replacing a MOH after you already asked her to be it!

aroosgabby

f

lalap69

Don't replace her at all.  No one wants to be second choice.

tpender13

I have a crappy relationship w/my sister as well, and haven't spoken to her in six months, so I can kind of relate.

Are you still going to have sister be a bridesmaid, or is she out of the wedding party altogether? I think if she's still going to be in the WP, you maybe shouldn't have a MOH. It could make her really jealous.

If she's out of the WP completely, I think it would be okay to ask your other friend. I would just explain to her that since she's your sister you originally chose her as MOH but it just didn't work. If you two are close, she's probably aware of your up-and-down relationship w/your sister and will understand.

aroosgabby

im only having a MOH in the wedding party along with the Best man...

and she has said she doesnt want to be my MOH anymore either....so, idk what to do....or when i should choose a MOH again?

right now, i know i dont want my sister to be the MOH, and even if we do make up, i dont think i would want here there anyways.

aerinpegadrak

Are you prepared to never, ever speak to your sister again?  It's a very real and very likely possibility if you kick her out.  I have relatives I've never met due to stupid drama like this at a wedding 60 years ago. 

If she decides to remove herself, that's one thing.  (And you should respect her decision by not replacing her.)  But short of sleeping with your FI or setting you on fire, there's nothing she can do to get booted that won't make YOU look like a raging bridezilla to pretty much everyone.

A couple of girls who post regularly on the WP board had their nightmare sisters as obligatory bridesmaids, and several months after their weddings, both have no regrets.  I would tread very carefully if I were you.  The wedding isn't an end goal, it's a beginning, and it could well be the beginning of a life where you have NO CONTACT with your sister and any and all family who take her side. 

aroosgabby

i told her i didnt want her as my MOH and after that she said she no  longer wants to be it.....

i dont want to have any family drama but after all the things shes said and done i will not be able to forget it. maybe one day i can forgive her, but that wont change what happened....

and whats even worse is that her son and daughter were supposed to be my ring boy and flower girl and she said shes not going to let them stand up in my wedding either....

its as though she sees that i am happy and is trying to make me miserable!

aroosgabby

if i dont replace her that means i wont have anyone standing up in my wedding since its just 1 moh and 1 best man, no BMs :-/

iarguello

No one has to stand. All my girls are walking, and then sitting down for that very reason that I have 3...count 'em....3 sisters that go into lapses of communication and then cause huge arguements. I love them...I just don't always like them- and I don't know what will blow up right before the wedding. Just avoid the drama, and like pp said- if she wants to cut herself out, let her...but don't you go do it for what's happened. And yeah, no one wants to be second pick.

BeeBee22

I would suggest you just let it go for the time being. You can decide about your wedding party six months from now. 

In the meantime (after a cooling-off), maybe you and your sister can sort out your relationship for its own sake - not as it relates to your wedding. Her kids will be your kids' cousins, and 5 or 10 years from now, when everyone has (hopefully) grown past whatever happened, you might want to have them in your lives.

There are circumstances under which the healthy thing is to cut people out of your life, but we don't know what the fight was about, and don't know whether that's true here. I'm not belittling the problem at all, but life looks different when you're 35 and 45 then it does when you 25. Things pass, and maybe this will too. Maybe keeping her as MOH will help with that.

Maybe she'll want to be MOH in six months, or maybe you'll make another plan, but just take it off the table for now. If anyone gets unavoidably nosy, you can tell them you had a hiccup in your plans, and will circle back to the issue then.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replacing-moh-after-already-asked-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3df77df6-fb9b-465d-9aa9-c5729f1c0db8Post:eef15ca9-77fe-470c-85ca-66f238fd3e56">Re: replacing a MOH after you already asked her to be it!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would suggest you just let it go for the time being. You can decide about your wedding party six months from now.  In the meantime (after a cooling-off), maybe you and your sister can sort out your relationship for its own sake - not as it relates to your wedding. Her kids will be your kids' cousins, and 5 or 10 years from now, when everyone has (hopefully) grown past whatever happened, you might want to have them in your lives. There are circumstances under which the healthy thing is to cut people out of your life, but we don't know what the fight was about, and don't know whether that's true here. I'm not belittling the problem at all, but life looks different when you're 35 and 45 then it does when you 25. Things pass, and maybe this will too. Maybe keeping her as MOH will help with that. Maybe she'll want to be MOH in six months, or maybe you'll make another plan, but just take it off the table for now. If anyone gets unavoidably nosy, you can tell them you had a hiccup in your plans, and will circle back to the issue then.
Posted by BeeBee22[/QUOTE]

This...

