I read a post earlier on this and it gave me a little bit of an idea about what to do, but my situation is slightly different and I could use some advice from parties that are "displaced" from the situation. To get a good idea of what's going on I'll have to start at the beginning:
My best friend is engaged to DH's best friend in 2008, and orginally they'd planned to get married after she graduated college (2012). She asked me to be her MOH and assist her with planning. Even though I live in CA and she's in Washington State, I've done the best I could helping. In early 2009, she told me she no longer wanted my help planning, but still wanted me to be her MOH. She didn't like any of my ideas (I'm a realist, and she couldn't grasp the fact that the wedding she wanted was out of her price range. I'd tried to give her options to achieve that wedding, without the cost, but she wouldn't hear it), and told me if she wanted my help, she'd ask for it. I said fine and backed off.
I hadn't talked to her in several months (I was busy with life, and pretty hurt that she didn't want my help), until she started asking me to look at things again, and put out a blog saying they were moving the wedding to early 2012 (this was Fall 2009). So I started assisting her again, until she really hit a nerve. We'd been dress shopping at David's Bridal, and laughing cause the dress she liked was the same one I'd worn at my wedding. Promptly after leaving she stated "I would never buy my dress at Davids Bridal because they're so generic." Obviously I was really hurt by this, and pointed it out, but she just shrugged and said she was buying a $1200 designer gown. (I paid $800 for my entire wardrobe, and I knew she had a smaller budget than I did). So I quit helping again and at this point I found out I was pregnant and decided it was best for me and the baby.
At this point, she started talking about using my baby as the ringbearer or flowergirl (the kiddo would be about two when they were planning on getting married) since she would be the god mother. Yet, when it came time for my baby shower, she threw a fit because it was planned the same weekend as her 3 year anniversary of dating her fiancée. She refused to come, and my DH made a phone call to his bestfriend. He made sure she was there, which was a nice gesture. My daughter was born May 2010, and as soon as I recovered I made sure to visit my best friend and help her with planning again (this was Sept. 2010, due to distance and a C-section).
Trying to make amends for the past issues, I invited to take my BF to a bridal fair they were having near her house. She said she didn't have much money, so I offered to pay for her. She showed up that morning with her little sister in tow, and I ended up paying for her as well. When we went to lunch, I ended up paying for most of her sisters lunch as well as mine and hers. A little peeved, I had to go pump (my baby was at my parents house) but figured we'd go wander the farmers market that was nearby since we'd already finished at the wedding show. As soon as I was back, my BF said they were going home because they were tired. So on top of everything else, I drove an hour from my parents house and paid $12 for 1.5 hours of parking. Relentlessly, I drove back to my parents hurt and angry.
The worst part came about 3 weeks later, when I saw a message on facebook from the bride's mother saying that the Bride and Her MOH were at the bridal shop picking out dresses. I was really confused, seeing as I was at home. So, I sent her a private message explaining I was confused because I, the MOH, was in CA. She put a public message on my board saying that the Bride had replaced me as the MOH and gave the position to her sister instead back in June (again, this was Sept and I'd just seen them both. No one said anything at the time). When I called the bride and asked, she said she'd told me at the bridal show (which she didn't) and that she did it because we weren't really friends anymore and she'd found someone else to be the flower girl. However she still wanted me in her wedding, and had the nerve to ask to be my girls God Mother (We've already named someone else, due to the past issues and the lack of financial stability of the bride and groom). I told her if she wanted, I was willing to name two sets of Godparents for baby girl, and I'd still be in the wedding, I just didn't understand why I had to find out on FB that I'd been replaced. She said she thought she told me and we pretty much ended on that note.
She'd gotten better until recently when we started talking about bridesmaids dresses. She's been pretty flaky and the last dress she sent me (saying it's the style she wanted) is $200 and I can't spend that much money on a dress I'll wear once (I'm unemployed SAHM and we live off DH's income). I've nicely tried to steer her in the direction of dresses that can be worn more than once (and a style that will suit all the bridesmaids rather than making us look like a horror movie) as well as a price range we can all afford. Instead she tells me she's taking 4 of the 6 of us to the original dress appointment, and the other two can try to find similar dresses at Macys. This is fine except my budget for the entire day is $125, since we have to rent DH's tux (he's in the wedding too), and pay for travel to WA from NorCal (about $200 round trip each), and from what I found on macys.com I cannot afford anything there either (unless I want to look like I'm going to a high school prom, and even then I'll still have to wear shoes out of my closet which the bride refuses to let me do).
The final straw is when I offered to look up floral prices. She told me she wants the same flowers I had, but refuses to look at silk flowers because they look fake and cheap (Note: I had all silk flowers at my wedding and they were beautiful and only slightly more affordable than the real thing).
At this point, I'm just fed up and seriously considering stepping down from my bridesmaid's position. The only thing is this puts DH is a predicament. He'd either need to step down, or he'll end up walking with another girl (and leave it to my "friend" to find some skanky girl that will try to feel him up all night), which I'm not comfortable with. We also know that if we step down, we'll be uninvited all together and so will our parents (we've known these two for a long time and they are friends with our families).
I know I can't afford what she wants, and all this stress is really bad for my health. I just don't know if I should step down and/or how to go about it without creating a huge issue (getting others univited when they didn't do anything). At this point, I'd love to be there, but I just can't afford the money or the stress. Sorry this was really long, but any and all help is appreciated!
"Well behaved women rarely make History" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich