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kevynraeWed228619

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trix1223

If they have been together for 8 years, they are a couple, and you need to invite him.  It sounds like the chances are good that he won't even come to your wedding.

He won't have to be sitting at your head table if you don't have a head table.  That concept is really dated, and you have a perfect out.  Have a sweetheart table, and let your WP sit elsewhere in the room. 

Honestly, if you let go of the head table thing, you'll be surprised at how little interaction you'll actually have with him.  Other than a quick "Thanks so much for coming", you don't have to spend any time with him.  You'll be pulled in so many directions that day, that you won't take much notice of him at all.

But it's very poor etiquette to exclude someone's very long term s/o because you don't like him.

garcias1

Ditto Trix.  You will be so busy on wedding day, you are probably not even going to notice him.  If he's going to be a douche at your wedding, then he's going to look like a douche.  The best you can do is to be the bigger person and invite him.

orangecrush32

You gotta invite him. They are a unit and have been for 8 years. You really won't be thinking about how much you hate him on your wedding day. Your mind will be focused on so many other things that you probably won't even remember the things he said.

And I agree with trix, toss the head table. It solves the interaction problem.

If you're not willing to sacrifice your SO at their eventual wedding, I don't know why you would make your friend do it.

palegirl146

It sounds like you have a really open and honest relationship with your bridesmaid.  Maybe you should just tell her exactly what you've told all of us.  If she's out of town, there's a good chance she will be coming alone because of cost.  Especially since she is a bridesmaid, she will have a lot of her time focused on you and wedding stuff (before and during the wedding).  I would just talk to her now and find out what her expectations are.  It's never good to assume anything.  I had a close friend who had a tight budget and had to choose between inviting less of her friends or inviting her friends but asking them not to bring their SOs.  When she asked if I could not bring my FI, I just laughed and told her he wasn't planning to come anyway (it was a Sunday wedding OOT and he had to work early the next morning).  So you might be stressing out a lot for a non-issue.  Be prepared to know how you will respond to whatever she says though.  If she really wants her BF there, are you ready to say okay or are you going to argue?  If she says he's not planning to come, ask her if she would rather you put his name on the invitation knowing that he will RSVP no.  (I imagine from your description of him that he could be a jerk about not being included on the invitation and then decide to show up just to prove he's a jerk.)  You have way too much to stress over than to worry about the etiquette of a invitation with one of your best friends.  I think a lot of the brides on these forums think that because they are following the rules, they have to make everyone miserable too, but do what makes you least stressed.  The point of inviting a SO is to be considerate of your guests, but if you talk about this issue with your GF then you ARE being considerate of her...but in a way that is also considerate of yourself!

