I'm so torn...

kd137108

I'm 20 years old (as is my fiance) but I'll be graduating 2 quarters/semesters before him and have always planned to go straight into grad school so we're waiting until Summer 2013 to get married. I've only been engaged for one week and I already feel like my head my explode. My mom doesn't seem to be at all excited about my engagement and instead of giving me time to enjoy my engagement, she's hounding me about questions of how I'm going to pay for it, go to school, etc. They are reasonable questions but I want time to enjoy being engaged. Also, my mom's scared that his mom is going to convince me that the things i can afford aren't good enough. My sister got married a few years ago and her wedding cost about $5,000 for everything. But his mom is already attending bridal shows, buying planning binders, and making the groom's side list.

Long story short: How do I balance his mom's excitement and my mom's lack of it? Also, how can I convince my mom that I'm not my sister and do have grander plans for my wedding but know I can't have a platinum wedding?

I feel like I can't be excited because I have the polar opposites talking in my ear! AHHHHH!!!!!

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:1c8963fc-932f-4645-b9e6-d7db017487ab">I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 20 years old (as is my fiance) but I'll be graduating 2 quarters/semesters before him and have always planned to go straight into grad school so we're waiting until Summer 2013 to get married. I've only been engaged for one week and I already feel like my head my explode. My mom doesn't seem to be at all excited about my engagement and instead of giving me time to enjoy my engagement, she's hounding me about questions of how I'm going to pay for it, go to school, etc. They are reasonable questions but I want time to enjoy being engaged. Also, my mom's scared that his mom is going to convince me that the things i can afford aren't good enough. My sister got married a few years ago and her wedding cost about $5,000 for everything. But his mom is already attending bridal shows, buying planning binders, and making the groom's side list. Long story short: How do I balance his mom's excitement and my mom's lack of it? Also, how can I convince my mom that I'm not my sister and do have grander plans for my wedding but know I can't have a platinum wedding? I feel like I can't be excited because I have the polar opposites talking in my ear! AHHHHH!!!!!
Posted by kd137108[/QUOTE]

Your mom has some legitimate concerns and frankly you should have them also.   Having done undergrad, law school and two bar exams, I ask the following:

First of all, have you and your FI discussed grad school boundries and options?  Nobody goes to grad school where they did their undergrad work so there will probably be a move in your future.  Is he willing to do this?  Is he willing to carry most of the financial burden during this time?  Is he willing to take out student loans if you need them?  What if you have a long distance relationship?  Having been in one at one point with FI, I can tell you, these are not easy.  Have you and your FI sat down and talked about this or just said, "we'll figure it out"?  Have the two of you discussed that you will probably be MIA during a lot of your graduate studies (what are you studying anyway).

While it's fun to be engaged, you really have to plan for the marriage. 

kd137108

I'm a psychology major and I want to get at least my masters in school psychology. We have sat down and discussed everything. He knows I'm going to have to move and fortunately with him studying food science he can work almost anywhere. Unfortunately, I'm not applying for grad school until January/February so I can't give any definite answers. But we have discussed options and plans for each one. My mom and I are not really close because I've always been independent so she doesn't realize that we have discussed everything. I understand her concerns and I do have them as well but I believe everything will work out.

The most stressful thing is that I don't know how to get what I want without providing to my mom that I'm being influenced.

vicki0508

I agree with everything GLB said.  In addition - are you expecting either of your parents to help fund this grand wedding you envision?  If not, where are you going to be getting the money? 

I think it is unreasonable to expect a lot of excitement from your mom, because your wedding isn't for another two years.  I think FMIL will get burnt out rather quickly.  I couldn't even stay excited for my own wedding for two years.

I'm not quite understanding your time line.  Will you get married after you graduate, but before he does?  Or are you going to go to school for a year and then get married once he graduates?  What is his plan for after graduate?  Work?  School?

LHB2011

I would just give it time. With time, your mom will realize that you have thought this through (hopefully you have considered the questions PPs posed, because you will definitely have to deal with them).  And also with time your FMIL will realize that you aren't into planning yet and just enjoying the engagement, and she will turn her energies elsewhere.

