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FMIL advice needed--- sorry its so long

Hi ladies,

So a little background history for timing......My FI and I have been dating for 6 years & engaged for 1 and a few months.  We are getting married in May this year so we have been planning since november 2011.  I have done most of this with my mother/sisters while using fi and my father as sounding boards for final decisions and this has worked very well over the year & it has been fun.  We have divied up costs etc to accommodate everyone's budget.  So at this point all of the major stuff has been decided.  We live on the south shore near my FMIL but my family is from North Shore.....The wedding/ceremony will be on the North shore.

A little history about relationships......My FMIL and I are not close and don't spend anytime together without fi because our personalities clash.  She is bi-polar and I have a hard time adjusting to that as she says one thing one minute and the next its the complete opposite.  I am the type of person that if I say something ... I mean it or if i say i will do it I do it.  I am not dramatic and have a hard time handling overly dramatic people.   She also sleeps late into the afternoon and is late for everything she is supposed to go to.  For these reasons, I have not included my FMIL in dress shopping, appts, etc........she has never mentioned to me or FI (that I know of) wanting to be included in any of this which was perfectly fine with me. The only thing that had been offered & discussed was FMIL was going to host Rehearsal dinner (this was fine with everyone as their financial situation is different than ours & my parents). So everything was hunky dory until the time started ticking away and we are now at the planning parts that involve FMIL FFIL ie tuxedos & Rehearsal dinner.

When FI told FMIL the cost of tuxedos ($150) she flipped out on him.  He ended up telling her we would split the cost......I was a little pissed about this because my family has been extremely generous and we have put alot of money into this wedding ourselves ... all she had to do was buy/rent their outfits and host the rehearsal dinner which they offered to host. I relented not wanting to cause waves as he is her only son and his biological father has been out of the picture since he was 8.  The money wouldn't make or break us ... it was more of the principle of the matter.   Keep in mind that they have supposedly been saving for a year which I have heard about on numerous occasions.  True or not I dont know......Which leads me to the rehearsal dinner.....FI told me that FMIL wanted us to pick the restaurant. I was aggravated about this because I know FMIL and I have different tastes etc. I had a gut feeling it was going to be a problem so I told him no and why. I relented after he insisted and offered to help with the planning part of it. I did the research and sent the info on cost to my FFIL at my FI request (he is her FI but he plays the role of my FI's father)......I got an email from the place saying they had booked it and on friday afternoon FMIL sent me a text saying they had booked it and where with QUOTE yahoo!!!!About three hours later FMIL called FI and asked to speak to me ..... She flipped out on me saying she felt left out, this was her only son and I wasnt including her in any decisions and didnt understand why my family never accommodates her by coming to the south shore. I started to apologize and explain that the rehearsal was on NS why would we come to SS unless you wanted to .... never finished because phone disconnected. She called FI and said tell her I didnt hang up on her and that was that....she never asked to speak to me to finish call and he never handed phone to me. I was extremely flustered and angry.......I have since asked her to lunch to talk ---- she declined because she was getting over being sick......I have asked her  to the make up party (because she had asked FI about getting makeup done professionally) . She originally said yes then the night of said no with a dig for me via text (because she wasn't originally invited to the party.) She wasn't because I had no intention of her getting ready with me at my mom's house. I assumed she would be with her son at the hotel ( I am a little old school and dont want to see my FI before the wedding) . 

So the question you have been patiently waiting for ----- what do I do now? I can not rationally talk to this woman and really dont want her getting ready with me on the day of the wedding. My FI is not a good go between for us because he leaves details out and simply tries to appease which ever one of us he is talking to.
ANY advice is greatly appreciated

Re: FMIL advice needed--- sorry its so long

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    You are trying to include her, and that is all you can do.  I don't know if I'd call her bipolar, or just a little unorganized.  He is her only son, so she's probably just over emotional.  I've heard much, much worse FMIL stories, and I think you are doing what you can.  

    That said, keep trying, so that at least you can say you did that much.  And tell her that the fiancee leaves things out.  There's a good chance that's part of the communication troubles. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    she is actually diagnosed for bi polar --- i wasnt just saying it..... thanks though... I have been trying ugh

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    You and your FI need to get on the same page when dealing with his parents. It is not okay that he just tries to appease whomever he is speaking to at the time; his way of doing things is obviously not working. If this is how he is during wedding planning, what is he going to do when you two have other major decisions to make/problems to deal with?

    Another poster, TXKristan, often tells brides that the way you and our FI handle wedding planning and wedding problem solving is a good indicator of how things will be dealt with in your marriage. That's something you should be thinking about.

    Since she is FI's mom he should be the one dealing with her, making arrangements for her, etc. If she has since told you 'no' to getting her makeup done with you the morning of, perhaps you can send the MUA (on your dime) to FMIL when your makeup is finished?
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    Yes, why are you telling your FFIL what to wear to your wedding? He's an adult and should be able to dress himself. The fathers don't have to match the wedding party.

