pushy mother in law

kaijasmom

I will be having a MIL that will be thousands of miles away, except once a year, and on our big day.  It is both our first marriage and she has already planned his sisters wedding. I know she will be a problem, she is the kind of person who thinks she needs to be in charge of everything and always have a say on what goes on.  She has already told me I need to change the date, even though it is a special day we picked together.   She smoked in our house after we told her not to several times (did it while we were working) and did my laundry after I told her not to, and when I came home before my FI on her 3rd day at our house she starting crying asking why I hate her and telling me she just wants to "love her baby boy", he is 28 and not been home for 12 years.  So even when I am nice she will think I am rude and ungrateful. I really do want to have a good relationship w/ her but I am soo scared she will ruin something very important to me.  any similar situations out there have imput?

kellya01

When she visits, can you offer to put her up in a hotel room that allows smoking, to get your point across?  I would be personally offended when others think they can smoke IN my house after I've asked them not to... maybe offering to pay for her stay in a hotel would get the point across that you want to visit with her, but she can't smoke in your house. Does that sound mean?  I hope not... but I'm deathly allergic to cigarette smoke, so I guess I might be a special case.

As for doing your laundry... the mom in her probably just thought she was being helpful, I know that's how my mom would be.  Yes, you told her not to, but what she actually heard was more like "You don't need to do my laundry" and immediately her brain jumped to "Oh, I can show her how much I love her and my baby boy!"  

Did she say WHY she wanted you to change the date?  It's just a date, after all, and it will become sentimental as it will become your anniversary day in the future... could you try explaining to her why you and your FI chose the date you did?  Would that help her understand that the date is set?   

ETA: I like PP's suggestion of changing the subject.  If you try normal "reasoning" with her to show her that you've got everything set and don't need her "suggestions," then don't talk about that subject anymore.  Eventually she'll realize that you have made a decision... and she can just be a guest. 

courtney1188

Do not change the date. And FI should be telling her the date is final, not you, because it is his mother. Then stop talking to her about wedding details. If she tells you what she thinks you should do, say, "That's an idea, we'll think about it." Then change the subject. And if she asks about it again later, you can say that while you two liked the idea, you and FI have agreed on X.  If she tries to talk you out of it you can say sorry but we've already made our final decision on that.


And thank your lucky stars that she lives that far away if she's that bad. I also suggest locks on doors for her visits, and your FI having these conversations with her instead of you.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fbdeba0-a343-4f11-b804-2846d8b07b80Post:f2422227-a1e0-491f-9adf-d70877792d71">pushy mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be having a MIL that will be thousands of miles away, except once a year, and on our big day.  It is both our first marriage and she has already planned his sisters wedding. I know she will be a problem, she is the kind of person who thinks she needs to be in charge of everything and always have a say on what goes on.  She has already told me I need to change the date, even though it is a special day we picked together.   She smoked in our house after we told her not to several times (did it while we were working) and did my laundry after I told her not to, and when I came home before my FI on her 3rd day at our house she starting crying asking why I hate her and telling me she just wants to "love her baby boy", he is 28 and not been home for 12 years.  So even when I am nice she will think I am rude and ungrateful. I really do want to have a good relationship w/ her but I am soo scared she will ruin something very important to me.  any similar situations out there have imput?
Posted by kaijasmom[/QUOTE]
If she can't respect the rules of your home, then you and FI together need to refuse to host her.

Don't change the date and don't bring her into the wedding planning.  If you only see her once a year, I don't see how she's going to hijack the planning.  If she tries just say "oh, that's an interesting point to consider."  And then bean dip her.

Referring to it as your "first" marriage is strange.  Are you planning to have others?

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fbdeba0-a343-4f11-b804-2846d8b07b80Post:f2422227-a1e0-491f-9adf-d70877792d71">pushy mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be having a MIL that will be thousands of miles away, except once a year, and on our big day.  It is both our first marriage and she has already planned his sisters wedding. I know she will be a problem, she is the kind of person who thinks she needs to be in charge of everything and always have a say on what goes on.  She has already told me I need to change the date, even though it is a special day we picked together.   She smoked in our house after we told her not to several times (did it while we were working) and did my laundry after I told her not to, and when I came home before my FI on her 3rd day at our house she starting crying asking why I hate her and telling me she just wants to "love her baby boy", he is 28 and not been home for 12 years.  So even when I am nice she will think I am rude and ungrateful. I really do want to have a good relationship w/ her but I am soo scared she will ruin something very important to me.  any similar situations out there have imput?
Posted by kaijasmom[/QUOTE]

If he doesn't know all of this already, your FI needs to handle this.  His mother =  his problem.  If he does know all of this and is doing nothing, this is a problem that will not get better as the years go on.