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:043a51e7-76c5-43d0-9349-69df36f0c57f">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE] she doesn't realize that we have discussed everything. I understand her concerns and I do have them as well but I believe everything will work out.
Posted by kd137108[/QUOTE]

If you have thoroughly discussed the logistics of your engagement/getting married then just tell your mom. She probably just wants to make sure you've thought through how this is going to work. I know you don't mean it that way but saying things like "I hope it will al work out" will probably just make your mother more concerned because it kind of implies you haven't really thought abut how it will work.Obviously it can't be a definite plan because you don't know where you'll be, but you need to try to make a plan because some things aren't possible at all.

I actually have a lot of the same concerns as your mother about your MIL. I think it's lovely your MIL is so excited, but it's pretty easy for her to inadvertently set you up for dissapointment later.

I think it's not a good idea to look too much into specifics of what you want for your wedding until you have a working budget, which you probably can't make until you figure out where you'll be living for grad school.

It's so sad to me when a bride is dissapointed with parts of her wedding (that modest are totally acceptable) because she fell in love with a vendor before she had a concept of price and so because what she wanted is 10X over buget she's kind of dissapointed with anything she can afford.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:1c8963fc-932f-4645-b9e6-d7db017487ab">I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]But his mom is already attending bridal shows, buying planning binders, and making the groom's side list. Posted by kd137108[/QUOTE]

For this, your FI needs to tell his mother to knock it off because she's only causing stress and problems for you.  If she wants to keep looking, fine, but keep it to herself. 

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:043a51e7-76c5-43d0-9349-69df36f0c57f">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a psychology major and <strong>I want to get at least my masters in school psychology</strong>. We have sat down and discussed everything. He knows I'm going to have to move and fortunately with him studying food science he can work almost anywhere. Unfortunately, I'm not applying for grad school until January/February so I can't give any definite answers. But we have discussed options and plans for each one. My mom and I are not really close because I've always been independent so she doesn't realize that we have discussed everything. I understand her concerns and I do have them as well but I believe everything will work out. The most stressful thing is that I don't know how to get what I want without providing to my mom that I'm being influenced.
Posted by kd137108[/QUOTE]

Had you been planning on a doctorate?

kd137108

I do want to get my Ph.D. eventually but financially I don't think its in the cards as of right now. The school that I really want to go to it can take up to 8 years. I can't afford to be in school for 8 years, married or not. And to answer a few other questions people have posed:

1.) When I said grand I didn't mean Princess Di grand. My sister's wedding, while beautiful, isn't my ideal wedding. I know my limitations and what I can afford. I am by no means a glamorous, glitzy person.. my and my fiance's personalities and tastes are simple.

2.) As for who's financing my wedding. His mom has agreed to cover most of the cost (but she hasn't given up a budget yet). Fortunately, she has chair covers, vases, table clothes, and basic things like that because her step-daughter is getting married in April. I will be pay for what I can but I'm a student working part-time as a waitress so money on my end is tight. My mom didn't contribute financially for my sister's wedding so she only sees it fair to not help me.

3.) As for the time-line: I graduate in the spring of 2012 and, if I am accepting, will be going to graduate school. He will graduate winter of 2013. That's why this is a long engagement, so we can both finish up at least undergrad before getting married. He also wants to go to graduate school but that is still up in the air.

vicki0508

Just a heads up - if his mom is paying, she will get final say and probably control everything.  Seriously consider that before you accept any of her money.  You'll see a lot of posts around here, if the parents are paying it turns into their party, not yours, and then there isn't really anything you can do but complain about it to internet strangers.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:18072c82-6428-4e93-a4cc-094dac120552">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]I do want to get my Ph.D. eventually but financially I don't think its in the cards as of right now. The school that I really want to go to it can take up to 8 years. I can't afford to be in school for 8 years, married or not. And to answer a few other questions people have posed: 1.) When I said grand I didn't mean Princess Di grand. My sister's wedding, while beautiful, isn't my ideal wedding. I know my limitations and what I can afford. I am by no means a glamorous, glitzy person.. my and my fiance's personalities and tastes are simple. 2.) As for who's financing my wedding. His mom has agreed to cover most of the cost (but she hasn't given up a budget yet). Fortunately, she has chair covers, vases, table clothes, and basic things like that because her step-daughter is getting married in April. I will be pay for what I can but I'm a student working part-time as a waitress so money on my end is tight. My mom didn't contribute financially for my sister's wedding so she only sees it fair to not help me. 3.) As for the time-line: I graduate in the spring of 2012 and, if I am accepting, will be going to graduate school. He will graduate winter of 2013. That's why this is a long engagement, so we can both finish up at least undergrad before getting married. He also wants to go to graduate school but that is still up in the air.
Posted by kd137108[/QUOTE]

It can take 8 years anywhere.  My BFF finally defended his doctoral thesis at ASU after 12 years of work.  In that time he got married and thankfully his wife has a great job - it was still incredibly rough on them both.  Money was not even an issue.

