I thought it would hurt my feelings.. but..

misslepard10

Ok so my wedding is next September. . and I am one to plan ahead (WAY AHEAD to be exact) for ANYTHING. Well I have been planning this wedding since the day I got engaged. Like I already picked the date out, had the location set, and the reception site picked as well. I've known for years (yes years!) who I wanted to be in my wedding & what part I wanted them to play.

Well my 2 older sisters are supposed to a part of my wedding. My best friend of like 12 years is supposed to be my MAID OF HONOR, my friend for like 8 years who is very dear to me is a bridesmaid, and my sister-in-law is supposed to be a part of my wedding as well.

Just today, I was sitting here writing out things, and decided to write my girls on FB & tell them some things I had planned coming up that they would need to attend if possible.

Well I also listed some things that would be needing to be purchased & I need to know who could do it & who couldn't.

I recieved a txt from my SIL saying she couldnt be a part of my wedding anymore cause she couldn't afford it. (About 2 months ago she was NOT WORKING, and was totally un able to afford to be in her so called best friends wedding, well she ended up being in that wedding anyways, we have planned my wedding for yrs!, and now she cant be in mine.)

So I am at this stand still because. . My oldest sister who has chosen to completely ignore me on any of the dress shopping days I have chosen & has completely blocked me out on the messages I have sent her asking her if she could attend.

I'm just confused as to what I should do & how I should go about just telling her that I no longer want her to be apart of my wedding because she seems to not have time to do anything. . Is that wrong of me? Im just so aggravated. And I hate it. =/ Please help if you can. (Sorry if I confused anyone!)

lisaandcorey

My wedding is in September 2011 also.  Do not ask your sister to step down from your wedding.  You have plenty of time.  Maybe the times you have proposed truly do not work for her.  Why don't you ask her what dates will work best for her.

I can feel your nervous energy via your post.  Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you are getting on your sister's nerves.  Perhaps she is ignoring you because she doesn't want to say anything mean or nasty to you right now.

Also, maybe your FSIL truly can't afford to be in your wedding.  Either that or she no longer wants to be in it.  f she means that much to you, maybe you can offer to pay for her dress (providing your budget will allow it).

My advice to you is to chill out...if I can feel your energy via your post, imagine what the people close to you are feeling.

P.S. - Again, please don't take this the wrong way, but I believe you are walking a fine line between organized and control freak.  Relax and be flexible.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_thought-would-hurt-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:39219217-56bd-4057-bea6-66f10126142fPost:25a1e32f-dd93-462a-bc38-fa94e98ea5ab">I thought it would hurt my feelings.. but..</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so my wedding is next September. . and I am one to plan ahead (WAY AHEAD to be exact) for ANYTHING. Well I have been planning this wedding since the day I got engaged. Like I already picked the date out, had the location set, and the reception site picked as well. I've known for years (yes years!) who I wanted to be in my wedding & <strong>what part I wanted them to play</strong>. Well my 2 older sisters are supposed to a part of my wedding. My best friend of like 12 years is supposed to be my MAID OF HONOR, my friend for like 8 years who is very dear to me is a bridesmaid, and my sister-in-law is supposed to be a part of my wedding as well. <strong>Just today, I was sitting here writing out things, and decided to write my girls on FB & tell them some things I had planned coming up that they would need to attend </strong>if possible. Well I also listed some things that would be needing to be purchased & I need to know who could do it & who couldn't. I recieved a txt from my SIL saying she couldnt be a part of my wedding anymore cause she couldn't afford it. (About 2 months ago she was NOT WORKING, and was totally un able to afford to be in her so called best friends wedding, well she ended up being in that wedding anyways, we have planned my wedding for yrs!, and now she cant be in mine.) So I am at this stand still because. . My oldest sister who has chosen to completely ignore me on any of the dress shopping days I have chosen & has completely blocked me out on the messages I have sent her asking her if she could attend. I'm just confused as to what I should do & how I should go about just telling her that I no longer want her to be apart of my wedding because she seems to not have time to do anything. . Is that wrong of me? Im just so aggravated. And I hate it. =/ Please help if you can. (Sorry if I confused anyone!)
Posted by misslepard10[/QUOTE]

Please don't use purple italicized fonts.  It's hard to read.

