Moms and Maids

MIL HATES(!!!) SMIL

Clearly I want both women to be a part of the wedding, and the bachlorette party but my MIL cannot stand my SMIL... its to the point that every time the wedding comes up she makes a point to mention how much she hates my FIL and SMIL and doesn't want to dance with him, or be in the same room as her. 
I want to have both of them at the bachlorette party, but I do not want to make it uncomfortable for them or anyone else. What do I do?! 
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Re: MIL HATES(!!!) SMIL

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-hates-smil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:233d2aff-f15e-4c11-8135-68276e37ae2cPost:6510cbc6-3217-4d40-bcc0-029ae42546a9">MIL HATES(!!!) SMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Clearly I want both women to be a part of the wedding, and the bachlorette party but my MIL cannot stand my SMIL... its to the point that every time the wedding comes up she makes a point to mention how much she hates my FIL and SMIL and doesn't want to dance with him, or be in the same room as her.  I want to have both of them at the <strong>bachlorette party</strong>, but I do not want to make it uncomfortable for them or anyone else. What do I do?! 
    Posted by asialee2[/QUOTE]
    Are you sure you don't mean bridal shower?
    Anyway, have you spoken to you fiance about this?
    image
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    First, why would your MIL think she has to dance with her Ex? Second, both are grown women and need to act as such when they are together. If she just can't stand SMIL then she does not have to attend the certain parties. Your FI needs to tell his mom that he would hope that the love she has for him is greater than the hatred she has for her Ex and his wife. Lastly, if possible avoid wedding talk around her unless she initiates it because it sounds like all she has to say is negative things about her Ex and SMIL when the subject is brought up.
  • asialee2asialee2 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, sorry bridal shower. I do not bring it up, the MIL always asks and wants to help out in any way she can. My SMIL has no issues with the MIL.
    I have talked to my FI- and he is very close with his mom and doesn't want to make her mad, but it is starting to bother him- he's at the point that if she says anything again he will tell her she doesn't have to come if it will make her uncomfortable. ARG! 
    Anniversary
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You didn't really answer the part about dancing.  Are you requiring her to dance with him?  Because that's really weird and I could see why that would make her really uncomfortable.

    And if she thinks she will be too uncomfortable to attend the wedding, then you need to tell her that she will be missed.  You can't force her to come.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-hates-smil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:233d2aff-f15e-4c11-8135-68276e37ae2cPost:f6701626-a379-48f4-9303-e8bea9104f17">Re: MIL HATES(!!!) SMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, sorry bridal shower. I do not bring it up, the MIL always asks and wants to help out in any way she can. My SMIL has no issues with the MIL. I have talked to my FI- and he is very close with his mom and doesn't want to make her mad, but it is starting to bother him- he's at the point that if she says anything again he will tell her she doesn't have to come if it will make her uncomfortable. ARG! 
    Posted by asialee2[/QUOTE]
    if he is going to blow up, perhaps it might be better if he said something now. I mean, better now when he can plan what he's going to say and not later when he says things in the heat of the moment.

    But I do think you should stay out of it as much as possible. It's really sucky that she is behaving like that, but don't put yourself in the middle. If she brings up the SMIL, just offer her bean dip and a lot of it. :)
    image
  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That's kind of crappy of her to put you guys in the middle of her ex and his new wife crap.  People sometimes try to punish their ex's by turning the kids against them, but in the end, it really only hurts the kids.  She should grow up.  You and FI have enough on your plates with planning a wedding.  She's being very selfish by making this about her.  If she brings up not wanting to see your smil at the shower, tell her you'd miss her at the shower, but you'll understand if she chooses not to come given her strong feelings.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Let's not judge the FMIL. Divorce can be messy and sometimes people keep the messiest details to themselves.

    OP, there is no need for you to get in the middle of this situation. The host should send out the shower invitations to the MOG and step-mother, if fi is close to her. He should let his mom know, in advance, that they are both invited. If she refuses to attend, let her know that you really will miss her, but you understand her feelings.

    As for the wedding, there is no need for the MOG and FOG to dance with each other. That would be awkward for them and anyone watching. They also should not be assigned to the same table. For the sake of everyone's comfort, let each set of parents host a table at  your reception.
                       
  • immaeetuimmaeetu member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Requiring exes to dance together, especially when the dissolution of their marriage was messy, is rude, inconsiderate and pretty much disgusting.
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  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Stay out of the situation! It's something that needs to be hashed out between them and your FI. It would be a shame if they couldn't be civil enough to attend the bridal shower, but that just might be what has to happen to avoid some sort of blowout or tension.
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I cannot fathom why someone would think it's a good idea to make exes dance together.  My parents are divorced and get along perfectly well with each other and the new spouses, but I think they'd both rather die than have to dance together.  They're no longer romantically or socially linked, and trying to make them pretend like they are to keep up appearances is only going to cause drama.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • asialee2asialee2 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No no no no- I would never make them dance together... she has the idea in her head that she has to- and no matter how many times we tell her that she doesn't have to she keeps bringing it up! 
    Anniversary
  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-hates-smil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:233d2aff-f15e-4c11-8135-68276e37ae2cPost:40354aff-364e-486c-9c8d-217a5b479715">Re: MIL HATES(!!!) SMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]No no no no- I would never make them dance together... she has the idea in her head that she has to- and no matter how many times we tell her that she doesn't have to she keeps bringing it up! 
    Posted by asialee2[/QUOTE]

    That's odd.  I wonder why she thinks that.  I've never heard of a dance where the parents dance with each other..
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  • asialee2asialee2 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I know, its awful. No matter how much we assure her they don't need to dance with each other or be near each other it does not matter. 
    My in-laws don't have to dance with each other, just their new other halfs.
    Their marriage didn't end well but she refuses to put it aside for one day. 
     
    Anniversary
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think at this point, you need to call her out on it.  "Mom, you're being ridiculous.  I've told you time and again that you won't have to dance with him or interact with them at all.  If you bring it up one more time, then I'm going to stop talking about the wedding with you, and you can just show up as a regular guest."  And mean it.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited December 2011
    I think it's time to call her out. She needs to realize how much she's making you feel uncomfortable by repeatedly bringing this up and acting ridiculous. I would tell her how silly it is that she's bringing up the dancing, again, when she's already been told ten dozen times that not only is it not expected of her, it's never been expected of any divorced couple. I would also tell her (or have your fiance tell her), how hurtful it is that she can't discuss your wedding without bringing up her hatred for other family members who you both love very much. She needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that they are not going to be uninvited, and if she can't deal with that then she will be missed. If she continues to bring up this line of conversation than you need to leave her presence right then and there, because she needs to know it will not be tolerated.

    That being said, I know showers are tricky subjects etiquette-wise (and I'm not even looking forward to the only one I have to attend), but my friend's brother just got married last year and was in a similar situation. The bride's side of the family was divorced and the two parties could NOT get along. They pulled it together for the rehersal dinner and wedding, but she had to have three showers - one from her dad's side of the family, one from her mom's, and one from the groom's side who wanted to throw her one. I don't know if that would be the best option for you, but if both your SMIL and MIL are insisting at being at prewedding parties (where they are more likely to run into each other given the smaller, more intimate setting),  maybe you explain the predicament to a female family member on both sides of the family and see if they can't help you out with that. It's ridiculous that you FMIL can't set aside her differences, but perhaps it will be best all around if they see as little of each other before the wedding as possible.
  • asialee2asialee2 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies- you've been great help with putting it into perspective and advising me on to to deal with the situation!  Wish me luck! :P
    Anniversary
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