MOH being a bit mean :(

Neidy Ayala

So I asked my friend who I've been friends with for years now to be my maid of honor, however, she takes it as a role where she should be criticizing every detail about my wedding (she wanted to change my wedding colors and even went as far as to say my wedding dress was "acceptable" and "surprisingly not too ugly") and even wants to change things so that suit her needs and wants. I don't want to demote her because I think it is rude when you've already asked someone, but she's stressing me out and making me feel horrible even when I keep things in order. I keep asking her that she doesn't have to help me with those things (she doesn't anyway...but she butts in her opinion whenever she wants her opinion to be heard). I don't know what to do and how to handle the situation. I got into a huge fight with her about something petty today and I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Help?

deepcovejackie

Stop sharing wedding details with her. 

Neidy Ayala

What do I do then if she asks? She always asks about progression of the wedding or if I'm doing A, B, C, or D...

dietmountainess

i think you need to be blunt and tell her that you are dreading sharing wedding details with her because she is hurting your feelings and taking the fun out of planning. she might be oblivious to the fact that her strong opinions are hurtful, that you arent just disagreeing with her but you are actually upset. the longer you gloss over the issue the worse it is going to get. she isnt an equal partner in the planning; yes she can help you with details but ultimately she is there to support your decisions for your own special day

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-bit-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fd93b8d-2e42-4a69-ba58-fc11fc09f8a1Post:f3048514-d47b-4a95-972b-45c5fb7f4049">Re: MOH being a bit mean :(</a>:
[QUOTE]What do I do then if she asks? She always asks about progression of the wedding or if I'm doing A, B, C, or D...
Posted by Neidy Ayala[/QUOTE]

Bean Dip her!! 

Her: So have you talked to a caterer?

You:  No.  Have you tried the bean dip.  It's fantastic

You don't engage her in conversation.  Don't bring it up.  If she asks about anything, give a short (preferably one word answer) and then change the subject.  Do this as many times as necessary because eventually she'll stop asking.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-bit-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fd93b8d-2e42-4a69-ba58-fc11fc09f8a1Post:f4189b80-eb23-4749-bdcc-0d49e1c9a764">Re: MOH being a bit mean :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH being a bit mean :( : Bean Dip her!!  Her: So have you talked to a caterer? You:  No.  Have you tried the bean dip.  It's fantastic You don't engage her in conversation.  Don't bring it up.  If she asks about anything, give a short (preferably one word answer) and then change the subject.  Do this as many times as necessary because eventually she'll stop asking.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

This.

jcamm11

If you're going to "bean dip" someone, be prepared to be upfront if they ask you why you keep changing the subject whenever they try to talk about X.

zitiqueen

It's taken care of, thanks for asking.

It's taken care of, thanks for asking.

It's taken care of, thanks for asking.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-bit-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fd93b8d-2e42-4a69-ba58-fc11fc09f8a1Post:f3048514-d47b-4a95-972b-45c5fb7f4049">Re: MOH being a bit mean :(</a>:
[QUOTE]What do I do then if she asks? She always asks about progression of the wedding or if I'm doing A, B, C, or D...
Posted by Neidy Ayala[/QUOTE]

There was a BM in my friend's wedding like that. Eventually the bride had to have a sit down talk with her, tell her that negative comments were not appreciate, that everything was under control, and that she didn't want to talk about the wedding at all with her anymore. Things went really peacefully after that. Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to tell someone that their views are not appreciated and you will no longer be listening to them.

vsgal

My old standby is to say "Hold that thought, I have to go to the bathroom."  When you come back, change the topic.

HiddenPaw

I agree with others' comments about discussing it with your MOH.  After that, if she persists, I don't think it would be rude to ask somebody else to be your MOH, as long as your current one knows that this is the consequence.  It's not fair that she gets to keep raining on your parade AND being MOH.

DNAtime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-bit-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fd93b8d-2e42-4a69-ba58-fc11fc09f8a1Post:c3d738ce-27e5-4f22-b5cb-d0c4f029cf21">Re: MOH being a bit mean :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with others' comments about discussing it with your MOH.  After that, if she persists, <strong>I don't think it would be rude to ask somebody else to be your MOH,</strong> as long as your current one knows that this is the consequence.  It's not fair that she gets to keep raining on your parade AND being MOH.
Posted by HiddenPaw[/QUOTE]

It is extremely rude to replace your MOH, no matter what. 
Your MOH is the nearest and dearest person to you. and you just replace them? I think not. 
Just tell her its taken care of.  And if she asks why you keep changing the subject, just tell her you feel like she is criticizing all the details, so you don't want to talk about it.  (Only if really pressed, though, otherwise just avoid this talk.)

