Moms and Maids

Bow out or Stick it out? (Sorry it's so Long)

Hey gals!

I read a post earlier on this and it gave me a little bit of an idea about what to do, but my situation is slightly different and I could use some advice from parties that are "displaced" from the situation. To get a good idea of what's going on I'll have to start at the beginning:

My best friend is engaged to DH's best friend in 2008, and orginally they'd planned to get married after she graduated college (2012). She asked me to be her MOH and assist her with planning. Even though I live in CA and she's in Washington State, I've done the best I could helping. In early 2009, she told me she no longer wanted my help planning, but still wanted me to be her MOH. She didn't like any of my ideas (I'm a realist, and she couldn't grasp the fact that the wedding she wanted was out of her price range. I'd tried to give her options to achieve that wedding, without the cost, but she wouldn't hear it), and told me if she wanted my help, she'd ask for it. I said fine and backed off. 

I hadn't talked to her in several months (I was busy with life, and pretty hurt that she didn't want my help), until she started asking me to look at things again, and put out a blog saying they were moving the wedding to early 2012 (this was Fall 2009). So I started assisting her again, until she really hit a nerve. We'd been dress shopping at David's Bridal, and laughing cause the dress she liked was the same one I'd worn at my wedding. Promptly after leaving she stated "I would never buy my dress at Davids Bridal because they're so generic." Obviously I was really hurt by this, and pointed it out, but she just shrugged and said she was buying a $1200 designer gown. (I paid $800 for my entire wardrobe, and I knew she had a smaller budget than I did). So I quit helping again and at this point I found out I was pregnant and decided it was best for me and the baby. 

At this point, she started talking about using my baby as the ringbearer or flowergirl (the kiddo would be about two when they were planning on getting married) since she would be the god mother. Yet, when it came time for my baby shower, she threw a fit because it was planned the same weekend as her 3 year anniversary of dating her fiancée. She refused to come, and my DH made a phone call to his bestfriend. He made sure she was there, which was a nice gesture. My daughter was born May 2010, and as soon as I recovered I made sure to visit my best friend and help her with planning again (this was Sept. 2010, due to distance and a C-section). 

Trying to make amends for the past issues, I invited to take my BF to a bridal fair they were having near her house. She said she didn't have much money, so I offered to pay for her. She showed up that morning with her little sister in tow, and I ended up paying for her as well. When we went to lunch, I ended up paying for most of her sisters lunch as well as mine and hers. A little peeved, I had to go pump (my baby was at my parents house) but figured we'd go wander the farmers market that was nearby since we'd already finished at the wedding show. As soon as I was back, my BF said they were going home because they were tired. So on top of everything else, I drove an hour from my parents house and paid $12 for 1.5 hours of parking. Relentlessly, I drove back to my parents hurt and angry. 

The worst part came about 3 weeks later, when I saw a message on facebook from the bride's mother saying that the Bride and Her MOH were at the bridal shop picking out dresses. I was really confused, seeing as I was at home. So, I sent her a private message explaining I was confused because I, the MOH, was in CA. She put a public message on my board saying that the Bride had replaced me as the MOH and gave the position to her sister instead back in June (again, this was Sept and I'd just seen them both. No one said anything at the time). When I called the bride and asked, she said she'd told me at the bridal show (which she didn't) and that she did it because we weren't really friends anymore and she'd found someone else to be the flower girl. However she still wanted me in her wedding, and had the nerve to ask to be my girls God Mother (We've already named someone else, due to the past issues and the lack of financial stability of the bride and groom). I told her if she wanted, I was willing to name two sets of Godparents for baby girl, and I'd still be in the wedding, I just didn't understand why I had to find out on FB that I'd been replaced. She said she thought she told me and we pretty much ended on that note. 

