Dealing with Step-Mothers

callen6287

My future husband and I have sort of a different parental set up for our wedding. My FI's mother passed away when he was just 8 months, then his father got remarried when he was about 2. This Stepmother(SM) barely raised him, meaning she worked all the time and left the raising to his father's mother. This SM is VERY unsocial and is horrible to try to get her to do things if its not with her own family. If I try to invite her to things, she initially says yes then backs out the day before. How can I honor my FI's birth mother without making the SM angry? I couldn't careless about pissing off the SM but I want to have the birth mother be apart of our day in some way.   Please give any advice with this and dealing with evil MIL....

vicki0508

How does your FI feel about it?  Does he want to include his birth mother?  I hope you aren't disincluding the step mother because she didn't raise him "enough."  Because that's kind of petty.

To honor relatives who have passed, some people do a memorial candle with a picture, or mention something in the program. 

hlq2011

The fact that she backs out of commitments doesn't make her evil.

At most, I would maybe say something in the program about the birth mother.  I think we will have a little section sort of remembering those who aren't with us, which includes my dad - who, by the way, left most of the raising of my brother and I to my mom and my stepmom, but whom I still tried to involve in the wedding up until he passed away last year.

Invite her to things, but don't do anything relying on her showing up.  It's not that big a deal.

And really, this woman is going to be your mother-in-law.  You haven't said a thing that makes her sound "evil" and I personally think, going just by what you've said here, that you ought to care about pissing off your FI's stepmother, if only for the sake of family harmony down the road.

MairePoppy

 In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dealing-step-mothers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:24d74a55-d0c5-4f8e-a572-bf52f48940f0Post:7e952ff0-0d4b-4787-804f-e84f6c6c98bb">Dealing with Step-Mothers</a>:
[QUOTE]My future husband and I have sort of a different parental set up for our wedding. My FI's mother passed away when he was just 8 months, then his father got remarried when he was about 2. This Stepmother(SM) barely raised him, meaning she worked all the time and left the raising to his father's mother. This SM is VERY unsocial and is horrible to try to get her to do things if its not with her own family. If I try to invite her to things, she initially says yes then backs out the day before. How can I honor my FI's birth mother without making the SM angry? I couldn't careless about pissing off the SM but I want to have the birth mother be apart of our day in some way.   Please give any advice with this and dealing with evil MIL....
Posted by callen6287[/QUOTE]

There are many families where the mother figure works and the grandparents help to raise the kids. By working, she was helping to support the family. Was his father working, also?

If you are respectful of the step-mother, I see no reason why she would be offended at having the bio mom recognized in some way. Don't use the memorial as a way to get back at the step-mother for not living up to your expectations. Let your fi decide if and how he wants to honor his mother.

8daysaweek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dealing-step-mothers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:24d74a55-d0c5-4f8e-a572-bf52f48940f0Post:7e952ff0-0d4b-4787-804f-e84f6c6c98bb">Dealing with Step-Mothers</a>:
[QUOTE]My future husband and I have sort of a different parental set up for our wedding. My FI's mother passed away when he was just 8 months, then his father got remarried when he was about 2. This Stepmother(SM) barely raised him, meaning she worked all the time and left the raising to his father's mother. This SM is VERY unsocial and is horrible to try to get her to do things if its not with her own family. If I try to invite her to things, she initially says yes then backs out the day before. How can I honor my FI's birth mother without making the SM angry? I couldn't careless about pissing off the SM but I want to have the birth mother be apart of our day in some way.   Please give any advice with this and dealing with evil MIL....
Posted by callen6287[/QUOTE]

PPs are correct that FI should be making the call about how to honor and handle both bio and step mom. I would suggest if you think it's going to be an issue, you mention it casually to SM before the day of so she knows and isn't taken by surprise.

But I don't see anything here that's evil. Annoying maybe but definitely not evil. I was engaged previously several years ago and at that time there was a girl on the Knot boards whose MIL had literally tried to poison her. That = evil. I see a lot of women on these boards complaining about MILs but mostly it's pretty minor stuff like what you are complaining about.

Kniblet

I would talk to your FI and find out how he wants to honor his mother.  As PP stated, you guys could include something in a program, if you are having them.  Or maybe a candle.

And for what it's worth, backing out of stuff doesn't make her evil.  Maybe she just isn't social.  Nothing wrong with that.  Lots of people shy away from social events.

Good luck.