Moms and Maids

Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry)

I am supposed to be getting married April 2, 2011.  As of now our wedding has been cancelled.  I have not officially starting calling people to cancel but I am ready to.  My future mother in law is really starting to grate on my nerves.  I have dated the FH for 6 years, and she was nice at first.  Two years ago we had a major issue and didn't speak for 3 months.  Finally I just gave up and forgot about it and went back around, because my FH wouldn't stand up for me.  For 2 years, I have faked a friendly bond with her.  I do not like this woman at all.  Now she wanted to make my wedding cake and suprise me at the wedding with it!  Finally she sent me a text that was so rude, and told me who I was going to invite to my wedding shower!  I love my FH so much, but he will not stand up for me!  She sends nasty messages about me to people that we know, and I have seen these messages!  I don't know if I just need to get away from the FH or get over it.  I can't take much more though!  What do you all suggest. 

Re: Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry)

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2ba7e1f5-c69f-442f-b511-ba5a34e589eaPost:a264e295-bc40-4816-9a5b-16ced864690c">Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am supposed to be getting married April 2, 2011.  As of now our wedding has been cancelled.  I have not officially starting calling people to cancel but I am ready to.  My future mother in law is really starting to grate on my nerves.  I have dated the FH for 6 years, and she was nice at first.  Two years ago we had a major issue and didn't speak for 3 months.  Finally I just gave up and forgot about it and went back around, because my FH wouldn't stand up for me.  For 2 years, I have faked a friendly bond with her.  I do not like this woman at all.  Now she wanted to make my wedding cake and suprise me at the wedding with it!  Finally she sent me a text that was so rude, and told me who I was going to invite to my wedding shower! <strong> I love my FH so much, but he will not stand up for me!</strong>  She sends nasty messages about me to people that we know, and I have seen these messages!  I don't know if I just need to get away from the FH or get over it.  I can't take much more though!  What do you all suggest. 
    Posted by calliebrooke[/QUOTE]

    Run for the hills. Wedding rings don't come with spines or testicles. Do you really want to be married to somebody who doesn't care about your feelings and refuses to stand up to Mommy?
  • gailpetegailpete member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    What does your FI say when you tell him that the wedding is off because he won't stand up for you to his mother?  Will he consider counseling to help the two of you deal with his mother as a united front?

    He definitely needs to stand up for you, so if he won't then it is best to end the relationship now.

    I'm sorry you are going through this, good luck to you.

  • edited December 2011
    RUN!!

    Honestly... what will happen one day when you are his wife and the mother of his children? He will probably side with the kids and leave you to do all the dirty work. Things will just get worse and worse.

    My friend was in a very similar situation and left him. She is happier then ever because now she is engaged to a guy who stands up for her, respects her AND his mom is awesome to her. If he doesn't stand up for you then he doesn't respect you.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2ba7e1f5-c69f-442f-b511-ba5a34e589eaPost:a8081e23-98d5-4943-8e42-c3bbedb6cd83">Re: Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry) : <strong>Run for the hills. Wedding rings don't come with spines or testicles. Do you really want to be married to somebody who doesn't care about your feelings and refuses to stand up to Mommy?
    </strong>Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    This. There is no way I would marry a man who wouldn't stand up for me to his mom.

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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the suggestions.  He says he is standing up to her, because he argues with her when I am around.  But when I am not in same room, he takes her side.  I just don't feel like this will ever work out. 
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2ba7e1f5-c69f-442f-b511-ba5a34e589eaPost:f0fff3e5-1297-4f23-9b06-0a00ae09c2b8">Re: Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the suggestions.  He says he is standing up to her, because he argues with her when I am around.  But when I am not in same room, he takes her side.  <strong>I just don't feel like this will ever work out. 
    </strong>Posted by calliebrooke[/QUOTE]

    You're right, it won't. Be glad you figured this out now.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    This must be very difficult for you to call off the wedding. But you are doing the right thing. A cancelled wedding is better than a divorce or a life with your husband and mil teaming up against you.

    You should probably move on so you can find a partner that will treat you with respect. But if you decide to give fi a chance, go to couples counseling.

    Good luck.
                       
