Then it's in their court.  If money is really tight, they won't feel bad about getting you something less expensive.


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    longman801longman801 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
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