Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...

JustEbbie

I'm venting and seeking out advice from other brides-to-be about this:

A friend of mine and I have been friends for over a decade now.She lives a few states away. We've been through so much together that we are more like sisters than just friends. So, when I told her that I was getting married and asked her to be a bridesmaid I was shocked by her reaction. Instead of being happy for me she gave me some excuse about March 3rd being her daughter's birthday and liking the idea of me getting married on march 31st better.

Several thoughts went through my head but the two main thoughts were (1) I'm the bride so whatever date I pick is the date it'll be and (2) while I would never ask her to put her children before me, I'm only getting married once while her daughter will have other birthdays (not to mention that there is no crime against celebrating your child's birthday the weekend before their actual birthday).

I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem unreasonable but I just thought that we were better than that.

I told her that my bf was set on March 3rd and told her that I hoped she understood that I would never ask to be put before her children but this is my wedding day and her being there would mean so much to me and since I'm giving advance notice I hope that she could maybe plan something in advance so that she could be in my wedding. She didn't respond. I sent her a message later on asking if she had received my messages and she responded by answering some other questions I had asked but avoiding my wedding question altogether.

I was so hurt. I haven't discussed my relationship with my bf or my wedding plans with her since. Now, I'm not even sure that I want her at my wedding and I dont' know how I feel about our friendship anymore, either.

Let me clarify, its not that she seems to be declining my invitation to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. It is the way that she is declining. If we're as close as she says we are then she should be able to say she isn't able to do so and not give me the kinds of excuses you give to people who you aren't so close to. I would be fine with her just saying no. I'm not fine with her blwoing me off and pretending like she didn't hear me in the first place.

What would you do? How would you feel?

Sorry this is so long. i'm still new to this website.

banana468

I think you need to talk to her face to face. "friend, did I do something that upset you? I keep feeling like you're avoiding me and I'd hate for something to affect our friendship. Do you want to talk about it?"

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:5e0ea09b-405e-4e48-8c58-e73bf88f751e">Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm venting and seeking out advice from other brides-to-be about this: A friend of mine and I have been friends for over a decade now.She lives a few states away. We've been through so much together that we are more like sisters than just friends. So, when I told her that I was getting married and asked her to be a bridesmaid I was shocked by her reaction. Instead of being happy for me she gave me some excuse about March 3rd being her daughter's birthday and liking the idea of me getting married on march 31st better. Several thoughts went through my head but the two main thoughts were (1) I'm the bride so whatever date I pick is the date it'll be and (2) while I would never ask her to put her children before me, I'm only getting married once while her daughter will have other birthdays (not to mention that there is no crime against celebrating your child's birthday the weekend before their actual birthday). I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem unreasonable but I just thought that we were better than that. I told her that my bf was set on March 3rd and told her that I hoped she understood that I would never ask to be put before her children but this is my wedding day and her being there would mean so much to me and since I'm giving advance notice I hope that she could maybe plan something in advance so that she could be in my wedding. She didn't respond. I sent her a message later on asking if she had received my messages and she responded by answering some other questions I had asked but avoiding my wedding question altogether. I was so hurt. I haven't discussed my relationship with my bf or my wedding plans with her since. Now, I'm not even sure that I want her at my wedding and I dont' know how I feel about our friendship anymore, either. Let me clarify, its not that she seems to be declining my invitation to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. It is the way that she is declining. If we're as close as she says we are then she should be able to say she isn't able to do so and not give me the kinds of excuses you give to people who you aren't so close to. I would be fine with her just saying no. I'm not fine with her blwoing me off and pretending like she didn't hear me in the first place. What would you do? How would you feel? Sorry this is so long. i'm still new to this website.
Posted by JustEbbie[/QUOTE]
<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">If you two really are great friends then you two should be able to talk about this face to face.  You do have to understand that some people will take offense to wanting you to change their child's birthday party because they may actually want it on the day they were born (<-- that can't be changed).  </div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">Your friend did give you an honest answer when you first asked her so I think that you guys should talk about that.  This shouldn't be something that ruins a friendship.  If your friend is unwilling to change her child's birthday party date then you will just have to accept that.  If you don't then you are expecting her to put you before her child.</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">
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jerseydevil

I understand that there are a lot of factors that go into picking your date out and if March 3rd is truly the best date for both yours and FI's family, then stick to your guns on it. I am assuming you knew when her daughter's birthday is when you picked the date bc you two are so close? If it was me, I would have started by acknowledging to her that you know it's her daughter's bday. Maybe she felt slighted by the fact that the date fell that way, if you didn't bring up the bday when you talked to her?

