To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!

lcissell3110

My MOH and I have been best friends for 5 years but she seems like she doesnt want to be my MOH. I have booked the venues, mailed out save the dates, picked out the BM dress with my other 2 BMs and the MOH wasn't there for any of it. She always gives some excuse as to why she can't make it. I do not want to hurt her feelings but I need help with invites and favors. My other BMs cant do much as one lives in another state and the other is only 16. Everyone says shes jealous bc her bf of 4 years hasn't proposed yet.... Should I replace her or not???

KatyRoseM

She doesn't have to help with anything, she just has to get the dress and show up.  Don't replace her, its hurtful to her and to whoever you replace her with. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:e012224a-2cd9-48e6-be47-d5a044e80356">To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and I have been best friends for 5 years but she seems like she doesnt want to be my MOH. I have booked the venues, mailed out save the dates, picked out the BM dress with my other 2 BMs and the MOH wasn't there for any of it. She always gives some excuse as to why she can't make it. I do not want to hurt her feelings but I need help with invites and favors. My other BMs cant do much as one lives in another state and the other is only 16. Everyone says shes jealous bc her bf of 4 years hasn't proposed yet.... Should I replace her or not???
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]
You should only replace her if you never want to speak to her again, and if you're okay with anyone who gets wind of the situation talking about how you've gone off the wedding deep end.  Because her job begins and ends with the wedding ceremony, not being your free wedding planner is not a fireable offense.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:e012224a-2cd9-48e6-be47-d5a044e80356">To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and I have been best friends for 5 years but she seems like she doesnt want to be my MOH. I have booked the venues, mailed out save the dates, picked out the BM dress with my other 2 BMs and the MOH wasn't there for any of it. She always gives some excuse as to why she can't make it. I do not want to hurt her feelings but I need help with invites and favors. My other BMs cant do much as one lives in another state and the other is only 16. Everyone says shes jealous bc her bf of 4 years hasn't proposed yet.... Should I replace her or not???
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry but you<strong> can not</strong> ask her to step down along with replacing her. To do so will make you look like a huge bridezilla and will most likely cause your friendship to be over.</div><div>
</div><div>Your BMs do not have to help you with any wedding related that is up to you and your FI. If you can't do all these DIY projects then maybe you need to cut back to what you can do by yourself.</div><div>
</div><div>All any WP member has to do is get the dress, show up the day of the wedding sober, smile, and hold your flowers. Anything beyond that is extra. If she is too busy, then she is too busy. My weekends for the summer has already been filled up, along with a lot of other side projects I have to get done. </div><div>
</div><div>Plus some people aren't into weddings, some people love doing wedding stuff. She might be jealous, but instead promoting wedding stuff, try to minimize it so she doesn't feel like crap because she isn't engaged yet. </div><div>
</div><div>Let her not being interested or doing stuff for <em>your</em> wedding go. It's not her responsibility, you pick bridesmaids to honor your relationship with them, not because they will help you with your wedding stuff. </div>

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Your MOH doesn't need to be there for you when you mail out your STDs or book your venues.  All she needs to do is wear the dress and show up.

It seems to me like you're ready to get rid of her just because she hasn't been able to go dress shopping the same time as the other girls.  That's not really a legit reason for wanting her out.

And replacing anyone in your bridal party is pretty bad form.

Borey*sWifey11

You can't ask her to step down

Here is what the knot says about the role of the MOH


The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package. Here's what's expected:

• Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.
  
• Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).
  
• Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.
  
• Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.
  
• Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.
  
• Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.
  
  
• Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride.
  
• Attend all prewedding parties.
  
• Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).
  
• Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.
  
• See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.
  
• Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.
  
• Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.
  
• Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.
  
• Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.
  
• Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.
  
• Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).
  
• Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.
  
• Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.
  
• Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.
  
• Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.
  
• Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)
  
• Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.
  
• Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.

trix1223

Borey:  That advice is just awful.  It's the result of a wedding website marketer trying to sell their advertiser's products.  It's best completely ignored.

OP:  Here's the reality of a WP.  It doesn't stand for Wedding Planner.  It stands for Wedding Party.   And those are two completely different animals.

Here's what you need to know about Weddng Parties:

Put down the wedding magazines.  Turn off the wedding tv shows.  Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites.  Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble.  Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

Here's the reality:  the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony.  That's it.  Lock, stock, and barrel.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures.  Done and done.

