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Overbearing BM

amberhansonamberhanson
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in Moms and Maids

How do you deal with a BM that is becoming a little overbearing? It's as though this is her wedding and she wants to run the show. She has already had her wedding and I think she wants to take over the planning of mine. My FI has just about had it with her. She has been complaining about the possible price of a BM dress to my sister the MOH ($79.99) yet she goes and gets a huge tattoo on her forearm (which is another issue itself) and I know they are not cheap since I have a few myself as does my FI. She is trying to take over the shower and the bachlorette party. My mom wants to do the shower and my sister wants to be involved in part of the bachlorette party since she can't be involved in all of it (she's only 16). She
is constatnly asking me all of these questions about this and that and I have told her that I don't know yet. There is more but it could get long and I don't want to write a novel lol. How do I deal with this but not get stressed out and not offend her??

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Re: Overbearing BM

  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    When she makes suggestions, you smile and say "That's an interesting idea.  FI will consider it."  Then consider it and do what you want.

    Did you ask her her budget before choosing dresses?  Because it's possible that $80 plus alterations is too expensive for her.  You should have gotten budget input before choosing anything.

    The tattoo is irrelevant.  I assume you chose her because SHE was important to you, not because of what her arm looked like.

    Stay out of shower/b-party arguments.  If she asks you about them, tell her she'll have to speak with the host, because you're not planning them

    GL.


    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_overbearing-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3bf4a42d-4295-43f9-b3c1-b05b9fc97692Post:107f4406-d860-4f1a-b790-51ae4bc75fc9">Overbearing BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]How do you deal with a BM that is becoming a little overbearing? It's as though this is her wedding and she wants to run the show. She has already had her wedding and I think she wants to take over the planning of mine. My FI has just about had it with her. She has been complaining about the possible price of a BM dress to my sister the MOH ($79.99) yet she goes and gets a huge tattoo on her forearm (which is another issue itself) and I know they are not cheap since I have a few myself as does my FI. She is trying to take over the shower and the bachlorette party. My mom wants to do the shower and my sister wants to be involved in part of the bachlorette party since she can't be involved in all of it (she's only 16). She is constatnly asking me all of these questions about this and that and I have told her that I don't know yet. There is more but it could get long and I don't want to write a novel lol. How do I deal with this but not get stressed out and not offend her??
    Posted by amberhanson[/QUOTE]
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_overbearing-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3bf4a42d-4295-43f9-b3c1-b05b9fc97692Post:107f4406-d860-4f1a-b790-51ae4bc75fc9">Overbearing BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]How do you deal with a BM that is becoming a little overbearing? It's as though this is her wedding and she wants to run the show. She has already had her wedding and I think she wants to take over the planning of mine. My FI has just about had it with her. She has been complaining about the possible price of a BM dress to my sister the MOH ($79.99) yet she goes and gets a huge tattoo on her forearm (which is another issue itself) and I know they are not cheap since I have a few myself as does my FI. She is trying to take over the shower and the bachlorette party. <strong>My mom wants to do the shower</strong> and my sister wants to be involved in part of the bachlorette party since she can't be involved in all of it (she's only 16). She is constatnly asking me all of these questions about this and that and I have told her that I don't know yet. There is more but it could get long and I don't want to write a novel lol. How do I deal with this but not get stressed out and not offend her??
    Posted by amberhanson[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>In many areas, it is considered bad etiquette for mom's to host showers. If she wants to help the BM that wants to host then that's fine. As for the bach party, your sister is old enough to voice her opinion to the other BMs. You need to stay out of it.</div><div>
    </div><div>You should ask what she is comfortable in spending for a dress, not assume. Her spending money on herself and not your wedding should not matter, its her money she can spend it on whatever she wants and you still need to respect that maybe she doesn't want to blow more that X amount on a dress she will never wear again.</div><div>
    </div><div>If you are tired of hearing her opinions then limit the wedding talk around her, and change the subject if she does bring stuff up.</div>
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  • saisongbirdsaisongbird
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    The answer to your question is simple:  Just don't talk to her about the wedding.  Let her know the bare minimum of what she needs to know, and find someone else to gush to.  If she complains about stuff, she complains.  As long as she buys the dress, then she's good to go.  I personally think that $80 for a dress is pretty reasonable, but find out what she doesn't like about the dress.  If her complaints are legitimate, consider them.  If not, ignore them.

