Planning with mom and MH 700 miles away.. anyone dealing with this?

Letagrlshowu

I recently located to NC after being engaged for 2 weeks. All my family and friends are in Florida. I literally only have my FI and daughter up here. We have decided to get married in NC. I am having great success bouncing ideas off my MH, but my mom hates talking on the phone. I got the whole "its hard to get into it 700 miles away". I obviously replied "well thats your only option so you'll have to get over that."
My FI is fantastic and is willing to even go to a bridal show this weekend- I never thoguht he was going to say yes, but he did effortlessly. My issue is I dont have any girlfriends up here and going to venues and trying to dresses and planning DIY projects is really hard so far away. Do I need to just get over the idea of the group effort? I assume my fiance will get tired of it eventually and i'll be doing the planning myself, which to me is fun. But even the thought of having to pick out my dress by myself breaks my heart! Yes, I can have my MH and mom come up for a weekend, but I dont know if i'll find the perfect one, in one pop. So do I go gown shopping by myself? How pathetic.
Anyone else dealing with planning a wedding themselves with no local support system? My MH is fantastic and was recently married so she is a huge source of support BUT its just different. I was able to run errands with her, go to bridal shows, go gown shopping, etc.
Any tricks to making it work?

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_planning-mom-mh-700-miles-away-anyone-dealing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42971d57-18cb-4b53-802c-b52c6e61a1e5Post:97e5ecac-a7d5-4dd1-a16b-e2ffff1bc3ba">Planning with mom and MH 700 miles away.. anyone dealing with this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I recently located to NC after being engaged for 2 weeks. All my family and friends are in Florida. I literally only have my FI and daughter up here. I am having great success bouncing ideas off my MH, but my mom hates talking on the phone. <strong>I got the whole "its hard to get into it 700 miles away". I obviously replied "well thats your only option so you'll have to get over that."</strong> My FI is fantastic and is willing to even go to a bridal show this weekend- I never thoguht he was going to say yes, but he did effortlessly. My issue is I dont have any girlfriends up here and going to venues and trying to dresses and planning DIY projects is really hard so far away. <strong>Do I need to just get over the idea of the group effort?</strong> I assume my fiance will get tired of it eventually and i'll be doing the planning myself, which to me is fun. But even the thought of having to pick out my dress by myself breaks my heart! Yes, I can have my MH and mom come up for a weekend, but I dont know if i'll find the perfect one, in one pop. So do I go gown shopping by myself? How pathetic. Anyone else dealing with planning a wedding themselves with no local support system? My MH is fantastic and was recently married so she is a huge source of support BUT its just different. I was able to run errands with her, go to bridal shows, go gown shopping, etc. Any tricks to making it work?
Posted by Letagrlshowu[/QUOTE]<div>Yes, you should get over the group effort.  If your mom wants to help you plan then she'll offer and same with your MOH.  You shouldn't force anyone into helping you plan (and from what you said in the first bolded part, you are).</div><div>
</div><div>This is yours and your FIs wedding, no one else's.  Therefore, this is yours (as a couple) to plan.  I planned mostly by myself.  Yes, my DH got bored with planning so I told him to select a photographer and help pick out invitations.  Everything else, I did.  I planned my wedding in FL from CA.  If it's overwhelming then think about hiring a coordinator.  </div><div>
</div>

brandynesw

I understand to a degree.  I live in NYC and my mom is in DC.  It is hard to negotiate the planning and involving people who are not local.  This is how I handled the dress shopping:  I went to several bridal boutiques and found about 5 dresses that I really liked.  Then, I had my mom come up for the weekend and we went to see those top 5 dresses and made the decision together.  In a way, it is better because you get to pick out your top 5 without anyone else's opinions over powering yours (my mother is very opinionated, and my tastes are not always in line with hers).  Also, you have more flexibility with your schedule in fitting in the the initial appointments. 

For other details, I haven't really found a good solution.  I try to send my mom links to things online for her to check out and to get her opinion, but it definitely takes more of an effort. 

Weddings are tricky things -- there are so many people who you are trying to please and feelings to consider.  But, I definitely sympathize!!  I'm just trying to be as positive as I can and to make every aspect of planning happy.  It doesn't always work, but it's a good goal. 

Good luck!!

orangecrush32

It's not their job to plan your wedding. So get used to doing it with your FI/y yourself. And the dress thing, I get that you don't want to go shopping by yourself. Very understandable. But like you said, go when you go home to visit. Then you'll have everyone important with you. And if you don't find it in one shopping trip, either go by yourself, take your FI (a surprising number of brides are doing this), or wait until you go home again.

calindi

My first thought was that plenty of women plan their weddings far away from their families, and you just make do.  And all the normal responses of "no one will ever be as interested in your wedding as you are" and "your Mom and MOH aren't required to do anything to help you - either hire a wedding planner to help you or deal with it on your own with your FI."

