Over Bearing MOB

werkhsh

Quick background I recently moved to a different part of the country and am planning my wedding for back in my home town. When I got engaged I said to my mom that I may be asking her to meet with some vendors as I have limited time off for travel this first half of the  year. Seeing as my groom chose a date in prime wedding season we needed to get the ball rolling. The problem is she has gone over kill. I have been asking her to email me the information she gets from our receiption vendor such as the menu and she informed me that she didnt need to send it as she made the food decisions already. My fiance and I didnt even get to see the menu. When I called and asked the venue to send it and they did we choice completely different selections except one entree. She through a hissy fit on the phone that she just wouldnt eat and would starve. The irony is that she loves fish and that is one of the entrees we kept. She apparently now has chosen the cake too. Its hard for me because I understand that she is excited and I do want some input and help but it seems like she thinks this is her wedding and not mine. I have been really upset about this and I just dont know what to do I've tried to talk to her but it just makes her angry with me.

orangecrush32

It's your wedding to plan. I understand that you can't travel there constantly for these decisions, but obviously you can't trust your mother to make the decisions for you since she is disregarding what you and your FI would want. Take the reigns away from your mother and start doing the planning yourself or hire a wedding planner who will be paid to get what you want.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_over-bearing-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:305c8684-0dce-4c34-a581-6925a7744595Post:599948a1-2e98-4f75-9160-168ae3997903">Over Bearing MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Quick background I recently moved to a different part of the country and am planning my wedding for back in my home town. When I got engaged I said to my mom that I may be asking her to meet with some vendors as I have limited time off for travel this first half of the  year. Seeing as my groom chose a date in prime wedding season we needed to get the ball rolling. The problem is she has gone over kill. I have been asking her to email me the information she gets from our receiption vendor such as the menu and she informed me that she didnt need to send it as she made the food decisions already. My fiance and I didnt even get to see the menu. When I called and asked the venue to send it and they did we choice completely different selections except one entree. She through a hissy fit on the phone that she just wouldnt eat and would starve. The irony is that she loves fish and that is one of the entrees we kept. She apparently now has chosen the cake too. Its hard for me because I understand that she is excited and I do want some input and help but it seems like she thinks this is her wedding and not mine. I have been really upset about this and I just dont know what to do I've tried to talk to her but it just makes her angry with me.
Posted by werkhsh[/QUOTE]

Is she paying? If she is then there needs to be better communication and compromise between both of you. If she is not, then you need to tell her that while you appreciate her help she is disregarding what you and your FI want to do and if she keeps going behind your back with making decisions without you then you will just go through a wedding coordinator or do it yourself through phone or email.

SSaltzman87

I'd let the venue know to change the contact number to yours and that under no circumstances should they relay any info to your mom.

I think that's the only way to REALLY have control over your own wedding because it seems like you've already tried talking to her about it and how it makes you feel. I agree that you need to take the reins despite the distance.

aerinpegadrak

I planned my wedding from a distance, it really wasn't that difficult.  I think we required like two trips out there to do things in person, everything else was handled via phone or email.

If your mom isn't paying, stop talking about the wedding with her and change the subject if she does bring it up.  If she is paying, then she gets a say in how the wedding is planned.  (And it's up to her how much of a say she gets.)  If you don't like what she's planning, pretty much your only option is to decline her money.

tldh

SIL planned her entire wedding in Savannah while living in DC.  She relied on online reviews and photos that others had posted of vendor's work. 

Agree that you need to change the contact number with the vendors to yours.  Your mom also needs a serious "come to Jesus" talk here.  She may be part of a generation who didn't get to plan her own wedding because that was mom's job.  My mom was in this generation which is partly why I kept her out of the loop with my plans.  All of her suggestions were for the wedding she didn't get to have.

Summer2011Bride

Yes, who is paying? If she is, my advice is to sit down (or via phone) have ea heart-to-heart with her about your tastes and what some of your ideas are for your wedding day. Hopefully, she will concede to some of your opinions. If not, your only choice is to politely decline her money and pay for it yourself so you can do it your way.

If YOU are paying, change all the vendor contact info to you, don't bring the wedding up with your mother, and if she brings it up, just answer the question she asks and move on.

