Her dress or mine???

Collie15

my soon to me m-i-L paid for half of the dress i wanted because we were having a destination wedding. drama went down, she canceled her part in paying for the wedding, now i cant afford to pay for the over priced dress. i found a dress i adore, i want it, so i bought it. things were said about the previous dress about me looking like a skeleton in my dress, im pretty skinny. but no need to be in sulted. it killed it for me. now comes to find out my mother in law had said that if we BETTER NOT let the dress go. we're sorta banking on her helping with the wedding but i cant let her run my life. i felt so ugly in this dress after that statement, i couldnt get it out of my head everytime i looked at pictures i wanted to puke or cry.. i feel like i have to wear her dress because she'll be happy BUT i've already canceled the dress.... : / i mine my fiance loves mine. i know thats whats best but whats worth the drama? im truely worriede about WW3.. any advice? someone?

lilianne22

That was super hard to read....

From what I could understand though you already bought a dress that you and your FI love, so wear it. 

trix1223

Ttry paragraphs and sentences.  That was pretty hard to figure out.

If I did understand it: 

#1: your FMIL offered to pay for 1/2 of your dress.  Then she cancelled her offer.  Then she said you'd better not let the dress go.  (That doesn't make any sense at all to me.)

#2:  You cancelled the dress you said you wanted, you say you love it, but also say you felt so ugly in it that everytime you look at yourself in it you want to cry or puke.  (That doesn't make any sense at all to me either.)

#3:  You can't afford a wedding without her help.  (That doesn't make any sense at all to me either.)

My advice:
 Plan the wedding that you can afford to pay for yourself.  If you're hoping that she'll help out, you have the potential to be sorely disappointed if she doesn't.  OR you'll be in financial trouble if she doesn't.  OR you'll be finding that there are a ton of strings attached to the money.

My advice:  decide on a wedding budget and plan your wedding based on what you can afford. 

Decide if you  do in fact love the dress and if you can afford it, buy it yourself.  If you'll cry or puke as you walk down the aisle because you don't like the dress, don't buy it.  Buy one you like and can afford.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_her-dress-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ae86d65-bcbe-477d-a00c-c8200af2ec1dPost:718a6a21-7557-47fa-bfeb-17a8d722c1d4">Her dress or mine???</a>:
[QUOTE]my soon to me m-i-L paid for half of the dress i wanted because we were having a destination wedding. drama went down, she canceled her part in paying for the wedding, now i cant afford to pay for the over priced dress. i found a dress i adore, i want it, so i bought it. things were said about the previous dress about me looking like a skeleton in my dress, im pretty skinny. but no need to be in sulted. it killed it for me. now comes to find out my mother in law had said that if we BETTER NOT let the dress go. we're sorta banking on her helping with the wedding but i cant let her run my life. i felt so ugly in this dress after that statement, i couldnt get it out of my head everytime i looked at pictures i wanted to puke or cry.. i feel like i have to wear her dress because she'll be happy BUT i've already canceled the dress.... : / i <3 <3 mine my fiance loves mine. i know thats whats best but whats worth the drama? im truely worriede about WW3.. any advice? someone?
Posted by Collie15[/QUOTE]

Collie15

sorry i was a little emotional.

she was going to buy a dress for me, and paid for half. got mad at me then decided not to pay for anything including the wedding dress and the wedding. Comments were made about my weight and that i was skeleton like in my dress. it was too insulting for me. i couldnt look at myself in it anymore, without seeing bones and ugliness.

my fiance and i went and looked at more affordable dresses and found one that i adore. and can afford. we purchased it. now i find out that if i was to cancel the dress that was purchased for me from my mother in law there will be an issue.

Im not happy in it. your dress hsould make you feel beautiful, no one shuld tell you anything negative about it once its been purchased, espacially soon to be family. im scared that she'll hate me for being an adult and making the decision to leave that dress and get my own.

we are already taking out a loan for our own wedding and not truely depending on them unless they want to help, but that hasnt happened. i just dont want my wedding day to be ruined because i wore a dress that she did NOT choice.

Am i crazy? did breaking up the paragraphs help? i just want to look and feel beautiful and i do in my dress but i cant have her hate me for the rest of my life, but i cant wear a dress that i feel skeleton-like in and ugly. right?? ive been going crazy.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_her-dress-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ae86d65-bcbe-477d-a00c-c8200af2ec1dPost:dc4fcce1-176c-404a-a4d3-bd94ea69ab61">Re: Her dress or mine???</a>:
[QUOTE]sorry i was a little emotional. she was going to buy a dress for me, and paid for half. got mad at me then decided not to pay for anything including the wedding dress and the wedding. Comments were made about my weight and that i was skeleton like in my dress. it was too insulting for me. i couldnt look at myself in it anymore, without seeing bones and ugliness. my fiance and i went and looked at more affordable dresses and found one that i adore. and can afford. we purchased it. now i find out that if i was to cancel the dress that was purchased for me from my mother in law there will be an issue. Im not happy in it. your dress hsould make you feel beautiful, no one shuld tell you anything negative about it once its been purchased, espacially soon to be family. im scared that she'll hate me for being an adult and making the decision to leave that dress and get my own. we are already taking out a loan for our own wedding and not truely depending on them unless they want to help, but that hasnt happened. i just dont want my wedding day to be ruined because i wore a dress that she did NOT choice. Am i crazy? did breaking up the paragraphs help? :) i just want to look and feel beautiful and i do in my dress but i cant have her hate me for the rest of my life, but i cant wear a dress that i feel skeleton-like in and ugly. right?? ive been going crazy.
Posted by Collie15[/QUOTE]

You're not at all crazy for wanting to wear a dress that you love.

