I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)

OPmeetsNY

I need some perspective here and am hoping that there are some moms on this board who can offer some to me....

My FSIL is dating this guy that no one in the family likes. They are young (she just turned 20, he's a few years older) and actually just recently got back together after an ugly break up about eight months ago. He's been a royal jerk to her, in-and-out of the picture, but he is her BF currently and so I have been leading the charge to treat him with civility.

Where I need a different POV/some talking down is this-- my FILs treat this guy and I like we are on the same level. I know that this may come across as bratty, but here it is-- I feel my FILs should treat me, as their only son's soon-to-be wife, differently than their daughter's BF and it drives me nuts that they treat us both the same. My FSIL has been a bit of a brat herself lately and everyone is tip-toeing around her feelings. They are afraid that she will pitch a fit if they treat me any differently than they treat him (esp. b/c they didn't really treat him well in the beginning b/c they didn't like him), so any time I am invited somewhere, they have to invite him. If they pick up a small gift for me, they have to get him one. If we have a "family meeting" about family matters, he has to be included if I am or we are both excluded. I feel like, in feeding into her need for us to validate their relationship, they are diminishing my place in the family.

Simple example of this "same" treatment: We recently celebrated FI's granddad's bday. FMIL asked for the biological grandkids to get in a photo w/ their grandparents. I don't mind being excluded from this at all-- that's completely reasonable to me, especially since granddad is not in good health and this may be the last time everyone is together with him. However, after those photos, FMIL told the BF and I to jump in the photo. Then, FMIL whips out a card FI and I had asked her to get (we were running around like mad doing wedding errands and didn't have time to grab a card) and when grandmom opened it and read it to granddad, it was signed all four of us-- FI, me, FSIL, BF.

To me, it would have been logical to add me for some photos, THEN add BF if they really wanted to include him in some (though I don't really see why they had to-- I'm a month away from being permenant family, this guy has shown no staying power what-so-ever). No one thought ahead to the part where they break up again (a possibility) and then those photos of the extended grandkids (including me) w/ granddad, which are probably the last ones we'll have, will get tossed, all because the BF is in them. And adding the two of them to our card? Really?!

There have been other, more blatant instances of where my feelings are injured in order to assuage FSIL's/BF's feelings, but that was the most recent/simple and the straw-that-broke kind of thing.

I recognize that this is petty, that I probably need to suck it up, etc. But I could really use some perspective. Do I need to be slapped for feeling this way? Can you see where this would hurt my feelings/make me feel like my role in the family is being diminished by treating this guy and I as if we had the same status in the family? Is there a way to talk to FILs about this and not seem like a total brat? Any suggestions for how to take a deep breath and get over it?

hlq2011

I kind of think you're being a little whiny here.  I get the distinction you're making, and I can kind of see being hurt by this, but I think it's something you need to get over.

I wouldn't say a word to your FILs; IF anything, I might say something to FI, and he can decide whether to say something to his parents, but I don't know that I'd even recommend that.  Your FILs are trying to keep the peace the best way they know how.  Be the bigger person, don't bring yourself down to FSIL's level, and move on.

frogurt814

You are being a brat.  Who your future-in-laws choose to include in THEIR family events is totally up to them.

H has one sister, and she and her husband has been around longer than I have. I get that your FSIL's BF is possibly a big douche, but honestly, me being the "newb" to the family, I would be extremely hurt if MIL/FIL asked BIL to be in pics and then add me to a few pics at the end.  Honestly, MIL thinks BIL walks on water so she is way nicer/more accommodating to him then she ever is to me, and it's hurtful.  So you really just need to get over it.

I find it hard to believe that people in the family would throw away pictures of the last party grandpa attended just because FSIL and her BF broke up (if that happens.) 

FutureJilliannD

You say he has no staying power-how do you know? The family doesn't like him, but obviously she does ot she wouldn't be with him.

It seems like you are obsessing over this instead of enjoying what should be happy times. At the end of the day, it is not worth it.

Also, having been the newb to the family before, I'm sure the bf appreciates their efforts. It is akward when someone else has been around so much longer.

OPmeetsNY

I probably am obsessing about it... We haven't thought about/talked about our wedding w/ our in-laws in forever because every time we get together with them, it turns into a therapy session w/ them lamenting about their daughter and her BF and all the drama. Seriously. When FMIL came over to the house to help address invitations, we spend three hours talking about what to do about FSIL before we ever put a pen to an envelope.

