MOH being impossible

nellrose

Hello,
I moved in with my MOH about a year ago, before I was even engaged. My fiance moved in about 7 months ago, and so far things have been smooth. After we got engaged, my roommate was super excited, and I mentioned something about needing bridesmaids and a maid of honour--she replied with "I assumed" and kinda automatically took up the position.
Now, for the last two months, things have been rocky with my roommate (MOH) from living situations and little issues, and she keeps blaming and personally attacking my fiance for a lot of these issues. They have always gotten along before this, but now it seems they really don't like each other.
She has been removed from the wedding planning and just shuts herself in her room and has no interest in anything and now is threatening to move out.
I personally don't want her involved anymore, she is one of those friends that comes and goes in life, and someone I would have never asked to be MOH in the first place---but I feel it is very rude to "demote" someone from a position like that. She has even said herself that we are not really even friends anymore--My fiance doesn't want her there at all either.
What should I do?

whitneymc45

Sounds like she feels threatened by all the foward progress, and like she is going to asked to move out once you are married. I would say try to talk it out with her and if that doesnt work be sure to have a back up and remover her from your life if she decides to make this the reason to break off your friendship.

sister2groom

Well, first I would look at your lease. If you have to live with her for another year of something, rocking the boat now could make the next year A LOT worse.

jilld82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-impossible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:25dc88a3-e687-4563-b065-4db3c82dcba2Post:b736e2e9-7039-4da1-9348-eff79f2a2efd">Re: MOH being impossible</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like she feels threatened by all the foward progress, and like she is going to asked to move out once you are married. I would say try to talk it out with her and if that doesnt work be sure to have a back up and remover her from your life if she decides to make this the reason to break off your friendship.
Posted by whitneymc45[/QUOTE]

This is actually incorrect advice. 

It is not ok to ask her to step down.  You should have said something to her when she invited herself to be your moh if you didn't want her to be your moh, so you have to take responsibility for that. 

Also it isn't ok to replace her.  At this point it would make that person look like a sloppy second and that is very rude.

I think you need to ask your moh is she really wants to be in your wedding.  I feel like you should talk to her because chances are she may be feeling jealous or sad that you are moving in a different direction than her. 

It sounds like she may just take herself out of the running so it may not even be an issue.

ETA:  Not that I condone kicking a member of the wp out but it sounds like if you do you are prepared to end the friendship, so at least you have that going for the situation.  Check your lease terms and try talking to her again though.

vicki0508

I imagine with you and FI living together, there's probably a lot of wedding talk going on, and I'd be willing to bet MOH is pretty tired of hearing about it - which is why she shuts herself in her room.  I can also see why she'd be annoyed with the living situation, she signed a lease with you, and then you moved FI in.  That's probably not what she had in mind when you two signed the lease.

I think you need to find out what exactly is bothering her and see if you can try to fix things.  Planning a wedding really shouldn't be so difficult that you have to end friendships.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-impossible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:25dc88a3-e687-4563-b065-4db3c82dcba2Post:e3bfe12d-91eb-4c19-a82d-9078160b23bd">MOH being impossible</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, I moved in with my MOH about a year ago, before I was even engaged. My fiance moved in about 7 months ago, and so far things have been smooth. After we got engaged, my roommate was super excited, and I mentioned something about needing bridesmaids and a maid of honour--she replied with "I assumed" and kinda automatically took up the position.<strong> Now, for the last two months, things have been rocky with my roommate (MOH) from living situations and little issues, and she keeps blaming and personally attacking my fiance for a lot of these issues.</strong> They have always gotten along before this, but now it seems they really don't like each other. She has been removed from the wedding planning and just shuts herself in her room and has no interest in anything and now is threatening to move out. I personally don't want her involved anymore, she is one of those friends that comes and goes in life, and someone I would have never asked to be MOH in the first place---but I feel it is very rude to "demote" someone from a position like that. <strong>She has even said herself that we are not really even friends anymore-</strong>-My fiance doesn't want her there at all either. What should I do?
Posted by nellrose[/QUOTE]
The bolded part is the issue you need to address. What has changed in your relationship over the last few months? She seems to resent your fi. Is he paying 1/3 of the living expenses and doing 1/3 of the household chores? Is he taking over the shared space in your apartment?
If she is ending your friendship, then she will  most likely drop out of your wp, on her own.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-impossible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:25dc88a3-e687-4563-b065-4db3c82dcba2Post:b2ecc8a4-c880-4686-867e-de62fc64e295">Re: MOH being impossible</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH being impossible : The bolded part is the issue you need to address. What has changed in your relationship over the last few months? She seems to resent your fi. Is he paying 1/3 of the living expenses and doing 1/3 of the household chores? Is he taking over the shared space in your apartment? Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I'd like to get these questions answered as well.

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-impossible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:25dc88a3-e687-4563-b065-4db3c82dcba2Post:b736e2e9-7039-4da1-9348-eff79f2a2efd">Re: MOH being impossible</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like she feels threatened by all the foward progress, and like she is going to asked to move out once you are married. I would say try to talk it out with her and if that doesnt work <strong>be sure to have a back up</strong> and remover her from your life if she decides to make this the reason to break off your friendship.
Posted by whitneymc45[/QUOTE]

It's rude to ask someone to be a second string or back up MOH.

OP, I agree with PP's, talk to your MOH.  If the talk ends with her saying she doesn't want to be friends anymore, then ask her if she realy thinks it's appropriate for her to be in your wedding.  Her inviting herself to be in your WP months ago is not a reason for you to kick her out now.  If you didn't want her in it, you needed to correct her assumption from the get go.

graysquirrel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-impossible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:25dc88a3-e687-4563-b065-4db3c82dcba2Post:6bedfb53-5d51-450d-b6d9-ad06440d96b7">Re: MOH being impossible</a>:
[QUOTE]I imagine with you and FI living together, there's probably a lot of wedding talk going on, and I'd be willing to bet MOH is pretty tired of hearing about it - which is why she shuts herself in her room.  I can also see why she'd be annoyed with the living situation, she signed a lease with you, and then you moved FI in.  That's probably not what she had in mind when you two signed the lease. I think you need to find out what exactly is bothering her and see if you can try to fix things.  Planning a wedding really shouldn't be so difficult that you have to end friendships.
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

<div>Totally agree with this. I'd imagine that it would be pretty hard for her to live with an engaged couple and it is probably driving her a bit batty. I'd go crazy if it were me. I would cut out WR talk with her for a while and work on making your living situation better before kicking her out. </div>

heinz11msw

MOH isn't a "position". You should have stepped up in the first place. Why would you even let someone be a MOH if they aren't your best friend/sister/etc??

If you remove her from your life, you can't ask another MOH. You can just have all bridesmaids though. That is really common.

joiner521

Move on and find someone else. People become envious once you start the next step of your life.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-impossible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:25dc88a3-e687-4563-b065-4db3c82dcba2Post:c64ff898-7a33-4d2f-a22f-4aaf9c104559">Re: MOH being impossible</a>:
[QUOTE]Move on and find someone else. People become envious once you start the next step of your life.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
I couldn't disagree with you more.