You are crazy to be taking out a loan to pay for a party.  There is absolutely NO reason to go into debt for what is, essentially, nothing more than a party.

If you need to take out a loan to pay for your wedding, it's too extravagant.  Please, please, please.  Talk to any financial advisor.  They will tell you that taking out a loan to pay for a wedding is completely counterproductive. 

You can have a wedding~a nice wedding without having to take out a loan.  Cut your guest list.  Have a lovely cake and punch reception after the ceremony.  Wear the dress you like. 

But taking out a loan is a terrible, terrible idea.  Please reconsider.  Don't start your married life in debt for a PPD party.  Please.

JennaV26

Wear the dress you like. Wouldn't you rather wear a dress you feel beautiful in that your FMIL won't be happy about than wearing a dress you feel horrible in just to satisfy your FMIL (and that's exactly what it is, you won't make her happy, you'll just satisfy her that you're wearing the dress she likes)?

Since you're taking out a loan to pay for the wedding (which I don't agree with for obvious reasons but to each their own) and she isn't paying for it then she has no say in this weddin; also, if you start out your and your FI's life together letting her push you around, it's never going to stop.

marissa_claire

Wait what's the issue with letting the other dress go?  It sounds like she will just lose her deposit, which would be her choice.  I think you should explain to her your beef with that dress (the way you feel in it now that she said those things.) 

And ditto on the PPs.  You need to talk with both your parents and his first thing when planning a wedding to establish a budget.  From there you make a guest list to accommodate that budget.  If you or your FI's parents don't plan on paying, then I would personally put off the wedding until you can afford it.  Do you have a mortgage or student loans?  Because if you don't (and even if you do) taking on additional debt will just set you back when you're wanting more for your life down the road.  My advice would be to just wait and save.  I know we all get anxious when it comes to the wedding business, but you will feel so much better if it comes out of pocket.  

eshaufle

Thanks for clarifying your post...I was having trouble following too.

It sounds like the dress you can afford is the dress that you love.  Sounds like an ideal situation to me. 

As far as the drama goes with letting the other dress go, do you mind elaborating on that a bit?  To me, if your FMIL isn't paying for that dress anymore than she has no right in telling you not to cancel the dress.  There might be more to this story but on the surface it looks like she has no right or reason to cause drama.

lalap69

You're letting your FMIL control your life.  Wear the dress you've already bought that you feel beautiful in.  Plan a wedding that you can afford without her help.  She's already shown that she's willing to pull funds at any time, so it's not like you can depend on her help anyway.  Do you really want to be making choices based on that threat?

And where is your FI in all of this?  His mother insulted you.  If he hasn't said anything, then I'd say your FI problem is bigger than your FMIL problem.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_her-dress-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ae86d65-bcbe-477d-a00c-c8200af2ec1dPost:dc4fcce1-176c-404a-a4d3-bd94ea69ab61">Re: Her dress or mine???</a>:
[QUOTE] we are already taking out a loan for our own wedding and not truely depending on them unless they want to help, but that hasnt happened.
Posted by Collie15[/QUOTE]
I missed this in my first read-through.  Please don't take out a loan for your wedding.  That's not how you want to start your married life.  Check out the Budget Wedding board.  Ladies there have planned fabulous weddings on very, very small budgets!  Figure out what you and your FI can afford without loans and without FMIL's help, then ask the ladies there.  You'll be surprised to find how far your money can go!

Collie15

My FI has stood by me in everyway possible, we've been thru alot with these issues. hes supportive of everything i want.

the  drama started when i fell ill and lost weight drastically (over 6 months) im already skinny but i lost a decent amount not enough to freak out about, enough for me to worry about but not to alert the authorities, but that the kinda drama. we went about 2 months without speaking and if we did there wasnt very nice things said.

we've recently cleared things up.. i still hold the hurtful things close. i didnt want to lose the weight i was ill i couldnt help it. i'll never gain it back. instead of being supportive the way i wished they were i felt attacked. i have never EVER been told i look like a skeleton. so of course girls holds hurtful things close.espically if its from "family"

I wanted my FMIL & FFIL to love me like their own daughter like they claimed prior but those words would never have been said to their own daughters. Maybe it's stupid to hold those feelings but i am. The fight was too much it just held too much in that dress for me i wanted a fresh start to have a fresh life with the love of my life. 

We have decided against the loan, we have lowered our guest list to JUST family and its still semi big.

Thank you girls for listening, its hard to talk to my FI because he just wants me to be happy again and not worry and give me the world. Thank you soooo much you dont understnad how much i value your advice. i actually cry when i get responses.

lisaandcorey

If you wear her dress then it is her wedding.  If you do not wear the dress you love, you will be setting a precedent for your future with your FMIL.

Good for you for not deciding to take the loan!

You must respectfully stand up for yourself and not worry about pleasing her.  If possible, do not take any money from her.

Good luck and cheer up.