As for the smoking, I don't care who the person is, they would not be setting foot in my house unsupervised again.  Ever.  Not even to use the bathroom at a 4th of July party.

EDIT:  Also, if you don't want her to have any say in your wedding plans, don't let her contribute a single penny towards it.  Money = Strings.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fbdeba0-a343-4f11-b804-2846d8b07b80Post:f2422227-a1e0-491f-9adf-d70877792d71">pushy mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]I will be having a MIL that will be thousands of miles away, except once a year, and on our big day.  It is both our first marriage and she has already planned his sisters wedding. I know she will be a problem, she is the kind of person who thinks she needs to be in charge of everything and always have a say on what goes on. <strong> She has already told me I need to change the date, even though it is a special day we picked together.   She smoked in our house after we told her not to several times (did it while we were working) and did my laundry after I told her not to, and when I came home before my FI on her 3rd day at our house she starting crying asking why I hate her and telling me she just wants to "love her baby boy", he is 28 and not been home for 12 years.</strong>  So even when I am nice she will think I am rude and ungrateful. I really do want to have a good relationship w/ her but I am soo scared she will ruin something very important to me.  any similar situations out there have imput?
Posted by kaijasmom[/QUOTE]

So what was your FI's response to his mother when she did all these things?

ichellemay1

FI definitely needs to be talking with her.  If he doesn't have boundaries set soon - your marriage will have these same complications.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fbdeba0-a343-4f11-b804-2846d8b07b80Post:efbd5af5-7aea-443b-b3fb-a7daf80069bd">Re: pushy mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]FI definitely needs to be talking with her.  If he doesn't have boundaries set soon - your marriage will have these same complications.
Posted by ichellemay1[/QUOTE]

This exactly. Nip these issues in the butt right now or they will just escalate after you are married. I know you said you are are out of state, but my Mom can be very manipulating and controlling, but she has gotten a lot better bc I have put her in her place nicely. She knows she will not ruin or interfere with my marriage in any way, shape or form. While I love & respect my parents, my new life and priority is my husband.

I think you and your FI need to sit down and have a talk about this so he can have a talk with her ASAP.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fbdeba0-a343-4f11-b804-2846d8b07b80Post:341f84e9-ca0b-4b08-9bb6-3a690ac441ba">Re: pushy mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to pushy mother in law : If he doesn't know all of this already, your FI needs to handle this.  His mother =  his problem.  If he does know all of this and is doing nothing, this is a problem that will not get better as the years go on. As for the smoking, I don't care who the person is, they would not be setting foot in my house unsupervised again.  Ever.  Not even to use the bathroom at a 4th of July party. EDIT:  Also, if you don't want her to have any say in your wedding plans, don't let her contribute a single penny towards it.  Money = Strings.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
.
This....exactly

joiner521

She sounds like one of those helicopter moms. They hover over their children. She needs to cut the umbilical cord. That lady is a control freak. Tell her to marry herself.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fbdeba0-a343-4f11-b804-2846d8b07b80Post:dd958b25-49af-4ccf-8e40-45abd339a82d">Re: pushy mother in law</a>:
[QUOTE]She sounds like one of those helicopter moms. They hover over their children. She needs to cut the umbilical cord. That lady is a control freak. Tell her to marry herself.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

What?

kaijasmom

Lol, no I definately do NOT!  Nervousness maybe?  I guess i was just trying to lay out all the facts.  There is a catagory for "second marriages"  on the site. thanks for asking tho!

As for the rest of the advice, thank you thank you!  It is a relief to know I am not alone on this.   Yes, my FI should be doing more. He is a push over when it comes to her.  She told me once, if you want him to do something you should do it yourself. I laughed because he does stuff for me all the time if I ask.   He just seems spineless when it comes to her, except for the other day she called to tell him we should have his sister and her husband in our wedding party.  They had 7+ ppl in theirs and since mom paid for everything she had him be a groomsmen.  I am having my 3 very best friends and no on else.  He told her no on the spot.  So i was proud of that.  I am going to show him all your responses tonight to show him how serious this is!!

thanks ladies!