Moms and Maids
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MOH issues

When I was first picking my MOH/BMs it was a very difficult choice for MOH.  I ended up picking the friend I have known my entire life.  I thought I made the right decision until a couple months ago.  She never wants to talk about the wedding.  She doesn't seem interested at all.  I have had to make all my appointments around her schedule.  She just seems unwilling to help with anything.  The worst part is that my wedding is in 9 weeks and she hasn't even ordered her bridesmaid dress yet.  The delivery time is 6 weeks for the dress and I have been reminding her twice a week for over a month.  My bridesmaid that was my second choice has helped me tremendously and is doing her very best to keep me on track.  What should I do about my MOH? 

Re: MOH issues

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    edited December 2011
    Trix?  Where are you?  Care to take care of this one?
    panther
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    melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, you're doing what you should do...you're reminding her to get her dress and you're complaining about her to strangers.

    She's not doing anything horrific, she's just not doing anything.  Disappointing?  Definitely.  Worth making a fuss over this close to the wedding?  Probably not.  I'm all for confrontation and action when warranted, but I suspect this runs deeper than what we're reading.

    How often do you want to talk wedding?  That can have a huge impact on how people respond to you regarding it.

    She may have all sorts of things going on that she doesn't tell you about.  Plus, and most importantly, your wedding isn't the big deal to her that it is to you.  As long as she has a dress, shows up, and isn't a total douche - she's done her job.

    Make sure you really thank the other girl, though, for making things better for you. :)
    10-10-10
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, darlin' but you've been sucked into WP foolishness.  And yes,  it's foolishness.  You've been led astray by the wedding industry which will do whatever it can to convince you that certain things must happen for a successful wedding.  And they're wrong. 

    So here you go:  here's the answer I always give to WP questions:
     

    Put down the wedding magazines.  Turn off the wedding tv shows.  Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites.  Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble.  Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

    Here's the reality:  the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony.  That's it.  Lock, stock, and barrel.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures.  Done and done.

    Here's what they don't have to do:  help plan and/or execute your wedding.  That includes:  They don't have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake.  They don't have to go bridal gown shopping or make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs. 

    They don't have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags.  They don't have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around.  Theydon'tT have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

    The don't have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons.  They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI). 

    Please don't consider at all "demoting" or "removing" your MOH.  That would be a very public slap in the face for your friend.  Stop nagging her about the dress.  She's a grown woman.  She knows when your wedding is.  If she doesn't order it in time, she has to pay the rush charges on it. 

    But you nagging isn't going to help your relationship.

    Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about.  You'll be happier.  So will your friends.

    My last piece of advice:  Print out the following words:  "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL."  Because it's true.  it will also keep you on a smooth path.

    Good luck, and happy wedding.

    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    emilyinchileemilyinchile member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to respond to each of your concerns.

    She never wants to talk about the wedding.  She doesn't seem interested at all.
    So what? I agree that if my best friend in the world showed no interest in my wedding, I'd be bummed. But my MOH is also in med school, so I hardly expected her to be thinking about my wedding 24/7. Is she usually into weddings? Some people just aren't. Does she have a lot going on in her life right now? If this is totally out of character, then that sucks, but it's hardly the end of the world or grounds for ending a friendship (which is what happens when you "demote" people).

    I have had to make all my appointments around her schedule.
    Duh? If you want her to do things for/with you, obviously you have to work around her schedule. Your wedding is your number 1 priority, but she's still got her own life to live as well as any wedding stuff. And if you've been dragging her around on lots of things (by which I mean more than 1 BM dress shopping trip), no wonder she doesn't ever want to talk wedding - you've overloaded the poor girl, and she's probably kind of sick of the topic.

    She just seems unwilling to help with anything.
    BMs don't have to help. You and your FI (and a wedding planner if you have one) are the only people obligated to do anything. Everyone else may offer favors, or you can ask for them, but they're not required.

    The worst part is that my wedding is in 9 weeks and she hasn't even ordered her bridesmaid dress yet.  The delivery time is 6 weeks for the dress and I have been reminding her twice a week for over a month.
    It would annoy the crap out of me to be told 8+ times about something. She's a grown up - she knows how long it takes, she knows when your wedding is, so either she'll get the dress in time or she won't. If she doesn't, she can attend as a guest, and your wedding day will be just fine (you can discuss your friendship with her later, but on your wedding day, I promise this will not be your #1 priority - getting married will).

    My bridesmaid that was my second choice has helped me tremendously and is doing her very best to keep me on track.
    That's very nice of her. It doesn't mean she needs to be rewarded with the title of MOH - MOH is your best friend, not your most helpful assistant. Just say thank you and get her a heartfelt gift.