She'd gotten better until recently when we started talking about bridesmaids dresses. She's been pretty flaky and the last dress she sent me (saying it's the style she wanted) is $200 and I can't spend that much money on a dress I'll wear once (I'm unemployed SAHM and we live off DH's income). I've nicely tried to steer her in the direction of dresses that can be worn more than once (and a style that will suit all the bridesmaids rather than making us look like a horror movie) as well as a price range we can all afford. Instead she tells me she's taking 4 of the 6 of us to the original dress appointment, and the other two can try to find similar dresses at Macys. This is fine except my budget for the entire day is $125, since we have to rent DH's tux (he's in the wedding too), and pay for travel to WA from NorCal (about $200 round trip each), and from what I found on macys.com I cannot afford anything there either (unless I want to look like I'm going to a high school prom, and even then I'll still have to wear shoes out of my closet which the bride refuses to let me do). 

The final straw is when I offered to look up floral prices. She told me she wants the same flowers I had, but refuses to look at silk flowers because they look fake and cheap (Note: I had all silk flowers at my wedding and they were beautiful and only slightly more affordable than the real thing). 

At this point, I'm just fed up and seriously considering stepping down from my bridesmaid's position. The only thing is this puts DH is a predicament. He'd either need to step down, or he'll end up walking with another girl (and leave it to my "friend" to find some skanky girl that will try to feel him up all night), which I'm not comfortable with. We also know that if we step down, we'll be uninvited all together and so will our parents (we've known these two for a long time and they are friends with our families). 

I know I can't afford what she wants, and all this stress is really bad for my health. I just don't know if I should step down and/or how to go about it without creating a huge issue (getting others univited when they didn't do anything). At this point, I'd love to be there, but I just can't afford the money or the stress. Sorry this was really long, but any and all help is appreciated! 
TIA!
~Mrs. J~ "Well behaved women rarely make History" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Re: Bow out or Stick it out? (Sorry it's so Long)

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    It looks like the both of you keep expecting the other to pay for things neither of you can afford. Like, you chose someone else to be the godmother partially based on the financial strains.

    lmao @ her announcing your replacement on facebook.

    Really, this sounds like an unhealthy friendship.


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  • edited December 2011
    She is acting like a spoiled brat. The only thing you have to do is buy the dress and show up. Its her job to look at venues and flowers. This kid has broken so many rules that i want to slap her for you.
    1. she should have asked you for a budget.
    2. she isn't allowed to replace you unless you sleep with her man or try to kill her (which right now isnt a bad ideal)
    3. she could have had 2 MOH's instead of trying to replace you.
    i want you to really think about this girl. is she really worth the headache? i would decline and let your spouse decide if he would like to decline also.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks. I forgot to mention that she also moved the wedding up to July 10th, 2011. 