But this sounds more like you're new to the city, don't have any real friends in the area yet, and feeling a little lonely.  I can understand that for sure!  There's no reason you have to buy your dress in your hometown.  Sure, you'll have to make more visits back to Florida for fittings and such, but it might make more sense to go down and go shopping with family and friends there.  You can always bring the dress home and have alterations done near you if you can't travel down often.  That's one thing I wouldn't want to compromise on - going dress shopping with my Mom, as we've both looked forward to it for years - so I can understand that.

Other than that, perhaps check out your local board on The Knot?  There will be other girls planning weddings, and perhaps you can even make some new friends.  Organize some get togethers, and you'll have some people very interested in wedding planning.

LoveMuffins

Aw, I'm sorry that you're so far away from your support system, that must be incredibly rough. Like you, I enjoy doing some wedding things in a group - my girls and I are all going bridesmaid dress shopping together (they're choosing their own styles in the color I chose), most of them are helping me with making the bouquets, centerpieces or addressing invitations, we're having lots of girl bonding time, etc. And my mom lives super close and is coming with me to all the wedding planning stuff. I can't imagine doing without that, and I think they'd be just as sad as me to miss out on it (just as I would have been if any of them moved away before their weddings) so I can understand why you'd want them there. I'm not a really big fan of this whole "do the entire wedding planning by yourself because otherwise you're a bridezilla" attitude. A lot of people have great support systems who want to be involved, and you sound like you're one of those, but unfortunately are now far away from that group.

Now, I do have one out of town bridesmaid, and my FMIL whom I adore lives three states away; I've been trying to keep them included as much as possible. I know that you said phone is the only option for planning with your mom, but why? I send email updates to my OOT-BM and FMIL, often with links to the places that I've been looking at, pictures of my FI and visiting the venue site, pics of the mock-up bouquets we put together... my FMIL said that she wishes she could really be here, but through the emails is almost as good. Why can't you email your mom? Actually seeing some of the things, instead of just you verbally describing them and her trying to picture it, would probably help a lot.

I also email stuff to my Mom, even though she only lives 20 min away, when I want her opinion.

And, really, you shouldn't do dress shopping for more than one day, so if you wanted to do a group thing I think you could def do that during a visit. Set up appointments, but try not to go to more than 3 places... look around online at styles that you want to try on, but keep an open mind (I ended up in something kind of similar to what I thought I wanted, but some features which I had originally said I definitely didn't want). If you try on too many dresses, they will all start to run together. Too many options is almost worst than too few.

Letagrlshowu

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I was a little shocked at the first one, but i get it. some brides enjoy doing this type of planning by themselves as to avoid any drama that other peoples opinions entail. I on the other hand have a hard time deciding where to go to dinner, so I like to bounc ideas off of people (my support system). I would never force anyone to be involved and make them care if it was apparent. I dont want to take FI dress shopping.. i feel that should be a surprise, but I think i can narrow down my few top choices and then go shopping with my two favorite girls.
Thanks for the advice

MairePoppy

First, Yey, for your fi. That is how it's supposed to be. You and he planning your wedding together.
It's understandable that you would like your mom and MOH to go dress shopping with you. If you think it will take more than one shopping trip, do some pre-shopping. Narrow it down to one or two shops. Or ask your MOH to come up one weekend and your mom to come up another weekend.

vicki0508

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_planning-mom-mh-700-miles-away-anyone-dealing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42971d57-18cb-4b53-802c-b52c6e61a1e5Post:97e5ecac-a7d5-4dd1-a16b-e2ffff1bc3ba">Planning with mom and MH 700 miles away.. anyone dealing with this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I recently located to NC after being engaged for 2 weeks. All my family and friends are in Florida. I literally only have my FI and daughter up here. I am having great success bouncing ideas off my MH, but my mom hates talking on the phone. I got the whole "its hard to get into it 700 miles away". I obviously replied "well thats your only option so you'll have to get over that." My FI is fantastic and is willing to even go to a bridal show this weekend- I never thoguht he was going to say yes, but he did effortlessly. My issue is I dont have any girlfriends up here and going to venues and trying to dresses and planning DIY projects is really hard so far away. Do I need to just get over the idea of the group effort? I assume my fiance will get tired of it eventually and i'll be doing the planning myself, which to me is fun. But even the thought of having to pick out my dress by myself breaks my heart! Yes, I can have my MH and mom come up for a weekend, but I dont know if i'll find the perfect one, in one pop. <strong>So do I go gown shopping by myself? How pathetic</strong>. Anyone else dealing with planning a wedding themselves with no local support system? My MH is fantastic and was recently married so she is a huge source of support BUT its just different. I was able to run errands with her, go to bridal shows, go gown shopping, etc. Any tricks to making it work?
Posted by Letagrlshowu[/QUOTE]
I do almost all  of my wedding related things by myself, and never really considered it "pathetic."