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replacing-moh-after-already-asked-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3df77df6-fb9b-465d-9aa9-c5729f1c0db8Post:e69e98b1-c6e2-4f35-9123-5bf731db6b24">Re: replacing a MOH after you already asked her to be it!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>i told her i didnt want her as my MOH and after that</strong> she said she no  longer wants to be it..... i dont want to have any family drama but after all the things shes said and done i will not be able to forget it. maybe one day i can forgive her, but that wont change what happened.... and whats even worse is that <strong>her son and daughter were supposed to be my ring boy and flower girl and she said shes not going to let them stand up in my wedding either.... its as though she sees that i am happy and is trying to make me miserable! :(</strong>
Posted by aroosgabby[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]if i dont replace her that means<strong> i wont have anyone standing up in my wedding</strong> since its just 1 moh and 1 best man, no BMs :-/ [/QUOTE]

If you told her first that you didn't want her to be your MOH, what option did she really have besides to step down? You didn't give her any choice. She didn't step down, you removed her.

I don't know what she did, but as long as you're okay with the possibility of never speaking to her again, I'm going to assume it was terrible. It really better be something terrible, if you're willing to cut her out of your life completely.

But on that note, I wouldn't replace her. You don't need a bridal party at all, a lot of girls don't have them. You already made the choice of who is in your wedding party, and I think you should just accept the consequences (good and bad) of that decision.

Honestly, if you two had such a big fight that you removed her as MOH and you're okay with breaking off any relationship with her, I'm not surprised she doesn't want her kids in the WP either.

It's a sad situation, but I think you just need to really accept it, or patch things up with your sister, and move on with the rest of planning.

tpender13

Since you have some time, I would just forget about it for awhile. Maybe things will change after letting it cool for a bit. GL!

quotequeen

Did you want this other girl in your wedding aside from your arbitrary decision to have only person stand up with you?  If you really want her there, and you feel bad about not asking her in the first place, then ask her to be a BM.  If you're just asking her to have somebody up there, don't ask her.  And don't ask her to be MOH, because you already had one of those, and you don't replace people.  Also, try to make up with your sister, and if you manage to, tell her you are really really sorry you kicked her out and you would still love her to be your MOH if she's willing.  DO NOT kick the other girl out if that happens - just have uneven sides.

suz62984

1 - your mistake was to pick someone you weren't close with as MOH.

2 - You told her you didn't want her as MOH. Rude and terrible on your part. Shame on you. I know there was a big fight but this will damage your relationship more than you think. If you don't want a relationship then alright...this probably took care of that.

3 - You want to replace her - big mistake. Replacing your sister will tell her that she is easily replaced. This will only kill your relationship with her a little bit more than it already is. The new MOH will feel like sloppy seconds.

5 - You have time. Just leave the MOH spot open or apologize to your sister. If later you feel like asking someone you can...but don't do it to fill a spot. It won't look funny if you don't have a MOH or BM, promise!

foureyes07

I think that you need to have someone to stand with your in a position of support on your wedding day. Whatever you choose to call this person MOH or BM is irrelevant. Make sure that they are there for you no matter what and a true friend will understand the background details. Don't let the up and down relationship ruin your day.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_replacing-moh-after-already-asked-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3df77df6-fb9b-465d-9aa9-c5729f1c0db8Post:9186d731-ab28-4001-a795-f89970ec930c">Re: replacing a MOH after you already asked her to be it!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that you need to have someone to stand with your in a position of support on your wedding day. Whatever you choose to call this person MOH or BM is irrelevant. Make sure that they are there for you no matter what and a true friend will understand the background details. Don't let the up and down relationship ruin your day.
Posted by foureyes07[/QUOTE]

Please make sure you explain that they're your second choice and they're only up there to even out the sides and make the pictures look good.

aroosgabby

yes, i did make a mistake by picking my sister in the first place...i guess i thought that maybe if i asked her to be my MOH things would have changed between us for the better.....

anyways, i wrote and mailed a letter to my sister, apologizing for the things i said, im not sure if she recieved it yet...

but even if we were to make up and things would go back to "normal" i just dont think she is the person i want to be my MOH. she showed her true feelings and told me what she thinks of me and i dont feel comfortable having someone who thinks that way about me stand next to me.

foureyes07- ur right, who ever i choose should have true, sincere feelings and really want to be there...

the other girl i have in mind is my cousin whos the same age as me...we have always been a part of eachothers lives and she expressed to me that she really wants to be part of my wedding....

i dont think its wrong for me to change my mind in this situation, and i am sure that even when/if things patch up between my sister and i she will understand. she may not like it, but right now i am tired of trying to please everyone....