I say he has no staying power b/c he's been on-again-off-again for four years now. I realize she likes him-- that's why I advocate for them. Before I came along, they treated him like a second-class citizen. But does that mean that I have to be excluded from family meetings b/c they don't want to include him?

And Frogurt, I'd be furious if your propsed situation happened-- because you are his WIFE. This is where I feel there needs to be a distinction. I was in this position with an ex-- he was the youngest of three and the other two were married. We were together for a year and there were still things in which his SILs were included that I was not-- family functions, certain photos, etc. "Alright everyone, gather round the Christmas tree for a photo! Ok, now one with OPmeetsNY!" And I understood-- I was the girlfriend. I was not family.

And yeah, they have trashed all the pix of BF every time they break up. It's a bit twisted.

But I get that I'm being a bit of a brat. That's why I'm voicing this on the big ole WWW instead of to my FIL's (though FI knows of the situation but says that, until his parents stand up to his sister, things won't be changing). Any advice on how to handle it when it happens?

FutureJilliannD

The pictures thing...maybe try and get pictures of you and FI with everyone you want without sister and bf. For example, at grandpa's bday, just a picture of you and FI and grandpa. That way she can't say you are excluding her bf.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:a2781ea6-e706-45c6-b4da-a2c7bae0124d">I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE] He's been a royal jerk to her, in-and-out of the picture, but he is her BF currently and<em><strong> so I have been leading the charge to treat him with civility. </strong></em>
Posted by OPmeetsNY[/QUOTE]

This the part of your post that I loved. It shows you are respectful and capable of rising above a less than wonderful situation. Very classy. Then what happened?

I am the mother of adults. Your fmil knows that she can't stop her daughter from seeing the jerky boyfriend. If she points out his faults and excludes him from family events, she will cement their relationship. So everyone in the family, including you, is stuck with this unpleasant situation, for the time being.

Stop thinking about this as your fmil giving equal status to you and the jerk. She has confided her feelings to you because she feels she can trust you. That should make you feel good. You have shown a level head in your treatment of the BF. It sounds like you already have the respect of the FILs. Keep it that way : )

DNAtime

I'd say he does have staying power because he's is still around after 4 years.  I think you are coming at this all wrong.  Definitely need to get over it. 

Just start changing the subject when FSIL comes up or leave if it really bothers you.  And if you don't wanted to be treated the same as the other kids (i.e. your own card) you need to do things for yourselves.

vicki0508

I think you're being petty.  As much as you want to be on equal levels with the biological children - you're not.  You're the daughter-in-law, not the daughter.  It's a completely different relationship for a lot of people.

Sure, some MILs treat their DILs exactly like their child.  But some don't, and I think it's a little presumptions to put yourself on the same level as the biological children.

jilld82

I think you need to stop worrying about your FSIL and worry about yourself.  I'm pretty sure it was you who was mad that FIL'S were going to pay for her hotel room the night of the wedding but she threw a fit because she wants her BF with her. Seriously you need to quit being a brat and grow up.  Its gross.

here's her post from earlier.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsil-drama-mayhaps-can-sift-through-bs

Muffin'sMom

I think it was fine to come here and vent, and I completely understand how you feel.  That being said, I also think you know that you have to suck it up and deal with it!  Unfortunately, you don't get to stop people from making bad choices.  Your FMIL obviously believes that if she shows disapproval, her daughter will keep this guy around just to be obstinate. 

I love my husbands brothers and sisters, and most of their husbands...but two of them married people that I really don't want to be around.  I don't get to decide that, and for the sake of family I put on my happy face and make the best of it.  You should too...

courtney1188

I think you need to suck it up and be patient for a month. Because then you'll be married and will then be their DIL, so it will be different. Your wedding isn't far away at all, so just focus on that! You can get pictures of you two and his grandparents without the BF at your wedding.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:884a2dce-14bf-4a41-808c-fba2b9db0a45">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to stop worrying about your FSIL and worry about yourself.  I'm pretty sure it was you who was mad that FIL'S were going to pay for her hotel room the night of the wedding but she threw a fit because she wants her BF with her. Seriously you need to quit being a brat and grow up. <strong> Its gross.</strong> here's her post from earlier. <a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsil-drama-mayhaps-can-sift-through-bs">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsil-drama-mayhaps-can-sift-through-bs</a>
Posted by jilld82[/QUOTE]
100% agree.  Anybody who continues to think this OP is justified is just as nuts as OP.

ETA:  OP - after perusing your post history, you have a shiit ton of posts about your FSIL.  Seriously, butt out and quit being all Judgy McJudgerson about her relationship with her bf.

