MOB Issue- trying again

JennaHR

So I deleted the first post after feeling strange about venting on a message board, but rather than offend the board community I'll repost as closely as I can remember.

   My mother has been an inconsistent presence in my life since forever. She doesn't understand why I'm opting to have a "big deal" ceremony/reception since it's my second wedding. (The first when I was 17 and pregnant, rushed to the alter and the marriage lasted less than two years). I've finally met the man of my dreams, and a man who my kids absolutely love; the man I have no doubt I will be with for the rest of my life.
   I'm having a hard time now with the planning process because I feel like I'm missing something not having a mom to go dress shopping or to even chat with about ideas or plans.
   I have a wonderful step mom, but we don't have that kind of bond. I know it might be silly to get upset over my mom yet again, but whatever pain she has caused seems to be coming on like new.
    Anyone been here before, or going through it too?


**Sorry that the original post came across so badly. I wasn't trying to offend any one rather than just venting. And this has nothing to do with feeling like I'm missing something financially. It's an emotional thing.

amagwire

You might get some negative feedback re: your comment that your mom can't financially contribute to your wedding. It's not her responsibilty, and she has already hosted a wedding for you, white trash, or not.  The way you portray your relationship, I'd just go on with your planning and invite her to the wedding.  No expectations = no disappointments. 

My mother died two years ago, so I'm planning sans mother.  I'd just surround yourself with loving people during the process.  Even if your mother wanted to help, it sounds like she wouldn't be any. 

duckie1905

Deleting your post is not cool.

[Deleted User]

Seriously, why delete? You got one reply and it wasn't even that bad. Good thing I remember your story.

You shouldn't ever expect your mom to contribute, and complaining about her not pitching in just makes you look bad, not her. And mentioning the "shotgun wedding" is more a reflection on you than her as well.

It sounded like you don't have all that close a relationship anyway, so why let this bother you? Pay for your own wedding, stop resenting her for getting married to the first guy (because clearly, you do, based on your description), and get over it.

MairePoppy

I can understand why you would resent being forced into marriage, by your mom, at 17. That was wrong of your mother to pressure you, like that. While you shouldn't expect her to contribute financially to your second wedding, you probably would like some emotional support from her. I'm sorry it sounds like your mom is not capable of that.
Since you have a good relationship with your stepmother, why not include her in some of the planning. It might strengthen your bond with her. Or turn to another female relative, such as a sister or aunt.
It's too bad that you erased your post, because I think you would have gotten some encouraging responses. There are others in similar situations to yours.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage to the man of your (and your child's) dreams. Good luck.

JennaHR

 I only deleted because I feel kind of silly looking for advice here, and I guess I went about it the wrong way, or mentioned the wrong things. I don't even want financial support, as much as emotional. I still have very loving friends, sister, aunts, and sister in law, and even my step mother. I shouldn't let mom issues come before enjoying this process. It's my day right?

And as far as the first marriage, I'm not putting all of the blame on her, but I have daughters of my own now, and I know that if a guy like my ex came into the picture with them (he was almost 10 years older than I, when I was 15) I'd show him the door without a second thought. But that is the difference between me and her right there.
 
 Thanks for the advice.

amagwire

It sounds like your mother would not be hepful at all, but that you want a mother-daughter bond.  I think many people can relate whether its due to uninterested or diapproving parents during the planning process. I would just focus on your kids, fiance and upcoming wedding.  It sounds like you found a great guy, and at the end of the day, you're marrying your dream man. 

Coraley

I can totally relate on the not being close to your Mom issue and feeling like you are missing something when the big events in life come around.
I think it is great that you have found the man of your dreams and are going to plan the wedding of your dreams with him.  I also think that you sound like you have your head on straight and are a great Mother to your children.  I know it is hard sometimes, but you need to focus on the positive things you have and not feel like there is something missing (there isn't, you have everything that you need!)

tommyandy

What about your FMIL?

JennaHR

FMIL has not been involved with FI since he was 5 or 6. They speak once every few years, and it never goes well. Our similar childhoods seem to be one of the things that really brought us together. It's pretty difficult to find someone who can understand our situations. Thanks for all the well-wishes. My mom actually came over for dinner last week, and it went pretty well. I did come to the realization that she is who she is, and I shouldn't get bent out of shape over who she isn't.