You need to step back.  Your wedding is the BIGGEST thing going on in your life right now.  But on nearly everyone else's list, it ranks at about #479.

I am wavering between being amused and appalled by the line about "the part you wanted them to play."  Your wedding is not a theatrical production with parts to play.  Lose that idea please.

I have to tell you~you sound like you're going to wear everyone out.  What could WP possibly have to attend NOW for your wedding?  Answer:  nothing.

 It's too early to dress shop.  It's too early for showers.  It's too early for b-parties.  (And showers, b-parties, and e-parties are not a requirement for WP members, anyway)

Don't go dress shopping for your WP until perhaps April/May.  And seriously, darlin':  relax or you're going to implode by September.

ambermorley

I am also the kind of girl who wants to do everything NOW! It has actually created kind of a bad dynamic with my laid-back fiance lately. My anxiousness is getting in the way of enjoying being engaged. Even my MOH, who is wedding-crazed, gets irritated with my babbling about colors and menus and invitations.

 Since you have so much time still, I suggest you try as hard as you can (and trust me, sister, I know it is HARD), to just step away from the wedding planning. Just for a week. Send your sister a message that has nothing to do with the wedding. Ask her how work is going, or anything as long as it is not wedding related. This stuff can take over our lives and sour relationships and it is just so not worth it. This is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives! Why make it a miserable year leading up to it?

As for the sister in law not being able to afford it - what exactly did you ask them to buy? Is it possible you asked for too much investment? Can you compromise on accessories or find a different dress for less? I'm sure that when she sees you are willing to rearrange your priorities for her, she will be willing to meet you halfway. And again, it isnt worth killing the relationship!

I hope you find a way to make it work and not let wedding planning take over your life. And when you do, let me know how you did it!

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_thought-would-hurt-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:39219217-56bd-4057-bea6-66f10126142fPost:25a1e32f-dd93-462a-bc38-fa94e98ea5ab">I thought it would hurt my feelings.. but..</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so my wedding is next September. . and I am one to plan ahead (WAY AHEAD to be exact) for ANYTHING. Well I have been planning this wedding since the day I got engaged. Like I already picked the date out, had the location set, and the reception site picked as well. I've known for years (yes years!) who I wanted to be in my wedding & what part I wanted them to play. Well my 2 older sisters are supposed to a part of my wedding. My best friend of like 12 years is supposed to be my MAID OF HONOR, my friend for like 8 years who is very dear to me is a bridesmaid, and my sister-in-law is supposed to be a part of my wedding as well. <strong>Just today, I was sitting here writing out things, and decided to write my girls on FB & tell them some things I had planned coming up that they would need to attend if possible. Well I also listed some things that would be needing to be purchased & I need to know who could do it & who couldn't.</strong> I recieved a txt from my SIL saying she couldnt be a part of my wedding anymore cause she couldn't afford it. (About 2 months ago she was NOT WORKING, and was totally un able to afford to be in her so called best friends wedding, well she ended up being in that wedding anyways, we have planned my wedding for yrs!, and now she cant be in mine.) So I am at this stand still because. . My oldest sister who has chosen to completely ignore me on any of the dress shopping days I have chosen & has completely blocked me out on the messages I have sent her asking her if she could attend. I'm just confused as to what I should do & how I should go about just telling her that I no longer want her to be apart of my wedding because she seems to not have time to do anything. . Is that wrong of me? Im just so aggravated. And I hate it. =/ Please help if you can. (Sorry if I confused anyone!)
Posted by misslepard10[/QUOTE]

Ditto PPs.  Also, what could you possibly want your BMs to attend between now and September 2011?    My wedding is a month before yours, and I have nothing for my BMs to attend at this point (and I'm also a Type-A personality in many respects).  Dress shopping for BMs shouldn't be for awhile, and you don't ask for nor plan plan pre-wedding parties.    Maybe chilling out on the wedding juice will help your relationship with your older sister.