werkhsh

I would first like to thank everyone for responding in response to who is paying it is being funded by my parents, my grandmother, myself and fiance, his parents, and his grandparents. We are having a large wedding and are both going to be the only children on each side marrying. Everyone seems to be really in tune to making the day about us except her. I already have all the vendors with my contact number. Its just sad she's isnt being malitious atleast I dont think so. She is just overly excited and wants to help but my fiance and I feel we are more then capable of making these decisions. Two of our vendors required an immediate signing on the venue to secure the date since its prime wedding season and so she had to go to fill out the paperwork and just decided to make executive decisions. I know it would be almost best to leave her out of everything but that would devistate her and she has had a rough 3 years (she was extremely ill) I think me telling her Im upset or not telling her or letting her be involved would absolutly devistate her. I am sooo torn.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_over-bearing-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:305c8684-0dce-4c34-a581-6925a7744595Post:17748aa3-3c8d-4669-8506-c9347cfd4a09">Re: Over Bearing MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]I would first like to thank everyone for responding in response to who is paying it is being funded by my parents, my grandmother, myself and fiance, his parents, and his grandparents. We are having a large wedding and are both going to be the only children on each side marrying. Everyone seems to be really in tune to making the day about us except her. I already have all the vendors with my contact number. Its just sad she's isnt being malitious atleast I dont think so. She is just overly excited and wants to help but my fiance and I feel we are more then capable of making these decisions. Two of our vendors required an immediate signing on the venue to secure the date since its prime wedding season and so she had to go to fill out the paperwork and just decided to make executive decisions. I know it would be almost best to leave her out of everything but that would devistate her and she has had a rough 3 years (she was extremely ill) I think me telling her Im upset or not telling her or letting her be involved would absolutly devistate her. I am sooo torn.
Posted by werkhsh[/QUOTE]

I really think an honest conversation of whatever decisions need to be made need be discussed<span style="font-style:italic;"> together</span> before making a final decision shouldn't devastate her. It sounds like she is just overly excited and getting ahead of herself without thinking about what you and your FI may want. Basically when she has a meeting with a vendor, I would tell her that she needs to call, text, or email you before <span style="font-weight:bold;">and</span> after to discuss what needs to be done when she meets the vendor and afterward to see how it went and if anything new needs to be decided. I think keeping constant communication and making sure everything is clear things should go a little more smoothly.  Good luck.

jcamm11

If she's a paying party, she should at least get a vote in some of the decision making.  I think you letting her keep one of the entrees she picked is fair enough.  I agree with PPs that you should try to take control back, but still consult with her before making final decisions, or else you're just doing what she did to you, and you already know how that feels.

bdulli13

I'm planning my wedding in a town I have never been to in a state I have never lived, from my own home 1200 miles and 20 hours away. I get one trip there before the wedding for three days, because I only get 9 vacation days for the year. It can be done, and it can be done without an army of people going to things and tasting things and all that. And believe me, we have so many food restrictions and little "things" it's enough to make anyones head spin. If I can do it, so can you. Promise.

Go to your local board and get recommendations from the women here. They have been super helpful to me so far. Google reviews for different places. So much can be done online now. Vendors can email you files of their work, photos of other weddings they've done, etc. If your mom is paying, she does get a say, but the ultimate decision should be that of you and your fiance. Compromise. Let her pick one entree, and one hors d'ouvre, etc. If she isn't paying, stop talking about it with her and handle it yourself. If you need advice, come back to the TK-- like I said, the ladies are great and a wealth of knowledge!

cmemkes

I am having pretty much the same problem(s) with my MOB and I'm so relieved to see this posting on here. It is so hard because you don't want to upset anyone, but you yourself do not want to be upset either. My mom is really hard to talk to and is very stubborn. I know it seems a little odd, but I sent her an email that was well thought out and I took a lot of time writing it because sometimes we can get into bigger arguements over the phone or in person. I told her exactly how I was feeling and how my fiance was feeling and I just sent it today so I'm waiting for the verdict but she ultimately has to get over it. It is the bride's day and if you're anything like me, you're not a bridezilla who is taking over everything, you just want to be a part of this special day.

I hope everything works out for you,  I understand how hard this situation can be!!!

werkhsh

I talked to her last night. I think there is a missconseption I asked her do meet with two vendors specifically because they required up front contract signing in order to hold the date and my date was the only one open from May 1, 2012 to July 30, 2012 atleast on a Sat. She has made herself an appointed wedding coordinater. Last night when she called I was informed that she felt she could make the flower girl dresses and was looking at patterns. I kinda go upset with her and laid it all out on the table. I just dont think she gets it. I contacted a few coordinators today. I want her to have some say but she is only a part of the big puzzle and no matter what this is mine and my FI's day. Its more important for us to do what is best for us and the rest of our guests then to do things specifically to make her happy.

MairePoppy

tldh has a good point. If she is part of that generation that didn't get to plan her own wedding (as I am), she should be understanding about your feelings. You should be honest with your mom. Just be kind in the way you tell her.  Let her know that you appreciate her help, but feel like she is doing all the fun stuff that you'd like to do.

Since she is contributing to the wedding, try to include her in some things, such as letting her pick out one of the entrees.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_over-bearing-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:305c8684-0dce-4c34-a581-6925a7744595Post:669386a0-4662-4ebc-b033-3b426e792415">Re: Over Bearing MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]tldh has a good point. If she is part of that generation that didn't get to plan her own wedding (as I am), she should be understanding about your feelings. You should be honest with your mom. Just be kind in the way you tell her.  Let her know that you appreciate her help, but feel like she is doing all the fun stuff that you'd like to do. Since she is contributing to the wedding, try to include her in some things, such as letting her pick out one of the entrees.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

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