Habs2Hart

I think you should be happy you are marrying into such a loving and inclusive family.  If your FIL's weren't so inclusive, you may have felt differently about them because they may have treated YOU differently when you were first in the picture.

Your in laws sound like great people who don't hold grudges and have an open house policy, and that they love their children. 

I get the tip-toeing around sisters because I have a sister who you have to tip-toe around, but that doesn't mean you make her feel like her relationships are less important than others. 

jcamm11

I think your FILs are in a world of stress being that their DD is in a relationship with someone they despise.  From their recent behavior of sucking up to the guy, I would say they probably believe they are on the verge of losing their DD.  You or your FI "confronting" them is the WORST thing you could do.  This isn't about you.  Your FILs obviously love you and don't want things to be this way.  This is a hard time for them, and you guys don't need to make it harder by throwing another worry into the mix.  Your feelings are hurt becaure you're taking it personally.  You need to see this for what it is and be 110% understanding.  They will love you even more for it in the end.

mkrupar

OP you are being a petty brat. You should have higher status than him in the family?!? WTH thinks like that?? We've always had BFs/GFs come and go in my family. They're always included even if others are married. I think you're FSIL's boyfriend is a douche and I think you're an even bigger douche for worrying about this crap.

Here's a thought: Focus on your and your FI and your marriage, and the the comings and goings of your FSIL's BF. I think you post more about the two of them than you do about your wedding. It's fvcking ridiculous.

DNAtime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:0c0cb5dd-6a23-4da4-a248-866518478d65">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to suck it up and be patient for a month. Because then you'll <strong>be married and will then be their DIL, so it will be different.</strong> Your wedding isn't far away at all, so just focus on that! You can get pictures of you two and his grandparents without the BF at your wedding.
Posted by courtney1188[/QUOTE]

Don't plan on this.  Just because you are married doesn't mean relationships with your ILs will magially change.  You are never going to be their actual child and you will always be the SO of one of their kids.

I think you need to get over the FSIL, YOU are letter HER run your family relationships. 

lauraf1202

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:51328ce8-2875-4a8b-8a23-3a54d1f165f0">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should be happy you are marrying into such a loving and inclusive family.  If your FIL's weren't so inclusive, you may have felt differently about them because they may have treated YOU differently when you were first in the picture.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

This is very wise.  Also, I think you should shake this idea out of your head that your FILs SHOULD have this tiered relationship system customized just for you.  It seems like people just have "Children/Not Children But Fond of Them".  And you aren't their child... in essence you DO have the same role as FSIL BF.  You are the significant other of one of their children.  You have more staying power than FSIL BF, they like you more than they like him.  But what would it say about them if they diminish him to "elevate" you? 
 

OPmeetsNY

I'm trying desperately to be happy about our wedding, about the life FI and I are starting together. For those purusing my other posts and have noted the plethora of posts about FSIL, you will also notice that I have admitted that this has consumed our lives and have, upon the recommendation of other posters, taken steps to extricate myself from this perpetual, all-consuming drama.

But, like I've mentioned, our wedding has taken a back-seat to everything going on with FSIL. Literally every time I see/talk to my FILs, I have to hear about her drama, their angst, and how it's my problem because out of all of us, "she listens to me/respects my opinion" the most. This is mainly a result of the fact that I reserved judgement on her BF and treated him kindly, despite being prepped by the rest of the family to dislike him. I dislike him all on my own, but as one poster said and from my own experience with a nasty ex, family animosity toward him would and has only resulted in driving her further into his arms.

I, too, have noticed that I come here seeking advice mainly about the drama related to FSIL. I lament that fact. I want desperately to be consumed with the joy of joining my life with the man I love, but he comes as a package deal w/ his family and they make it difficult to escape this craziness. Any advice on how I can extricate myself from being the family therapist and get my life back? EDIT-- Don't get me wrong.... I'm thankful that my FILs trust me enough to confide these concerns with me and I am willing to help but, based largely on the insights I have gotten from posting here, I am recognizing that I need to protect myself and my sanity as well!

Thank you for those who have offered me perspective. It certainly has calmed down the angst I feel currently and I will employ said perspective when this silliness comes up again. Thank you!

And, for the poster(s) who didn't read carefully, I completely understand that I am not on par with my FILs kids. I was upset about being lumped in with a douchebag of a boyfriend of FSIL and missing out on things because of that.