Regardless, I do agree with previous posters that the best next step would be to arrange a face-to-face meeting with her to talk things out. Hope everything works out for you!

MairePoppy

You can't be expected to plan your wedding around everyones' birthdays. I also agree with you that your friend could celebrate her child's birthday on a different day. But this is not my decision or your's. You get to decide your wedding date and your friend gets to decide if she will attend or not.
Let her have some time to put things in perspective. Keep in touch with her. Unless it's her child's first birthday, she will probably figure out a way to be there for you.

vicki0508

I don't think your friend is jealous.

If she does ultimately decline to be a BM, and even if she isn't sure she can make it to the wedding, you should still invite her.  Don't hold it against her if she chooses her daughter's birthday over your wedding.  Of course she would love to be at your wedding, but it's not worth ruining your friendship over if she can't make it.

deepcovejackie

I agree exactly with what Jagore said.

bablingbrooke

I don't get where "she's just jealous" of me comes in, and I would argue it's wrong to ever assume that because, well, most people aren't going to be jealous of you.  I'm going to also ditto Jagore's advice.

trix1223

An invitation to a wedding, and an invitation to be a member of a WP are just that: invitations.  They are not subpoenas.

You plan your wedding for the date that you and your FI choose.  You extend the invitation to your friend to A) be in the WP and attend the wedding.

She accepts or declines the invitation(s).  It's really that simple.

And I think you're being terribly presumptuous to assume that this has anything to do with her being "jealous" of you.  What exactly do you think she's "jealous" of?

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:34fdad83-8197-4d15-a203-3d13fac9a440">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]An invitation to a wedding, and an invitation to be a member of a WP are just that: invitations.  They are not subpoenas. You plan your wedding for the date that you and your FI choose.  You extend the invitation to your friend to A) be in the WP and B) attend the wedding. She accepts or declines the invitation(s).  It's really that simple. And I think you're being terribly presumptuous to assume that this has anything to do with her being "jealous" of you.  What exactly do you think she's "jealous" of?
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Sign my name to this too. 

You're putting your friend on the defensive as to why she's probaby going to choose her kid over your wedding.  Have your wedding on your date, but accept that that might mean that some people you really want there, won't be there.  You can't please everyone.  Every date will be bad for someone.  You are the only one who can decide what's most important to YOU.

slave4dance

while my situation is slightly different because it does not involve a friends child's birthday it involves my friend's birthday. out of the 2 dates available for our wedding day at the venue we chose 1 date was the day before my FI's birthday and the other date before my father and friend's birthday. my FI was adamant about not wanting to getmarried the day before his birthday, my father didn't mind and we didnt ask my friend if it was "okay" to have our wedding the day before. we understand she will be upset and may choose not to come but that is something we've accepted and really didn't put much thought into. i'd say blow off the steam and reconnect with your friend in an un-wedding related way. like other PP's say, your friendship isnt worth losing over a wedding date

lalap69

I don't see any indication that she's jealous.  I see many indications, however, that despite what you say, you do expect your wedding to come before her child.

If it's really important that you have your friend there, then consider changing your date picked.  It doesn't sound like you have anything booked yet.  If you're set on that date, that's fine, but remember that your choices have consequences.

Also, why are you referring to your BF?  You are engaged, aren't you?

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:4f300fd1-0902-4ce3-8d23-b5811ed16fff">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help... : If you two really are great friends then you two should be able to talk about this face to face.  You do have to understand that some people will take offense to wanting you to change their child's birthday party because they may actually want it on the day they were born (<-- that can't be changed).   Your friend did give you an honest answer when you first asked her so I think that you guys should talk about that.  This shouldn't be something that ruins a friendship.  If your friend is unwilling to change her child's birthday party date then you will just have to accept that.  If you don't then you are expecting her to put you before her child.
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]
---------------------------------

I understand your view. However, what I was upset about was the fact that she said she'd rather me get married on March 31st instead of March 3rd as though she was involved in the choice. All she had to do was decline and cite her daughter's birthday as the reason not tell me what day she'd rather I get married. That's what bothered me. And she never gave me a straight answer. She just said what day worked best for her. And she has yet to actually say no. She's just been avoiding the question altogether. So, I decided not to bring it up again.
I'm not asking her to put me before her child. No her child's birthday can't be changed but I am only getting married once and a birthday party can be scheduled a few days before my wedding. Again, if my wedding being on the same day as her child's birthday was a deal breaker, even though I gave her over a year's notice, I would have respected it more if she had just said no instead of telling me what day worked better for her. That is the real issue.

