Bridesmaids pay for own plate??!!

LaurenPhila

Has anyone heard of this? Bridesmaids paying for their own plate?

My best friend is recently engaged and she's been saying the strangest things when it comes to money.

She was showing us her registry when I jokingly said "This stuff is expensive! I'm gonna get you these $9 salad tongs". She threw a fit about how I'd better get her something good (read: pricey) from her registry. I figure I can afford about a $50-$75 gift, but not something in the $200-$300 range like most things on her registry. She knows I'm a student and hate asking my parents for money (she's a student too). I told her how we (the other bridesmaids and I) are paying for our dresses and travel expenses, and she can't expect a pricey gift from us too. Then she said the most absurd thing I've ever heard: "Bridesmaids are supposed to pay for their own plate too". I gave up arguing with her after that.

I know I have to pay for my dress, shoes, undergarments, etc. Plus I have to find some way to pay for a flight to Dallas and hotel room for 2-3 nights. And I'm not sure what the etiquette is on hair and makeup, but I'll probably end up having to pay for that too. On top of all that is gifts for the wedding, shower, and bachelorette parties.  But pay for my own food at the reception? I've never heard of that.

Sorry I'm ranting, but I was so ticked off that I wanted someone to agree with me!

stina93446

I didn't read your whole post, but it's seriously RUDE if a bride invites someone over for a party/wedding and makes her guests (yes bm is a guest) and has them pay for it. Bride might as well charge at the door.

stina93446

Also, if she can't afford to feed people, she either needs to scale back the whole affair or she needs to cut down the guest list to accomodate her other guests. I can't believe that she wants you guys to pay for all your bm attire, plus get you a bridal girl, and on top of that pay for your food....this girl has some gall.

LaurenPhila

From what I've heard, it's standard to pay for my own attire, and I'm ok with that. She is my best friend and I don't want to argue with her, because when we do fight it's bad, so I want to keep this as smooth as possible!

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-pay-own-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1fc537a5-438c-4504-b8be-ea1721aa9ca4Post:36025495-3f41-4a17-89a6-3b6ea9cc6ee1">Re: Bridesmaids pay for own plate??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]From what I've heard, it's standard to pay for my own attire, and I'm ok with that. She is my best friend and I don't want to argue with her, because when we do fight it's bad, so I want to keep this as smooth as possible!
Posted by LaurenPhila[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, it IS standard to pay for your attire. But it's NOT standard to charge your bms aka your best friends for their plate. Where did she hear about this?!</div>

lalap69

It sounds like your friend has caught a serious case of bridezilla-itis.  I'd be running for the hills.

Maybe for your present, you could buy her an etiquette book.

LaurenPhila

I have no idea where she heard this from. I just wanted to post to see if anyone else had heard of this, so I had something to back me up when I talk to her.

stina93446

Also, why are you afraid to talk about this with her? It might NOT cause a fight. And if it does, she's just a big baby. Someone gave her misinformation. Either she really doesn't know, or she's in denial and hoping she can get her guests to take some of the costs off her own shoulders, which is SUPER RUDE...OMG I can't even believe she said that to you....

stina93446

Sorry, just read your new post....definitely talk to her, and back it up with some etiquette. GL

MairePoppy

Never, ever! Your friend is being absurd on many counts. The bms are guests and do not pay for their own food.

The bride should not be telling you how much to spend on her gift. She probably doesn't have an etiquette book on her registry, but that's what I suggest you give her. Look for something from Miss Manners or Emily Post. Give it to her asap and tell her it's an early wedding gift.

And good luck. It sounds like you're going to need it.

deepcovejackie

Wow, she's a peach.  Send her here, and we'll talk some sense in to her.

AutumnFair

Oh man, talk about entitlement. Please send her to theknot so we may show her how ridiculous she is being. Also please do NOT be afraid of standing up to her when it comes to expenses like the dress. She needs to ASK each individual BM what their budget is for a dress. I would almost recommend you bowing out of as a BM because it sounds like this girl is expecting WAY too much for her BMs and she's going to lose a lot of friendships if she doesn't drop the selfish attitude. 

trix1223

I'd be giving some serious thought to declining the "honor" of being in this wedding.  I know someone who was recently in a wedding for a bride like this, and from start to finish it was a miserable experience.  By the time it was over, all but one of the members of the WP wished that they had just dropped out. 

HappinessByTheKilowatt

Now I have heard everything.

aerinpegadrak

I'd be running for the damn hills if I were in your shoes.