One more thing no one has brought up yet - and you probably don't want to hear it or think it will never happen to you - is that grad school changes who you are.   After only one year of law school, I was a completely different person.  The vast majority of people I went to school with were not with the same person they were dating or married to at the beginning.  It takes a huge toll on relationships because the person in school has to be completely selfish and put their studies before everything.  (BFF lost more girlfriends than I could count until he met his wife towards the end)

FI and I met during my second year of law school and thought everything was great because he was working in NYC during the week and then coming home to Cleveland on weekends.  That gave me the entire week to study and on weekends if I needed more time, he got a guys night out.  We wound up breaking up and if we'd married, we would have divorced.  We were extremely lucky enough to find our way back to eachother about five years later.  Even then, it took a couple of years of just being friends before we could give our relationship another try.

If there were one piece of advice I would give you it is this:  Have an even longer engagement and don't get married until you have gone as far in school as you want to go.  True love will last.

lindenheart

I have to agree with GLB. Grad school does change you. It's tough and you have to immerse yourself in your studies. I would not have been able to maintain a relationship during this time. In fact, my relationships with my closest BFFs suffered greatly during this time because even they didn't entirely understand what I was going through. I would advise for a longer engagement. It will give you guys a chance to grow closer together or realize you are growing apart.

Zippy88k

Just to offer the other side: grad school doesn't have to kill your relationship. if you're really pro-active, you can figure out your FI time. Yes, your FI needs to be understanding of the differences between undergrad and grad. But it's definitely doable for you to fall in love and stay together post grad school.

sarah42nd

This is something your going to learn super quick .is the wedding is important to YOU and not everyone else. You have 2 years until your wedding and have NO details set.  So it might even be later then that. I think your mom may get more excited when you actually start planning .  Also I have been to weddings that cost $2000 ( like my own in  a few weeks) to $ 10000 and honestly most of them 'looked ' the same except we did most of the 'work ' ourselves/family.  Now going on to your MIL you guys need to reel her back in and set her straight nicely. Just remember this is laying the foundation to your relkationship with her in the future and you dont want her to  over take your life. Imagine when you have children and MIL wants to 'take over' . You have to est. your relationship and your boundries now and it will help you in the future. Good Luck and happy planning

sarah42nd

I also agree with the PPs who said that ypu need to read the post on her about other people  paying for there weddings. It usually turns out bad.

hlq2011

PPs have a lot of it covered but I think the best thing you can do is to sit down with your mom and talk things out.  Tell her what you told us: that you guys have discussed your future plans, and tell her in as much detail as you feel comfortable sharing, just what you've discussed.  She can't know that you're behaving responsibly if you don't tell her.

And your FI needs to ask his mother, kindly, to take a few steps back.  If you're only getting married in 2013, there's absolutely no reason to do planning now.  Prices will change; vendors will come and go.  A lot of things will be different.  You may want to plan your wedding where you're living then, rather than where you're living now.  But that's a conversation for your FI to have with his mom, not for you to have with her.

jessicabessica

GLB, I feel like we have similar stories (undergrad, law school, two bar exams)!  I met by FI after first year of law school, and we were long distance throughout law school.  While that was really difficult, I also did like having time that I could just work and get projects done.  I would try to take off weekends that I saw him, so it was a great incentive to be productive during the week. 

However, it wasn't my experience that people in relationships when law school started broke up with their sig others.  While that certainly happened (my first roommate had graduated college a year early, her BF was still in college in another city, and they broke up within the first semester), I think that couples that made a conscious effort to keep it together made it.  Your partner will see you frustrated, angry, and really stressed because of grad school--but it's important to be able to weather the less pleasant times with each other (and if you have done this already with your FI, might be something to bring up with your mom to persuade her that you have thought it through and are taking everything seriously).  You also have to realize and be ok with the fact that you may have a different grad school experience socially if you are married or otherwise seriously coupled. 