Also, did you consult your BMs individually for their budget <em>before</em> choosing dresses?  Being in a wedding shouldn't be "too expensive."  If SIL is out of work, did you look into a less expensive option for her (less expensive dress, consignment stores, eBay or Craigslist)?  Or if she can't even do that, can you afford to cover the dress for her?   

And along this same vein, you can't judge her for being in her best friend's wedding but dropping out of yours.  You never know...she may have received help for affording her best friend's wedding, or alternately her finances may have been different (which may be the case even if she was unemployed then, due to savings and such).  How important is it to you that SIL is in your wedding?

Beachy730

I'm pretty sure your SIL backing out has to do with the fact that you're acting like a bridezilla already, and its 10 months out. 

Would you seriously kick your sister out of your wedding because she didn't answer your messages about dress shopping for a wedding almost a year away?  Hunny, you have your priorities completely whacked.  Your wedding is one day.  ONE DAY.  And I can promise you that it is not nearly as important to anyone else as it is to you.  Not even for your FI.  You have the important stuff planned that you need already (the reception and cereomony sites).  The rest is small details.  Arrange for your BMs to go dress shopping in February or March.  And they have every right to be short on cash at the holidays.  Its extremely rude of you to expect them to shell out money for a dress right now thats only going to sit in the closet for about a year. 

And please, please, please stop reffering to it as "roles to play." 
Well my 2 older sisters are supposed to a part of my wedding. My best friend of like 12 years is supposed to be my MAID OF HONOR, my friend for like 8 years who is very dear to me is a bridesmaid, and my sister-in-law is supposed to be a part of my wedding as well.

Why is everyone "supposed" to be.  Have you asked them already?  Then they are.  Please don't treat your wedding as the social event of the year that everyone should be thrilled to be a part of and being at your beck and call for whatever job you have for them.  Back off, please, for the sake of your relationships with them.  At least give them through the holidays before you start trying to go dress shopping. 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_thought-would-hurt-feelings-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:39219217-56bd-4057-bea6-66f10126142fPost:a8b87d81-e700-4694-ac77-21d519a6003d">Re: I thought it would hurt my feelings.. but..</a>:
[QUOTE]I am also the kind of girl who wants to do everything NOW! It has actually created kind of a bad dynamic with my laid-back fiance lately. My anxiousness is getting in the way of enjoying being engaged. Even my MOH, who is wedding-crazed, gets irritated with my babbling about colors and menus and invitations. 
Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

This is lovely, real world advice as to why you need to calm down.  You're going to start (or in this case, will continue to) alienate people.

It's a wedding and you're excited!  Of course!!  But to everyone else, it's just a party and a happy day in the future.  For now, they have things to do and lives to lead. 

Wait on dresses until after the holidays.  Take a step back from everything and just relax.  Enjoy being engaged.  Remember what the marriage is all about.

marissa_claire

This is insane.  Don't send anyone messages about needing to do things.  The only thing they need to do is show up for the day of.  Everything else is a "make it if you can" scenario.  

I think you owe them an apology from coming off so strong.  I'm sure you have a lot of pride, but you were in the wrong by asking so much of them.  Furthermore, you shouldn't be requiring them to buy things!  Ask them for a budget first, then plan their attire around it.  If their budget is $10, then start hitting Goodwill.  A good bride accommodates her bridesmaids.

To be frank, you're attitude sounds less than pleasing.  I wouldn't want much to do with my sister either if she such a demanding message.

eshaufle

My wedding is also in September 2011.  Like a PP said, I'm also a NOW kind of girl...I have the natural mentality that if I can get something done right now, why not do it.