    I think the biggest reason I haven't booted her is that I've already put so many years into this friendship (which never used to be like this) and DH & I move so often, I haven't been able to make new friends anywhere. You're probably right though, it's turned toxic and is most likely time to let go. 
    ~Mrs. J~ "Well behaved women rarely make History" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bow-out-stick-out-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:41b15cb0-09e5-41a7-843f-172c7158cd4cPost:ed71c706-bff7-4d8c-8330-a79fd4667b02">Re: Bow out or Stick it out? (Sorry it's so Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks. I forgot to mention that she also moved the wedding up to July 10th, 2011.  I think the biggest reason I haven't booted her is that I've already put so many years into this friendship (which never used to be like this) and DH & I move so often, I haven't been able to make new friends anywhere. You're probably right though, it's turned toxic and is most likely time to let go. 
    Posted by Jonesn07[/QUOTE]
    It really sucks you haven't been able to make any solid friendships because of all the moving, but it sucks more that you are stuck in this friendship that seems be out of habit than anything. :(
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Run and never look back. She sounds BSC.
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Bow out or Stick it out? (Sorry it's so Long):
    Hey gals! I read a post earlier on this and it gave me a little bit of an idea about what to do, but my situation is slightly different and I could use some advice from parties that are "displaced" from the situation. To get a good idea of what's going on I'll have to start at the beginning: My best friend is engaged to DH's best friend in 2008, and orginally they'd planned to get married after she graduated college (2012). She asked me to be her MOH and assist her with planning. Even though I live in CA and she's in Washington State, I've done the best I could helping. In early 2009, she told me she no longer wanted my help planning, but still wanted me to be her MOH. She didn't like any of my ideas (I'm a realist, and she couldn't grasp the fact that the wedding she wanted was out of her price range. I'd tried to give her options to achieve that wedding, without the cost, but she wouldn't hear it), and told me if she wanted my help, she'd ask for it. I said fine and backed off.  I hadn't talked to her in several months (I was busy with life, and pretty hurt that she didn't want my help), until she started asking me to look at things again, and put out a blog saying they were moving the wedding to early 2012 (this was Fall 2009). So I started assisting her again, until she really hit a nerve. We'd been dress shopping at David's Bridal, and laughing cause the dress she liked was the same one I'd worn at my wedding. Promptly after leaving she stated "I would never buy my dress at Davids Bridal because they're so generic." Obviously I was really hurt by this, and pointed it out, but she just shrugged and said she was buying a $1200 designer gown. (I paid $800 for my entire wardrobe, and I knew she had a smaller budget than I did). So I quit helping again and at this point I found out I was pregnant and decided it was best for me and the baby.  At this point, she started talking about using my baby as the ringbearer or flowergirl (the kiddo would be about two when they were planning on getting married) since she would be the god mother. Yet, when it came time for my baby shower, she threw a fit because it was planned the same weekend as her 3 year anniversary of dating her fiancée. She refused to come, and my DH made a phone call to his bestfriend. He made sure she was there, which was a nice gesture. My daughter was born May 2010, and as soon as I recovered I made sure to visit my best friend and help her with planning again (this was Sept. 2010, due to distance and a C-section).  Trying to make amends for the past issues, I invited to take my BF to a bridal fair they were having near her house. She said she didn't have much money, so I offered to pay for her. She showed up that morning with her little sister in tow, and I ended up paying for her as well. When we went to lunch, I ended up paying for most of her sisters lunch as well as mine and hers. A little peeved, I had to go pump (my baby was at my parents house) but figured we'd go wander the farmers market that was nearby since we'd already finished at the wedding show. As soon as I was back, my BF said they were going home because they were tired. So on top of everything else, I drove an hour from my parents house and paid $12 for 1.5 hours of parking. Relentlessly, I drove back to my parents hurt and angry.  The worst part came about 3 weeks later, when I saw a message on facebook from the bride's mother saying that the Bride and Her MOH were at the bridal shop picking out dresses. I was really confused, seeing as I was at home. So, I sent her a private message explaining I was confused because I, the MOH, was in CA. She put a public message on my board saying that the Bride had replaced me as the MOH and gave the position to her sister instead back in June (again, this was Sept and I'd just seen them both. No one said anything at the time). When I called the bride and asked, she said she'd told me at the bridal show (which she didn't) and that she did it because we weren't really friends anymore and she'd found someone else to be the flower girl. However she still wanted me in her wedding, and had the nerve to ask to be my girls God Mother (We've already named someone else, due to the past issues and the lack of financial stability of the bride and groom). I told her if she wanted, I was willing to name two sets of Godparents for baby girl, and I'd still be in the wedding, I just didn't understand why I had to find out on FB that I'd been replaced. She said she thought she told me and we pretty much ended on that note.  She'd gotten better until recently when we started talking about bridesmaids dresses. She's been pretty flaky and the last dress she sent me (saying it's the style she wanted) is $200 and I can't spend that much money on a dress I'll wear once (I'm unemployed SAHM and we live off DH's income). I've nicely tried to steer her in the direction of dresses that can be worn more than once (and a style that will suit all the bridesmaids rather than making us look like a horror movie) as well as a price range we can all afford. Instead she tells me she's taking 4 of the 6 of us to the original dress appointment, and the other two can try to find similar dresses at Macys. This is fine except my budget for the entire day is $125, since we have to rent DH's tux (he's in the wedding too), and pay for travel to WA from NorCal (about $200 round trip each), and from what I found on macys.com I cannot afford anything there either (unless I want to look like I'm going to a high school prom, and even then I'll still have to wear shoes out of my closet which the bride refuses to let me do).  The final straw is when I offered to look up floral prices. She told me she wants the same flowers I had, but refuses to look at silk flowers because they look fake and cheap (Note: I had all silk flowers at my wedding and they were beautiful and only slightly more affordable than the real thing).  At this point, I'm just fed up and seriously considering stepping down from my bridesmaid's position. The only thing is this puts DH is a predicament. He'd either need to step down, or he'll end up walking with another girl (and leave it to my "friend" to find some skanky girl that will try to feel him up all night), which I'm not comfortable with. We also know that if we step down, we'll be uninvited all together and so will our parents (we've known these two for a long time and they are friends with our families).  I know I can't afford what she wants, and all this stress is really bad for my health. I just don't know if I should step down and/or how to go about it without creating a huge issue (getting others univited when they didn't do anything). At this point, I'd love to be there, but I just can't afford the money or the stress. Sorry this was really long, but any and all help is appreciated!  TIA!
    Posted by Jonesn07
    Wow, your friend seems to be a real piece of work (as does her mother from that snarky comment she left you on facebook of all places!).  I would tell her that you guys are on a tight budget and didn't expect to pay $200 for your dress plus all other costs for the day.  If she can't handle that then I would step down.

