Is this normal behavior?

tiredbride26

I am planning my wedding for this fall but my fiance and I disagree over this situation and its something my FMIL does frequently.

When attending a wedding, do you call the venue to find out how much it cost per person?

My fiance says it is to know how much to give as a gift but I think a gift should be independent of the cost. Do you give a smaller gift to someone who paid less?

Also, I think its just nosy. If they wanted you to know the price, they would tell you.

Does anyone else do this? Is calling the venue normal?

Girlie1030

In my opinion, that's downright rude. 

You give the gift you want to give, it is not based on how much the spent on your meal. 

trix1223

That would be stunningly inappropriate and undeniably rude.  Your wedding gift should not be at all attendant on the wedding that a couple is CHOOSING to host.

You give the gift that you can afford.  The idea that you should "cover your plate" is terribly tasteless. 

Tell your FI that he's completely wrong.  I have never, ever, ever heard of anyone calling a venue to determine what their gift to a couple should be.  Not ever.

aerinpegadrak

It would never even cross my mind to do that.  My gift to the couple is based on how close I am to them and what I can currently afford, not what kind of wedding they're having.

If I found out that any of my guests had tried to do that (not that they could have, seeing as how not everyone goes through an all-inclusive wedding hall), I would be livid.

MairePoppy

Your fmil must be a member of the "Cover Your Plate Club." The sole purpose of this organization is to insure that the member's children make a profit on their weddings.

You are right; your fi is wrong. Your gift to the couple should be based on how close you are to them and what you can afford.

skippylouwho

I've never even heard of someone doing that much less done it myself. Also - for a reception site to release that information without getting permission from the people that signed the contract would, to me, be unethical.

I planned a large weekend event (Friday night party, Saturday fun events, Saturday night banquet & ball and Sunday brunch) for a group DH and I are active in.  The person that would be planning it the following year called our site and asked for details of our contract. The resort called me and asked if it was ok to release the information. I thanked them for coming and told them not to give it to him, that if he wanted it he could ask me for it and I would gladly share (and I would have but he never had the guts - he was a trouble maker from the get go, got thrown out of the organiation half way through the next year).

My point is that the reception hall should not give out that information without the permission the contract signers.

janicejab

  I would never call or ask anyone how much the reception cost. It's rude. I always base the cost of my present on my budget and my relationship with the bride and groom.

[Deleted User]

Wow, I've never heard of someone doing that before. That is so incredibly rude!

StephieBow

I would never call and I don't know anyone who has.  That said, a lot of people base their gifts on covering their plate... it's the way it is but it doens't mean you have to follow that rule. 

In addition to that the wedding planner/coordinator at the venue should never even give out that information.... I would be so irritated if I found out my venue gave out that information! (no ones  wedding plate cost is the same so to get an accurate number, you'd have to reference a particular wedding)

redheadtmk

I haven't heard of anyone calling to find out however covering your plate was common practice on Long Island when I lived there. At least among all the weddings I attended or heard about. Most plates there were in the hundreds per person so the plate covering rule helped people pay for thier ridiculously expensive receptions.

sister2groom

That would be incredibly rude. Furthermore, I would be extremely ticked if anyone from the venue discussed anything financial with anyone other than those I specifically told the venue were authorized to talk money. I would be writing letters of complaint to the venue and giving it horrific reviews.

Caroli1210

This is most definitely abnormal behavior. I would refrain from ever taking etiquette advice from your fmil.

deepcovejackie

No, rude.

RoyalSpoiledOne

I don't think it's normal, but some people must believe in it b/c my aunt has a friend who thinks this way. She had been fussing after her daughter's wedding about some of the gifts being "cheap" and that people should know you're supposed to spend for the gift whatever the price of the plate was. Not sure where this started, or how anyone got to thinking that way!

ootmother2

I had never heard of this "cover your plate" idea until the knot.

OP, I think it's more than just a bit rude.

RebeccaB88

OMG, someone would actually do that?

katiedidthat

What happens if they call to ask what the "per person" cost will be and the bride/groom has spent extra on other things that aren't provided by the hall?  For example, my hall is a flat fee to reserve, then a varying cost depending on the options we choose for our buffet, and then an extra cost for drinks and desserts.  On top of that our cake isn't included but costs almost as much as the hall itself, and we're considering self-catering our cocktail hour.  So if someone called our hall they'd say the per person cost was around $25 when its probably closer to $55 when all is said and done. 

joiner521

First of all, when you call a venue the questions to ask are:
1.. What date is availble? For how many hours? Tell them how many people.
2. The only way you ask about per head is if they are catering also, otherwise "per head" should be left for caterer only.

GoodLuckBear14

I cannot even begin to put into words how pissed off I'd be if one of my guests tries to find out what we're spending on our wedding.  It's nobody else's business.

tiredbride26

I'm so glad people agree with me on this. 

My reception hall does include the catering but it does not include a lot of the other things (appetizers, decorations, linens, etc.). This said, I've already been warned that my FI's family considers calling a normal practice and I am seriously peeved.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-normal-behavior?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4600af6e-25c6-47c9-9191-228b81bd1867Post:5850b9f6-e807-4c91-b292-413a6b3199ec">Re: Is this normal behavior?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so glad people agree with me on this.  My reception hall does include the catering but it does not include a lot of the other things (appetizers, decorations, linens, etc.). This said, I've already been warned that my FI's family considers calling a normal practice and I am seriously peeved.
Posted by tiredbride26[/QUOTE]
You should probably call your hall and give them a heads up that under no circumstances do you want that information released to anyone who isn't on the contract.  They shouldn't give out that information anyway, but just in case.

heinz11msw

That is weird but I have heard of it.

MrsSilverwolf

Like many above me I have never heard of this practice either, and have alwas picked my gifts based on how close I am to the couple and my current budget. Obviously with the way the economy is right now I wouldn't expect all of my guests to be able to afford large gifts!

I have to agree with aerinpegadrak, I would make sure you tell the venue to not give out ANY information.

mikeynkrib2011

definitely not a good idea.  on top of being rude and nosy, it's probably not even in the venue's best interest to release that information. 

for starters, our venue gave us a considerable discount because we worked together on the menu, drink options, appetizers and amenities to lower the price.  they wouldn't want to go advertising that their normal plate was xxx amount of dollars less.

chances are, the venue wouldn't release it even if they were asked.  but my  heavens, awfully rude to ask.  the reception is like a gift to the guests...it's no different than asking how much your christmas present cost!