Luckily, I know that about myself and have kept that in check when it comes to my WP.  The most I've communicated with my WP friends about actual wedding stuff is asked their dress budget.  The girls and I haven't even started shopping yet.  One of my girlfriends who isn't in my WP briefly mentioned something about bachelorette party ideas to me the other day but I totally deferred it to them saying it was their choice.  They had mentioned Vegas and I just said "Let me know what day to buy my plane ticket for then".  That's it.

I think you just need to relax.  I understand the mentality and wanting to get things done.  Use that energy to get things done that won't drive others nuts.  Get everything else planned that you can if you need to release some wedding planning energy. 

It sounds like you got a little wedding planning excited on your WP...I'd apologize to your FSIL and be like "Omg, I'm so sorry I just threw a bunch of things at you.  I was a little over-excited and went so overboard.  I really want you to be standing next to me on my special day and I want to do anything possible to make that happen".  She honestly probably just got shell-shocked when you started listing expenses.  There shouldn't be tons of expected expenses of a WP.  Dress and travel and that's it.

aerinpegadrak

Being in a wedding doesn't have to be expensive.  One of my friends is a broke grad student, and so she didn't spend a dime to be in my wedding.  She already owned a dress that fit my criteria and had nicely coordinating accessories, she did her own makeup, and I paid for everyone's hair.  She had to pay for airfare and hotel, but she lives halfway across the country from me and would have been doing that regardless.  None of the rest of my attendants were exactly well-off and all scattered around the country besides, so no shower or bachelorette.

"Being in a wedding is expensive" is a cop-out.  If you really wanted her up there, you'd do whatever was necessary to make it happen, even if it means bending your perfect vision a bit to accommodate her.

i3rooke

I agree with what everyone is saying. It is hard to not get too caught up with wedding fever. I make a point to take 2 weeks out each month where wedding stuff is not discussed. It not only makes my fI happy, but allows me to live a less stressful life. I also started a wedding email with my bridesmaids that I send each month where I update them on the wedding progress. This way it is out of the way and our conversations can be about stuff we both care about, and not the wedding. It is also nice that if the wedding is talked about it is because they ask and are interested. Be kind to your SIL, you are probably overwhelming her. 

LAK011

Honey, take it from me, I was the exact same way. I've been planning my wedding since I was about 5... I got ridiculously excited, even started a group on FB for my BMs (they're all over the place, so it was the easiest way to get ahold of them all at once...). I ended up driving myself nuts looking at wedding stuff. I got sooo burnt out on wedding planning and I have a feeling you will too. Just take 3 steps back and BREATHE!

Make yourself a time line:

8months out: do this, this and this. And that's it
6months out: do this and this. Done
4months out: etc, etc

That way you're not stressing people out (you and your FI included!) Like PP said, enjoy being engaged!! If you do everything now, you'll get ancy waiting for your wedding to happen!

I think once you calm down, your WP will start to do the same and your wedding planning won't be as tear-filled as it could become.

Amisslis

Please listen to all of the PP. They speak the truth. Also, you should really be enjoying this new stage of your life. Quit being such an anxious and obsessed micro-manager and try living in the moment. Trust me when I tell you that you will have plenty of real concerns to stress out about in future regarding your wedding. If you try to control every aspect of it this far in advance, you will alienate everyone around you and have a real crappy set of memories to look back on. You have ostensibly just committed yourself to spending the rest of your life with the man that you love. Focus on that, accept that not everything will go your way and that you cannot control the actions/thoughts of others, and enjoy this part of your life because it won't happen again.
 Also, that italicized font is ridiculously hard to read.

RMacQueen

If I received a list of things that "needed to be done", especially a year out, I would have dropped out of your wedding too. I would be thinking about what you'd be like closer to the wedding and try to stay far FAR away.