Here's what they DON'T have to do:  help plan and/or execute your wedding.  That includes:  They DON'T have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake.  They DON'T have to go bridal gown shopping .  They DON'T have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs. 

They DON'T have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags.  They DON'T have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around.  They DON'T have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

The DON'T have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons.  They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI). 

Your friend has done NOTHING to warrant being kicked out of the WP and to do so would make you a gold-medalist in the 'zilla Olympics.

Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about.  You'll be happier.  So will your friends.

My last piece of advice:  Print out the following words:  "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL."  Because it's true.  it will also keep you on a smooth path.

GL

 

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, it's best not to take advice from people trying to sell you something.  The Knot doesn't care if the bride is on speaking terms with her friends after the wedding, just as long as she buys as much from them and their advertisers as possible.

CTGirl30

Oh Lord - step away from The Knot's lists of duties!

OP - your friends and MOH / BMs don't need to help you do anything related to your wedding. If you need help with invites and favors, enlist your FI. It's half his wedding, too. And if you can't handle the wedding planning on your own, either scale back to what you can handle or hire a professional planner (someone who gets paid to do these things).  FWIW, I managed to address and assemble all of my own invites and favors just fine. I spread them out over several nights catching up in front of the TV with a glass of a wine so it wasn't such a daunting task.

The key word above is they don't NEED to help you do anything. Now, many friends want to help their friend who's the bride b/c well, it's a nice thing to do if they have the time and interest in doing so. And someone's way more willing to offer to help someone when they're not feeling pressured into it or expected to give up their time.  Is someone a bad friend b/c she's not jumping all over herself to help you stuff envelopes? No. Hell, it's boring.
Does she support your marriage to your FI and will she be standing by you on your wedding day during the ceremony? That's what's important. Step back for a moment - it's easy to let Wedding Brain take over - and realize she was a good enough friend to ask to be MOH - so therefore you probably don't want to lose her, right?

Kicking her out would be terrible. And then to even consider replacing her on top of that is even worse. So my advice - relax on your expectations and enlist help from your FI if you're feeling overwhelming and friends aren't offering to help you. And remember that you two are the people who decided to have a wedding - so it's both of your responsibilty to plan it. No one elses.

deepcovejackie

What everyone except Borey said.  It's time for you to lower your expectations about what your MOH should be doing for you.  If you decided to remove her from the WP, it will be you that looks bad. 

lcissell3110

Thanks girls!!! Everyone has been pressuring me to replace her but I didn't think it would have been right either... I mean she is my best friend!

tldh

Bottom line is that this is your wedding, not hers.  She doesn't have to do a darn thing except show up on time to the ceremony.  If you need help that badly, hire a neighborhood high school kid because believe it or not, the world did not change orbit to revolve around you as soon as you got engaged.  MOHs still have their own lives to lead and FWIW, I've done everything for my wedding including creating and making the invitation suite all by my little lonesome.

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:f9ecfae5-5adf-4dcc-83d4-949f966b2bc8">Re: To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls!!! Everyone has been pressuring me to replace her but I didn't think it would have been right either... I mean she is my best friend!
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]

Thank goodness you came here to ask, then! The people pressuring you to replace her are wrong. And I'd hate to see your friendship end because of something as silly as booting her from the WP because she wasn't helping assemble favors. Remind those people telling you to boot her that Maid of Honor is just that - an honor for your closest friend. It is not a job title. And also - they should really be minding their own business...not saying you are doing this, but don't complain to others that she's not doing enough to help you, etc. That won't help the situation and will only fuel the fire of gossip and negativity.
Hopefully now you can take a step back, realize that she doesn't <em>have</em> to help you with any of the above, and you can look at this with a fresh perspective.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:f9ecfae5-5adf-4dcc-83d4-949f966b2bc8">Re: To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls!!! Everyone has been pressuring me to replace her but I didn't think it would have been right either... I mean she is my best friend!
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]

now I feel bad about my smarta$$ comment.  You posted this while I was writing.  Don't listen to everyone who is pressuring you to do the wrong thing because it really could cost you a lifelong friendship.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:f9ecfae5-5adf-4dcc-83d4-949f966b2bc8">Re: To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls!!! Everyone has been pressuring me to replace her but I didn't think it would have been right either... I mean she is my best friend!
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]


**Bravo!!**

I'm glad we were able to help you out, and that your friendship will be intact after your wedding!

lcissell3110

Yeah I can't believe how much people do not mind their own business when it comes to someones wedding. My MOH is an assistant wedding planner so maybe thats why they think she needs to help more, i dont know. I could really care less about who does what, ive been doing it all anyways. Thanks again for the advice. I agree that booting her is the wrong idea just needed to make sure someone out there agreed since everyone around me clearly does not!

catemeg

These are the real responsibilities of a MOH:

1) Wear the bridesmaid dress (ideally she has some say in it if she's paying for it)
2) Show up
3) Be a friend to the bride
4) Sign the marriage certificate as a witness

The Knot can take that and replace that ridiculous list, because that's much more accurate.

