Feel like FIML is going to let FI down.

i2012do

My FMIL is a nice person, I mean she is kind and loving-- but sometimes, I feel like her priorities are out of order.

In any case, FI moved here two years ago to be with me, 2000 miles from his family.
His parents have not yet come to visit. Because they "cant " afford it. Yet they can afford to fly to vegas to gamble? Whatever.. .thats a non issue but it gives you an idea of this situation.

Instead we spend about $2000 twice a year going to visit them. Which quite honestly, we can't afford either- but its improtant to my fiance. Now that we are saving for a wedding we REALLY cant afford it, so this year he will have to travel alone.

My FMIL in the meantime has offered to pay for the RD and then his entire family is flying out her for the wedding.

but im really nervous. I already have a "back up" plan for the RD. and honestly, I am going to be shocked if his family even flies out here.

His mom alreayd mentioned that we should do some type of cookout out there so that people who cant make it to the wedding can celebrate. which is fine. but i feel like shes already using it as some kind of excuse to not come to our wedding.

I honestly dont know what to do. They are so lax about everything and he just defends them. I think its a. wrong for her to assume we will just use all our wedding funds to fly back and forth to see them ebcause they dont come here and b. annyoing that she doesnt hold her son as a priority over gambling and smoking.

I dont really know what I want for advice here. other than i just want to vent.

I have already established a back up RD plan because im pretty freakin' sure that they will  back out from paying it at the last minute- and i dont need that stress.

She hasnt contributed at all to the wedding. And not that she should, but I mean-- maybe she could send us a Card for congratulations. She doesnt even have to spend a dollar, she can send us an "ecard" to congratulate us.

I asked her for a guest list 3 months ago, and have followed up numerous times. She hasnt sent anything along.

im just getting aggravated. My fiance pretends it doesnt hurt. but i know it does.

lilianne22

If you aren't getting married until 2012 you are worrying about all of this way too soon.  You don't need a guest list yet (which might be why she hasn't sent it).  STD's don't even need to go out for a year.  I think you should just enjoy being engaged and start thinking about all this closer to your wedding date.

kgrollmus

I understand how you feel.  My FMIL lets my FI down quite frequently.  His sister got married in July (we are getting married in Sept.) and everything leading up to July was "wedding wedding wedding".  Now that our wedding is coming up you never hear her talk about it.  They paid for his sister's wedding, and offered to pay for our RD (my parents are paying for our wedding), but all they do is complain to him about how much it is going to cost (they offered to pay and chose the venue, so not sure why they are complaning).  A close family friend also gave them $600 (holy cow) to put toward the dinner (will probably exceed the cost of the whole thing).  Meanwhile they go on two week trips to South Dakota to gamble and go to $100 concerts 3 nights a week out there. 

I can just tell that he is disappointed that she always sides with his sister and doesn't show him any attention.

i2012do

I need a guest list so I know an approx. number of people- so i know how big of a space to get. Its very tough to get places here in RI, there are very few nice places, and they are high in demand- I am trying to save money by locking in my prices now for 2010 instead of 2012 prices...

it would be nice to know if they are inviting 20 people or 120.

thats besides the point

i2012do

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_feel-like-fiml-going-let-fi-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ab35aee-f1dc-4ccf-a6c5-6ccd15a1710ePost:b37f439b-86c5-4cd1-b3a2-64afede171ee">Re: Feel like FIML is going to let FI down.</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand how you feel.  My FMIL lets my FI down quite frequently.  His sister got married in July (we are getting married in Sept.) and everything leading up to July was "wedding wedding wedding".  Now that our wedding is coming up you never hear her talk about it.  They paid for his sister's wedding, and offered to pay for our RD (my parents are paying for our wedding), but all they do is complain to him about how much it is going to cost (they offered to pay and chose the venue, so not sure why they are complaning).  A close family friend also gave them $600 (holy cow) to put toward the dinner (will probably exceed the cost of the whole thing).  Meanwhile they go on two week trips to South Dakota to gamble and go to $100 concerts 3 nights a week out there.  I can just tell that he is disappointed that she always sides with his sister and doesn't show him any attention.
Posted by kgrollmus[/QUOTE]

Have you said anything to your fiance? Does he feel hurt-- i feel like I say something to him, I am being a bytch to bring up "family issues" like its not my place.

its such a hard situation

Muffin'sMom

Family dynamics are different, and you really can't judge the differences.  If this is the way they function, then it is what it is.  All you can do is wait and see...