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_issue-maids-significant-other-very-long-but-appreciate-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1ea0fda7-7085-4e76-92cf-cf4946eab20dPost:ff251c8e-b37e-4ed7-8c44-5ae59aba649c">Issue with a maids significant other (very long but appreciate input!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]So, one of my maids is actually the reason I met my fiance while we were in college, and though we are not very close anymore, mostly due to physical distance, I still consider her one of my best friends and am very excited she is able to participate in my wedding I could not imagine my day without her there. The guy she is dating, however, is an utterly horrible person. He is prejudice and nasty to others, and becomes very sullen and moody when events do not go his way. He has never treated my friend very well, however she knows how I feel about him, and that if she is happy with this guy, I will do my best to be happy for her. I have never been anything but nice to her BF(they have been dating for at least 8 years now), and have gone out of my way to make sure that he was included in group events and never felt left out. Just this last summer, however, my fiance and I were on vacation near where they live, and stopped by their house (after calling her to let her know where we were) for only an hour, tops, to say hi and catch us before going to a concert. I thought everything was fine, though her BF stayed in the living room watching sports the entire time and barely said hello to us when we walked in. We sat on the porch and visited and left thinking everything was fine. She confronted me and told me that her BF afterward told her flat out that she can never again let "that guy" (my fiance) in HIS house, and that he hated my fiance and never wants to be around him or in his prescence, much less have my fiance in HIS house. My GF tells me that she wrestled with this for a very long time and it created a lot of strife in her relationship, but ultimately she decided to stay with him. I have spoken with other members of our circle, and no one understands why this guy hates my fiance so much, they all love to spend time with him and do so often. Nearly every girl in our circle feels the same way about my friends BF, and the guys all agree that he is an ass and usually acts way out of line. Regardless, I have time and again told my friend I dont like him but will support her if she is truely happy with him. Now, after my GF confessed the whole story about her BF disliking my fiance and not wanting him in HIS house (amng other rude things), I am worried about my wedding. Before this confession I had just decided to be the bigger person and invite him, hoping that he simply would not come, being the miserable person that he is. Now, however, I cannot stand to think of him, much less to think of him sitting at the head table, at my wedding with my friend. I want to do the right thing and be the bigger person, and of course there is the large chance that if invited, he would not attend at all, but I flat out do not want him there. I do not want him there so much that I feel his being at my wedding, sitting at my head table with all of my closest friends, would really really hamper the day for both my fiance and I. Additionally, I cannot imagine attending my friends wedding (if and when it should happen) without my fiance, so I would hate to put her in the same situation but not inviting hher BF. She has gotten used to doing a lot by herself, without him, so I do not think she would feel as odd about it as I would/do, but I still want to be fair to her and want her to enjoy my wedding. What is the best way to handle this situation? I have told myself for months I would just suck it up and deal with him being there, but the more I think about it, the more it angers me that he could say the things he has said about me and my fiance and still possibly be at our wedding. Any advice is greatly appreciated, I want to approach this in the most mature way possible. Thank you SO much for everyone's help!
Posted by kevynraeWed228619[/QUOTE]

LoveMuffins

It definitely sounds like you could talk to your BM, as suggested, or you could even just invite him and hope he doesn't come. Since she's so open and honest with you, there's always the chance that she has that same relationship with him and might tell him that you don't want him there. That would be one thing I would think about before talking to her, whether or not you think she would keep such a conversation between the two of you.

Since you'll be getting the invites back well in advance of the wedding, if you really want a head table you can always make the final decision on it once you get the invites back, and decide that you'd rather not have a head table than be at the same table with him. However, if you really want the head table, also remember that (if it's seated traditionally) you're only going to really be able to talk to two people at it, your groom and your MOH. So even if you have the head table, you may not have to talk to him at all. And if you don't want to even be at the same table as him, you can have a sweetheart table, or divy up the bridal party between other tables while you and your groom sit at a table with your immediate families. There are lots of ways seating can be handled, and many of them will keep the jerk far, far away from you.

MairePoppy

I hate to say this because I wouldn't want to invite him, either. But, they are a social unit and you should address the wedding invitation to both of them. But...

Since your bm is the one who told you how her boyfriend feels about your fi, you should be honest with her. Tell her you feel uncomfortable around her bf and that you include him only for her sake. That way, she won't pressure him to attend your wedding.

Ditch the head table, mix your wedding party in with the other guests. Then you won't have to deal with him much at your wedding.

aerinpegadrak

You do realize that a "traditional" Last Supper style head table doesn't allow for interaction with anyone beyond the people sitting immediately next to you, right?  That's part of the reason they suck.  So even that is a crappy excuse for trying not to invite him.

joiner521

Make his ass a place to sit outside and just bring him a plate of food. Maybe he is jealous of your fiance because your finace is more of a man than he is.

trix1223

joiner:  what's your deal? 

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_issue-maids-significant-other-very-long-but-appreciate-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1ea0fda7-7085-4e76-92cf-cf4946eab20dPost:95a5effb-339b-4b8e-96e1-79e1bef65e9d">Re: Issue with a maids significant other (very long but appreciate input!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Make his ass a place to sit outside and just bring him a plate of food. Maybe he is jealous of your fiance because your finace is more of a man than he is.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
wtf?

ootmother2

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to be polite although it kills you.  This is one of those times.

He's her SO, like it or not.

I hate saying this though.

bablingbrooke

This is neither the time nor the place to make some statement about their relationship.  Invite him.  To not do so will strain your relationship with her, make you look petty, and make things worse rather than better.  DH's friend has a GF whom I cannot stand.  We still invited her.  I spoke with her for about 30 seconds.  No regrets.  

