Moms and Maids

how to include fmil in planning

I've always got along quite well with my fmil until ofcourse we got engaged. Now she gives of the vibe that she's unsatisfied of this occasion. I'm not sure if its just she's the mother of boys so its not as momentus I guess. But as I start making plans like the venue, ceremony, etc I feel like she should be involved. But I will in no way force the issue and my fiance doesn't talk much about the wedding in any way. I don't live close to her so I don't know how to approach the issue and involve her. Or atleast find out if she cares to be involved?
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Re: how to include fmil in planning

  • I would just talk to her and see what her interest level is.  Say something like  "there is not obligation, but if you would like to come look at this venue (or whatever event you would want her to be at) you are more than welcome to come along.. ; she may be all for it, she may polietly decline, but at least you tried to get her involved.  I know my mom was all about being involved when my brothers were engaged.  I am having a different situation with my future MIL; I can't really feel her out myself.  When we start doing stuff, I am going to ask if she would like to go and if yes then great I'm happy to include her, but if no, oh well at least I tried!  All MIL's are different.  

  • I'm also in a different boat. FMIL has gone dress shopping with me and she's always among the first people we tell when we make decision, but according to her, we're not including her and FFIL in the process at all, and they feel like we're purposefully keeping them out of it. When in reality, I'm doing most of everything by myself anyway. I met with the photographer, venue, florist, and invitation printer on my own, and the baker, caterer, and musicians are all family, so honestly, for her to say I'm keeping her out of it is a little low. She went dress shopping with me and my mom, and went BM dress shopping with us, and yet I'm keeping her out of things... whatever.

    I say you can offer for her to come along with you one meets and stuff, but if she doesn't jump at it, don't worry too much. For some people, it's just not their thing. But offer them specifics. My mom has been very hands off, but if I ask her to do something with me or for me, she's incredibly helpful. Just offer and see what kind of reaction you get.

  • I agree to ask her if she would like to be involved.  My FMIL had all boys too.  She has gone with us to see a few venues, went with us to our final tastings, and did a few crafty things, as well as throwing me a shower, which she loved doing.  Also, since she had all boys, I've asked her to go with me for my final dress fitting.  She's never had that experience so I invited her to come along.

  • I have the same issue. my fiance and me went to venue and a few months later my parents went with us and surprised us by offering to pay for the wedding. Afterwards we went to his parents and told them, his mother lost it. We have tried to include her but, and I know this might sound selfish, but there are things that I wanted to do wth just my mother. Now three eeks bfre the wedding she is accusing my mother of controlling everything. I know that her son is special to her, but the things I did with my mom, he didn't even come for. I am at my wits end about everything because she has taken all the joy out of theplanning, because I have to always think about what she might say. My advise is to let her know what she can help with and let her know what you are doing on your own, with your fiance or mother so she is not expecting that she will be right next to you at all times. Hope this works out better for you and sorry about the rant.
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  • My fmil doesn't care to be included in planning. It makes me sad, but I think it makes my mom more sad. She was looking forward to doing "mom" things but my fmil has no interest. We are 36 days out and our parents haven't even met yet. It hurts FI but he tells me and my family that his is just anisocial. I've tried to include my fmil, but her and my FI's step dad are moving to florida so they don't even have time to do anything anyway. We did include his parents names on the invites and tried to include them in things, we are figuring they may be hanging back because they are afraid we would ask for money, which we wouldn't. It sucks though, I hope you can figure everything out though!
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