another MOH drama post

chris321

Man I wished I would have read all these posts and waited 6 months until the wedding to choose the bridal party!  The only thing I ask from my MOH is that she support me and not stress me out.  She has been the only person stressing me out!  She lives 7 hours away (by plane), moved there right after I got engaged, so I haven't asked anything of her.  Other than to be my friend (implied, I never stated this, maybe I need to).  We have seen each other 3 times over the past year, and every time there has been a huge confrontation...I'm talking yelling and tears from both of us.  She said she resents me for not being friends with one of her friends, she says I'm not validating her feelings about financial issues (I said no problem, don't worry about the bachelorette party), she says I owe her 50 cents because we didn't split the cost of something right down the middle (made her dinner to make up for it, maybe i just should have given her the 50 cents).  It's just all this stupid stupid stuff.  CONSTANTLY.  It's my fault, I didn't know this girl as well as I thought I did.  I am so stressed and upset...losing weight, my hair is starting to fall out.  I feel like I'm just trying to maintain something of a friendship and make it through the wedding, then I have no doubt in my mind that the friendship will fade away.  Advice?  Is that what I should be doing...just wait it out?  My mom is freaking out, saying she shouldn't be the MOH, saying she'll ruin the wedding day...I just feel like that will create more drama.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-moh-drama-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:37cc520c-5b61-4d92-9cf0-bdd51ea99494Post:0861d72f-1760-4620-b508-e7696ce9008e">another MOH drama post</a>:
[QUOTE]Man I wished I would have read all these posts and waited 6 months until the wedding to choose the bridal party!  The only thing I ask from my MOH is that she support me and not stress me out.  She has been the only person stressing me out!  She lives 7 hours away (by plane), moved there right after I got engaged, so I haven't asked anything of her.  Other than to be my friend (implied, I never stated this, maybe I need to).  We have seen each other 3 times over the past year, and every time there has been a huge confrontation...I'm talking yelling and tears from both of us.  She said she resents me for not being friends with one of her friends, she says I'm not validating her feelings about financial issues (I said no problem, don't worry about the bachelorette party), she says I owe her 50 cents because we didn't split the cost of something right down the middle (made her dinner to make up for it, maybe i just should have given her the 50 cents).  It's just all this stupid stupid stuff.  CONSTANTLY.  It's my fault, I didn't know this girl as well as I thought I did.  I am so stressed and upset...losing weight, my hair is starting to fall out.  I feel like I'm just trying to maintain something of a friendship and make it through the wedding, then I have no doubt in my mind that the friendship will fade away.  Advice?  Is that what I should be doing...just wait it out?  My mom is freaking out, saying she shouldn't be the MOH, saying she'll ruin the wedding day...I just feel like that will create more drama.
Posted by chris321[/QUOTE]
Okay, if you're actually losing hair and weight over this, you need a therapist to help you work through this because that's a pretty extreme reaction.  It's more than anything a message board can help you with.<div>
</div><div>While Mom is well-intentioned, she's being a bit melodramatic.  One of the best-kept secrets in wedding planning is that once you see your FI on your wedding day, nothing can ruin it.  Truly--you'll have to take my word on this.  I wouldn't have believed it before I got married, but it's 100% true.  So rest assured your day won't be ruined.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't think the wedding aspect should be touched.  I think you need to see if you can resolve these friendship issues without worrying about the wedding.  Could it be whatever caused her to move that's stressing her out (relationship/work/school)?  I had a roommate once who banged on my door at 2 am because she thought I owed her 75 cents for something--I didn't, but I paid her anyway just to make her go away.  There were lots of incidents like the ones you mention.  Years later my roommate apologized for all her behaviour because she had some serious anxiety and anger issues back then, and that was her way of coping with it.  I wonder if she's just taking something out on you; it's certainly not right, but it's not unheard of.  </div><div>
</div><div>I think you need to try a medium that's unlikely to escalate (like email or letters) where you can take a time out if you don't like what's being said, meditate on what you say before you say it, and do it over a period of time.  Do try to rehabilitate the friendship.  Maybe it's run its course, maybe it's salvageable, but you'll never know until you try.</div>

hlq2011

Please give serious thought to everything Brooke said.  You've described, and I'm speaking from experience, an extreme reaction to these stressors, and it might be worth talking to someone about it.

And I agree with the suggestion that you step back, try to breathe, and consider writing out your feelings carefully, and in a way that's not accusatory.  It sounds like there might be something bigger going on with your friend, and it's just manifesting this way.

Take some time, maybe talk to someone, and try to reach out as a friend, wedding completely set aside, to see if you can't figure out what's really going on here.

LoveMuffins

While your reaction does seem extreme (unless there's even more that you're not sharing), it also sounds like the MOH is being a little extreme and nit-picky about certain things. Is there any way you can have a neutral mutual friend be a mediator?
 
But mostly you need to ask yourself some questions: Is this kind of behavior unusual for this friend? When did this behavior start - after or before she moved? Is she possibly feeling insecure about her position as your friend, now that she lives so far away? And while you don't want to be bridezilla, have you possibly been TOO accomodating? Since you've told her not to worry about the bachlorette party, what financial issues IS she referring to? The bridal shower? Traveling to events? The dress? You've left out a lot of information. You to need to stop stressing, sit down and think about which of her grievances have substance and which don't. If you feel comfortable, ask other mutual friends to tell you honestly where they think both you and she are being unreasonable.

You need to address the grievances which you can fix, and on the ones where she is unreasonable, put your foot down.

lilcassers

My goodness. I am sorry you are going thru this. If you honestly have no intention of being friends with her after the wedding, I would just give her the boot now. You do not need to be more stressed thru the rest of your planning. If you want to keep the friendship then i'm afraid you will have to stick it thru.

You should talk to someone about this. Mutual friend, family, therapist..