    What should I do about my MOH?
    Stop talking about your damn wedding with her. Other than that, nothing.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    <span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">[QUOTE] When I was first picking my MOH/BMs it was a very difficult choice for MOH.  I ended up picking the friend I have known my entire life.  I thought I made the right decision until a couple months ago.  She never wants to talk about the wedding.  She doesn't seem interested at all.  I have had to make all my appointments around her schedule.  She just seems unwilling to help with anything.  The worst part is that my wedding is in 9 weeks and she hasn't even ordered her bridesmaid dress yet.  The delivery time is 6 weeks for the dress and I have been reminding her twice a week for over a month.  My bridesmaid that was my second choice has helped me tremendously and is doing her very best to keep me on track.  What should I do about my MOH? [/QUOTE]</span><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">JIC</span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">The ladies have already summed in up. As long as she gets her dress ordered in the next 2-3 weeks she has done what is required as MOH so far. </span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">You and your FI are responsible for wedding planning, making DIY stuff, etc, you had a BM that volunteered to help you, she is not required but she either likes weddings or figured it was a helpful thing to do. Write her a nice note, really showing her your appreciation with going the extra mile. Do not upgrade her just because she helped you.</span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Some people are interested in weddings some people are not. She obviously is not so don't press the issue (specially if you are bugging her daily about the dress). </span></font></div>
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    edited December 2011
    She never wants to talk about the wedding. 
    And she doesn't have to - it's not her wedding. You are going to have to accept that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you and your FI are. (Except perhaps your parents). I understand being disappointed if you want to chat wedding stuff with her but if you're going on ad nauseum about it, it can get tiring to hear about. Again, it's not HER wedding.

    I have had to make all my appointments around her schedule. 
    Why? MOH does not equal wedding planner. Why isn't your FI attending appointments with vendors with you? It's his wedding, too. Your MOH doesn't have to go any appmts with you - she has a life, a job, a family I presume that didn't cease to exist once you decided to marry and ask her to be your MOH.

    She just seems unwilling to help with anything. 
    Then stop asking her to. Ask your FI for help. Or your mom, or sister or any other friends who are more interested if you truly need help. It's not a BM duty to have to help the bride, althoughh many girls do want to help their friends. But some people are just busy / not into weddings / not interested. And that's okay. A wedding isn't that difficult to pull off unless you make it so. I address all my own invites, assembled them all, put all the charm tags on my 100 favor bags....myself. I didn't ask my BMs to do much of anything. One offered to help me put together programs and I took her up on that - after I'd gotten a head start.

    The worst part is that my wedding is in 9 weeks and she hasn't even ordered her bridesmaid dress yet.  The delivery time is 6 weeks for the dress and I have been reminding her twice a week for over a month. 
    There's still time. Seriously - stop hounding her. Nobody likes to be micromanaged and that is exactly what you are doing. Why do you think your good friend wouldn't order her dress? If she doesn't, then she pays the rush charge and she's the one to suffer the consequence. But how about trusting a good friend not to let you down with one of her few actual responsibilities as a BM.

    My bridesmaid that was my second choice has helped me tremendously and is doing her very best to keep me on track. 
    Are you paying her? Because wedding planners usually are professionals who earn their living by keeping brides on track.
    Also, this just illustrates that some people are more interested / able to help out...but again, it's not a requirement and it shouldn't be something a bride feels entitled to. That's very nice of this friend to be helping you so much when she doesn't have to.

    What should I do about my MOH? 
    Nothing. Accept her as the friend whom you love - otherwise you wouldn't have asked her to be MOH. right? She knows when to get her dress. Now let it be and move on and keep your expectations of your BMs and MOH more realistic. it will only benefit you and them. And if you need help, then ask your soon to be husband for it. It's 50% his wedding, too.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to<strong> </strong><a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:406f434f-ea2e-4ed4-8fbd-22c7b8b04446Post:bc133cfa-fd8f-430c-8c98-9a137d49efd4"><strong>MOH issues</strong></a><strong>:
    </strong>[QUOTE]When I was first picking my MOH/BMs it was a very difficult choice for MOH.  I ended up picking the friend I have known my entire life.  I thought I made the right decision until a couple months ago.  She never wants to talk about the wedding.  She doesn't seem interested at all.  I have had to make all my appointments around her schedule.  She just seems unwilling to help with anything.  The worst part is that my wedding is in 9 weeks and she hasn't even ordered her bridesmaid dress yet.  The delivery time is 6 weeks for the dress and I have been reminding her twice a week for over a month.  My bridesmaid that was my second choice has helped me tremendously and is doing her very best to keep me on track.  What should I do about my MOH? 
    Posted by froggygurl1213[/QUOTE]

    I don't see any issues here.  I just see an angry bride who is mad and upset because her MOH is too busy to be planning her wedding.  Seriously, the others have said it best.  Go ask FI or Mom or hire a planner if you need soo much help and can't do it yourself.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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    edited December 2011
    I just let Trix handle these from now on  Wink
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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