And ditto PPs--ditch the head table altogether (DH and I had a sweetheart table and the WP sat with their dates around the room) or realize that a head table doesn't allow you to speak with or look at anyone other than the person to your immediate left and immediate right.  You also get about 6 1/2 minutes to eat as the bride, so it's not like you're spending the whole wedding there.  You're going to get a lot of visitors, walk and talk to people, take about 10,000 pictures and dance.  Is the 30 seconds or so you'll be exposed to this guy REALLY worth hurting your friend?

ariver2011

 I would not invite him. If you don't want someone at your wedding then don't invite them, but you risk your friend also not attending.

tenofcups4me

I wouldn't invite him. I know the standard rule is that couples are social units and you need to invite both parts of a couple, and I think that does apply 99% of the time but not here. To me, common sense says I'm not going to invite someone to my wedding that hates me and my FH/DH so much that he wouldn't allow us to visit in his house ever again.

I'd invite the friend, let her know that you're sorry you can't invite her boyfriend but are not comfortable inviting someone who dislikes you both so much, and be prepared that she might or might not attend without him. Your friendship might or might not suffer because of it, but at this point, I don't know how much of a friendship you can really maintain anyway.

marinabreeze

Most of the time, I would say invite him due to etiquette and keeping the peace among all involved, but in this case, I would have to agree with tenofcups.  It's one thing for the OP not to like the SO of the BM, but I feel that for him to disallow OP's fiance in "HIS" house is pretty disrespectful, especially if there was not just cause for the SO to feel that way.  I would not invite someone who felt that way toward the man I am going to marry.  So I would still invite the BM but not her SO.  There is a good chance that the BM would decline going to the wedding, though, so OP should be aware of the risk she would be taking here.  But I think OP is very justified in not inviting him. 

kevynraeWed228619

Thank you everyone for all of the input! I think that next time I am able to see my GF I will discuss this whole situation with her. She was the one, after all, who confronted me about her BF disliking my fiance so much he would not allow my guy in "his" house. I think she will be open and understanding, and do not think there would be hurt feelings either way. I know that she has become accoustomed to doing many activites without him because he does have "issues" with so many things/people, so I dont think she would feel weird if he did not attend. I posted this simply because, while I know what ettiquete dictates and that I SHOULD invite him, I loathe the idea of having him there, and additionally my fiance and I are so close I would not want to be attending a friends wedding without him (though he is pretty happy-go-lucky and the only person I know that he hates is, now, my friends BF).

Also, the focus of my wedding is to have fun, for both my fiance and I and my guests, and to spend time with friends and family. We have discussed all our options, and we will not have a sweetheart table; I am throwing this party to celebrate with my nearest and dearest, not to sit alone with my guy. I know we will not be seated long and will be up and about most of the night, but we are both social butterflies and do not relish the idea of sitting by ourselves when all our friends are having fun. To us, that is what the honeymoon is for! My fiance and I are actually going to have one large head table for all of our wedding party AND their guests, so no one is separated from their SO's. Our party is largely comprised of family as it is, so they would likely all be seated together anyway.

It amazes me how negative posts can quickly become, and it kinda makes me sad that when people with legitimate questions who need help with sticky situations are assumed to have no idea what they are doing and deserve to be reprimanded for their thoughts. I was simply asking for advice here, no need to chastize me or tell me that my plans are totally wrong. I know what I SHOULD do (which is bite the bullet and invite him), but maybe you would prefer to set up a chair for him outside the tent if you actually knew this guy, regardless of how much you may or may not speak to him the duration of the night!

bablingbrooke

Yes, yes, we're so mean and your vision everything.  I'm sorry you feel that way.

