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AM I CRAZY? Need help with FMIL

My FMIL is a controlling bossy woman to begin with so some of this stuff didn't surprise me, but her final act is leaving me wondering if I'm crazy and overreacting or if she really is that vindictive.  (BTW, groom and myself are paying for the wedding - not the families)

Originally FMIL was supposed to go to Italy for 2 months arriving home the week before the wedding.  I told her that they would miss all of the pre-wedding fun and the shower.  So they decided to reschedule and returned 3 months before the wedding.  

While they were in Italy I asked FMIL for the names of those on their side that should be invited to the shower and she said that I have to wait for her to return.  I told my Mom and BMs to send invites to my friends and close family as they started planning for the shower.  

Upon her return she told me that every woman on the grooms side must be invited, and that since it was a large number of people that she would help kick in some funds towards the shower.  However after talking with my Mom she said that she would only contribute dessert.  Her rationale was that since she wasn't included in planning the shower she shouldn't have to kick in money.  This was after I explained to her that my BMs couldn't wait until after she got back from her vacation to start planning.  It was her decision alone to travel for 2 months the year her son is getting married (her only son and she has no daughters so this is her only chance to be involved).

Being upset my fiance called her and yelled at her (which probably was not the right approach, but he was upset that the families were making it about them and not me), but he even apologized the next day.

Well she took it upon herself to call all of the grooms side that was invited to the shower (after everyone had RSVPed) and told them that my family did not plan for so many people and that the shower would be crowded, would they mind not coming.  She didn't call my Mom first and say that she would be doing that, she didn't ask whether it was necessary, and if I hadn't found out my Mom or BMs wouldn't have know and they would've wasted money and food for 50 people when only 25 are showing.

 Honestly, I'm not a bridezilla and rarely anything is about "me".  The shower is one of the few things that is and she can't handle it.  What's best is this is a church going 60 year old woman who's already had 2 weddings of her own.  Please, am I crazy?  Am I overreacting?  What would you do?  I have taken a deep breath and am currently ignoring her because I feel that she's having an adult version of a temper tantrum.   Thanks!

Sincerely, Mother In Law Needs a Beat Down in NY

Re: AM I CRAZY? Need help with FMIL

  • lharri12lharri12 member
    edited December 2011
    Yes, this is a frustrating situation, and your FMIL did not handle herself well, but you are sounding a bit judgmental of your FMIL.  "church going, married twice" - what does that have to do with it??  And you think she shouldn't travel "the year her son is getting married"?  Please.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think your both some what wrong. I mean you shouldn't really be involved in the planning for the bridal shower and if FMIL asked you could say IDK talk to MOH or your mom. You guys should of had a set number of guest that the host was comfortable hosting and then say  FMIL , MOH wants to throw a  BS for  25 people we have XX people coming so you can invite XX people there.  Or something along that line . Really you shouldn't be to involved in BS plans ( or at least act like your not  when your around FMIL, lol ) .

    Also your FMIL can travel when she wants . But she could of took 5 mins out of her time and said "I want X, Y and Z to come to the BS.

    Just don't expect much from FMIL, then you won't be surprised .lol
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    edited December 2011
    I have a feeling that both of you blew this out of proportion & acted silly. So, now just take a deep breath & let it go.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • edited December 2011
    I see a bit of miscommunication and things being blown out of proportion. So what if she wants to travel. You could have gotten a list from her before she left. Also, if she was upset about the shower/planning stuff she should have contacted your mother or the other hostesses. You shouldn't have been involved in the money/guest list squabble. She has already called her family members and been childish. Just leave it alone and steer clear of involving her. It sounds like more tantrums could come from her helping in the future.

    Curious? Is there an RSVP on the shower invite? Knowing this information, if I were hostess of the shower, I would call all that didn't RSVP and ask if they were attending. If they said something about this I would play dumb and say "I wonder why she asked you not to attend? We really would love to have you if you decide to come."
  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    edited December 2011
    Please, am I crazy?  Am I overreacting?  What would you do?

    You're not crazy, but try to take a deep breath and remember that the shower really isn't that important.  If your mom has these guests' phone numbers (or your FI can get them) she can call them and tell them there was some sort of misunderstanding and she hopes they will still be able to make it.  (Assuming she does actually have space/budget for them.)  Other than that, I can't think of anything to do.
    Married 10/2/10
  • edited December 2011
    Your FMIL is not required to financially contribute to your shower. She did offer to pay for desert. You somehow think that she should have agreed to pay more. You are wrong.

    Typically the women on the wedding invite list are invited to the bridal shower. You couldn't have figured that out. You are suggesting that she wanted to invite too many people. That would have meant more gifts for you and these people will be invited to the wedding. Why are you complaining about inviting the people who are invited to the wedding.

    It sounds like you or someone in your group said something to her that she should financially contribute to the shower since so many people were coming from her side of the wedding list. That is rude.

    You complained she invited too many people. You complained about the cost of inviting all these people. So your FMIL took care of your complaints and univited them.

    The problem is you. You even complained about your FMIL traveling. The world is not going to stand still for you because you are getting married. Life goes on.
  • edited December 2011
    No, I totally see your point. My FMIL went away the week before the invitations for the wedding were supposed to go out, which would've been fine, except she forgot some people addresses and didn't include others. And I had no way of reaching her to get the info. Thus, we had to wait to send many of them out (during which time she had the nerve to ask i 'did the invitations go out already- shouldn't they have?'). Just this week I got a request from her for a cousin whose address she just found.

    It doesn't matter if you're involved in shower planning or not, if she's going to make requests or demands, it's inconvenient for those who are doing the planning. And though no, the shower isn't yours to plan, since you are the connection between your mother and BMs and FMIL, it makes sense that you're somewhat involved in at least relaying some info.

    Where my FMIL went right was she threw me a shower herself, at her own cost, for her family and friends since FI and I are from two different areas. Your FMIL should've been on time with a list. And regardless, she had no right to call up her family and make it out to be like your family and BMs snubbed them. She should've offered to pay more, or throw her own shower for you if she wanted to be involved so badly with the planning. I'd give her that option, or have your mother or MOH call the guests, explain there must've been some misunderstanding, and they and you would love and be grateful if they attended the shower.
  • kprahlkprahl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks guys :)

    There is DEFIN miscommunication all around, and I'm sure there is overreacting, but I am definately  fed up with her antics.

    UPDATE: At the BS (which was at my parents house) I was very curteous to her and respectful.  I didn't want anyone to know there was anything going on. 
    When I went to open the gifts everyone sat around me, except for her.  She stayed at the table where she could see what was going on, but was making a point not to sit with everyone.  My BMs and Mom asked her to join the group but she said no thank you.  When I opened her gift, I personally walked over to her and thanked her for her check.  She said "well you didn't have to personally thank me for the gift but you should have personally asked me to watch you open them."  I didn't answer back and walked away and she said "You'll get yours."

    Really?  WTF??  Fi and I have been together 6 1/2 years and lived together for 51/2, it's not like this is something new.  Mom, BMs and myself have been very kind and respectful of her.  Still haven't spoken to her, we'll see if we can hash this out before the wedding.  23 days to go!!
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If she honestly said, "You'll get yours" loud enough that she knows you heard, your FI needs to have a chat with mommy.
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