    Your FILs are the hosts of the RD, since they offered. Just reassure them that you will be happy with whatever they plan. Usually, the RD is held at a location that is convenient for the guests or they may not be able to attend. The RD is meant to be a thank you to the wedding party. Your Fi, not you, should explain that to his mother.

    Dressing is a very intimate thing. If you don't want your FMIL to dress with you, don't mention it to her, at all. Your fi could be helpful, by asking his mom to spend time with him and his wedding party before the wedding. He could ask her to help him get ready, have a quiet breakfast or lunch with him, help prepare some kind of drinks/snacks for the men, or whatever he thinks might appeal to her.

    Stop trying to set up dates to talk with your FMIL. Stop calling and texting her. If she contacts you, let Fi answer her. It sounds like the two of you need a break from each other.

                       
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice-needed-sorry-its-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:28a9eeee-e20f-4477-bfd7-25f1a8eb941ePost:d8a16815-b440-4342-aaee-f556518cd376">Re: FMIL advice needed--- sorry its so long</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>His dad doesn't have to wear a tuxedo unless he's in the wedding party</strong>.  Why are you making him rent one? Let them plan the RD, and let your fiance deal with them.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This was my first thought reading. My FI's dad is just wearing a suit he already had since we saw no reason for him to spend all the money to get something special just for the heck of it. We don't have a black-tie wedding.

    As to being diagnosed, is she medicine-compliant? If she isn't, there are just some things you're going to have to get used to about her "quirks" (I have a family member that is bipolar and has been on and off his meds for years, and let me tell you...) Spending on extravagant things, and then not having money for things they should have been saving for? Classic sign of bipolar (he just had to move because his house was foreclosed on, but he recently bought a motorcycle on top of three other cars...) Weird moodswings? Sort of in the definition. It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it's just something you'll have to deal with if she isn't yet willing to deal with her own problem.
    photo a826c490-726a-4824-af5c-d938878de228_zpseb85bb5a.jpg
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    First, I didnt tell anyone what to wear......My father told me he wanted to wear a Tux & we asked FFIL before we went to rent them if he wanted to wear one or not.  It was his/ their decision to say yes.....he could of said no. 

    Second, thanks for some great advice.  I do think you guys are right about FI being  part of the problem in our communication gaps....so I will talk to him about that.  Over the years, he has been a good mediator between us which is why I dont think we will have a problem in our marriage.  We wouldnt have made 7 years together if not.  His mother and I are really two extremes on the spectrum in every way possible.  However, I think he feels funny in this particular instance because it involves their money --- which is usually never on the plate.

    Third, I have stopped trying to contact her but I feel guilty not trying to include her because of what she said to me.  I dont want her to feel left out of her only son's wedding.  But like you guys said it should be up to him including her so that is my plan of action from here on out.  

    Thank you for some good tips to go from here.  Hopefully they work  

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice-needed-sorry-its-so-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:28a9eeee-e20f-4477-bfd7-25f1a8eb941ePost:532ed389-788e-4922-af49-68238e1685f1">FMIL advice needed--- sorry its so long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI is not a good go between for us because he leaves details out and simply tries to appease which ever one of us he is talking to. ANY advice is greatly appreciated
    Posted by zoeylove[/QUOTE]

    Put the wedding planning on hold and get couples counseling.  Your situation is not going to get any better until this gets addressed.
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    @ retreadbride --- thank you----that is a good way to explain it...... hot and cold.... because that is exactly how she is --- I was completely aware of this fact so this had been my tactic along the way with planning  ---unfortunately,  it still made her angry --- can t win for trying.  I have only brought up wedding info with her when she asked or when we needed the info --- ie.... her side of the guest list (which was a nightmare) but that is another whole story.

    As far as the rehearsal dinner is concerned, i tried very hard to stay out of this but was still brought into it just to be told I am not leaving decisions up to her ..... thinking back the other girls were right --- I should have handled this differently with FI but too late now.  We are at the point now that the place is booked and she is having a hard time with the menu ..... I told FI I would explain it to him and he can explain it to her.....the last thing I need is another go around.

    thanks for the luck --- I think I am going to need a whole bunch of it in the next few months
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    edited March 2013
     As to being diagnosed, is she medicine-compliant? If she isn't, there are just some things you're going to have to get used to about her "quirks" (I have a family member that is bipolar and has been on and off his meds for years, and let me tell you...) Spending on extravagant things, and then not having money for things they should have been saving for? Classic sign of bipolar (he just had to move because his house was foreclosed on, but he recently bought a motorcycle on top of three other cars...) Weird moodswings? Sort of in the definition. It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it's just something you'll have to deal with if she isn't yet willing to deal with her own problem.
    Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE
    ]
     
    She does take medicine--- I am not sure what, when, or how.  I am also not sure if she is compliant with it --- my guess would be no but I dont really know.  My first reaction in my head was was take your meds and call me back haha but I didn't say that obviously.
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