I send my mom lots of links and updates on what I've been working on, we don't talk on the phone much but we do email each other.  I actually picked up my dress yesterday - by myself - had the consultant take pics, and emailed them to my mom.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_planning-mom-mh-700-miles-away-anyone-dealing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42971d57-18cb-4b53-802c-b52c6e61a1e5Post:59e09b16-ee76-4cd6-8778-91f4863e3f7d">Re: Planning with mom and MH 700 miles away.. anyone dealing with this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the replies, everyone. <strong>I was a little shocked at the first one, but i get it. some brides enjoy doing this type of planning by themselves as to avoid any drama that other peoples opinions entail. </strong>I on the other hand have a hard time deciding where to go to dinner, so I like to bounc ideas off of people (my support system). I would never force anyone to be involved and make them care if it was apparent. I dont want to take FI dress shopping.. i feel that should be a surprise, but I think i can narrow down my few top choices and then go shopping with my two favorite girls. :) Thanks for the advice
Posted by Letagrlshowu[/QUOTE]
Sorry if I was too blunt for you but I'm not one to sugar coat things.  I didn't "enjoy" the planning process.  As a matter of fact I did the least amount I had to but still made it personalized to me and my DH.  <div>
</div><div>All I am saying is that it's great that your helped your friend/MOH out so much when it was her time to get married but if she doesn't want to help you then that's her choice.  The same goes with your mom.  It sounds like she's just not into to it and you telling her that she needs to "get over it because that's the way it is" doesn't help things.  If they want to help then they will offer.  If they don't then it's up to you and your FI.</div><div>
</div><div>I completely understand not wanting to go dress shopping without your mom or friend.  I waited 4 months until I could go to FL to try on dresses the first time with my mom because she said it was important that she be with me for the first trip.  After that I went on my own to several shops.  It wasn't ideal but it was what it was.  It's hard being away from family but you find ways to deal with it.</div>

Letagrlshowu

Sometimes its best to just laugh things off. I'm defnitely not one for online confrontation.  I have been reading posts on this forum and women are just down right fierce. It has nothing to do with blunt or sugar coating, it has to do with upbringing and etiquette. I chose to word my response as " I was a little shocked at the first one, but i get it. some brides enjoy doing this type of planning by themselves as to avoid any drama that other peoples opinions entail." because I do get it.  It wasnt rude and I was not only referring to you, some brides do enjoy the planning process, sorry if you didnt. I am not sure where I insinuated anything about my MOH not wanting to do anything, shes been my biggest help and is enthused. My mother may not be, and I agree that she doesnt need to be, nobody does. But some of you have to lay off the attitudes, its just not flattering.
I didnt even see a need to respond in that manner. As for doing things myself, it will be fun whether I have help or not, but I love my family and friends for wanting to be part of this. I guess its just a part of me that is used to being able to call my aunt or best friend or mom and say "lets go shopping, or hit up a movie". I enjoy social interaction. I'm not forcing anyone to partake. Nobody forced me to partake either, its just a blessing to love and be loved.

[Deleted User]

I was in the same boat. Our wedding was in our hometown. I moved to be with H right after we got engaged. However, I acted fast and booked all of our major vendors before moving. Everyone was back home, MOH, Mom, BM's (and some were in other states) and MIL.

Yes, it was difficult at times. We/I was fortunate to be able to make several trips back home to take care fo things. And MIL was instrumental in arranging certain things, checking up on vendors, etc. I worked with a lot of my vendors over the phone and e-mail. It pretty much became a part time job on top of working full time and 2nd shift at the time. We made it through just fine.

bablingbrooke

We planned our wedding from 3,000 miles away.  You aren't going to have the warm and fuzzy "Runaway Bride" community experience of planning your wedding; no one does.  It's not realistic--it's a movie.  You need to get over that idea.  

Could you go dress shopping where your mom lives so that she can come with you?  You can then do the alterations there and then have it sent down for the wedding.

Robyn5298

Trying to plan a wedding in a new city must be tough.  I bet you have moments where you're like "I don't even know where to start!"  That's too bad that your Mom and Maid of Honor aren't nearby.  I can sympathize - mine were across the country while I was planning too.  Be sad about it for a little while but then suck it up and get on with the planning without them.  That's awesome that your fiance is willing to help - that's the way it should be but not every girl is that lucky!

