Mom HATES my dads and his family (long)

sjonesbride2b

My parents have been going through a very ugly divorce for over 3 years. They absolutely HATE each other and bring my siblings and I into the middle of everything. Well every since we annouced out engagement my mother has went crazy mad. She wont stop talking about how she hates my father and is going to have a miserable time at my wedding, not only that but shes been trying to tell me NOT to invite my dad and his mom to the wedding and i should skip my father daughter dance. I've sat her down and explained to her that its NOT her wedding and i wont tolerate snarky remarks or gossip during my planning process or at my wedding.....she seems to listen for a second but then carries on! GRR!! Now she said shes throwing my a wedding shower but says my dads mom isnt allowed to come and i think thats unfair! Shes my grandma and its important that she shares this with me. Do I even have a say at who comes to my shower and who doesnt since my moms paying for it all?

sjonesbride2b

Sorry the site sent it before i was done writing. Im trying to edit it now!!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

If your mother is going to hate your father and all of his family - then fine, that's her thing.  If she's not going to be an adult then she's the only one making herself look like a douche.

But she really should be more understanding about you and your wishes.  Maybe she doesn't like your dad and his clan but they have every right to be at your wedding, same as she does.  You two should talk.  Tell her, "I know you hate Dad, and I know that just being around him makes you angry.  But I love him, and it's very important that he and his side of the family are included at my wedding.  I want my whole family there.  Can you please just put aside your personal feelings for one day so I can enjoy my wedding with everyone I love?"

I am so sorry you're going through this.  A friend of mine whose parents divorced were behaving the same way and it made her wedding planning a total nightmare, and the poor girl was a complete wreck about it.  I hope you guys can sort it out!

AutumnFair

Ahh hate, how it can really turn people bitter vindictive monsters. Really, when your mom goes on these negative rants you need to tell your mom to stop or you will leave and then take action if she continues by leaving the room or leaving the house. If you really want your grandmother there you need to tell mom that she will be invited or don't throw the shower (in some regions the MOB are not suppose to host the shower but that beside the point).  So yes you do have some say on what guests can be invited. Your mom needs to realize that she is a grown woman and needs to act like it, the only person that can make herself feel miserable at the wedding is herself, she can easily avoid her ex.

sjonesbride2b

You have a great way of words and I appreciate your input alot. The anger and hatred from them is a really big burdan on me which I shouldnt have to bear. I feel overloaded with things and ontop on this i am trying to make sure everything runs smoothly between the two of them. Im trying to keep them as seperated as possible the day of: rehersal dinner, ceremony, photos, reception. It's just turning into that nightmare im sure your friend can relate to. Im just trying to truck along and figure out easier alernatives...stinks

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I know it stinks.  Totally stinks You should be worrying about your cake, your food, your dress, and all the other wedding details - not worrying about whether or not your parents can hold it together on your wedding day.  It's truly unfortunate and I wish you all the best!

ootmother2

I'm sorry that you're in this situation and I agree that it's totally unfair to you.

I'm former MOB, divorced but not as recently as your parents.  We both put aside our differences for our daughter's wedding and I'm pretty sure everyone was relieved.

FOB's female relatives gave one shower and my relatives gave one as well.  We all thought it best to leave the past in the past but not to act as a united family.


It's not only unfair but pretty poor manners to exclude your grandmother from your shower.  Perhaps that would be a way of getting the message through to her.
Can you try that approach?

GL!

JoyTate1

I feel for you.  My FMIL and FFIL do NOT get along and they have been divorced 25 years.  They will not even look at each other when in the same room.  Adults can be such children sometimes.

I would just sit your mother down and tell her you understand she is hurt and that this is a tough time for her.  (If you validate her feelings up front, it may placate her so she will actually LISTEN to what you want) However, you love both your parents and want everyone you love there on your wedding day.  Tell her you hope she can put this aside and enjoy her daughters marriage to the man she loves.

melissamc2

I would ask her to take a minute to figure out if her hate for your father outweighs her love for you, because that's how it is coming across.  With any luck, that will put it into perspective for her and get her to snap out of this nonsense.

As for the shower...I'd like to think she could get over it long enough to host a party for a few hours, but she may not be able to.  I don't know how large your Father's side of the family is, but in many cases - each family will host a "family" shower.  That way everyone is included, but no awkward situations arise.  I think it's absurd, and that people should be able to celebrate a marriage of someone they all love without throwing their own issues into the mix, but what "should" happen and what "does" happen are often very different things.

Good luck.  I hope it can all work out.

lharri12

If your mom is throwing you a shower, I don't think she really has to invite your grandmother.  I don't blame her for not wanting to invite her ex-mother-in-law.  Maybe someone on your dad's side of the family will throw you a separate shower.  Agree with PPs about everything else, though.

tvermeer

Don't worry. You're not alone. Divorce always makes family events more drama-ful.
My FMIL is acting the same way. She told me I shouldnt invite his dad's side to the wedding.
I wish I could tell you that at some point they'll become totally normal and be supportive and stop acting like a two-year old, but i know i have yet to experience that.