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:607b09cf-e6bd-46b1-beb7-95b3942d341d">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]GLB, I feel like we have similar stories (undergrad, law school, two bar exams)!  I met by FI after first year of law school, and we were long distance throughout law school.  While that was really difficult, I also did like having time that I could just work and get projects done.  I would try to take off weekends that I saw him, so it was a great incentive to be productive during the week.  However, it wasn't my experience that people in relationships when law school started broke up with their sig others.  While that certainly happened (my first roommate had graduated college a year early, her BF was still in college in another city, and they broke up within the first semester), I think that couples that made a conscious effort to keep it together made it.  Your partner will see you frustrated, angry, and really stressed because of grad school--but it's important to be able to weather the less pleasant times with each other (and if you have done this already with your FI, might be something to bring up with your mom to persuade her that you have thought it through and are taking everything seriously).  You also have to realize and be ok with the fact that you may have a different grad school experience socially if you are married or otherwise seriously coupled. 
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

We hade couples stay together but they were all students who had taken a few years between undergrad and law school and (with the exception of one) had been married for at least five years already.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:0941c7a7-8fd7-4158-9a31-afd80b47f1ba">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm so torn... : We hade couples stay together but they were all students who had taken a few years between undergrad and law school and (with the exception of one) had been married for at least five years already.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Time off between undergrad/law school is a whole new can of worms. 

vicki0508

FI and I stayed together while I was in law school.  But, I think it was because we had only been together for a few months before I left for school.  So I was able to change and be who I needed to be, and it wasn't a huge turnaround for FI, because we didn't know each other too well to start with.  Does that make sense?  Also, we have been long distance the entire time, so I get all of my work done during the week, and then I have free time when we get together on the weekends

aerinpegadrak

What do you have to lose by waiting until you're both completely done with school to get married?  (Aside from having your FMIL plan the wedding four or five times over, which you can pretty much just ignore.)  Honestly, you're setting yourself up for a lot of difficulties by trying to do this too early that can easily be avoided if you decide to wait.  If it's meant to be forever, it doesn't matter if you do the paperwork in two years or twenty.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:b9c48a31-399c-4ac3-b0b5-da672a142df8">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]What do you have to lose by waiting until you're both completely done with school to get married?  (Aside from having your FMIL plan the wedding four or five times over, which you can pretty much just ignore.)  Honestly, you're setting yourself up for a lot of difficulties by trying to do this too early that can easily be avoided if you decide to wait.  If it's meant to be forever, it doesn't matter if you do the paperwork in two years or twenty.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

You (OP) aren't planning to get married until summer 2013, over 2 years from now.  I would just be happy about your engagement, and take as long as you need to figure things out, since that you are already giving yourself a good long time, and if it turns out that summer 2013 will work out, you can get married then, but if it turns out you need more time to save money or get yourselves in the right place, that's fine, too. 

whirlybird27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f03b34f-78f0-4576-a902-da65197c2e6ePost:052c5228-6928-42e4-9feb-18747e251478">Re: I'm so torn...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm so torn... : It can take 8 years anywhere.  My BFF finally defended his doctoral thesis at ASU after 12 years of work.  In that time he got married and thankfully his wife has a great job - it was still incredibly rough on them both.  Money was not even an issue. One more thing no one has brought up yet - and you probably don't want to hear it or think it will never happen to you - <strong>is that grad school changes who you are.</strong>   After only one year of law school, I was a completely different person.  The vast majority of people I went to school with were not with the same person they were dating or married to at the beginning.  It takes a huge toll on relationships because<strong> the person in school has to be completely selfish and put their studies before everything.</strong>  (BFF lost more girlfriends than I could count until he met his wife towards the end) FI and I met during my second year of law school and thought everything was great because he was working in NYC during the week and then coming home to Cleveland on weekends.  That gave me the entire week to study and on weekends if I needed more time, he got a guys night out.  We wound up breaking up and if we'd married, we would have divorced.  We were extremely lucky enough to find our way back to eachother about five years later.  Even then, it took a couple of years of just being friends before we could give our relationship another try. If there were one piece of advice I would give you it is this:  Have an even longer engagement and don't get married until you have gone as far in school as you want to go.  True love will last.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>This. </div><div>
</div>

graysquirrel

If you have 2 years to go, my advice would be to cool it with the plans for now and to just enjoy your engagement like you mentioned. Buying things this far out doesn't make a lick of sense because most brides change their minds quite a bit-- especially if you have to wait for 2 years. I would tell your FMIL that you want to wait to make those plans till the time gets closer and that you hope she understands.