Glad you aren't going to ruin a friendship over this, that's the right move!  Remind all those people giving you that bad advice that booting bridesmaids seems to be a requirement to be on the TV show "Bridezillas".  And you don't want to be a candidate.

Speaking of, anyone see that episode this season where the bride fired one BM and replaced her, then fired that one and gave the dress to the original bridesmaid who she let back into the wedding party, then let the one who bought the dress back into the wedding party, so now the two women were physically fighting over the dress?!  Most ridiculous thing I've ever seen...

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:b206395a-481d-41e1-b040-03a2e8a023f7">Re: To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I can't believe how much people do not mind their own business when it comes to someones wedding. My MOH is an assistant wedding planner so maybe thats why they think she needs to help more, i dont know. I could really care less about who does what, ive been doing it all anyways. Thanks again for the advice. I agree that booting her is the wrong idea just needed to make sure someone out there agreed since everyone around me clearly does not!
Posted by lcissell3110[/QUOTE]<div>
It's always glad to hear someone who knows the true meaning of why they chose their WP.</div><div>
</div><div> I'm sure if I had a certain friend not doing something for me there would be someone to pull, the old "well, she should, shes a BM". I believe wedding magazines or websites that profit from advertising wedding vendors should have a little warning label saying *Warning: Your family/friend may dislike you if you force these duties*. </div>

lcissell3110

cate: I never watch that show but there  was nothing else on the other day and thats the episode I saw! it was a little intense, people get crazy with all the wedding drama and its unnecessary.

saisongbird

BTW, OP - there was NO POINT in editing your post.  You'd already been quoted, so we could see how you felt you needed help with your favors and invites.

bablingbrooke

Yay lcissel!  You won't regret your decision

Kristin789

>>but I need help with invites

If your parents' names are on the top line of the invitation, as the people who are requesting the honour of the guests' presence, then your parents are issuing the invitations.  The invitations are coming from THEM, and THEY make the decisions about the invitations to the event THEY are hosting.

In my case, my mom insisted that since the invitations said that SHE was inviting the guests, then SHE wanted to hand-address each envelope.  I sat with her, and stuffed, sealed, and stamped.  But you shouldn't cut your mom out of something that is clearly HER right to do.

And about someone's reponse post that said that the MOH must sign the wedding certificate as a witness, that's not mandatory.  Our officiant told us that we could have ANYONE who witnessed the ceremony sign the certificate as a witness.  So we had MOB and MOG sign as the witnesses.  They were tickled by this, and we thought it was a nice thing to do.

suz62984

OP: I think you have gotten the right idea about not replacing her; however if you need help with favors or invitations ask your FI. It is his wedding too; and while this may not be the idea of a great time for him, he needs to contribute something if he isn't already.

My FI works a lot and wasn't able to help with invites so I addressed and stuffed them gradually. It went really well and wasn't too overwhelming.

Meltingmel

...Wow.  There are some VERY understanding brides on here.  I'm having Bridesmaid troubles too.  I had sincere expectations when I asked my bridal party to be a part of my wedding.  I gave them a list in the beginning of duties that needed to be done and did become very frustrated when my MOH didn't follow through with any of them. She eventually did - I had to beat around the bush but eventually she got a clue.  Well  - she got a clue when someone not even in our bridal party started planning the bachelorette party (without being asked).  It made her look very very bad and she finally stepped up. 

I think some of these women on here are a little TOO carefree about their bridal party.  Yes, they aren't your slaves.  But you should choose wisely.  I chose my bestest friends ever and ended up replacing a spot twice because I had brides maids not return my calls for months.  I hadn't even asked them to do anything yet!  I just wanted to talk.  Those weren't the women I wanted to stand up for me on my wedding day. 