HiddenPaw

Changing your MOH is a really big step.  It shouldn't be done... normally.  The person who is nearest and dearest to you is also the one who is supposed to support you, and if they are really causing a problem and refuse to mend their ways, I think you have a right to get somebody else.  It will cause friction in your relationship, but MOH's actions are doing the same thing.  If she continues to be your MOH, she may become somebody who isn't so near and dear to you because of her actions.

It's a very drastic step, and all of the other things that people have suggested (discussing it with her, avoiding the topic) should definitely be tried first.  But if this person continues to be so painfully negative, I don't think it's unreasonable to make a change.  It's not rude to stop a person from being able to hurt you once you've tried everything else.  I hope your MOH isn't that bad and that the situation can be remedied easily!

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-bit-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2fd93b8d-2e42-4a69-ba58-fc11fc09f8a1Post:c3d738ce-27e5-4f22-b5cb-d0c4f029cf21">Re: MOH being a bit mean :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with others' comments about discussing it with your MOH.  After that, if she persists, I don't think it would be rude to ask somebody else to be your MOH, as long as your current one knows that this is the consequence.  It's not fair that she gets to keep raining on your parade AND being MOH.
Posted by HiddenPaw[/QUOTE]

OP, be aware that kicking out a BM or demoting a MOH is usually a friendship ending move.  Also, if you ask someone to be your second choice MOH, they may feel insulted (I'm good enough to be your best friend when you're in a fight with Ash?)  No offense HiddenPaw, but I don't agree with using BP positions as a leverage point for anything.

Your MOH probably thinks that she's helping you.  Talk to her, and tell her the comments are hurting your feelings.  Tell her it's fine for her to voice her opinion, but after that she has to back off if you don't agree.  If she can't keep her mouth shut, then when she asks you questions, tell her you don't want to talk about the wedding with her because she's just going to bash your taste.

Neidy Ayala

Thank you all!!! I've tried a little bit of everything except avoiding it for the most part. I've tried the following:

1. To stop criticizing. I told her that I haven't asked for her opinion, I only ask her to come with if she WANTS to certain places (i.e. picking out the cake. She said my colors clash horrifically bad and I should let her choose what the cake looks like because she knows more about color).

She also responded as such when I told her: "I just want to feel appreciate because I'm helping you when your family isn't" (the family thing is a completely different topic).

2. When I do ask for her opinion, she goes off on a tangent about other things unrelating (i.e. if she had any ideas for rehearsal places. She said that my fiance's family should be taking care of that, she shouldn't have to deal with, etc.)

I'll stop involving for the most part though and certainly the MOH demotion is a friendship ending move. She's certainly gotten to the extent of that (she's starting to ridicule my religious beliefs and political beliefs as well as insult me for becoming a military wife), however, I still asked her and I'll have stick with my guns too. My wedding's coming up soon and if I don't want anything to do with her afterwards, it's okay.

Thanks ladies! This certainly has helped!

joiner521

Unless you are going to pay her to be your wedding coordinator, I would tell her to step off. She wants this day about  her. She is not the one getting married.

amarinelli1

Be honest & upfront with her.  It is sad that your best friend is making you feel this way.  To me, that isn't how you treat a friend.  Saying to you that your dress is "suprisingly not too ugly" is horrifying & is not what a real friend would do.  She criticizes your religious & political beliefs.  She insults your choice to become a military wife.  She truly does not sound like a real friend.  She is used to treating you badly & getting away with it.  I hope you find the courage to tell her to stop.

One of my good friends has a "BFF" like this.  It is so sad to watch her get stepped on time & again by a "BFF" who uses her & does not value her.  She has tried to talk with her, but she continues to criticize her weight, her hair cut, her choices, etc.  It makes me very sad.

My best wishes for you with all of this.  It is a hard thing to deal with.

heinz11msw

the question is... why does she care to change everything?

is she jealous?

she should't care about colors and what not.

I would be asking her why she cares about such details and why it's so hard for her to support you.