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it's better to have learned this now than down the line.
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  • edited December 2011
    Well... I have spoken to Future Mother in Law, and FH tonight.  MIL has apolgized, after FH has spoken with her.  FH is willing to do couples therapy.  Thanks for everyones help, I hope things get better
  • edited December 2011
    I am so sorry you are going through this.  You definitely need to approach FI saying it has to change or it won't work.  Like others said, consider counseling.  I know it is difficult but if it doesn't change you will regret marrying him.  You don't marry a person, you marry a family and if he doesn't stand up to his mother they are probably close, which means you will probably see her more.  My last bf before FI had that issue and it was what finally broke us up. His mom would make comments about my weight or about me being career driven or coming from a more well off family and it got under my skin every time yet he would never do anything.  In my opinion family has to be a huge deciding factor when choosing a spouse. 
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  • allisonkbyeallisonkbye member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    well if you look at it this way, the marriage is about you and ur FH's relationship, not you and your FMIL's. if she's the only problem, just forget about her. ever watch borat? people don't make jokes about their mother n laws for no reason. its the american way of life - nobody likes mother n laws. not true in every case, but a lot. you don't want to put him in the position to choose over his mom or you. he obviously chose you so just forget about her. it really is as easy done as said. 
  • lanejanelanejane member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm so happy you all talked before calling off the wedding. Good luck and continue to demand respect!
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  • edited December 2011
    I second that....RUN! I was in this situation years ago with a BF and it was ultimately the reason we broke up.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2ba7e1f5-c69f-442f-b511-ba5a34e589eaPost:1f8181d6-b61d-4703-b0b9-0e37eeb5cc54">Re: Future Mother in Law help! (Kinda long sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>well if you look at it this way, the marriage is about you and ur FH's relationship, not you and your FMIL's. if she's the only problem, just forget about her. </strong>ever watch borat? people don't make jokes about their mother n laws for no reason. its the american way of life - nobody likes mother n laws. not true in every case, but a lot. y<strong>ou don't want to put him in the position to choose over his mom or you. he obviously chose you so just forget about her. it really is as easy done as said. </strong>
    Posted by allisonkbye[/QUOTE]
    To be honest I think this is bad advice.  You really shouldn't make life decisions based off of relationship dynamics in a <em>movie</em>.

    A marriage is about you and the FI.  But that's kind of the point.  The FI should be "leaving and cleaving."  Marriage means that the wife comes first, not the mom.  It doesn't mean that a wife and mother-in-law can never get along.  But it does mean that if there is a conflict (which there clearly is in this case), the wife comes FIRST. 

    In the OP's case, it is not all that clear that the FI chose her over the mom.  Saying that you want to be with someone =/= putting them first.

    The OP should not have to be in a position to shrug off dear ol' MIL's disrespect of her.  Part of a husband's job is to man up and not allow that to happen...to stand up for her, and if MIL doesn't take heed, he chooses not to subject himself or his wife to her actions.  That simple.  If he can't do that, that is a huge problem, not one that should be ignored.  Because once you get married, it doesn't get any better from there.

    To the OP.  I'm glad your FI and FMIL came to you in a proper way.  Still seek counseling, though, and make sure that these changes are consistent, and not a way for your FI to have it both ways.  Good luck to you.
  • edited December 2011
    I think you should start the counseling before going back with the wedding. This way if the counseling does not work, you do not have to cancel the wedding again.
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  • Arayx2Arayx2 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I feel like I am watching part of Monster in law, but I say that understanding your situation. I am engaged to a HUGE Momma's boy and have hit some road bumps of my own. When I unexpectedly got pregnant my FI was 25 but about a year from finishing his Bach Degree and she told me to basically get an abortion. It was never even a thought but it ruined our relationship. Now and then I have battles but I refuse to let her win and push me out of his life. I think FMIL's like ours do not like that we are becoming the woman in their lives instead of them. Trust me, its better to get it figured out now if its already bad. Its so much more stressful as a DIL w/ grandbabies! Best of Luck.
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  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. Family is tough..you are right to try and tackle this before actually getting married, and talking with a counselor is a good thing. You two have been together for a long time (longer than many on this board I bet), and I do not feel that this issue is any reason to "run." Your fiance should most definitely stand up for you, and that should be addressed in counseling, but this does not sound like anything that cannot be worked through. Good luck and hang in there. When I get to a point where I want to throttle members of fh's family, or my family for that matter, I remember that we choose eachother...not our families : )
  • edited December 2011
    Have you done pre-wedding councling with your officant/pastor. This can really help, because one of the things they focus on is "cutting the apron strings"

    Also if your FH doesn't like the idea of this (if he is too cool) you can tell him that it is part of the things you need to do to use your officiant.

    Talk to your officiant about this maybe he can help.

    I do agree though, once your married you need to put each other first and your families second because once your married you become a family.

    Also, have you tried to take an open mind with your FMI I know it's hard, I really really struggle with my FH family too, but sometimes we are harder on them, then we need to be. And blow little things out of the water.

    Is his family paying for the wedding? If so then she should have some say,  otherwise the shower is up to your bridemaids to throw for you! She should be considered lucky to be invited lol

    Good luck! I'd hate to see you throw away love.
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