FMIL let down? or melt down?

mrsgnatowski

My fiance and I are still in the beginng stages of our planning.We have choosen our venue and date, and his mother has been a big part of all of our planning so far (which I do like) but,... as I appreciate some of her ideas and advice, at times I feel as if she may be over excited and pushing things to go too quickly, or making me feel a little pressured to do things more "traditionally" our wedding isn't until the beginning of next september. Or is mentioning her disapproval of how I dont mind if my bridesmaids wear different style dresses. We are having a laidback beach wedding, we want this to be a fun occasion & feel like if its too formal it wont be what we are going for. My FMIL hasn't been rude or mean about anything so I dont want to offend her, but how do I approch this AND keep her in our planning process? But at the same time keep my sanity & feel like I'm not defending most of my decsions?? HELP?!?!

jerseydevil

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-let-down-melt-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:40467ce4-9336-46be-99fb-a881c9917e12Post:004dfbb1-865f-41fd-a34c-b7feecfea42b">FMIL let down? or melt down?</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiance and I are still in the beginng stages of our planning.We have choosen our venue and date, and his mother has been a big part of all of our planning so far but,... I appreciate some of her ideas and advice, but at times I feel as if she may be over excited and pushing things to go too quickly, or making me feel a little pressured to do things more "traditionallun our wedding is for the beginning of next september & she is already pushing us to make a registry. Or disapproving of how I dont mind if my bridesmaids were different style dresses. we are having a laidback beach wedding, we want this to be a fun occasion & feel like if its too formal it wont be what we are going for. my FMIL hasnt been rude or mean about anything so i dont want to offend her, but how do i approch this and keep her in our planning processes? but at the same time keep my sanity & feel like im not defending most of my decsions?? HELP?!?!
Posted by mrsgnatowski[/QUOTE]

Welcome to the wonderful world of wedding planning where battles are chosen and lessons in family politics are learned. :)

For every detail you bring up there will be pushback from SOMEONE. You can't make everybody happy, nor should you try. Definitely take others' suggestions with a grain of salt, but also keep an open mind. Wedding traditions have changed a lot over the years, I am still trying to explain to my mom why my bridesmaids jewelery and shoes do not HAVE to match.

When people offer suggestions, just smile and tell them that you appreciate their suggestion, but you and FI want to do things differently. If they are contributing money they DO have the right to have more input. Also, be glad that your FMIL is interested in helping you plan this special and important day. 

artbyallie

Stop talking about planning with her. Unless she's paying. As everyone always says on here, money=strings.

TheCranberry

Don't take her comments personally.  Think of some noncommittal phrase ("that's an interesting point") and then keep the conversation moving.  Don't let her pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

Also, just try to talk to her about things that you don't mind having her involved in.  If you don't want her opinion on BM dresses (or whatever) just say "oh, we haven't gotten around to that yet" and change the subject.

If she really insists on getting her point made, you can say something like "styles/traditions/whatever have changed so much over the years.  we are doing something more contemporary" and leave it that.

kayakrunhike

Agreed, just don't discuss it with her.  My mom started getting really vocal about certain things (eg- a church wedding, the invitations) and I just told her we would consider it, then moved on. 

trix1223

"That's an interesting thought, FMIL.  We'll certainly consider it."

Then consider it, and do what you want.  And stop telling her everything.  This advice is coming from a former MOG and MOB, btw.   I was perfectly happy to give advice when asked, and to keep my mouth shut when I wasn't asked.  And both my DD and I and my DIL and I still had and continue to have a great relationship after the wedding was over.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-let-down-melt-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:40467ce4-9336-46be-99fb-a881c9917e12Post:ecbbc517-3bc1-48ca-ad6d-bf96c0fa9c2a">Re: FMIL let down? or melt down?</a>:
[QUOTE]"That's an interesting thought, FMIL.  We'll certainly consider it." Then consider it, and do what you want.  And stop telling her everything.  This advice is coming from a former MOG and MOB, btw.   I was perfectly happy to give advice when asked, and to keep my mouth shut when I wasn't asked.  And both my DD and I and my DIL and I still had and continue to have a great relationship after the wedding was over.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

What Trix said....absolutely!

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-let-down-melt-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:40467ce4-9336-46be-99fb-a881c9917e12Post:1f87d575-9ad7-48e8-ac1a-0663293f58a1">Re: FMIL let down? or melt down?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah...."bean dip" aka change the subject. "Interesting idea. Now, have you tried this bean dip? It's delicious." "I think you should use live fish in your centerpieces...." "Would you like some chips to go with your bean dip?"
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Retread, you really piss me off sometimes!

1) I've warned you numerous times about bean dip.  Do I HAVE to get graphic with you.

2) I'm down about 12 candles  and do you even answer my emails?  NO

Istremene

I found the best way to sidestep feeling that I am being secondguessed by anyone (mostly my mother and FMIL) was to give them specific tasks.  It keeps them focused and they feel like they are contributing.