MairePoppy

They get to spend their money however they wish. And so do you. If you can't afford to fly out to visit them, then you can't. And you shouldn't be resentful of them going to Vegas.

With 2 years to go before your wedding, I can see why your FMIL doesn't think the guest list is a priority. You and fi should figure out how many you can afford to host and that will determine the number of guests she gets to invite. With that estimate, you should be able to find a venue.

A back up plan for the RD is a great idea, if that's going to make you feel more secure. But you should follow your fi's lead on that. It's way too early to start planning that. Give your ILs a chance.Relax.

aerinpegadrak

Surely you don't need an exact guest list yet?  I understand wanting to figure out how large your wedding is going to be, but surely just a ballpark figure of how many invitations she thinks she'll need would be sufficient.  I would just have your FI (not you) tell her one more time that you need a rough guest list (or even just a reasonable number) by X date, after which point she won't be able to make further additions.  Then, if she doesn't deliver, your FI can be the one to determine the guest list for his side of the family, and you can determine how many wild card invitations you're allotting her.

You know how she is.  She's not going to change.  Rather than griping about it, work around her.

Though I have to say, I'd be really, really hesitant to book venues and vendors two years out.  I know you're trying to secure better pricing, but what if you drastically change your mind?  What if one of you loses your job or has to go to the hospital or totals your car or something, and the money you were saving for the wedding has to go to another purpose?  What if one of your vendors goes out of business and you lose your deposit?  You'd be much better off waiting until you get closer to start booking things.  So much can change in two years, you don't want to be stuck.  The amount you'd be saving over annual price increases doesn't nearly outweigh the risk you're taking.

kgrollmus

Have you said anything to your fiance? Does he feel hurt-- i feel like I say something to him, I am being a bytch to bring up "family issues" like its not my place.

its such a hard situation


I have asked him, actually, he has brought it up more than I have had to ask him but he tries to play mr. tough guy and pretend like it doesn't bother him too much.  Its one of those things where he brushes it off because thats how it has always been, he just questions the situation outloud.  When he tries to address it with his family he ends up getting more frustrated so he just moves on with life.

i2012do

I guess I should have said "guess estimate" isntead of guest list.

But shes no help. It doesnt matter. she told me weddings are "frivilous". Ive dreamed of a wedding my entire life, its not frivilous to me- she doesnt even appreciate my opinion.

I guess that she is going to alientate her son, because eventually he isnt going to be able to use money to go see them anymore --- because we want to save for a new house etc. and we're going to have to cut out $800 flights to see his parents.. and hotels rooms because they dont allow us to sleep at their house.

its just hard. someone mentioned "family dynamics" and they hit it on the head--  i mean i guess coming from a home where my parents flew all over the world to see me when i was travling after college-- does not mean someone elses family will travel to see them- -even on their wedding. or in their new home, its just different.. .and it is what it is

in regards to the guest list, my mother was hoping to send out an engagement annoucnement rather soon

and in my area venues book up 3 years out. Most places are 50% booked for 2012 so it is necessary I do it asap.

dianenjnj

frankly, i think you need to cool it.  you have plenty of time...no need to be concerned about a rehearsal dinner now.

there's simply no need for you to accompany him on every family visit.  further, how your future in laws spend whatever resources they have is none of your business.

did you ever think that perhaps they are hoping that their son would visit them alone...i know, but that's how parents are...you are not married yet don't get your self in an uproar needlessly.

i2012do

did you ever think that perhaps they are hoping that their son would visit them alone...i know, but that's how parents are...you are not married yet don't get your self in an uproar needlessly."

Yes, he does visit them alone. They request i am there for holidays.