Some in-law advice...

lkirby85

I actually have some advice to give.  After being very active in the boards I have noticed many people with family issues.  It has had me thinking and now I have some advise for those of you that may need it. 

I should preface that no one has to agree with me, I am just offering a professional opinion based on general circumstances and so I hope no one will post negative comments about the fact that I offered this.

In situations where a parent (parents, friends, brother, sister, aunt, etc...) is giving you grief I think you should BOTH sit down with them to talk.  Maybe the "blood" does most of the talking, but you/they should be there.  If you/they are not there it will create the standard that it is you/they against "them" and their son/daughter is only a mediator.  

If you are together you set the standard that you are all family now, which you are because that is what happens when people get married.  You also set the standard that you and your fiancé are a team and that you both feel strongly about this topic, that you both agree on this topic, and that you both care about them and want to resolve the problem.

By avoiding people and sending some one else into the "battle" you also create an unfair situation for the person in middle, in which they now have two loved ones disagreeing and they have to work alone to resolve the problem, possibly disappointing one of them.  

Even when it is not case, avoidance sends the message that you do want to deal with that person, thus offending them and setting the foundation for a poor relationship in the future.  One in which they may feel unable to approach you about other problems or unable to even trust you.  

I hope you will all reconsider the advise to "deal with your own parents (children, siblings, etc...)."  And wish you all the best with your wedding planning!

lindseyann410

I think that you have some vaild points.

P.S.  It's advice.  It's one of those things spell-check won't catch because advise is a word.

You "advise" someone, but you give "advice" to someone.  

advise= verb

advice= noun

AutumnFair

Now if it is something simple like someone not being in the WP, or along those lines, I agree. But I disagree if the situation is to a point where the family member has hate for the finance or fiancée. Because anytime there is major animosity towards the fiance or fiancée, it is best for the "blood" person to take charge and put their family in place. In many cases, the family member who dislikes the finance(e) can't even talk to them because their is such hate that everything just turns into an argument.

Even if you had everyone seated, there is tension in the air, I've personally been in a couple scenarios where the people can't get in 1 minute of discussion where things just spiral downhill. It isn't about "sticking" the "blood: relative in the middle or being too "scared" to be present, it is about relieving the tension and having the "blood" relative standing up and defending their SO and that they agree with them. Plus the family member would probably think in their head that the FI has to be there to make sure their child is in agreement with them. 

The best thing to do is for the couple to sit down and go over their plan. Then when the "blood" relative has to talk to the family member they are ready. It is up to the "blood" relative to take charge of their family because it is THEIR family. They will listen to them or the consequence will be they lose them (which makes people back off). So this why we tell people that if they have a stubborn argumentative parent/relative that it is up to the person with that "blood"  to talk and put their parent/relative in place.

em01092

I agree with a lot of this. I was a bit confused by the he should "deal with his parents" thing too when I first came on TK, since we are in this together. 

I think the main reason it gets brought up is because if your FI won't stand up for you to his parents and you are doing all of the talking/fighting, then that is a sign of bad things to come. I think it's toally fine for both to dicuss things with the parents. 

Edit: AutumnFair has good points as well. I think it really just depends on the specifics of the siutation and the people involved. Soemtimes I think it'd be better for both to be involved and sometimes just the blood relative. 

My FMIL (drunkenly) said some rather inappropriate things to me about my family recently that were not exactly WR, but had nothing to do with my FI at all, and I don't feel like he has any obligation there. He wasn't in the room and he doesn't need to get involved with making her apologize or anything. She can apologize to me on her own and we can work it out like adults, when that time comes. 

MairePoppy

Your strategy might work in a situation where the offending parent is capable of being reasonable. But I still think the initial talk should take place, privately, with the son or daughter. It might avoid unnecessary embarrassment and anger toward the fdil/fsil, in cases where the parent isn't aware (even if they should be) that they have crossed the line.

lkirby85

I think that you have some vaild points.
P.S.  It's advice.  It's one of those things spell-check won't catch because advise is a word.
You "advise" someone, but you give "advice" to someone.  advise= verbadvice= noun
Thank you lindsey, I know.  I think I must have spelled it incorrectly to begin with and spell check corrected it this way.  I type in Pages (it auto corrects) first and my typing skills are horrible to begin with.  Bahaha, I'm surprised that was the only one!
Everyone else,  I am sorry for any bad situations you have experienced.  As I said to begin with, this is only general advice so I completely understand that some of your own situations have warranted other approaches.  
AutumnFair, I respect your opinion to disagree, I just feel that this is exactly what I am trying to explain as being "negative" behavior.  This is my opinion of coarse and I also understand it is not applicable to every situation.  I also understand the logic behind this way of thinking and I am just trying to offer an alternative, one that is rarely spoken of.  I do, in fact, make a living by helping others communicate better as well better understand their own behavior and that of others, so I would like to think that my statement has at least some validity. 

Retread,  I am very sorry for your lose.  

"...if the spouse won't stand up for you, then re-think the relationship, or be prepared to accept it."

I am so sorry you had to endure feeling unsupported.  I agree, this may be a sign that the relationship should be reevaluated but I do not believe this is the middle ground.  I believe these two options are the two extremes and that working as a team, open to communication and compromise, is the middle.  Some times, some people need a little help or time before they are able to do these things.  I hope you will not always feel as though your late husband let you down. 

My suggestion for someone that seems unreasonable and incapable of a discussion like this... avoid confrontational or defensive language such as, "you always ___" and, "I never___".  Think of it as the same concept as "kill them with kindness".  When someone wants to start arguing with you during what is supposed to be a calm conversation, try responding with, "I understand ___________, so, can we talk about it?",  even if you do not understand or even care, people have a hard time arguing with a person that won't argue back.  

I wish everyone all the best! Happy planning!