It is tough - I have cut some friendships already.  I cut them because I wasnt actually even a bridezilla yet - it was incredibly early in my planning - and I could never get a hold of these people.  It was like false advertising.  When I asked them they were so excited and talked about how fun the bach party and bridal shower would be - helped me with ideas - and then just dropped off planet earth.  I'm sorry - but it is an important day and I do need help from them.  That's why I have them.  And it's an HONOR to be standing up for someone at a wedding so some effort should be put in - it doesn't have to be financial - even emotional support is something. 

It has been a difficult road with almost my entire bridal party.  I feel like I'm not expecting hardly anything at all but I feel like a wedding brings true colors out of people.  You know who really cares about you and who doesn't.  And maybe this might be a Bridezilla thing to say but I'm taking names.  My Bridal party will get married someday themselves - they probably wouldn't like getting a taste of their own medicine. 

banana468

Meltingmel, if you handed your BMs and MOH a list of duties, you already were into the bridezilla territory.  People should do those things because they WANT to and not because you've told them you expected it.  Tsk. Tsk.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:22c6264e-cee3-48b3-8960-372d7516b9b2">Re: To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Meltingmel, if you handed your BMs and MOH a list of duties, you already were into the bridezilla territory.  People should do those things because they WANT to and not because you've told them you expected it.  Tsk. Tsk.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I'm not surprised you had so many girls not returning your phone calls. Honestly, I don't think I'd want to help out a bride in any way that acted the way you described.

Often when BMs aren't returning phone calls it means one of two things: 1) the bride is nagging them or 2) they're busy with their own lives.

There's no such thing as being "too carefree" with a BP. If you're planning so much stuff in a wedding that you and your FI can't do it on your own, you're overplanning. It's great to have help, but it is not a duty.

I think it makes you sound like an awful, mean girl with that "subtle" threat you added at the end of your post. Seriously? A taste of their own medecine during their wedding? I'll be surprised if they even stay in contact with you to ask you to be a part of their day with the attitude you have on this.

Also, Meltingmel please don't resurrect 2 month old threads.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replace-moh-nothelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3994d661-48f0-4a1b-a2c3-24a5d45d6290Post:9edfcd68-6a71-47d0-9189-bfa569b8bf66">Re: To replace the MOH or not...HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]...Wow.  There are some VERY understanding brides on here.  I'm having Bridesmaid troubles too.  I had sincere expectations when I asked my bridal party to be a part of my wedding.  I gave them a list in the beginning of duties that needed to be done and did become very frustrated when my MOH didn't follow through with any of them. She eventually did - I had to beat around the bush but eventually she got a clue.  Well  - she got a clue when someone not even in our bridal party started planning the bachelorette party (without being asked).  It made her look very very bad and she finally stepped up.  I think some of these women on here are a little TOO carefree about their bridal party.  Yes, they aren't your slaves.  But you should choose wisely.  I chose my bestest friends ever and ended up replacing a spot twice because I had brides maids not return my calls for months.  I hadn't even asked them to do anything yet!  I just wanted to talk.  Those weren't the women I wanted to stand up for me on my wedding day.  It is tough - I have cut some friendships already.  I cut them because I wasnt actually even a bridezilla yet - it was incredibly early in my planning - and I could never get a hold of these people.  It was like false advertising.  When I asked them they were so excited and talked about how fun the bach party and bridal shower would be - helped me with ideas - and then just dropped off planet earth.  I'm sorry - but it is an important day and I do need help from them.  That's why I have them.  And it's an HONOR to be standing up for someone at a wedding so some effort should be put in - it doesn't have to be financial - even emotional support is something.  It has been a difficult road with almost my entire bridal party.  I feel like I'm not expecting hardly anything at all but I feel like a wedding brings true colors out of people.  You know who really cares about you and who doesn't.  And maybe this might be a Bridezilla thing to say but I'm taking names.  My Bridal party will get married someday themselves - they probably wouldn't like getting a taste of their own medicine. 
Posted by Meltingmel[/QUOTE]

JIC

MrsH8611

girl i am having a version of your problem too.... but after having my own opiions and drama with mine...... i do believe that ....trix1223..... gave teh best advice of them all. I though my MOH would be like everyday telling me how excited she is and how she cant wait to help... but i am wrong. jjuts because she isn;t doingt hat doesnt mean she doesnt care.. its just my expectations are too high because of those damn shows and magazines loll So please take that girls advice. I know im going to!