EDIT-- Before anyone misunderstands me, let me just admit that, as the title of this thread suggests, I understand that this is a bit bratty of me to be hurt by equal treatment between myself and FSIL's BF. Thank you for those that can understand why it would hurt my feelings. I also understand, as you've said, that I need to get over it.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:9f91d189-ffe4-441f-8758-6db8bb1b6c0f">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm trying desperately to be happy about our wedding, about the life FI and I are starting together. For those purusing my other posts and have noted the plethora of posts about FSIL, you will also notice that I have admitted that this has consumed our lives and have, upon the recommendation of other posters, taken steps to extricate myself from this perpetual, all-consuming drama. But, like I've mentioned, our wedding has taken a back-seat to everything going on with FSIL. Literally every time I see/talk to my FILs, I have to hear about her drama, their angst, and how it's my problem because out of all of us, "she listens to me/respects my opinion" the most. This is mainly a result of the fact that I reserved judgement on her BF and treated him kindly, despite being prepped by the rest of the family to dislike him. I dislike him all on my own, but as one poster said and from my own experience with a nasty ex, family animosity toward him would and has only resulted in driving her further into his arms. I, too, have noticed that I come here seeking advice mainly about the drama related to FSIL. I lament that fact. I want desperately to be consumed with the joy of joining my life with the man I love, but he comes as a package deal w/ his family and they make it difficult to escape this craziness. Any advice on how I can extricate myself from being the family therapist and get my life back? EDIT-- Don't get me wrong.... I'm thankful that my FILs trust me enough to confide these concerns with me and I am willing to help but, based largely on the insights I have gotten from posting here, I am recognizing that I need to protect myself and my sanity as well! Thank you for those who have offered me perspective. It certainly has calmed down the angst I feel currently and I will employ said perspective when this silliness comes up again. Thank you! And, for the poster(s) who didn't read carefully, I completely understand that I am not on par with my FILs kids.<strong> I was upset about being lumped in with a douchebag of a boyfriend of FSIL and missing out on things because of that.</strong> EDIT-- Before anyone misunderstands me, let me just admit that, as the title of this thread suggests, I understand that this is a bit bratty of me to be hurt by equal treatment between myself and FSIL's BF. Thank you for those that can understand why it would hurt my feelings. I also understand, as you've said, that I need to get over it.
Posted by OPmeetsNY[/QUOTE]

But you're not being left out. He's being included. You seem to have an issue with that.

OPmeetsNY

No, I am upset that I am being excluded from things in order to make things equal. An example is family meetings/discussions-- if it's something they don't want him involved in, both of us have to leave the room. In the example of the photos-- the photos of granddad with all of us will get trashed if they break up.

EDIT-- Though in the case of the gifts, you may be right.... So maybe I don't even understand my own feelings myself. Go figure!

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:5703f28b-6366-4e99-831d-e124d74ba9b7">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I am upset that I am being excluded from things in order to make things equal. An example is family meetings/discussions-- if it's something they don't want him involved in, both of us have to leave the room. In the example of the photos-- the photos of granddad with all of us will get trashed if they break up. EDIT-- Though in the case of the gifts, you may be right.... So maybe I don't even understand my own feelings myself. Go figure!
Posted by OPmeetsNY[/QUOTE]
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be excluded from the "family meetings."  How often do these meetings take place?  It weirded me out in your OP and now you bring it up again. 

OPmeetsNY

Considering the amount of drama currently circulating around the family, not infrequently. It's not always "I'm calling a family meeting" official, but nothing can be an easy fix for my future family-in-law. A lot of things have to be belabored and discussed, usually ABOUT the people being discussed instead of WITH them. Not my MO, so I'm not a fan. But in any case, it makes me feel like crap when I'm treated like an interloper in a family that has always been so welcoming to me.

SirJuliusVonHaast

The family meetings thing definitely sounds a bit rude to me . . . like if I had houseguests over for dinner, I wouldn't suddenly invite 4 out of 6 people for a secret chat in the other room. If they can't discuss it in front of you and the boyfriend, they should discuss it another time when you aren't there waiting awkwardly in the other room. Maybe you could bring this up to FI, like not in a way that makes it about FSIL/BF, but just by saying that it makes you uncomfortable to be left awkwardly in another room while everyone is talking?

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:5703f28b-6366-4e99-831d-e124d74ba9b7">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I am upset that I am being excluded from things in order to make things equal. An example is family meetings/discussions-- if it's something they don't want him involved in, both of us have to leave the room. In the example of the photos-- the photos of granddad with all of us will get trashed if they break up. EDIT-- Though in the case of the gifts, you may be right.... So maybe I don't even understand my own feelings myself. Go figure!
Posted by OPmeetsNY[/QUOTE]

I don't think you should take the exclusion to heart.  You know how they feel about you.  Just wait it out for this whole thing to blow over, you said yourself he's probably not a permanent fixture.

lilmiss_34

I do understand why you'd be upset, but without knowing the bigger incidents, it seems unwarranted for you to be this upset.

