Backing out as a bridesmaid

jnieman2

A few months ago my roommate from college asked me to be one of her bridesmaids in her December wedding.  I happily accepted.  

The issue-  My fiance is in the army and is currently serving in Afghanistan.  Recently rumors have been going around that the day they are expected to return home is the same day of my friend's December wedding.  He will return to his base in New York (the wedding is in Illinois) and there will be a big ceremony for their return from their one year deployment.  It's important to him and to me that I am there to meet him when he gets off the plane.  I think this is a good enough reason to back out of being a bridesmaid.  Yes? No?

The other issue-  I don't want to say anything to her if I don't actually have to back out, but I won't have a better idea if he really will be coming home them or not for at least another month.  I don't want to leave her hanging at the last minute.  Do I tell her its a possibility now or just wait until I know for sure?  

aerinpegadrak

I would let her know now that it might be a possibility so she can have time to get used to the idea.  A good friend should understand that seeing your fiance for the first time in however long it's been is very important, and won't make you feel bad for your choice.

mysticl

My FI is in the Navy.  I am going to be a BM in wedding that there is a good chance he will be deployed for (he'll be my husband by then).  I just asked him if he would expect me to back out of the wedding to meet his ship if by some fluke it returned on the same day as the wedding.  He said "no" 

There is no easy answer to this question.  The thing about these rumours is that you don't know for sure and the return date can change up to the last minute.  A ship (not my FI) recently returned 2 days early from a deployment because of one of the hurricanes.  I think if I was in your shoes I would still do the wedding and as soon as the reception was over head to the airport for the next flight back to him. 

sylcharpentier

I hope with all my heart that your friend will understand if you back out even if it's at the last minute.  If I was your bride, I would feel really bad keeping your from seeing your fiance.  I would rather have you happy and away than miserable and with me.  Honestly, your head probably won't be in the wedding anyway.
Here's what I would do...  I would explain the situation to her now and tell her that I will be with her every step of the way and thankfully be with her for the big day.  But if I get the call, I will have to call it short.  The more I think about it, the more I'm sure she'll understand.
Good luck with your decision !

[Deleted User]

Be up front with her and hopefully she will understand. Judging from how the military is, it sounds like there is a chance that you could make both. But until you know some more details, I would definitely wait to buy your dress, etc bc most often they are not returnable unless you just back out all together.

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_backing-out-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3097446e-841e-4217-913c-9466e0dd2aa8Post:9ca9a3f5-fbc8-42b5-9aea-30120e9327ac">Re: Backing out as a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I would let her know now that it might be a possibility so she can have time to get used to the idea.  A good friend should understand that seeing your fiance for the first time in however long it's been is very important, and won't make you feel bad for your choice.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  She will probably be disappointed but should totally understand why you would want to be there when your FI gets back!!  Hopefully she will let you know that she understands and hopes for the best.  Maybe you will be lucky and get your FI back early!!

suz62984

I would give her a heads up. This isn't something you should feel guilty about. My brother and FI are military and I would drop anything and everything to go to their homecoming. Yes, she will be disappointed. I just hope she isn't one of the unreasonable bridezillas that occasionally venture to the knot to complain about being dropped for their BM's DH. Just give her the heads up and things will go a little more smoothly I suspect.

Also, YAY for DH coming home!!!!! Congrats! 

marissa_claire

YES - that is a plenty good reason!  My brother was deployed to Iraq twice and I wouldn't have missed those coming home ceremonies for anything in the world.  Aside from getting to see him, the ceremony really does almost provide closure for what you've just gone through being apart and it's really like a new chapter in your life together.  

AerikaAwright

My maid of honor is an actress who is currently auditioning. We both know that if she gets a callback and they want her to start that job before the wedding she won't be there. She's trying her hardest to make it, but I have two maids of honor for that very reason. I am going to support her for this because it's important. Your friend will be very disappointed, but she will totally understand. It's been a year he's home and you need to see him. You won't be able to truly enjoy the wedding anyway. Your heart and mind will be with him. Good luck!!

calindi

Definitely explain it to her now, but let her know that the date could change up until the day before (also let her know not to talk about this situation with anyone - returns have been delayed when it becomes public knowledge when they will return home - avoid spreading this type of gossip as it could cause you to wait longer to see your FI).  Let her know that if it's possible to do both, you'll be by her side, but if you have to choose you're going to want to see your FI.

If she's any kind of friend, she'll understand.