Moms and Maids

Suffocating mom

My mom is being so insane!!! I mean, I could understand her being a little moody and teary because I'm an only child & I'm getting married, but she's taking this to a whole new level of crazy.

My cousin is getting married in May. She announced her wedding a week after we announced ours. It's been slightly irritating, because the family is all excited and happy for her, and they seem like they couldnt care less about ours. I'm over that though. But now, my mom keeps saying that my wedding should be just like hers. Her's is an outdoor, small town, backyard-type wedding. Extremely low budget, very low key, very small, etc. Mine, on the other hand is more formal, in a gorgeous location, big town, full catering, 2 photographer wedding. My mom keeps saying how mine needs to be more like my cousin's. It's simply not my style. I've told her this several times, that it's not what I want. I want the more formal kind. I want a caterer. I want a real cake. I want full photography coverage. It only happens once, and we will be able to afford it. Then, last night she said something that really made me angry: "The more formal and fancy your wedding is, the more likely it is for the marriage to fail." What?! Excuse me?! I told her to stop, and I got off the phone asap.

One minute, she'll be totally overbearing and want to do everything, the next she'll be ranting about my big plans, and then she'll be in tears wondering why I'm not involving her!

Oy vey. Just had to rant a little....Anyone else dealing with this kind of mom?

Re: Suffocating mom

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    DianneMoBDianneMoB member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmm, maybe she is worried or nervous about looking or feeling out of place at such a formal affair. Or perhaps she thinks her friends or relatives will think the wedding is too over-the-top or that you're "uppity." Or maybe you've talked about your wedding with others in the family and "people are talking."

    The bottom line is that if you and fiance are paying for the wedding, you get to decide everything. You could try once more to explain your "style" to her, then if she persists tell her (gently) how her criticism is making you feel and don't discuss any more details with her.

    One thing for sure - when you attend any family gatherings or wedding festivities for the cousin DO NOT discuss one thing about your wedding with anyone. Simply say, "We're coming along on our planning, but ____'s wedding is first," or "This is ___'s day, all the focus should be on her." In fact, it would be a good idea to only discuss your wedding with your fiance and attendants until your cousin's wedding has come and gone.

    I'm always amused at threads about family jealousy over whose wedding is first, whose is fancier, etc. But it isn't funny when it's hurting someone's feelings.
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, we all went to a bridal expo together (cousin, aunt, mom, me, my FI, cousin's FI, my moh, and my wedding planner) and it got pretty crazy. My mom & aunt kept telling the vendors that my cousin's wedding was more important and that her's was first and seemed to not even care that i was there. FI, me, MOH, and my Wedding Planner all ended up walking off & doing our own thing, which upset my mom, but she was getting really rude. Then afterward, when they were about to leave, mom went crazy again and said that I didn't like any of her ideas (not true) and that I'm "going crazy" with my wedding and it should be more low-key. MOH was right there, and after mom finally left, my MOH was like "wow, what's gotten into her? she needs to understand that it's your day. i've never seen her like this before."
    She's really overbearing.
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    edited December 2011
    Is the Aunt your Mom's sister?  That may be the biggest part of it.  That being said...

    The best advice I ever got here is what I'm going to share with you now.  You are not going to please everyone.  Quit trying.  Quit being mad or sad or confused about it.

    Don't talk about it with those involved in both celebrations.
      Be genuinely excited and enthusiastic about your cousins wedding.  DO NOT mention or compare hers to yours in ANY way shape of form...before, during, or after.  That's not fair.  She's entitled to feeling good about her day and people will talk ugly bout you if you do.  Be heard admiring things!!!  If anyone asks about yours, you smile sweetly and say that the plans are coming along and you are looking forward to being married to your best friend.

    Put up with your mother.  If she sweetly and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject or leave the room or hang up the phone.  If she suggests something say, "hmmmm that's interesting, we'll be sure to take that into consideration" and then change the subject, etc....   The trick is t NOT ENGAGE IN AN ARGUMENT OR DISCUSSION!!!   and yes I'm yelling.  People in that frame of mind are not interested in discussing, they are interested in winning.  it's POINTLESS.

    So, there you opinion and a strategy!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    onlymelsonlymels member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry not a usual on this board but all of FI's family thinks we are spending to much on our wedding... My mom trys to make things her way but we would be spending alot more if it was up to her.
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