Whose wedding is it anyway?

FutureFroats

I live in Pittsburgh, PA with my fiance, but after we got engaged we decided to have the wedding in my hometown in California.  We made the decision based on the fact that several of my close friends are unemployed and I have some family members who are disabled and cannot travel.  My mom and MOH agreed to help me with all of the planning, including booking the venue.  I've felt helpless ever since.  My MOH is doing a great job researching venues, but she keeps "finding" new places that I've already crossed off my list.  My mother keeps working independently, and even put down a deposit on a place before my MOH could look at it, and without discussing the date with me.  I wanted to have my wedding on a Friday or Sunday to save money, but my mom insists it be on a Saturday "or no one will show up."
I'm so frustrated that I have so little control over my big day.  I know I brought this on myself by planning a wedding in a location far from where I currently live, but does anyone have any suggestions to get more control?

trix1223

Who's paying for the wedding?  That answer has a lot of bearing on my response.

FutureFroats

My fiance and I originally planned to pay for everything ourselves, but have very little money.  My parents offered to pay, so I asked them if they could help pay for the venue, the DJ, and the photographer.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-anyway?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3403f4ce-e083-478c-b2d5-5ac3ff25edbePost:f8bf0ab1-62c0-488f-bd12-84fffa5d4a53">Whose wedding is it anyway?</a>:
[QUOTE]I live in Pittsburgh, PA with my fiance, but after we got engaged we decided to have the wedding in my hometown in California.  We made the decision based on the fact that several of my close friends are unemployed and I have some family members who are disabled and cannot travel.  My mom and MOH agreed to help me with all of the planning, including booking the venue.  I've felt helpless ever since.  My MOH is doing a great job researching venues, but she keeps "finding" new places that I've already crossed off my list.  My mother keeps working independently, and even put down a deposit on a place before my MOH could look at it, and without discussing the date with me.  I wanted to have my wedding on a Friday or Sunday to save money, but my mom insists it be on a Saturday "or no one will show up." I'm so frustrated that I have so little control over my big day.  I know I brought this on myself by planning a wedding in a location far from where I currently live, but does anyone have any suggestions to get more control?
Posted by FutureFroats[/QUOTE]

Basically, you need to talk to mom and get on the same wavelength in terms of what you are wanting. Since she is help paying for the venue and the other items you listed she gets a say in those areas. But if this a disagreement of having your wedding on a non-Saturday you need to explain to her that you are on a tight budget and that people have a choice in attending and the people closest to you will make the effort to be there on a non-Saturday wedding. So basically try to better explain your budget situation with her and your wish to do a non-Saturday wedding.

ootmother2

You can get total control only when you totally pay.

Try talking this out with your mom but bottom line, she who pays, says

sister2groom

If she's paying for the venue, photog and DJ and wants a Saturday, why not just go with Saturday? How much would you have on the caterer/florist by having in on Fri vs Sat (because those are really the main expenses you would have to take care of and pretty much the only other onles that I can think of that would be affected by the say of the week)?

garcias1

I agree that you have to be on the same page as mom since she is paying.  As for MOH, I would avoid talking about wedding related stuff with her right now.  It's really nice of her to help you with wedding planning, but it seems like adding her opinions to the mix is complicating things.  You could ask her to go with your mom to check out a venue once you've agreed on one.  Maybe tell her that you and mom have the venue covered, but ask her to start looking at BM dresses instead (if you think she really wants to help).

mikeynkrib2011

many brides have this same complaint, and i would feel the same way you do right now.

the good news is that you have a wonderful MOH and mom who are doing the research for you.  this type of work usually requires a wedding planner or coordinator when you're planning a wedding from afar.  and instead of having to pay for someone, it sounds like you've got two enthusiastic people at hand.

As for having a say, you need to talk with them right now before this gets out of hand.  The final decisions are up to those who pay, yes, but if you clearly (and kindly) voice your opinion early on your are more likely to be heard throughout the process.
 
You: "Oh, mom and MOH, I'm so thankful that you guys can do all this!  I really appreciate it and know how much hard work it is.  I am really excited for this process, but right now, I feel like I'm in left field because I'm not there.    I've got some great ideas [insert them here] and was hoping I could share them!"

It may take you being the communication instigator.  By proposing ideas, you can get a feel for what their vision is and voice your opinion.

I believe it will all work out.  Chances are, they are really excited and not realizing that they're on wedding overload right now.  It should calm down some!

Also, prioritize the 'wants' you can afford.  Really love the fuschia linens but mom wants zebra print?  Pay for them yourself if possible.  

And lastly, figure out what's really important to you on the big day.  Since you aren't footing the whole bill, this will be a labor of compromise.  And if you don't sweat the small stuff, when you say "Actually, I really want this" your mom will prob be more inclined to lean your way.

Best of luck to you!