FMIL question

lisaandcorey

How much do I need to interact with my FMIL? 

My fiance told me that she thinks I don't like her because I don't call her, but I'm not a phone person and when I used to call her she would rush me off the phone.  She used to call me at akward times when I couldn't answer the phone - I'd call back and she wouldn't answer.  No biggie.  I don't dislike her, but I'm a private person and just because I'm marrying her son doesn't mean we have to be besties, right?  I don't care if she thinks I don't like her because it isn't true - I asked my fiance to not tell me when she says things like that (part of me feels like she was trying to "start" something knowing that he would tell me but I'm not falling into that trap). 

I spend time with her occasionally and see her on holidays and I really don't think  it needs to go beyond that. Should I be doing more?

aerinpegadrak

It really varies.  I have pretty much no interaction with just me and MIL; DH will talk to her on speaker phone and I'll chime in occasionally, or he and I will go to family events where she's present, but that's it.  The one time I was with her without DH was a shopping trip along with her SIL and niece.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2afb65a0-3617-4719-bbb7-e4fb3f9334fbPost:81057067-09c1-4fc4-a281-0b67b2f9bf8f">FMIL question</a>:
[QUOTE]How much do I need to interact with my FMIL?  My fiance told me that she thinks I don't like her because I don't call her, but I'm not a phone person and when I used to call her she would rush me off the phone.  She used to call me at akward times when I couldn't answer the phone - I'd call back and she wouldn't answer.  No biggie.  I don't dislike her, but I'm a private person and just because I'm marrying her son doesn't mean we have to be besties, right?  I don't care if she thinks I don't like her because it isn't true - I asked my fiance to not tell me when she says things like that (part of me feels like she was trying to "start" something knowing that he would tell me but I'm not falling into that trap).  I spend time with her occasionally and see her on holidays and I really don't think  it needs to go beyond that. Should I be doing more?
Posted by lisaandcorey[/QUOTE]

No, you don't <em>need</em> to do more if you really don't want to. But clearly your FMIL feels differently. By marrying her son, you are going to be her DIL. Some people put more value to that relationship than others would. Is your FI very close to his FMIL?

You are marrying into the family. You will be spending a lot of time with them. You don't need to be "besties" either. But I also don't see the harm in trying to spend some more time with her if that's what she wants.

I'm not a phone person either, and my BF's mom lives across the country so phoning is long distance. We stay in contact through e-mail and facebook occasionally.

I think some mothers just appreciate having a better idea of who their son's SO is and what she's like.

Maybe you could write her a nice card or something? She might really appreciate that. Or even just inviting her out for coffee or something. It doesn't have to be a big deal, or a weekly event, but it sounds like it would mean a lot to her for you to do so.

AutumnFair

My cousin's husband is a quiet guy unlike her and the rest of my family which we are loud and very close knit. We all get that he's pretty quiet so we respect if he's not a chatter box with us, but we do try to involve him in conversations just so he doesn't feel left out. 

I ditto the other ladies, you don't really have to but it wouldn't hurt you to be a little more open just so you two can get to know one another better, since you will be in each other's lives for a long time. I will admit I'm not a huge phone person either, email,  facebook, letters are the my communication with people even close family (besides actually seeing them) so if she isn't a internet person try writing a letter.

mkrupar

When FI and I were living LD I used to email FMIL a lot, that's how we communicated, but now that FI and I live together, I don't. I don't know if it's because I know he talks to her regularly or if it's because at that time I actually hadn't ever met her, and now that i have it doesn't seem like I need to establish a relationship because there is already one there.

My suggestion would be to just try. If you still aren't comfortable opening up and becoming besties with FMIL then I would have FI have a conversation with her basically saying that just because you don't talk with her a lot doesn't mean you don't like her. Talking on the phone is just not your thing. Do you think it would work better if you communicated through email? Are you more comfrotable through email? If that's what you're more comfortable doing, maybe she'll be ok with that.

jess9802

It just depends on what you feel comfortable with and whether it will create problems in the family. I'm very close to my FMIL, but we all live in the same city, and I'm over at her house at least once a week for lunch or something. I've really enjoyed my relationship with her. My FI is not as close to my parents, but we don't see them as regularly. I'm okay with that, too.

lisaandcorey

Thanks for the responses.  I appreciate everyone's input!

brianabrad

FMIL and I have our ups and downs. We do most of our talking by email since they live in Texas and FI and I live in Missouri we don't see each other much. FI is FMIL's middle child but first child to be married and I know she likes being included in the wedding planning process. She has said it several times that he friends are so jealous that I include her because when they went to their son's weddings they felt like guest too because they had no idea what was going on or what things would look like.

I like getting FMIL input and I like including her so that's why I do it. In the end though, I know the final decision on everything will come from FI and I.

We also use Skype to talk online sometimes but FI is always there while we are doing that. I would say we email at least every week or so.