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:97e2c186-2ded-4fe7-b10d-d14046e666dc">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that there are a lot of factors that go into picking your date out and if March 3rd is truly the best date for both yours and FI's family, then stick to your guns on it. I am assuming you knew when her daughter's birthday is when you picked the date bc you two are so close? If it was me, I would have started by acknowledging to her that you know it's her daughter's bday. Maybe she felt slighted by the fact that the date fell that way, if you didn't bring up the bday when you talked to her? Regardless, I do agree with previous posters that the best next step would be to arrange a face-to-face meeting with her to talk things out. Hope everything works out for you!
Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

I can understand that. And if she felt slighted I could understand that too. But, I thought we were better than that and if she felt that way she could have told me. We can't talk face to face because she's in another state. I love her dearly but if she doesn't want to be in my wedding I can't force her. Like I said, I was more hurt by the fact that she never actually declined but told me what day would work best for her instead of just saying she couldn't make it because of her daughter's birthday. I think I'm really more frustrated at the fact that she tends to make things about her and this is my wedding and she's managed to make that about her too (or at least she tried).

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:fdd10df9-6926-4e89-871a-ed4aee8c59f2">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]I've read the entire post and can't see anything your friend has to be "jealous" about, so I'm unsure why you think this is a factor. You've put her in a difficult position. She has to choose her child (who isn't going to understand that her birthday should be "your day" this year) or her good friend. If she isn't talking to you, take a step back and look at the expectations you are placing on her. The fact that other people may have other commitments on your wedding day is something you have to understand. She is not being a bad friend if her family comes first.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I understand. However, as I stated before, when I told her about this I was upset by the fact that she told me what day worked best for her instead of just declining and citing that day being her daughter's birthday as the reason. I would have understood that. I still understand that. I didn't say she was a bad friend. But I am saddened by how she's acting. Ever since I told her I was getting married she's been distant and that's why I think she's jealous. I can understand that, too. And its not that she's not talking to me, she's avoiding me. I know her very well. She doesn't want me to ask her again so she's avoiding me. I haven't said much either because I don't want to have a conversation with her that is uneasy. I'm no longer upset about it. Its not the end of the world ... my wedding will go on. But if she doesn't want to be in it, I can't force her. But I just thought that we were better than this ... we should have been able to talk this out instead of her avoiding me.

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:47339f69-c28a-4383-9198-f7c617be5aef">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think your friend is jealous. If she does ultimately decline to be a BM, and even if she isn't sure she can make it to the wedding, you should still invite her.  Don't hold it against her if she chooses her daughter's birthday over your wedding.  Of course she would love to be at your wedding, but it's not worth ruining your friendship over if she can't make it.
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

I'm not holding it against her. I just don't believe she is as happy for me as she would have me to believe. I will still invite her. Our friendship isn't over but based on the way she handled this and some other things prior to me asking her to be a BM, we have some talking to do. I want to understand where she is coming from but I would also like her to understand where I'm coming from as well. If she doesn't, it is not the end of the world. I am in love and I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world ... it'll hurt not to have her by my side but I'll get over it. I just wish she had been honest with me instead of going about it the way that she did.

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:34fdad83-8197-4d15-a203-3d13fac9a440">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]An invitation to a wedding, and an invitation to be a member of a WP are just that: invitations.  They are not subpoenas. You plan your wedding for the date that you and your FI choose.  You extend the invitation to your friend to A) be in the WP and B) attend the wedding. She accepts or declines the invitation(s).  It's really that simple. And I think you're being terribly presumptuous to assume that this has anything to do with her being "jealous" of you.  What exactly do you think she's "jealous" of?
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Please understand that I have only told you one story about our relationship that has been going for over ten years. You wouldn't understand why I think she is jealous unless you knew us and our relationship in its entirety. Obviously I know more about her than you and I have my reasons for thinking that she is jealous, I just chose not to go into them. I will say that I can understand why she is jealous ... we have all had those feelings from time to time. I said I think she's jealous, not that I think I'm better than her because I don't. I love her and want good things for.