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-pay-own-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1fc537a5-438c-4504-b8be-ea1721aa9ca4Post:e8c11e1b-601b-41a1-a956-efd8f5657e41">Re: Bridesmaids pay for own plate??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'd be giving some serious thought to declining the "honor" of being in this wedding. </strong> I know someone who was recently in a wedding for a bride like this, and from start to finish it was a miserable experience.  By the time it was over, all but one of the members of the WP wished that they had just dropped out. 
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
Ditto.

jerseydevil

If she seriously expects you to pay for your own plate and it causes a huge fight, I would definitely decline being a bridesmaid.

lauraf1202

Is it possible that she is of the school of thought that believes "If my wedding costs x amount per guest, then each guest owes me a gift that costs AT LEAST x amount." 

I'm definitely not condoning that mentality, but it makes a little more sense than a bride actually charging her bridesmaids for their dinner.   

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaids-pay-own-plate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1fc537a5-438c-4504-b8be-ea1721aa9ca4Post:77f55be8-5c9d-4e9e-83fe-9d2452493bd6">Re: Bridesmaids pay for own plate??!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be running for the damn hills if I were in your shoes.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Yeah.  BMs are still guests at the wedding.

LoveMuffins

I would say run while you still can. She's gone crazy... where on earth did she hear this stuff? First of all, she doesn't get to choose how much you spend on her present. That's IF you get her a present, as a gift is not a requirement for anyone attending the wedding.

She also has to pay for everyone's plates.  And she'd better ask you and the other BMs your budget for dresses, because while you do pay for your own, she has to make sure that everyone can afford it... and it sounds like you're paying for a lot already.

Normally I don't like etiiquette books as presents, but maybe you could get her one for an engagement present! She sounds like she needs it.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Are you sure she wasn't joking around or just trying to rile your feathers? Maybe she meant that people should give a gift of equivalent cost to the cost for hosting them, but is her wedding really $200 a plate? I don't agree with that mentality anyway. 

Kristin789

"Pay for your plate" means that you give a gift equal in value to the cost per plate of the wedding reception.

It does not mean that you get a gift PLUS give the bride CASH for the cost per plate of the wedding reception.

The website explains the use of the phrase "pay for your plate":

"And just ignore that old "pay for your plate" rule -- it's more appropriate to choose a wedding gift that reflects the closeness of your relationship to the couple than the cost of your reception meal."

from:
http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/attending-wedding/articles/worst-things-to-say-to-a-bride-and-groom.aspx


And traditionally, the MOH and the BMs thrown the bride a shower - and that's their gift to the bride.  This idea of having the MOH and BMs throw a shower AND get big gifts for the bride is a relatively NEW development.

stina93446

Even if "pay for your plate" means to bring a gift the cost of your actual plate, it's still not her place to assume or demand this.

banana468

I think a "come to Jesus" talk may be in order if she's believing this.

kristend72

She's clearly caught a case of the wedding fever and is delirious. Ask her why she would make the people most important to her (ideally, her bridal party) feel like last-class guests. Or even something behind vendors because you feed them.

You need to take her out for hot beverages (they've done studies - cozy beverages make people feel nicer and regard the person they're talking to better - mix in some booze if you think that will help, too). Then, you give her a crap sandwich (a technical term). You say nice things, get to the ugly meat of the matter, and then finish it up with nice things. Tell her how much your friendship means, how excited you are for her future, and how much you like her fiance. Tell her you're excited for their wedding day.

But then start asking her what she thinks are the most important things about her wedding - what she and her fiance want it to say about them as a couple. If she isn't steering it the right way, start telling her that the most important thing people will take away from her wedding (and her life) is how she made them feel. People care much less about having lobster at the finest venue in town than they do about kindness. I'd much rather go to a punch, nut cups, and streamers affair in a church gym where the emphasis has been placed on love than the aforementioned fancy deal and to find out that she treated her best friends like crap. The wedding is one day whereas if she loses friends over it, that can be forever.

Finish up by telling her that you wanted to talk to her about this stuff because she is a good friend and you don't want something silly like a wedding and money to come between you two (and the issue here is not respecting your feelings and finances) or her other bridesmaids.

ArtsyFartsy416

This is just absurd!

RebeccaB88

*headdesk*

GJMLucky

While many may secretly hope that guests "pay for their plate", in no ways shape or form should those words EVER be mentioned!  

megarbarino

I agree with GJMLucky.  One does not invite people to their wedding hoping they will give you a give equal to what it costs per person.  You can hope, but for many people today they cannot afford it.  With the case of bridal party - it is very expensive just to be in the wedding.  Throw in travel expense and bridal shower gifts.  Seems like your friend (the bride) needs you to talk to her kindly about it. 

gailpete

That is ridiculous!!

And to save you having to ask later, if she expects you to have your hair and makeup done professionally, she gets to pay for it.  If it is optional on your part, then you pay for it, or do it your self.

Good Luck, you're going to need it.

kimp67

You need to send her over here (to TK) PRONTO!!