    As for your DH (the bolded part).  He shouldn't step down just because you do.  This is his friends wedding and he should stand up for his friend.  As for the "skank", all they have to do is walk down the aisle together.  BM and GM are expected to go to bed with each other.  I'm sure you can trust your husband to fend off any unwanted advances.  If not, well that's another story.
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  • edited December 2011
    I understand DH wouldn't absolutely have to step down, but seeing as I'd end up uninvited to the wedding, DH has already said he won't be going without me. It may be his best friend, but I'm his wife. Gotta love DH. 
    ~Mrs. J~ "Well behaved women rarely make History" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
  • edited December 2011
    If she uninvites you for stepping down, that's her problem, not his. And the same thing for uninviting your parents. Hopefully her FI will have the sense to reign in that amount of crazy. Any normal person should be OK with a BM stepping down if the duties become too much, especially with a new baby (granted that assumes she's normal, which she's not, but it's not your responsibility to compensate for her crazy).

    I would absolutely not have her be the godparents in any way. I know different people have different ideas on what godparents are supposed to do but she sounds way too flakey and self-absorbed for any of the roles I've heard of.

    But if (for some reason) you do decide to stay in the wedding, Macy's has sales all the time, you might be able to find the dress reasonably priced? What are the parameters for the dress?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bow-out-stick-out-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:41b15cb0-09e5-41a7-843f-172c7158cd4cPost:e4ec45b9-fb4b-41ef-8901-97073b436612">Re: Bow out or Stick it out? (Sorry it's so Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Run and never look back. She sounds BSC.
    Posted by SSaltzman87[/QUOTE]

    This.
    Anniversary
  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't know, I think it will be pretty entertaining to see her humbled by the fact she can't afford any better than what you had at your wedding after all the little slams she's been slipping in here and there about your wedding.

    I would guess that if she and her family are so broke they need you to pay for their admission and lunch at a bridal show to plan her wedding, you won't be the only person unable to afford the BM dress.  I have a feeling if you wait it out a little longer, she'll be giving you a color and style to go find at DB.
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  • edited December 2011
    I am wondering why you didn't step down as soon as she started claiming your child as her godchild...NO ONE is going to be able to strong-arm me into naming em as my godchild's guardians.