Now, I'm going to be a little blunt. Suck it up - for now. Once you get married then you are married into the family and he is only the bf. That will put you 'on a higher level.'

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-probably-being-huge-brat-need-perspectiveadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3057633a-8d85-4f96-839c-1b84359f3157Post:9265a2b8-0426-45ca-9dca-7bf8a942221f">Re: I'm probably being a huge brat... Need some perspective/advice (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I do understand why you'd be upset, but without knowing the bigger incidents, it seems unwarranted for you to be this upset. Now, I'm going to be a little blunt. Suck it up - for now. <strong>Once you get married then you are married into the family and he is only the bf. That will put you 'on a higher level.'
</strong>Posted by lilmiss_34[/QUOTE]

No it doesn't.  You are still not the biological child, you are the son's (married) SO.

OP - your FILs are welcoming whomever their child chooses to love into their family.  How do you know that they were alright with you from the start?  You should count yourself damn lucky to have a FI with such a warm and loving family,

ETA- and if your IRL attitude towards your FSIL's BF (and by extension your FSIL) is the same as what we are seeing here, you are coming off as a total bitch and may be harming any relationship you have with her and maybe your inlaws.  This is her/their daughter you are judging and nobody is going to be okay with that.  At this point, they may be jsut tolerating you and hoping this little attitude passes once the wedding is over. 

bdriley

When family photos came around for FI family (2 months before he proposed) FI stood up to his family saying I deserved to be in the photos too since we were together.  His sister said it'd be easire to agree to if I had a ring on my finger but FI said it wasn't for them to dictate when he propsed.  He said we were a package deal and if I wasn't in the photos then he wasn't going to be either.  You need to get your FI to stick up for you.  You and he are a package deal now that you're engaged.  His family excluding you is only saying to him that they don't trust his choices.  They can't choose in-laws any more than you can and it's not right just because there are more of them to say you aren't family when clearly your FI has decided you ARE.  It's up to the sister to fight for her bf to be included.  Your FI needs tell his family that he won't tolerate you being excluded anymore.  And he needs to make a clear distiction that fiance is a stronger commitment than just boyfriend.  You have a right to be included.  The bf does not yet have that right.

mdd123082

I think you're obsessing over something that is relatively unimportant to your wedding and life specifically- as long as your FILs treat you with respect (being supportive and inclusive, being kind and civil, etc), which in my opinion or just based on the information given, they seem to do- you should just relax and enjoy the special time you have planning your wedding.

In the end, all that will matter is what you & your Fi want, and your relationship with your FIL will thrive if you put a positive, happy focus on the event and try to keep them informed and centered around it in this way. I'm sure that will be true of life after wedding, as well.

Ignore the relationship your FISL has with her dude - unless he's a groomsman (not recommended!) or she's making outrageous demands to walk on eggshells just for him, she & he both seem inconsequential in this instance.

To relax and get over it- I recommend consciously deciding to move forward, literally sleeping on it (a new day is a beautiful thing!), and not looking back.

caitpm

ooooh man. i had the SAME PROBLEM-then after the wedding hubby's parents and sister decided they hated me. months of silent treatment. so i can empathize with your situation. i think (and this is hugely hypocritical of me, i took it VERY VERY personally) that you're letting it bother you too much. they may have had issues with your fsil pointing out that they treat her brother's so(you) better than they treat hers. and while i agree that family status should change when you marry (and for me it changes when a family member gets engaged), they have to figure out how to handle their own dynamic. it's not fair, but as hubby pointed out to me, we are our own family now, but they're still stuck with his sister at home, and having her upset is way worse on a daily basis than being unfair to us. it's not right, but it's how they're choosing to handle it. just stay calm and have a cupcake. or some celery, or cheesecake, or whatever you like best you're not alone! this too shall pass!

lanejane

Your FI's family obviously knows where you stand in the family and seem to respect that. They also probably assume that you are mature enough to deal with playing second-fiddle while they deal with what appears to be an immature child. Right now they are more concerned with keeping their daughter from running into his arms permanently, than hurting your feelings, because as I said before, they're probably assuming you're mature enough to get what's happening. This is not something I would be concerned with and if what you say is right, the bf might not be around that much longer anyway.