ETA: If you think you're all alone at a sweetheart table, think again.  DH and I must have had 30 visitors during dinner alone.

kevynraeWed228619

RE: "It sounds like you have a really open and honest relationship with your bridesmaid.  Maybe you should just tell her exactly what you've told all of us.  If she's out of town, there's a good chance she will be coming alone because of cost.  Especially since she is a bridesmaid, she will have a lot of her time focused on you and wedding stuff (before and during the wedding).  I would just talk to her now and find out what her expectations are.  It's never good to assume anything.  I had a close friend who had a tight budget and had to choose between inviting less of her friends or inviting her friends but asking them not to bring their SOs.  When she asked if I could not bring my FI, I just laughed and told her he wasn't planning to come anyway (it was a Sunday wedding OOT and he had to work early the next morning).  So you might be stressing out a lot for a non-issue.  Be prepared to know how you will respond to whatever she says though.  If she really wants her BF there, are you ready to say okay or are you going to argue?  If she says he's not planning to come, ask her if she would rather you put his name on the invitation knowing that he will RSVP no.  (I imagine from your description of him that he could be a jerk about not being included on the invitation and then decide to show up just to prove he's a jerk.)  You have way too much to stress over than to worry about the etiquette of a invitation with one of your best friends.  I think a lot of the brides on these forums think that because they are following the rules, they have to make everyone miserable too, but do what makes you least stressed.  The point of inviting a SO is to be considerate of your guests, but if you talk about this issue with your GF then you ARE being considerate of her...but in a way that is also considerate of yourself! "

I agree, I think that she will be open to the conversation, she was the one who began the discussion with me about her man after that whole thing happened. Overall I think it is just a poor situation. I love her and want the best for her, and this guy holds her back, sadly. If she is truely happy with him, then I will do my best to be happy for her, however if you actually met this guy you would know how horrible he really is! Of course the conversation will be handled with more decorum, but I think that an honest heart to heart is the way to go.

kevynraeWed228619

Make his ass a place to sit outside and just bring him a plate of food. Maybe he is jealous of your fiance because your finace is more of a man than he is.
Posted by joiner521

I actually think this is pretty funny---obviously I would never do it, but it is where he deserves to be!

bablingbrooke

kevyn--quote the posts you're responding to, since they're all at the end and it's hard to tell which ones you're responding to.

kevynraeWed228619

Yes, yes, we're so mean and your vision everything.  I'm sorry you feel that way.

ETA: If you think you're all alone at a sweetheart table, think again.  DH and I must have had 30 visitors during dinner alone.


That is actually the negativity I was talking about. Everyone has different opinions, I didnt think it was very kind to be telling me that I should not have a "Last Supper" head table because it was outdated. My fiance and I are going out of our way to have a table large enough for our party and their guests, so no one is being separated, and the head table idea was not even the main issue in this post, however it happened to be what hearly everyone focused on. Personally, I think there are many many "outdated traditions out there, but everyone has different preferences. I personally think cupcakes and pick your own candy tables are cheesy and overdone, but I am not logging on telling everyone who is planning one that they shouldn't do so. If it is what they want, it is what will make them happy, then so be it. And this negativilty is not necessarily JUST from this post, but from every time I have tried to post something, someone else has lunged at me and told me how it is, or at least how they think it should be. It is kinda too bad because this should be a happy place for people to get advice without being practically attacked for their ideas.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_issue-maids-significant-other-very-long-but-appreciate-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1ea0fda7-7085-4e76-92cf-cf4946eab20dPost:cd16aee6-cf35-4cf9-bd44-302596acf844">Re: Issue with a maids significant other (very long but appreciate input!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, yes, we're so mean and your vision everything.  I'm sorry you feel that way. ETA: If you think you're all alone at a sweetheart table, think again.  DH and I must have had 30 visitors during dinner alone. That is actually the negativity I was talking about. Everyone has different opinions, I didnt think it was very kind to be telling me that I should not have a "Last Supper" head table because it was outdated. My fiance and I are going out of our way to have a table large enough for our party and their guests, so no one is being separated, and the head table idea was not even the main issue in this post, however it happened to be what hearly everyone focused on. Personally, I think there are many many "outdated traditions out there, but everyone has different preferences. I personally think cupcakes and pick your own candy tables are cheesy and overdone, but I am not logging on telling everyone who is planning one that they shouldn't do so. If it is what they want, it is what will make them happy, then so be it. And this negativilty is not necessarily JUST from this post, but from every time I have tried to post something, someone else has lunged at me and told me how it is, or at least how they think it should be. It is kinda too bad because this should be a happy place for people to get advice without being practically attacked for their ideas.
Posted by kevynraeWed228619[/QUOTE]
I never said it was outdated, it's something that will bring you a lot of peace at your wedding.  If everyone's always telling you how bad your ideas are, it may be because you have bad ideas.  Not everything is about what you want at your wedding--you have to take other peoples' needs and comfort into account, and a sweetheart table would do that in your case.

trix1223

kevynrae:  I'm honestly curious:  your head table:  is it the long banquet style table or is it a large round table?