It seems that you have pre-judged me and no matter what I say, your response to me is going to come from that. I never said I was requiring her to be in my wedding. You completely missed the real reason why I was upset at her. It was the way that she went about the situation. I felt that she could have been honest with me and she wasn't and that is what I was hurt by. If she didn't want to come because of her daughter's birthday I would have understood that. I'd have been disappointed but I would have understood. What I do not understand is why she thought she had the right to tell me what day worked best for her when it is my wedding.

Again, it seems that you have pre-judged me and completely missed what I was upset about. I hope this clarifies it. But I am not a bad person and I never said that she was just because she isn't going to be in my wedding. either way, thank you for your input.

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:5ee5c41d-a1cd-4f1d-a433-4510222a2f6a">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]If a FRIEND said, "I know this is your kid's birthday, but she'll have lots of other birthdays. Do it on another day this year so it can be my day," - I'd tell the FORMER friend where to stick it. That's a terrible thing to do to a friend, and I'm not surprised that this lady's friend doesn't seem to know what to say. I'm certain the OP picked the best date available to her with no meanness in mind, but she has to realize that it won't be convenient for everyone, and telling someone to stuff their child's feelings is appalling.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

You've put words into my mouth. I never said any of that and I never would have been so rude and hateful to her. I told her that while I understood where she was coming from, since I was giving her advance notice, if she could come that would be great but if she couldn't I would understand. I could have sworn I included that part in my story but you might have missed that. Goodness, I was asking for advice not an attack.

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:3d9aff6b-f9ab-49ab-8145-a632aba96744">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see any indication that she's jealous.  I see many indications, however, that despite what you say, you do expect your wedding to come before her child. If it's really important that you have your friend there, then consider changing your date picked.  It doesn't sound like you have anything booked yet.  If you're set on that date, that's fine, but remember that your choices have consequences. Also, why are you referring to your BF?  You are engaged, aren't you?
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

You are entitled to your opinion. Like I told someone else, you wouldn't see any indication that she was jealous because I haven't given all the details of our relationship. I know her through and through. You don't and I've only given you one glimpse into our relationship. I do not EXPECT anything from her but honesty. But I've already explained all of that in my other responses. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me but I didn't expect that I would be attacked for my feelings on the matter. I was asking for advice not an attack. I'm sorry I even brought this to this board.
And as far as calling my FI my BF yes I'm engaged ... consider BF a typo. Wow.

JustEbbie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jealous-friend-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2039b029-0cac-4724-86aa-bdb4b49e1c12Post:9d603aa5-9de5-4c21-b22d-32c45bcc3f01">Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Jealous Friend? What Would You Do? Help... : Sign my name to this too.  You're putting your friend on the defensive as to why she's probaby going to choose her kid over your wedding.  Have your wedding on your date, but accept that that might mean that some people you really want there, won't be there.  You can't please everyone.  Every date will be bad for someone.  You are the only one who can decide what's most important to YOU.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

Thank you very much for your input.

JustEbbie

Thank you all for your input. Each of you have given me some things to think about. I'm a very open minded person and I always want to know when I'm being unreasonable or when I have a leg to stand on. I do think that some of you didn't read my post in its entirety because if you had you might have understood where I was coming from a little more. But I'm not going to continue to explain myself. We're all entitled to our respective opinions. That's what makes the world a diverse place. Again, I thank you all so much for your opinions and food for thought. I will take these things into consideration ...

orangecrush32

I didn't comment on this before, but I wanted to just comment on your responses. You called this friend jealous and gave no hint as to why in your original post, people said that it seemed like there was no reason to call her jealous. Then in your responses you go the "well you don't know my life" route. We only know what you tell us and when you don't give any info on the jealousy bit, we think that she's not jealous. We can only use the information you give us.

lalap69

You don't need to reply with basically the same thing to each poster.  We can read the replies whether or not they're directed at us.

Why even mention jealousy at all if you weren't going to get into it?  We can only comment on what you have to say.

If this isn't a big deal, then don't make it one.  But it seems to me like you were looking for validation and you're upset that you didn't get it.

jcamm11

OP, I think you're right that there probably is something more going on besides the fact your wedding date is her kid's birthday.  Whether or not it's jealousy, who knows, but I agree it really isn't a big deal to have a kid's birthday party on a day other than their birthday.  When I was a kid, birthday parties were usually on Saturdays even if the birthday fell on a weekday.  I'd honestly probably count her out of the wedding party and stop asking.  If she hasn't answered, she doesn't want to be in it.  Work on the friendship, and still invite her to the wedding.

Could it be a control issue?  If you aren't going to play her game and change your date for her, you're going to be punished?  Hopefully the issue will float to the surface soon.