    As for the tattoo, it's irrelevant.  You choose people because they're people, not for what they look like.  Would it bother me?  Probably a little.  Would I ever dare to say anything or not choose one of my dearest friends in the world because he/she had a tattoo?  No way.

    Stay out of the shower/bachelorette stuff.  It's not for you to plan.  If you know your mom is planning to host it, this BM can assist your mom, but it's really none of your business.
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  • amberhansonamberhanson
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I guess a lot of the issues I have are how she is talking to my mom and sister. The tattoo thing irritates me only because she is always telling people how she can't afford things but then does things like that. I have no problem helping her with the cost of the dress considering the things I had to do and did for her wedding. As far as when the date of the wedding is-I know it's in September and I have mentioned that it's still a ways aways and we have plenty of time for everything. Why is it considered bad for the mother of the bride to host the shower? My mom and sister, the MOH, are going to throw it jointly. I will follow the advice and say things on a need to know basis for awhile.

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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_overbearing-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3bf4a42d-4295-43f9-b3c1-b05b9fc97692Post:053658bd-25a1-4388-97c5-d0d7dece48e4">Re: Overbearing BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess a lot of the issues I have are how she is talking to my mom and sister. The tattoo thing irritates me only because she is always telling people how she can't afford things but then does things like that. I have no problem helping her with the cost of the dress considering the things I had to do and did for her wedding. As far as when the date of the wedding is-I know it's in September and I have mentioned that it's still a ways aways and we have plenty of time for everything<strong>. Why is it considered bad for the mother of the bride to host the shower? My mom and sister, the MOH, are going to throw it jointly</strong>. I will follow the advice and say things on a need to know basis for awhile.
    Posted by amberhanson[/QUOTE]

    <div>In most areas, if it was only the MOB throwing the shower, people consider it gift grabby but seeing she is jointly doing it with the MOH then that's fine. But once again you need to stay out of it, your mother, sister, and MOH need to handle the BM themselves. They are grown woman and can deal with the overbearing BM, telling her that "they have it covered", but they should compromise on certain things if the BM wants to be included. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for her wedding, you should have spoken up if something bothered you. Weddings aren't tit for tat, but it already sounds like she is being too involve and like you figured out is probably better to keep her on a DL with the wedding talk. </div>
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  • amberhansonamberhanson
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice. I think I am going to just go with the flow on the for now and pick and choose what to talk about. I don't want to know about the parties since thats not my business and I like surprises :)
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't discuss your wedding plans with the BM.  If she tries, change the subject.  As for the dress, you should have asked for her budget first.
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  • SeptemberFall2011SeptemberFall2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hello September Bride!  I too have my wedding this month and I had a similiar situation.  I did the diplomatic thing of this is what we want and our parents are okay with it whenever the bridesmaid I asked shared her thoughts.  What I did was cut her loose.  I know it seems so early (to those who have their weddings before September) but September happens upon us just as quickly as the other months.

    So I say you can either A-not mention the wedding plans, B-tell her your wedding is your wedding and it's turning out perfectly.  or C-ask her to step down.
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  • deb84deb84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    DO NOT LISTEN TO THE LAST POSTER AND ASK HER TO STEP DOWN! Dear God where on earth did that suggestion even come from?! I thought I was too far ahead of myself planning MY Sept 2011 wedding, thank you for making me feel better! HA
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  • JerseyMLJerseyML member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can't really help you on your overbearing BM.  If anyone starts to annoy me when it comes to wedding planning I have my sisters deal with it for me.  I can't be bother with stupidity.  If you can't get her to back off maybe you can get one of the other BM's to tell her to chill.

    In regards to your mom throwing the Bridal Shower.  Blah Blah Blah with the etiquette crap.  Seriously.  Where I come from no one plans the shower except for the MOB w/ help from the girl siblings and maybe aunts/ girl cousins if there are no girl siblings.  I would be damned if anyone told my mother it was "improper" for her to throw me or my sisters the shower.  Who is the queen been who came up with this crap anyway? 
    "Do I look like a killer to you?" "Yes, you kill my patience." -Castle
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_overbearing-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3bf4a42d-4295-43f9-b3c1-b05b9fc97692Post:884d21c4-191b-4471-9b8c-dab6ae387d33">Re: Overbearing BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]In regards to your mom throwing the Bridal Shower.  Blah Blah Blah with the etiquette crap.  Seriously.  Where I come from no one plans the shower except for the MOB w/ help from the girl siblings and maybe aunts/ girl cousins if there are no girl siblings.  I would be damned if anyone told my mother it was "improper" for her to throw me or my sisters the shower.  Who is the queen been who came up with this crap anyway? 
    Posted by JerseyML[/QUOTE]
    The etiquette came from a time where the bride was still living with family before, and possibly after, the wedding.  Additionally, the shower was developed as a way to come up with a dowry for a bride whose parents could not (or would not) provide one.  So it was improper for the MOB, or any immediate relative, to throw a shower for the same reason it's improper for the bride to do so: you don't thow a party for yourself where people bring gifts.

    Since dowries aren't exactly around anymore and most brides are fairly independent by the time they marry (and thus MOB isn't going to see any benefit from any gifts), that rule has gone somewhat by the wayside.  However, many people still consider it inappropriate for any family member of the bride to throw the shower.
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  • JerseyMLJerseyML member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Every culture has a different ways of doing things.  It wasn't until I started getting invited to friends weddings from college and beyond where I found out some people have their WP not family throw them their shower.  I think I will stick to having family run the show.  Its how we do it and its never been a problem.  I think that's why I disagree a lot when it comes to certain etiquette rules.  What is proper in one culture is ass backwards in another.  Maybe its an ethnic thing.  I don't know. 
    "Do I look like a killer to you?" "Yes, you kill my patience." -Castle
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  • CaseyandSalleyCaseyandSalley member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_overbearing-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3bf4a42d-4295-43f9-b3c1-b05b9fc97692Post:2da5da92-23f7-4b22-95b2-045495d9061a">Re: Overbearing BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Overbearing BM : In many areas, it is considered bad etiquette for mom's to host showers. If she wants to help the BM that wants to host then that's fine. As for the bach party, your sister is old enough to voice her opinion to the other BMs. You need to stay out of it. You should ask what she is comfortable in spending for a dress, not assume.

    <strong><font color="#ff0000">Her spending money on herself and not your wedding should not matter, its her money she can spend it on whatever she wants and you still need to respect that maybe she doesn't want to blow more that X amount on a dress she will never wear again.
    </font></strong>
    If you are tired of hearing her opinions then limit the wedding talk around her, and change the subject if she does bring stuff up.
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

     
    I agree, its her money, she can spend it whatever she wants
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  • Soon2BMrsClaySoon2BMrsClay member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_overbearing-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3bf4a42d-4295-43f9-b3c1-b05b9fc97692Post:21511966-3317-48a0-a5ba-304a009f477c">Re: Overbearing BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I say you can either A-not mention the wedding plans, B-tell her your wedding is your wedding and it's turning out perfectly.  or C-ask her to step down.
    Posted by SeptemberFall2011[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div><strong>NO!!! Do not do this!</strong> If you do, you will 100% be losing a close friend.

    </div>
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