Newly Engaged and already have MOH issues...

lnelson1128

I'm very newly engaged (it's only been a week) and I feel like I've already screwed up with my wedding planning.  About 6 months ago or more, I was talking with a my close friend at the time and made a vague reference to her being my MOH.  At the time, although I had been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I didn't realize I'd be engaged in the near future.  Also, my friend and I were much closer.  Since then, she and I have drifted apart.  We've both acknowledged it and we're trying to work on it.  When I told her my boyfriend proposed on Christmas Eve, she immediately made talk of planning my bridal shower and bachelorette party, etc. And while I really appreciate her enthusiam,  I tried to explain to my friend that my wedding is far away and I'm not even thinking about those things yet. I'm looking at having a very small wedding and therefore only having a MOH and no bridesmaids.

 I've been thinking about asking one of my sisters or another close friend, but I don't want to make any decisions yet. My friend has already let me know that she's hurt that she's not part of the planning and feels that my sister (who I'm very close with) is taking over, even though this is not the case.  Basically, from the things my friend has been saying and the way she has been acting (there are more instances), I'm worried that she's going to assume she's my MOH, although she was never "officially" asked. Also, my sister and another friend have already offered to help me with planning the wedding, and I feel that having my friend plan too would be very overwhelming. 

 I realize all of this is mostly my fault from the comment I made months ago about her being my MOH, but I'm not too sure what is the proper protocol here.  Am I obligated to have her as my MOH, even though I wasn't engaged at the time? Or is there a polite way to let her know that she most likely won't be included in my WP? Btw, this is my first post, so I apologize in advance if I haven't done things rights. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_newly-engaged-already-moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3d424a41-eca3-4dce-a92a-a738e9c9b93aPost:ce3a1826-c38c-492c-b698-47da1e6b14ff">Newly Engaged and already have MOH issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm very newly engaged (it's only been a week) and I feel like I've already screwed up with my wedding planning.  About 6 months ago or more,<strong> I was talking with a my close friend at the time and made a vague reference to her being my MOH</strong>.  At the time, although I had been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I didn't realize I'd be engaged in the near future.  Also, my friend and I were much closer.  Since then, she and I have drifted apart.  We've both acknowledged it and we're trying to work on it.  When I told her my boyfriend proposed on Christmas Eve, she immediately made talk of planning my bridal shower and bachelorette party, etc. And while I really appreciate her enthusiam,  I tried to explain to my friend that my wedding is far away and I'm not even thinking about those things yet. I'm looking at having a very small wedding and therefore only having a MOH and no bridesmaids.  I've been thinking about asking one of my sisters or another close friend, but I don't want to make any decisions yet. My friend has already let me know that she's hurt that she's not part of the planning and feels that my sister (who I'm very close with) is taking over, even though this is not the case.  Basically, from the things my friend has been saying and the way she has been acting (there are more instances), I'm worried that she's going to assume she's my MOH, although she was never "officially" asked. Also, my sister and another friend have already offered to help me with planning the wedding, and I feel that having my friend plan too would be very overwhelming.   I realize all of this is mostly my fault from the comment I made months ago about her being my MOH, but I'm not too sure what is the proper protocol here.  Am I obligated to have her as my MOH, even though I wasn't engaged at the time? Or is there a polite way to let her know that she most likely won't be included in my WP? Btw, this is my first post, so I apologize in advance if I haven't done things rights. 
Posted by lnelson1128[/QUOTE]

What exactly was the "vague reference"? Was it something like "Of course you'll be my MOH when we get married!" Because if it was, she's your MOH. Asking her to step down or disinviting her to be your MOH (all ridiculous euphemisms for kicking her out) is a bridezilla and friendship-ending move. You made your bed, now you've gotta lie in it.

This is why we tell brides to wait until 8 months before the wedding to ask their WP. Of course they never listen because OMG, they're like soooo close and gonna be BFFs 4-evah, and then well, read what you wrote and then scan the first few pages of this board and the Wedding Party board to see all the "Can I kick her out" posts.

jagore08

When is your wedding date?  IMO, if you really do plan on having a small wedding and only want a MOH (being your sister) then it's fine.  But if you do include another friend in your WP then you'll have some issues with the other friend.  It's easier to get away with, "Well, FI and I were talking and we decided to only have one person each stand up with us and I can't imagine not having my sister by my side."  

lnelson1128

The "vague reference" was made prior to be getting engaged.  My friend had been telling me that because she was an "Army Brat" she was used to moving and leaving old friends behind and making new friends every few years.  She was saying something along the line that since she's been living in the same place for about a decade, she just changes friends every few years instead.  I made a joke, something like "well, at least I know not to ask you to be my MOH now." Idk I said MOH and not even a BM or something (honestly I had had a few drinks that night).

 I read on the other posts about how wrong it is for a Bride to ask a MOH or BM to step down, but I didn't know if that applied to me, since I never officially asked her once I got engaged, I just made the comment prior to my engagement.  I've also read where Brides had made "promises" to friends that they would be her MOH or BMs well before the engagement, but because their friendships "waned" the Bride wasn't really under an obligation.  However, in those posts, it seems that a couple of years (or at least a lengthy amount of time) went by and in my case it has just been six or seven months since I made the comment.