If I were you, I would find a venue first.  That will help everything else fall into place, and your contacts at the venue will most likely be extremely helpful with referrals.  Don't forget about your local board on The Knot - I didn't use mine too much because I got married near my hometown and already knew for the most part which vendors I'd be using, but I've heard that the girls on local are very helpful to one another.  Yelp is another good source, and you can also call your local Chamber of Commerce for referrals too.  I'd save the Chamber for last though because they'll only promote their members.

For bridesmaids dresses, to make it easier on everyone I suggest you pick a designer and color you like and let your girls choose the style for themselves.  (You can designate the length too if you want.)  It worked out great for my girls - they all ended up in something they felt pretty in and since the color matched they still had that cohesive "bridesmaid look".

And for your dress, I agree with PPs that if you can arrange a trip with either your Mom or MOH (or together if you're really lucky) that would be ideal.  I only got 1 day and I went with my Dad, who lives 2 hours away.  We went to 2 salons and I probably tried on 50 dresses.  I was fortunate enough to find "the one" that day but even if I hadn't, I felt comforable enough with the process that I would have been okay going back by myself.  Its a little overwhelming at first but once you get into trying them on you'll see its really not a big deal at all.

Well, I hope that was helpful!  Sorry for writing a novel but I really wanted to give you some tips that I learned along the way.  Good luck!

Letagrlshowu

Thanks so much Robyn, that was really helpful. All great advice and im actually feeling a little better about it.

MattandTracy82910

Hey girl I'm actually in a very very similar situation.

FI and I just recently moved to NC as well!! (Love it here)! But I as well have NO friends or family here.  The difference is that we are planning our wedding where majority of our friends/family live- in IL.  So over the holidays we had to cram in family visits and all of the wedding planning so it feels like a destination wedding just without a cool destination and can be stressful at times. 

It's great that it sounds like you have a very supportive FI- mine is as well.  He offered to go dress shopping with me when I had one of my breakdown lonely moments but luckily my mom was able to find a decent flight and is coming out for the final choice of the top 4 (like on of the PPs suggested).

The bridal shop I'm working with (not sure what part of NC you are in) actually has a webcam and offered that if my mom couldn't come in that they would do the webcam so she could at least see everything even if she couldn't be there with me.

So far the process for me has been stressful and painful at times (I am extremely close with my mom) and no girl imagines planning everything without her best gal pals around but the good news is that it has brought my FI and I even closer and it is 100% OUR wedding.  I love my friends to death but they all have their opinions and sometimes (IMO) it can outshine your FI's just because he may not be into the "girly" stuff.  But with this my FI has voiced his opinion quite a few times (even with flowers) and they were great ideas that I hadn't thought of. 

In the end it makes me so much happier knowing that this will be exactly what WE want even though it might not be what I originally imagined, in the end it turns out to be even better than what I had hoped for (best gal pal helping me with flowers or FI giving his input- I'll take FI's help any day- after all he is my best friend and is the one that is taking the step to be with me the rest of my life).

Oh- one other note- the people (at least that I have met so far) out here are super sweet- I was having an emotional day and one of my coworkers said just let me know when and where and I'll 100% go dress shopping with you so you don't have to go alone- she has only known me a couple weeks but offered to go so I wouldn't have to be alone.

Good Luck and have fun at the bridal show with your FI!!!

djoann958

My daughtter lives in FL and I live in PA where she grew up. It is hard planning a wedding in FL 1200 miles away. The wedding is in FL. My daughter's BMs all live in PA and her MOH is from South America. She is not enjoying the planning very much- for lots of reasons- the money, too many small details, etc. I, on the other hand, am having so much fun. I go visit every 3 months for a few days and we do the wedding marathon planning sessions. I was adamant that she not go dress shopping until I was there with her and we found her dress in one day. We did alot of preliminary work online and made sure the dresses she liked were available at the shops we went too. We do talk on the phone alot and email each other constantly. It is not easy, but it can be done. She is sort of bummed about the whole bonding thing with the BMs and that they can't be more involved in planning, but as I told her, their only job is to show up on the wedding day. When I got married my BMs were local and they helped with the shower and that was it. It's great if they can do more but not really required. It is all in the thinkiing. Just focus on getting married to the man you love- that is the goal and should be the main focus. Try to enjoy this time because it is once in a lifetime.

Keb1216

I also live in NC. My family is in OH. My sister is my Maid of Honor..she's in OH, my best friend is my Marton on Honor she's in FL & my bridesmaid is in PA. So I totally understand how you feel. I have my Fiance here, his mom, his cousin, and his cousin's boyfriend..but that's it. I went dress shopping in OH w/ my family & it was fun. We've gone to a few bridal shows here. I send my mom & girls lots of emails w/ pictures. I've found lots of good stuff on Etsy. So I know you can do it! Maybe we can have a NC get together..if we don't all live too far away from eachother I'm in Raleigh.