Because if it's a long banquet style (as was the style 32 years ago when I was married), you can only tallk with two people anyway:  your groom on one side, and whoever sits next to you on the other. 

And so on for your whole WP.  If it is, in fact, the long rectangular type tables, that's actually not encouraging people to be talking and laughing.  At my wedding, I could speak to my DH and my BIL who was the BM who was sitting on my right.

I didn't actually get to speak to anyone else without getting out of my seat and going to them.

kevynraeWed228619

Actually, no one has told me my ideas were bad except for everyone on this post telling me to have a sweetheart table instead of a head table. I realize that maybe your post did not tell me the idea was outdated, but one of them somewhere along the line did. I have made every attempt during the wedding planning to take my guests and wedding party into consideration, to make sure that all of them will enjoy my wedding as much as possible. I rarely post here because I feel I do have a good sense of what my friends and family, and my fiance and I, want to do and see at our wedding. I posted this because it is a huge concern to me that my maid is happy and enjoys my wedding, however I know it bothers my fiance just as much, if not more, to think about her BF being there, and I wanted to be sure to handle the situation appropriately. Instead, it turned into a convo about my seating arrangements. My event planner and fiance have decided to have a large square table for our party to all sit at, and yes, maybe we will ony be able to talk to those sitting directly beside us, but that is how you feel at standard round tables as well once the music starts and everyone is bustling around. We are also having a stationed meal, to encourage everyone to be up and mingling. And yes, I know there are negatives to that to, but we weighed our options and spoke to many people before making this decision.

I think in general, not necessarily just with this thread, there is so much negativilty on these posts, and I would like to think that everyone who is on here is here to help others and to obtain useful advice. I hate reading a thread and seeing someone responding negatively, whether my own or someone else's.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_issue-maids-significant-other-very-long-but-appreciate-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1ea0fda7-7085-4e76-92cf-cf4946eab20dPost:59274f20-60cf-4c7e-a29a-d80a1f0e738d">Re: Issue with a maids significant other (very long but appreciate input!!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, no one has told me my ideas were bad except for everyone on this post telling me to have a sweetheart table instead of a head table. I realize that maybe your post did not tell me the idea was outdated, but one of them somewhere along the line did. I have made every attempt during the wedding planning to take my guests and wedding party into consideration, to make sure that all of them will enjoy my wedding as much as possible. I rarely post here because I feel I do have a good sense of what my friends and family, and my fiance and I, want to do and see at our wedding. I posted this because it is a huge concern to me that my maid is happy and enjoys my wedding, however I know it bothers my fiance just as much, if not more, to think about her BF being there, and I wanted to be sure to handle the situation appropriately. Instead, it turned into a convo about my seating arrangements. My event planner and fiance have decided to have a large square table for our party to all sit at, and yes, maybe we will ony be able to talk to those sitting directly beside us, but that is how you feel at standard round tables as well once the music starts and everyone is bustling around. We are also having a stationed meal, to encourage everyone to be up and mingling. And yes, I know there are negatives to that to, but we weighed our options and spoke to many people before making this decision. I think in general, not necessarily just with this thread, there is so much negativilty on these posts, and I would like to think that everyone who is on here is here to help others and to obtain useful advice. I hate reading a thread and seeing someone responding negatively, whether my own or someone else's.
Posted by kevynraeWed228619[/QUOTE]
Sometimes the best advice is what you don't want to hear.  Advice isn't validation.  To tell her to keep this guy at home is wrong.  The solution, if you really can't stand to be near him, is to not have them seated with you.  If you let go of a head table (which you will not have photos of in your wedding album because, well, no one wants photos of themselves eating) your problem will be solved with no one's feelings hurt.  But you seem to be holding onto it on the principle that "it's my wedding and I want to."  If that's your only reason for doing something that will hurt someone else (and this will hurt your friend, even if she doesn't say so to your face), I'm sorry but that's terribly immature.