The wedding is in Fall 2012 and I didn't want to make any planning as far as WP goes until, at the very earliest, Fall 2011.

jagore08

Since your wedding isn't for almost two years I would tell her that you just got engaged and you're not planning anything wedding related until much later on this year.  Leave it at that and if she keeps talking about it just tell her that you don't care to talk about it and change the subject.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_newly-engaged-already-moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3d424a41-eca3-4dce-a92a-a738e9c9b93aPost:eefb9ead-a4ff-46e8-a775-bdcb62e41077">Re: Newly Engaged and already have MOH issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]The "vague reference" was made prior to be getting engaged.  My friend had been telling me that because she was an "Army Brat" she was used to moving and leaving old friends behind and making new friends every few years.  <strong>She was saying something along the line that since she's been living in the same place for about a decade, she just changes friends every few years instead.  I made a joke, something like "well, at least I know not to ask you to be my MOH now."</strong>Idk I said MOH and not even a BM or something (honestly I had had a few drinks that night).  I read on the other posts about how wrong it is for a Bride to ask a MOH or BM to step down, but I didn't know if that applied to me, since I never officially asked her once I got engaged, I just made the comment prior to my engagement.  I've also read where Brides had made "promises" to friends that they would be her MOH or BMs well before the engagement, but because their friendships "waned" the Bride wasn't really under an obligation.  However, in those posts, it seems that a couple of years (or at least a lengthy amount of time) went by and in my case it has just been six or seven months since I made the comment. The wedding is in Fall 2012 and I didn't want to make any planning as far as WP goes until, at the very earliest, Fall 2011.
Posted by lnelson1128[/QUOTE]

It doesn't sound like you asked her then.

Your wedding is two yeas away.  Take the next year and just enjoy being engaged.  You can start quietly scouting sites with your FI and getting ideas so you can get a proper budget set.  Just don't talk about this (honestly with anyone, even your sister.  It will make the planning much much easier).

If your friend won't back off, learn to bean dip: change the subject.  Don't engage her in conversation.  DH and I planned our entire wedding without input from anyone else.  It was exactly what we wanted and completely stress free.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_newly-engaged-already-moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3d424a41-eca3-4dce-a92a-a738e9c9b93aPost:aa35da78-9b97-4944-8fb9-daeae519ac1e">Re: Newly Engaged and already have MOH issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Newly Engaged and already have MOH issues... : It doesn't sound like you asked her then. Your wedding is two yeas away.  Take the next year and just enjoy being engaged.  You can start quietly scouting sites with your FI and getting ideas so you can get a proper budget set.  <strong>Just don't talk about this (honestly with anyone, even your sister.  It will make the planning much much easier).</strong> If your friend won't back off, learn to bean dip: change the subject.  Don't engage her in conversation.  <strong>DH and I planned our entire wedding without input from anyone else. </strong> It was exactly what we wanted and completely stress free.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
I completely agree with this.  We did the same thing and it made life so much easier.  When people asked us about details we just told them that we'd like them to be surprised.  That usually got them to stop asking questions. 

Summer2011Bride

From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you really asked her or even made a suggestion or reference to her actually being MOH.

Take PP's advice and just don't bring it up; change the subject if she does. When the time does roll around to pick your MOH and if it's not her, just explain (if she asks why or anything,, which would be rude if she did, but you never know) that you wanted the honor to go to your sister who you are very close to and you chose to not have any BM's at all.

M&R7111

You know, from the way I read your OP, it might be that your friend is just excited about showers and bachelorette parties and not really assuming she is your MOH.  Anyone can plan and host those events and being a MOH is not a requirement.

I had friends show excitement over showers and bachelorette parties for me when I announced I was engaged, and they aren't even in the wedding party. 

Is there a chance that she's just excited and wants to host these events but doesn't really expect the MOH position?  Has she ever discussed being your MOH specifically, or just talked about the pre-wedding parties? 

barbiegirl25

She should understand that if you choose one person to be your entire wedding party, it should be a close sister. Tell her you decided to keep it in the family. I was in the exact same boat- I made promises to my former best friend that she would be MOH, but she did some things that changed our friendship, and I no longer felt comfortable extending her that invitation, even though she assumed I still would. I told her I decided to keep my wedding party family-only, and she completely understood and is still as excited to help me plan.

graysquirrel

I don't see why she couldn't throw you some kind of shower or party. Just because she isn't your MOH doesn't mean that she can't. I've never seen a rule that says only MOHs can give parties for the bride.
Like pps said, she is probably just excited. Don't talk to her about much wedding stuff and see where things go. You have lots of time and can tell her that you aren't making any major decisions yet to cool her jets.

lnelson1128

Thanks everyone.  I really appreciate your advice! I'm probably overreacting a little, but I know how this particular friend is and she's the kind that would assume she was my MOH.  I really hope not, but I just wanted to be prepared, and also make sure that didn't stick my foot in my mouth with the comment I made to her awhile ago.  I hope she just excited and I'm very appreciative that she's even suggested the parties.  I don't want to seem ungrateful and the last thing I want to do is hurt her.  I'm just going to follow the advice about not talking wedding stuff too much and mentioning that I'll pick my WP closer to the wedding date.  Thanks again!

leah1195

This is my 1st response! LOL, so I hope I do this right.

I agree with other PPs - your wedding is so far away, I would refrain from mentioning anything.

On the other hand, it is YOUR wedding, and you also have a right to choose and change your mind - it happens all the time.

So even if you did ask her somewhat in the past, relationships run their course sometimes and since you've both acknowledged it has taken a turn for the worse, why torture yourself or her and drag it out?

Maybe let her know gently what your intentions are when the time comes - the worst that will happen is she will be furious. But if she is a true friend, she will respect your decision and if she makes it all about her, then maybe its worth letting her go.

Good luck.