    I will leave it up to your DH to stay or step out as well.  And if she does give your DH a skanky chick...I'd sit down the skank and say something ot the effect that if she touches more than his arm she won't be able to bear children for her future he-skank of a hubby.
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  • LHB2011LHB2011 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would re-read your post as if another Knottie had put it up and ask yourself what advice you would give her.  Because from where I'm standing, this does not sound like a friendship worth saving.  Honestly, it doesn't sound like much of a friendship at all.  Solid friendships are based on trust and respect, and I can't see how you could have either for this girl anymore. 

    The moving around sucks, but hopefully you will make new friends soon, especially if you are done moving for a while.  Your baby might facilitate you meeting other people with similar interests through mommy-and-me classes, pre-school play-dates (eventually) etc... In addition to all the other ways people meet friends, of course.  I wouldn't hang on to a toxic relationship just because you feel you don't have many other friends though.
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bow-out-stick-out-sorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:41b15cb0-09e5-41a7-843f-172c7158cd4cPost:6aa76875-4821-42fb-9cac-6fdcc8a8287b">Re: Bow out or Stick it out? (Sorry it's so Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand DH wouldn't absolutely have to step down, but seeing as I'd end up uninvited to the wedding, DH has already said he won't be going without me. It may be his best friend, but I'm his wife. Gotta love DH. 
    Posted by Jonesn07[/QUOTE]
    This is why I said to tell her that your finances are tight and you weren't expecting the dress to be that much.  Try to see if she'll work with your budget first.  If not then tell her, I understand if you don't want me in the BP anymore.  Give her the out and hopefully she'll take it.  It's honestly best for the both of you if you left the WP.  Maybe have your husband mention something to his friend since her FI seems to be the more level headed one.
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If it were me, I would sever all ties with her. A friend like that isn't worth having. She sounds like a prat. 
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  • Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    Yes, step down.  Tell her that due to distance, expenses, and you now have a toddler to think about (don't assume baby will be invited) that you would find it difficult to be IN the wedding, but still look forward to attending.

    Then quit offering to help with the planning.  If she asks you, tell her no, because it hasn't worked out so well in the past, and you are busy.

    I know it hurts  your feelings, but as a realist, surely you realize that plans change over the course of the engagement.  Especially as this has been a long engagement, and she's dealing in fantasy vs. you dealing in reality.

  • edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone. I explained the financial situation to her and she said that I could get my dress elsewhere seeing as she has to buy another bridesmaids dress because another girl can't afford it. 

    @Sister2groom: She continues to change her mind on the parameters of the dress. One minute we all have to match, the next we're all in different colors, and the third minute we're in crotch showing hoochie dresses (she actually sent me a picture of one that would be better suited as a tunic top). Basically any dress that I would wear again, she finds something wrong with: too long, too plain, looks fancier than her dress (yes, she actually said this to one dress and she's wearing an ornate lace/beaded wedding dress with a train. The BM dress had one flower on the waistline), the excuses are too much to list here. 

    At the moment, I'm going to give it two weeks. I've already explained that I can no longer help out due to distance. Even though I probably shouldn't, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, figuring she's stressed with the planning. I'll see what she picks for dresses (if she ever makes up her mind), then decide. I know I've held onto this friendship too long, but it was a great relationship until she got engaged. 

    As for the baby/toddler issue: we named family members (her uncle and future aunt) in our will as our daughters Godparents, which the bride and groom are fine with. However, she stated that she has childrens activities at her wedding but asked me not to bring my daughter (everyone else's kids will be invited). I don't have a baby sitter and don't live in the area she's getting married, so it's pretty impossible. :-( 

    Thanks again everyone!
    ~Mrs. J~ "Well behaved women rarely make History" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
  • edited December 2011
    ew, why are you freinds?

    No matter how many years you put into it. I wouldnt ever let someone treat me like that, neither should you
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] When I called the bride and asked, she said she'd told me at the bridal show (which she didn't) and that <strong>she did it because we weren't really friends anymore</strong> and she'd found someone else to be the flower girl.
    Posted by Jonesn07[/QUOTE]
    This, right here.  She says you two are not really friends anymore.  Sounds like she shoved the problem for you.