kevynraeWed228619

"Sometimes the best advice is what you don't want to hear.  Advice isn't validation.  To tell her to keep this guy at home is wrong.  The solution, if you really can't stand to be near him, is to not have them seated with you.  If you let go of a head table (which you will not have photos of in your wedding album because, well, no one wants photos of themselves eating) your problem will be solved with no one's feelings hurt.  But you seem to be holding onto it on the principle that "it's my wedding and I want to."  If that's your only reason for doing something that will hurt someone else (and this will hurt your friend, even if she doesn't say so to your face), I'm sorry but that's terribly immature."


Having photos of the head table was never an issue either. AND FYI, since you are now, legitimately attacking me and calling me immature, then I will tell you right now I have spoken with nearly everyone in my wedding party AND my fiance and everyone is excited for and happy about the idea for the head table. In no way shape or form am I hold onto the "its my party Ill do what I want" idea, in reality if you read my last post I specifically mention how I am trying to take into account everyones enjoyment and happiness, not only my own. My fiance and I are more and more excited for our wedding every day, and nearly every single guest I have spoken with cannot wait for it because all of them know it will be an amazing party.

I simply do not agree with the idea of having a Sweetheart table. It is a matter of opinion, just like the cheesey Candy buffet table or having cupcakes instead of cakes, some people see innovation, others think it is overdone. Either way, it is a matter of opinion and not the intended subject of this post. My friends is the one who approached me for an honest open discussion about her BF and his feelings/declarations, and therefore I do not think that a discussion with her about his attendance at our wedding would be unrealiztic or disastorous. If our relationship is clearly mature enough to have that first conversation, I think we are mature enough to have this second one. And if she says "no, I want my BF there no matter what" then I will bite the bullet and invite him. I never said I wouldnt, I said I didnt want to. I posted this thread for advice, which I planned on taking AS advice because I already had an idea of how I was going to handle the situation. However if the advice I did not feel comfortable with the advice I received than in no way would I act upon it. Like having a sweetheart table.

bablingbrooke

I didn't call you immature.  I said (and I quote, though I'm bolding for emphasis) that:

If that's your only reason for doing something that will hurt someone else (and this will hurt your friend, even if she doesn't say so to your face), I'm sorry but that's terribly immature.

Saying an action would be immature is NOT the same as calling you immature.  Don't twist words.  Stop turning everything into an attack.  If you want a board where everyone will tell you what you want to hear, I recommend your local.  Otherwise, the internet isn't for you.

aerinpegadrak

Of course they're going to tell you that they're so excited and your idea is oh so perfect, especially if you react in real life the same way as you do here to being told that your idea might have some issues.  That's why these boards exist: to tell you what your friends and family are really thinking but would never say to your face.

There is a very simple solution to your problem that distances you from this guy without massive insult to your friend.  You just seem hell-bent on ignoring it, and that's just kind of sad.

kevynraeWed228619

Actually the simple solution is to discuss this with my friend, as mature adults, as she once came to me when the issue with her BF initially arose. Thank you for adding even more negativity to this post. It really is sad that this whole thing has become a place for people to lash out at others for their ideas.

My friends and family all know that I am open to ideas, and in actuality I have altered many of my initial ideas based on advice and suggestions from others. I am not set in my ways, but make all of my decisions and choises after doing lengthy and careful research. Again, as I have said multiple times already, everyone has different opinions of how things should be run, which is why every wedding is different and unique and what makes them so much fun. The fact that I am not caving on the idea of having a sweetheart table should not open me up to attack, and does not justify the nasty resposes posted here. I feel bad for anyone who does not have people in their life who will give them honest opinions, it was silly of me for thinking that instead of consulting a different close friend or family member, I could post here and receive honest solid advice, apparently.