    I would run as far away from this chick as possible.  And keep your baby girl away from such a toxic person.
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  • vwhitney2107vwhitney2107 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This just sounds like a miserable situation to be in. First she replaces you as MOH and you have to find out from her mother on facebook? And then she tells you not to bring your child (that she so badly wanted to be a godmother to) but she will let other guests bring their kids? That is just remarkable how friggin rude she is being. I think you need to get out of that friendship as fast as humanly possible.
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  • edited December 2011

    I've read all your posts and I think you need to tell her that you need to step down.
    Honestly, I would inform her (though maybe after the wedding is better), that she is not the godmother since, as she put it when she demoted you, you aren't as close friends anymore. I would cut someone who is that much of a toxin out of my life altogether.

    Her inviting all of the children except for the one she believes herself to be the godmother of is beyond rude, but so is pretty much everything else she has done and said in the post.

    I would inform her that due to the travel expenses, toddler, etc, you really are not going to be able to afford to be a member of the WP. Use those reasons as excuses rather than having to address her inappropriate behavior which would probably turn into a nasty fight, however justified you might be. Let your husband make the final call on his WP involvment, but if he does decide to be in the WP, make sure he calls his friend the groom to make sure that your former friend doesn't try to sit you at different tables in retaliation. It sounds like the groom is the more reasonable of the two parties.

  • squeakyducksqueakyduck member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    "I am very honored that you’ve asked me to be in your wedding. But I cannot make a commitment to spend that much money for it right now."

    Then I would send a nice card, if you guys are still speaking afterwards. 

    I wish you luck! I know exactly how hard it is to deal with someone who refuses to be accommodating. I had a very similar situation a few months ago.  


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  • edited December 2011
    She told you she wasn't your friend anymore.  You are throwing too much effort into a train wreck.

    You should trust your husband to be able to go to a wedding without you.  There is no rule in the wedding rule book that says the groomsmen have to sleep with the bridesmaids.  I checked.

    Make new friends.  It means you will have to put yourself out there.  I've lived in more places than I can count.  There are people out there looking for friends, but they won't find you if you stay at home and feel sorry for yourself.  You can do this!
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  • edited December 2011
    I think you should have stepped down a long time ago. This doesn't really sound like a friendship (and I've had similar "friends" like this, I understand how difficult this is). I would just tell her that it is going to be too difficult for you to be a part of the wedding, due to distance and finances and leave it at that. If she is upset or offended, that is not your problem anymore. It is up to her how she handles you stepping down. If she decides that she no longer wants to be "friends" and "uninvites" both of you to her wedding, that is her decision, and it is on her shoulders. It will show you what kind of "friend" she really is. Because a real friend would understand why you cannot be a part of the wedding, and she wouldn't end your friendship over it (or put your husband in a weird situation).

    That being said, and I don't want this to come off as rude, but if your budget for the entire day is $125, I'm not really sure how you expected to be a MOH or BM at all (especially if that includes the cost of the Tux?) Bridesmaid dresses can definitely be expensive (the one I am using is $200). Sure, you can buy them off the rack in Macy's or Nordstrom, but even those are going to be around $100 by the time you pay for any alterations. (I was recently a BM and we bought the dresses off the rack in Nordstrom ($80) and my alterations ended up costing $75.  I don't really know how much tuxes cost on average, but I believe FI paid over $100 for a wedding he was recently in. So overall, $125 definitely sounds like a pretty low budget to me, and if I had been in your shoes, I would've told her from day one that I could not afford more than that, and if it was going to be more, then I couldn't be in the wedding. By trying to push her towards cheaper choices just because you have a low budget, it kind of makes you come off as a little pushy and controlling, regadless of how atrocious some of her choices might be.  If you've never fully communicated to her from day 1 that you have this budget, then I can see how it would be frustrating and possibly annoying to her now.
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